Tag: Cookies

Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps

Marvo 14 Comments

I’m calling the Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps the Pop-Tarts nano because they look like a skinnier and smaller version of an unfrosted Kellogg’s Pop-Tart, much like the iPod nano is a skinnier and smaller version of the iPod classic. Actually, the Newtons Fruit Crisps and the iPod nano are the same size at 3.5 inches long and 1.5 inches wide. However, unlike the iPod nano which comes in a pride flag of colors, the Newtons Fruit Crisps only come in two flavors: Mixed Berry and Apple Cinnamon.

Unlike Pop-Tarts, which need to be toasted in order to be crispy, these Fruit Crisps were crunchy crumbalistic right out of the box, although perhaps a little too crumbalistic, which makes using a plate necessary, unless you’re fond of creatures that enjoy eating stuff off of the floor, like cockroaches, rats and a drunk David Hasselhoff. The filling inside each crisp is made with real fruit in a puree form, but despite the use of real fruit, the flavors weren’t very strong in either of them. I don’t know if that was because of the somewhat low amount of sugar in each bar or because the outer shell has the ability to weaken taste, like kryptonite does to Superman or Sanrio products does to my machismo.

Both flavors were decent. The Apple Cinnamon one had a flavor similar to what I imagine a diet apple pie tastes like, while the mixed berry, which contained blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, and blackberry puree, tasted like a certain Pop-Tarts flavor that I couldn’t put my finger on, but will probably remember months from now when I’m in the shower and these Fruit Crisps are discontinued.

According to the box, each pack of the Newtons Fruit Crisps has 100 calories, which is the magic number many snack companies have been using to promote appropriate portion sizes and calorie control. It’s also a number I tend to ignore because as someone in peak physical shape and has a metabolism that would make an 18-year-old cry, I can burn 100 calories by brushing my teeth or typing one of the many run-on sentences I have a habit of creating.

Nah! Who am I kidding? The only thing I can do in my “peak physical shape” is change the channel and then take a nap. I wonder how many calories changing a channel takes?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Apple Cinnamon – 100 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron. Mixed Berry – 100 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron.)

(Editor’s Note: The good folks at Snackerrific also reviewed the Newtons Fruit Crisps.)

Item: Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps
Price: $3.50 each
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent taste. Crunchy without the need for a toaster. 100 calories per pack. No trans or saturated fat. Made with real fruit, although in puree form. Watching David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger on the floor. My poor physical shape.
Cons: Small in size. Flavors seemed muted. Sanrio products. Need a plate to eat them. Eating an iPod nano. Watching David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger on the floor.

Nilla Cakesters

Marvo 16 Comments

With the introduction of Nilla Cakesters, the milking of the Cakesters brand has begun and we can officially start the countdown to Nutter Butter Cakesters, which is less exciting than a Space Shuttle countdown, but less creepy than a Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

It seemed like Nilla wafers were the bastard child in the Nabisco family and not loved at all, until these Nilla Cakesters were introduced. While Oreo and Nutter Butter have lickable cream centers and Oreos come in more variations than women at a quality Nevada whorehouse, Nilla wafers (or Illa Nilla, as the kids like to call them) have been just plain vanilla over the years: no limited edition variation, no chocolate version, and Santa Claus not only rejects them at Christmas, he drags out of bed the kids who left them there, burns their lump of coal in front of them, and then brands the kid’s arm with it.

The Nilla Cakesters remind me of Brooke Hogan because they both have bland looking round golden cakes, white filling, and the inability to spell the word “vanilla” correctly. They also look like the smaller, less-phallic cousin of Twinkies, and much like Twinkies, the Nilla Cakesters had a greasy taste and feel to it. Its greasiness surprised me, since the cake in the Nilla Cakesters was quite dry. A vanilla flavor was pretty much non-existent, unless the greasy flavor is some Nabisco Nutrition Nerd’s interpretation of vanilla, which if it is, that nerd needs to get back into the laboratory and create some better tasting and more realistic processed shit.

Until then, Nilla wafers will continue to be the Rodney Dangerfield of the Nabisco family.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron and 10.56 ounces of illa.)

Item: Nilla Cakesters
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Contains polyunsaturated fat and monounsaturated fat, which have health benefits. No trans fat. Nevada whorehouses. Oreos. The Space Shuttle. Weezer’s video for “Pork and Beans.”
Cons: Greasy flavor and feel. Cake was dry. High Fructose Corn Syrup. The chaos when Santa is given Nilla wafers. Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme

Marvo 49 Comments

All right, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme, let’s get you into these stirrups. Are you comfortable? Okay, we’re going to take this step by step. I’m now going to insert the speculum to separate your cookie.

Yes, “cookie” is an approved scientific term and we use it all the time at the OB/GYN conferences. Actually, I just gave a presentation at the American Academy of Obstetrics and Gynecology Conference titled, “Effects of Pregnancy on the Cookie — How Does It Crumble?”

Just to warn you, the speculum is going to be a little cold when I gently stick it in you. There we go. Are you doing okay? I’m going to open it up a bit. Is your va-jay-jay okay?

Yes, “va-jay-jay” is now an approved scientific term, thanks to Oprah and her powerful influence. If you look in any recent OB/GYN medical journal, like the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology or VAG: The Virgin Island’s Articles of Gynecology, you’ll see it is used quite a bit.

So let’s take a look in there, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. You’ve got a nice healthy pink going on. It reminds me of bubblegum. Have you had any pain or discomfort in the pelvic, vaginal or rectal areas? No? Good. Have you had any issues with your period? No? Great. Have you had any unusual discharges? No? Good.

Okay, now I’m going to put on some gloves, lube up a little bit, and feel around in there. I’m going to press on your stomach and let me know if anything feels painful, besides me putting two latex covered fingers up your taco.

Yes, “taco” is another approved scientific term. Actually, the American Association of OB/GYNs prefer the use of the term “pink taco.” Now I’m just going to stick this swab in you to get a sample. This will probably cause some discomfort. Are you doing okay? I got a good sample. Now I’m going to taste the sample. Don’t worry, it’s a new European technique that I learned at one of our overseas conferences.

Your sample is crunchy. Hmm…let me lick the center. The center of the sample tastes kind of like strawberry ice cream, like it should, since you are the Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. Your balanced combination of strawberry creme and chocolate cookie is pretty good. I think I’m going to need another sample from you to taste, which I apologize for since it will be a little uncomfortable with the swab.

If only you had some vanilla, then I think you would make a mean Neapolitan Oreo. You know what. I think another sample is necessary, because I need to dip it in milk. I apologize again for the discomfort.

Hmm…it’s decent with milk, but I prefer dipping regular Oreos in milk.

Well your va-jay-jay looks good, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. Do you have any questions for me? No? Well then, take care of yourself, avoid men who scratch their balls too much, keep your cooter away from schlongs it can’t handle, and I’ll see you in a few months.

Yes, “cooter” and “schlong” are now approved scientific terms.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbs, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, and 1 gram of Kelis jokes.)

(Editor’s Note: For more Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme reviews without va-jay-jay references, check out the review from Phoood, We Called It, and Oreo Opinion.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme
Price: $3.89
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Creme center tastes kind of like strawberry ice cream. Kind of addicting, like regular Oreos. No trans fats. Mila Kunis.
Cons: Limited edition. Visits to the gynecologist. Not that great with milk, like regular Oreos are. Eating an entire tray of them in one sitting.

REVIEW: Oreo Cakesters

Marvo 22 Comments
Oreo Cakesters

Update: We also tried it in 2022! Click here to read our updated review.

Whoever was the marketing guru responsible for naming the Oreo Cakesters must’ve been inspired by their hours spent watching professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, who went by the self-given nickname, “The Hulkster.”

I don’t know if they realized it, but it’s an appropriate name, since the Oreo Cakesters look like they’re regular Oreos on steroids, much like “The Hulkster” was in the 1980s.

I’m surprised the swollen-looking Oreo Cakesters didn’t have an enlarged forehead, shrunken testicles, ‘roid rage, or hit 74 home runs in a season.

Oreos are one of my weaknesses, just like female asian classical instrument musicians, especially those who like to put a cello in between their legs. I don’t know what it is about those black and white discs of sugary comfort that warms my heart and spikes my sugar levels, but whenever they’re around I’ll eat one or two or however many I can stuff in my mouth during an episode of The Daily Show.

The Oreo Cakesters are significantly different than their older, harder brethren. First off, they’re soft, like cake or anything by Metallica after 1990. This means you can’t crush these to make an awesome Oreo cookie crust for a pie, an ice cream topping, or something snortable through a rolled up hundred dollar bill.

Instead of coming packaged on a tray with three rows of ebony and ivory goodness, Cakesters come in a box with six twin-wrapped packs. These packs make it easier to take some on the go, but make it hard when you want to pelt someone with Oreos. The amount of time spent opening each pack means more time for your target to run away, unless your target is Britney Spears, because she does everything lethargically now, like putting on clothes, parenting, and MTV VMA performances.

The biggest difference between these new fattening Oreo Cakesters and regular fattening Oreos is that they don’t taste like Oreos. If you enjoy ho hos and ding dongs from hostess bars, I suggest you get checked for sexually transmitted diseases regularly, but if you like Ho Hos and Ding Dongs from Hostess, you will probably like the Oreo Cakesters because they taste like those wonderful chocolate cake products.

Not having the Oreo flavor is disappointing, but I do think they taste delicious and if I wanted to look like Rosie O’Donnell for Halloween, I might just use the Oreo Cakesters to help build body mass. Sure, steroids would probably give me faster results, but I want tastier results without the ‘roid rage, and I think the Oreo Cakesters would be able to provide that.

Besides, I already have a enlarged forehead from my huge brain filled with worthless information and Metallica song lyrics.

(Nutritional Facts – 2 cakes – 12 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 36 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 23 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, a measly 2% RDA of calcium, and 8% RDA of iron)

Item: Oreo Cakesters
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like Hostess Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs. Soft and cakey. Tastes good. Zero trans fat. The Hulkster.
Cons: They look like Oreos on steroids. Don’t taste like Oreos. Unhealthier than regular Oreos. Shrunken testicles. Can’t make Oreo cookie crust with them. Twin-wrapped packs makes it hard to pelt people with Oreos. Britney Spears’ VMA performance.

REVIEW: Quaker Breakfast Cookies

Marvo 33 Comments

I’m not of big fan of the future, or its friends Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick. They’ve disappointed me so many times, like at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2000 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of Y2K.

Just to let you know, I’m still eating the canned food I stocked up on back then and I’ve still got my looting gear, which consists of bricks to break windows, a black mask to hide my face, and a shopping cart to carry all the stuff I was going to steal.

I thought the future would bring us personal jet packs that would allow everyone to fly like birds, make it possible for short Asian people to dunk basketballs on regulation height rims, and give everyone the opportunity to join the Mile High Club. Instead we have the Segway personal transporter, which zips at a brisk 12.5 MPH and makes everyone who rides one look like a smug prick.

By now I thought there would be a MTV channel which plays ONLY music videos. For a while MTV2 filled that role, but quicker than you can say Wonder Showzen (which is frickin’ hilarious), but not as quick as I am to change the channel when The Andy Milonakis Show comes on, MTV2 began to focus less on music videos.

Finally, I hoped the future would bring breakfast pizza. I’m not talking about the leftover pizza sitting on the counter or in the fridge from last night’s swinger party you had. I’m talking about fresh pizza that I can order at 5:30 in the morning and have it delivered to my apartment within 30 minutes by some guy whose tip is going to be, “Here’s your tip. Don’t be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life.”

Instead, we have breakfast cookies to eat, which depending on your breakfast eating habits, is something totally new, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or something you ate throughout college using Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

The breakfast cookies I’m talking about are the new Quaker Breakfast Cookies, which come in two flavors, Oatmeal Raisin and Apple Cinnamon. Despite its name, they’re more of a mid-morning snack instead of something that would be, as most cereal commercials say, “Part of a nutritious breakfast.”

They’re definitely healthier than regular cookies since they’re made with whole grain rolled oats and contain 5 grams of dietary fiber, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, and a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. However, I don’t know if its healthiness quite makes up for its decent taste. I’ve never had an apple cinnamon cookie before, but I’ve had better tasting oatmeal raisin cookies than the Quaker Breakfast Cookies version.

I also gave a couple of cookies to my co-worker, who took a bite out of one of them, told me they were disgusting, threw away the uneaten portion, and then put me on her shit list.

Each soft and chewy cookie is about three inches to three and a half inches in diameter, which is a good size for a cookie, and they’re individually-wrapped, which makes it convenient for those people on the go, like those waking up the next morning after a swinger party on a workday.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the folks at Quaker and Fleishman-Hillard for sending me a couple of boxes of Quaker Breakfast Cookies. I predict that after reading this review they will never send me anything else ever again. Also, for more reviews of these cookies, go check out Bryan’s review at Cheap Eats and TG’s same-day thoughts at NYCE.)

Item: Quaker Breakfast Cookies
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: Received free from Quaker
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Healthy. Individually packed. Good size. Makes a good mid-morning snack. 5 grams of dietary fiber. Vitamins and minerals. Wonder Showzen. Breakfast pizza. Cookie Crisp. Might be good for swinger parties.
Cons: Not the greatest tasting cookies in the world. Not part of a nutritious breakfast. Not good for those who don’t like soft cookies. No music only MTV. No personal jet packs. Being on my co-worker’s shit list.