Tag: Cookie Crisp

As a child, I was restricted from the consumption of two things: Mountain Dew and sugary cereal. I was always incredibly jealous of the other kids that were tearing the shit out of their mouths with Cap’n Crunch. Because, you know, it’s delicious and life is unfair. Fortunately for me, my childhood deprivation transcended into my adulthood in the form of me reaching for Oat Bran instead of sugar coma inducing cereals.

Thanks, Mom. 

On the occasion, albeit rare, that I would be able to enjoy anything other than regular Cheerios, Cookie Crisp was a favorite of mine. There was something so perfectly harmonious about being able to have cookies and milk for breakfast. That, my friends, is living the dream as a 7-year-old. Not only did you feel like you were pulling a fast one over your parents by having a traditional after-dinner snack before 10AM, but you always had the urge to say the iconic commercial slogan, “Cooookkiiiieee Crisp.”

If you didn’t just say it out loud, you know you said it in your head. No judgements.

Limited Edition Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crisp should really just be called Sugar Cookie Crisp because that is the overwhelming flavor coming from this product. Unfortunately, it lacks any multi-level flavor composition other than a slight fruity undertone which reminds me of the milk left behind in a bowl of Trix.

The “Holiday Sprinkles” hold absolutely no purpose other than creating an aesthetically pleasing bowl of leftover 2% milk. Another positive is that the cereal is made with mostly corn-based products allowing the cereal to maintain its crunchy texture, even after taking a milk bath. Because who really enjoys soggy cereal?

Crazy people, that’s who.

All in all, if you’re craving cookies and milk for breakfast (assuming you over indulged in your favorite alcoholic beverage the night before, because I have never met an adult that actually wants cookies for breakfast that wasn’t hung over), do yourself a favor and walk straight past the cereal aisle. Go buy a gallon of milk and some Betty Crocker Sugar Cookies and write me a thank you letter telling me how much better of an idea that is than cereal.

Be right back. I’m going to go get some Mountain Dew and Betty Crocker Sugar Cookies because I am 25 now and can do what I want.

Sorry, Mom.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (without milk) – 100 calories (without milk) 140 calories (with 1/2 cup skim milk), 1 gram of fat, 0 grams saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein..)

Item: Limited Edition Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crisp
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 11.25 oz. box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like sugar cookies. Living the dream as a 7-year-old. Holds texture in milk. Milk looks fancy once cereal is gone. Being an “adult” and doing what I want. “Cooookkiiiieee Crisp” slogan will live on forever. Being hung over and eating cookies for breakfast.
Cons: Eating healthy cereal instead of sugary cereal. Lacks multi-level flavor composition. Boring. Cap’n Crunch ruins mouths. Being hung over and eating cookies for breakfast.

Cookie Crisp has always had the potential to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. All General Mills, the maker of Cookie Crisp, has to do to make this happen is to turn to the dark side, but they haven’t done it, yet, with their new Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal.

When I say “dark side,” I’m not talking about the one filled with anger and hate that turned Anakin Skywalker into the heartless and powerful Darth Vader. Instead, I’m talking about the one that’s filled with greed and gluttony and has the ability to turn an ordinary couch potato into the heart-diseased and easily winded Girth Vider.

This dark side also has the ability to turn Trix into something you would want to eat with a condom on, preferably on your tongue, unless you pay extra to fuck it.

If General Mills did turn to the dark side and wanted Cookie Crisp to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, the cereal would be made up of actual mini cookies, and none of these unsatisfying cookie-shaped pieces.

These cookies would be made with enough milk to make a cow’s udder spew dust, enough flour to make it look like one just came from a 1980s cocaine party, enough eggs to make PETA protest, enough butter to make Paula Deen weep, enough sugar to rot one’s teeth instantly and enough love to make one file a restraining order.

Unfortunately, the Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal maintains the status quo with its vanilla-flavored cereal with colorful sprinkles on top. It has a flavor that’s similar to regular Cookie Crisp, except without the slight chocolate chip flavor, proving the sprinkles are just there to distract from the fact that the cereal has no personality, like silicone breast implants do for most female reality show contestants.

I prefer regular Cookie Crisp over Sprinkles Cookie Crisp, but that’s just me, because I tend to prefer chocolately cereals. So if Cookie Crisp decided to go to the dark side and sell a box that contains nothing but Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy, I would purchase that in a heartbeat and then wait for that heartbeat to quicken as I turn into Girth Vider.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup with skim milk – 140 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 12 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.)

(Note: Here’s an old review I did for Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I’m not sure if it still exists.)

Item: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal
Price: $5.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Like regular Cookie Crisp, except without the light chocolate chip flavor. Sprinkles give the cereal some color. Going to the dark side, if you’re a cereal company. A cereal made up of Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy.
Cons: Not better than regular Cookie Crisp. Kind of boring. Not made up of actual cookies. Turning into Girth Vider. Going to the dark side, if you’re a Jedi. Most reality show contestants. Eating Trix that has turned to the dark side.

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

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Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.