Tag: Crackers

REVIEW: Ritz Crackers (Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat)

Marvo 11 Comments

Ritz Crackers (Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat)

Through my experiences, I’ve learned if you’re at a party that’s serving Ritz crackers as hors d’oeuvres, you should walk out as soon as possible. Because it’s probably going to be either a party filled with people spitting crumbs while they talk about things that bore you or you’re about to watch a timeshare presentation.

Let’s face it. Ritz Crackers have never lived up to their name. If you live in a wealthy, gated community and you offer Ritz Crackers to your haughty guests, you will probably be punished by the neighborhood association and banned for life from any ritzy activities, like dinner parties, hunting endangered species, orgies, or whatever rich people in gated communities do for fun. They’re a step above saltines and oyster crackers, but many steps below any cracker found next to the Stinking Bishop and Neufchâtel cheeses.

Not even serving the new Ritz Cracker varieties — Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat — could prevent rich folks from getting banned from their neighborhood polo match or losing their opportunity to be a part of a human hunting expedition on a private island in the Bahamas.

Honey Wheat Ritz Crackers appear to be “healthy” because it has the word “wheat” in its name and each cracker provides one gram of whole grain, which allows eaters to physically count the number of whole grain they’re consuming. So if you want to get the daily recommended 48 grams of whole grain by eating nothing but Honey Wheat Ritz Crackers, you’ll have to eat one and a half of the four sleeves in the Ritz box.

Or, if eating 48 crackers in one sitting isn’t your thing, you could also eat six bowls of Lucky Charms.

The Honey Wheat Ritz Crackers have a decent sweet and salty flavor, but I thought the honey flavor could’ve been amped up a little. Its sweetness is light enough that I don’t think a bee would touch it with a 10-foot stinger. I think it tastes like another Nabisco cracker, but because they produce enough cracker varieties to dry my mouth if I were to either eat them all one after another or say their names one after another, I’m not sure which one it is. Also, the whole grain is a little noticeable in the cracker’s flavor and texture.

I think the Garlic Butter Ritz Crackers taste slightly better than the Honey Wheat. Although, at times, the cracker’s garlic flavor confused my tongue into thinking I was eating something slightly burnt. But then again, maybe me tasting something burnt could just be a symptom of a rare medical condition.

Or maybe I watch too much House, M.D..

The pleasant garlic flavor is mild and does linger in your mouth after eating them, so I’d recommend having a mint or piece of gum afterwards.

Or stop being a mouthbreather.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 crackers – Garlic Butter – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein. Honey Wheat – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

*Uses partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil

Item: Ritz Crackers (Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat)
Price: $3.00 each (on sale)
Size: 15.1 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Garlic Butter)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Honey Wheat)
Pros: Garlic Butter has a pleasant garlic flavor. Honey Wheat has a decent sweet and salty flavor. Honey Wheat provides 1 gram of whole grain in each cracker. Funny cheese names.
Cons: Uses partially hydrogenated oil. Honey flavor could’ve been amped up a little. Self-diagnosing yourself. Can’t stare at Dr. Cuddy’s cleavage on House anymore. Gated communities.

REVIEW: Triscuit Thin Crisps (Chile Pepper and Parmesan Garlic)

Drew 8 Comments

Triscuit Thin Crisps (Parmesan Garlic and Chile Pepper)

If you’re anything like me, people are constantly stopping you on the street to ask, “Drew, how do you choose what product you’re going to hilariously [they usually cough when they say that part] review in any given week?” (I’m assuming your name is Drew. If not, sorry, but that’s on your parents, not me.) Most of them are hoping the answer is something sexy like opening an envelope from Marvo that self-destructs after reading it, or picking a briefcase at random held by bikini models. But the truth is, what products we review are largely dictated by our circumstances. For instance Marvo, debonair man-about-town and walking STD factory that he is, reviews condoms. Kelley likes armed insurrection and mustachioed men who look like they might be named Sanchez, so she opts for survivalist food and Tapatio products.

And I, devoted family man and perpetual runner-up for the Whitest Man Alive award (stupid Wayne Brady), review crackers. I’m not complaining… it’s what we do here in the suburbs. Sometimes I’ll invite my honky friends over, put my 2.3 kids to bed, and break out the chablis and a cracker platter so we can sample a few new varieties (brie optional). Usually I’ll spring for some imports — Sweden has some wheat-based thins to die for — but this time I decided to stick closer to home. Pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a man whose proudest moment was the time he was in a 3-second audience reaction shot at a Jeffrey Ross special. (I’m the handsome one.)

Triscuit Thin Crisps aren’t an entirely new product, but they have new packaging that I’m guessing is just going to annoy the hell out of stockboys. They’re thicker at the top than at the bottom, thus leaving noticeable empty space between each package. It at least looks kind of cool, if you don’t think too hard about the fact that it means you’re getting less food for your money. Along with the packaging revamp comes a new flavor, Chile Pepper, which we’ll be looking at alongside preexisting variety Parmesan Garlic.

Triscuit Thin Crisps Chile Pepper

I was both enthused and apprehensive to try the new flavor because chile pepper and I are fairly recent acquaintances. The wife finally convinced me a few years ago to try pepper flakes on pizza, and to my great surprise I ended up liking them immensely. But I’m still a skeptic at heart when it comes to new stuff; and much like putting a strapless dress on a supermodel, what works on pizza isn’t always going to work on everything else. So I was happy to bite into my first Chile Pepper Thin Crisp and discover that I liked them. They have just a little bit of heat to them, which thanks to the triangular shape of the crisps kind of flattens out over your entire tongue. But to the disgust of Texans everywhere, the spicy flavor remains infuriatingly mild. If a Texan ever ate one, he would immediately complain that it must’ve been made by a Northerner, then probably mumble something about the Alamo or giant belt buckles or whatever.

The spice is also fairly short-lived in duration; I had two beverages nearby but never even thought about reaching for either, even right after the initial crunch of flavor. To put it in perspective, my almost 3-year-old ate two in rapid succession, then asked for another as a reward for using the potty. When your spice can’t even make a toddler blanch, it’s clear you’re not pursuing the eXtreme demographic. I’ll grant that some of the crackers seemed to carry more heat than others — I don’t know if that’s due to the residue on some of them flaking off, but you could easily get one that makes you check the box to make sure it’s not the plain variety, followed immediately by one that brings the heat rushing back. They also smell extremely good, with that familiar chili powder scent. I’d go so far as to say the smell might actually trump the taste, like coffee or scented candles.

Triscuit Thin Crisps Parmesan Garlic

And hey, you know what else smells good, he segued flawlessly? Garlic and parmesan cheese. This variety also emits a nice scent, though a bit subtler… you really have to get your nose in there and sniff. Go ahead, don’t be shy — grocery store managers like when you sample their wares so you can give informed feedback to other shoppers. And really, “subtler” is the perfect word to describe the Parmesan Garlic Thin Crisps in comparison to their (semi-)spicy brother. The garlic is present but doesn’t overwhelm, and that distinct parmesan flavor that New Jerseyans constantly taste even when we’re not eating anything is present and accounted for. That said, they’re not something I could see snacking on for the entire duration of a football game or a movie. If you’re looking for a flavor explosion, you’re likely to find Parmesan Garlic a bit bland, but cracker aficionados like myself can see past all that to the pleasant neutrality contained within.

And that’s your cracker review for today from CRKR — all crackers, all the time. Neither of these varieties completely knocked my socks off, but they’re both decent flavors that could stand a little more prominent flavor profiles, or maybe just to include a prize inside the box. They’re probably a lot better when paired with cheese, but taken on their own merits, Chile Pepper and Parmesan Garlic are pretty good if unspectacular crackers. Like my high school swim team.

(Nutrition Facts — 14 crackers — Parmesan Garlic – 130 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of mono saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugars, and 3 grams of protein. Chile Pepper – 140 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 135 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Triscuit Thin Crisps (Chile Pepper and Parmesan Garlic)
Price: $2.99 each
Size: 7.6 oz
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chile Pepper)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Parmesan Garlic)
Pros: Getting fellow reviewers on the FBI watch list. Pissing off stockboys. Both smell great, especially the Chile Pepper ones. Nice and crunchy. Pleasing aftertaste. Garlic and parmesan will always be a great flavor combo. Angering Texans.
Cons: Not being named Drew. Strapless dresses on those who… should not wear strapless dresses. 3-year-olds who laugh at your heat. Uneven spice distribution. Parmesan Garlic is good, but wears out its welcome quickly. No prize in the box. A bit dull.

REVIEW: Keebler Wheatables Toasted Pecan Nut Crisps

Nichol 6 Comments

Keebler Wheatables Toasted Pecan Nut Crisps

When I stumbled upon the newest addition to Keebler’s Wheatables line, my first thought was “Finally! Someone has tapped into the sorely neglected yet obviously lucrative grey squirrel market!” I’m serious. My brain operates in strange and fascinating ways. I am afraid of word association exercises and what horrors they might reveal about my psyche.

The Toasted Pecan Nut Crisps were strategically placed on the top row of shelves in the snack aisle. That’s a horrible position for attracting the bulk of the snacking population, but it’s prime squirrel territory, provided my local grocery store starts accepting tree-dwelling rodents as valid customers.

Keebler’s foray into the nut-gatherer segment of the population actually makes sense when you think about it. Of course the tree-dwelling elf company would be among the first to respond to the outcry of squirrels frustrated and bored with the usual range of stale mixed nuts offered up by their overly gregarious, primarily elderly suppliers. I think we can all agree that no self-respecting modern urban squirrel actually goes out foraging among the trees anymore.

Back at my alma mater we had squirrels on the main quad that survived solely on McDonald’s scraps and the adoration of the student body. It was damn near impossible to enjoy a Nature Valley bar in the shade of majestic maple tree on a warm spring day without the little guys circling like vultures, ever tighter, ever closer, chattering expectantly. San Diego’s omni-sunny, seasonless climate makes things all the worse by eliminating the need to hibernate and stockpile. It was only a matter of time before our local rodent friends evolved from hunter-gathering to lounging in little eucalyptus hammocks, munching on acorn-blasted goldfish and googling all sorts of disturbing variations of the phrase “huge savory nuts”.

At first whiff, the crisps smell like Honey Bunches of Oats with a twinge of maple syrup. Each one is rife with pecan flecks and salt crystals. I’m left with a fine nutty/salty dust coating my fingertips, making this a decent option for all those grading their snacks on the Doritos scale of puzzling powder-based messiness.

Keebler Wheatables Toasted Pecan Nut Crisps Naked

The flavor is buttery, with prominent pecan, and just a hint of salt. Think pecan French toast, only crispier, like a standard, non-amazing Wheatable. This threw my best friend into a state of existential confusion. She very much likes to categorize, organize, and keep things neat. The nut crisps shattered that careful order in just one bite.

They aren’t really crackers – too sweet. Their hexagonal shape disqualifies them from any special animal cracker exemptions. They certainly wouldn’t qualify as a cookie either, as they’re too flat and crispy. They’re far too nutritionally deficient to pass as breakfast in any but the most desperate of circumstances, yet every fabric of their being practically screams “GOOD MORNING!” from the moment one opens the box. Even the good elves of Keebler seem unable to decide what to make of this monster. The box tentatively labels them as crackers in tiny print below the giant “nut crisps” banner. So they’re crisp cracker snacks? I guess?

If you’re able to get past that philosophical quandary and dive into a box with no regard for labeling, the Nut Crisps are quite delicious and addictive snack… thingies. They apparently also come in almond, but as a former Midwesterner looking to regain some of the street cred I lost in the Popeye’s fiasco, I only bothered to hunt down the buttery goodness of pecans.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 crackers – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 0% calcium, 0% vitamin C, and 6% iron.)

Item: Keebler Wheatables Toasted Pecan Nut Crisps
Price: $3.59
Size: 8.5 ounces
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Addresses the plight of bored urban squirrels. Tastes like honey bunches of hexagons. Peh-cahns. Good random snack. The Doritos powdery coating scale. Brimming with sunshine and cheeriness.
Cons: Suffers from an identity crisis. Possibly promotes squirrel obesity. Pecan dust never goes away. Makes a very sad stand alone breakfast and an even sadder lunch. Pee-cans. Failing a word association test. Stale mixed nuts.

REVIEW: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix

Marvo 9 Comments

Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix

The problem with regular flat Wheat Thins are that they aren’t very friendly when it comes to being able to play with them.

All I can do with a square Wheat Thin is use it as a paper football replacement or break one in half and use the two pieces to create buckteeth whenever I want to offend rednecks or upset the entire Japanese population by recreating the offensive stereotype of Japanese people found on U.S. World War II propaganda.

But with the new Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix, I can think of multiple playful possibilities.

Some of the things I can do with the round, three inch long Wheat Thins Crunch Stix include:

1. Playing pick-up sticks.
2. Recreating the Star Wars lightsaber scenes using my now worthless Beanie Babies.
3. Producing an ineffective shiv.
4. Pretending to have walrus tusks.
5. Making any Ken doll anatomically correct.

Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix Closeup

While the Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are much more fun than their flat, square cousins, I can’t say they’re as addictive. Their fire roasted tomato flavor was nice for the first few stix, but, strangely, the flavor disappeared after chain eating about five of them. It was like my tongue got used to its flavor, much like how my nose has gotten used to my own flatulence.

Once the fire roasted tomato flavor disappeared, they tasted like low sodium Wheat Thins, which are decent when I’m trying to prevent hypertension, but aren’t as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Speaking of wholesome products, these Wheat Thins Crunch Stix brag about having 11 grams of whole grain per serving. But that isn’t really impressive since a bowl of Cookie Crisp has 8 grams.

Overall, the Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are a mediocre snack. Sure, its shape allows me to stick them in every orifice on my body, but I don’t think they have enough flavor on them to disguise the fact I stuck them in every orifice on my body and placed them back on the party tray I got them from.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces/29 grams – 130 calories, 35 grams of fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Round, thin shape makes them great for sticking in every orifice on my body. More fun then regular Wheat Thins. 11 grams of whole grain per serving. Satisfying crunch. Walruses.
Cons: Fire roasted tomato flavor disappears quickly. Not as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Using regular Wheat Thins to pretend to have buckteeth. Makes a horrible shiv. The value of my Beanie Babies. Hypertension.

REVIEW: Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon

Marvo 20 Comments

It’s fitting I found the Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon in Wisconsin — the land of cheese and meats. If only it came with a beer dipping sauce or made with beer bread batter, then it could be the state’s unofficial cracker snack.

The Cheddar Cheese & Bacon flavor is the latest in the Ritz Crackerfuls line and puts an end to the hoity-toity sounding flavors that preceded it, which include Classic Cheddar, Four Cheese and Garlic Herb.

Like small-breasted porn starlets, the Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon keeps it real. It has real cheddar cheese made with cultured milk, salt, enzymes and annatto extract color. It also has real bacon in the form of rendered bacon fat and bacon bits that have been cured with water, salt, sugar, sodium phosphates, sodium ascorbate and sodium nitrate.

Mmm…You can totally read the realness.

You know what else this cheese cracker sandwich has? Green tea and rosemary extracts. No fo’ realsies. Although I don’t taste either of them. I’d show you the ingredients list to prove it, but you would quickly get bored by its vastness or due to the number of ingredients that end with -ate, you would suffer PTSD (Periodic Table Studying Disorder) and relive the horrors of memorizing chemical compounds in your high school and college chemistry classes.

The Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon has a smokiness to it, but I’m not sure if it’s from the cheese, the bacon, both or from one of the ingredients that end with -ate. Well, whatever creates that smoky flavor, it makes this cheese cracker sandwich slightly more enjoyable than the original flavors of Crackerfuls. The bacon bits are large enough to be seen and provide a different kind of crunch than the cracker, so if you’re one of those mouthy-feely eaters you might get a kick from the almost crystalline-like crunch.

Just like the original Crackerfuls, this latest variety is also as fragile as a mofo. It’s a crumb creator, so if you don’t have manners, I’d suggest getting some and pulling out a plate to eat these.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Crackerful – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon
Price: $3.19
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Festival Foods (Wisconsin)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent smoky flavor. Real bacon bits. 6 grams of whole grain per serving. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Having manners. Contains green tea extract. Porn starlets. Wisconsin before the mayflies.
Cons: Crackerfuls are crumb creators. Unsure of how it gets its smokiness. Vast ingredients list. Lots of ingredients that end with -ate. Periodic Table Studying Disorder.