Crackers Archives - Page 8 of 13

QUICK REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Caramelized Onion Ritz Crackers

September 16, 2013August 12, 2023 Marvo 3 Comments

Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 13.7 oz. box
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Same crispy, buttery texture as regular Ritz. There’s a new limited edition Ritz. Made with dehydrated onions. When they goes away, I can say I was one of the few who had them.
Cons: Onion flavor is mostly noticeable with the first cracker and then fades with each cracker after, so perhaps they should’ve called it Neutralized Onion Ritz. Not sure I’d call what I taste as caramelized onion. Crumb makers. Made with partially hydrogenated oil. Why does it smell like meatloaf? Burger recipe on the back of the box seems like too much effort for an appetizer.

Nutrition Facts: 5 crackers – 80 calories, 25 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

Other reviews: So Good Blog

*made with partially hydrogenated oils

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Bacon Goldfish Puffs

June 27, 2013January 14, 2021 Margaret 2 Comments

It’s wiffle ball season!

That’s right, world, it’s that glorious time of year when the few, the proud, the scrappy bust out their perforated plastic golf balls and toss up curves for this 1953 riff on baseball, but before you grab your yellow plastic stick and funky white ball, you’ll need to make sure you have a snack to keep you sharp. Something crunchy. Something easy to transport. Something made with smiles and whole grains.

Well, alongside the 15 billion other curious ingredients, Pepperidge Farm seems to have hit the nail on the head, and, knowing that there’s nothing like and a little fake cheese dust to perfect your wiffle curve, they have brought forth their new Goldfish Puffs, here represented in cheddar bacon form.

These little fishies are a specimen of the cheesy poof in a shape reminiscent of Pac-Man if he had a fin, a quality that, had it been on the real Pac-Man, probably would have helped him get away from those ghosts a little easier. The fin also serves as a great handle to carry each poof as you pop it into your mouth.

And are these ever easy to chomp. They don’t quite hold the Styrofoam-peanut texture of classic cheese puffs, nor do they sustain the crunchy-nibby sensation of Crunchy Cheetos, but settle somewhere in between: puffy, but still slightly dense with a crunch that it makes me wonder if these were a cracker sent through Mr. Poofinator [the name of the robotic Cheezy Poof maker].

As with all cheesy poof varietals, it is the cheese dust that ultimately makes or breaks the game, and, boy howdy, is there plenty of that dust here. Opening the bag sends a gust smoky, cheddar-filled powder into the air. You may fear this will eliminate said dust from your eating experience, but fear not! There is plenty of this fine grain to go around, spreading kindly to your fingers during the eating experience so that you may consume it after your poofs have been devoured.

Speaking of devouring, the flavor of these poofs starts out with a sharp cheddar tang, highlighting the nutty/beefy aspects of cheddar. Unlike the original Goldfish cheddar crackers, this cheddar bites back. What’s curious is that, unlike Cheetos, which leaves its poofs in an unflavored cornmeal state, the interior cornmeal of the Goldfish poof is enhanced with cheddar, giving each fish extra cheddar oomph. I dare say it hinges on too much cheddar, but, if I had a craving for a sharp cheddar blast, I might dive for these. What follows after this cheddar barrage is the “bacon” flavor.

I often subscribe to the School of Everything’s Better with Bacon, but, let’s face it: bacon can be an assertive flavor and, if not treated with care, will stomp all over your sandwich, maple-glazed doughnut, or, in this case, cheese puff. Here, the bacon flavor translates to smoke, char, and that jar of artificial bacon bits you’ve been ignoring in your refrigerator for the past seven years.

According to the puff’s rather extraordinary list of ingredients, I’m guessing the culprit to be the “bacon flavored lard,” although it may also be the ferrous sulfate. Now, I could support bacon-flavored lard if it supported the cheddar flavor, but, when it overpowers with a flavor reminiscent of Oscar-Mayer-gone-awry, it’s doing a disservice to an otherwise pretty tasty snack.

Despite the taste flaws, there’s something to be said for a product that’s ambitious: a product that gives a new shape/flavor on an otherwise old timey favorite. These cheddar bacon puffs? Definitely ambitious. They’re made with whole grains, they come in the shape of smiling fishies, and the cheddar flavor is muy fuerte.

Sure, the bacon flavor may not be doing them a service, but I could foresee liking the regular cheddar puff variety if I had a hankerin’ for sharp cheddar. They could use tweaking on the flavor edge, but they’re a bold product. Props for that, Pepperidge Farm.

(Nutrition Facts – 41 pieces – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Puffs reviews:
Junk Food Guy (Buffalo Wing)

Item: Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Bacon Goldfish Puffs
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 7 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Ambitious. Loads of cheese dust. Sharp cheddar everywhere. Cheddar-enhanced poof. Crunchy-poofy texture. In the shape of happy fishies. Made with whole grains. Mr. Poofinator. Wiffle ball season!
Cons: Bacon flavor reminiscent of char and 7-year-old bacon bits. Sharp cheddar gets overwhelming. Realizing cheese dust has similar effect as pollen. Questionable origins of “Bacon-flavored lard.”

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

June 24, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 6 Comments

Are we hitting the trough of the Latino flavors wave?

Not quite, but I think we’ve passed the crest because here we have Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime.

I’m fond of Wheat Thins, they’re more subtle than Triscuit and have more personality than saltine crackers. I’m also a fan of some of the flavored Wheat Thins and I love lime.

I love lime so much that when I was a child, I would gobble all the lime “gelatin gems” in those cheap variety cups before anyone could get them.

I even (drunkenly) threw a bag of Skittles out of my car when I realized they replaced lime with disgusting “green apple.” If I had to buy tortilla chips for some wet-ass salsa (all salsa sucks, by the way), I would opt for the Tostitos Hint of Lime.

So what’s not to love about these new Wheat Thins? The nutty flavor of Wheat Thins and the zesty slap of lime. Well, you know when you finally get together with a friend you recently rekindled via Facebook and you realize “What the hell? You’re nothing like your posts?!” Yeah, that’s kind of like these Wheat Thins.

I expected them taste like Wheat Thins with that powdery lime-zest those Tostitos have and they do, but it’s all wrong. First, the lime flavor is too faint because that nutty, almost roasted taste takes over the entire cracker.

Second, I tasted more of the lime zest by licking my finger and I hate people that lick their fingers. You can even see the green specks on the cracker that mislead you.

You taste the lime zest immediately, but it’s so quick that you would think Hangover III stayed on the minds of the public longer. The flavor doesn’t last because it mellows into an almost faint creaminess of garlic and then the familiar nutty taste ramjams your tongue like a terrible National Geographic video about wild animals in heat. RAMJAM!!!

The back of the box screams, “Taste the bold lime flavor.” There’s no way to say it, but that’s a lie and I don’t mean “That dress looks good on you” lie…I mean the “Mommy and Daddy will always love you” kind of lie. What a bunch of crap.

One look at the ingredients and it’s no wonder the lime flavor is as present as my parents when I was having an emotional breakdown. The ingredients list garlic powder, sour cream, and onion powder. It’s as if Nabisco wanted to really do something crazy like moon someone, but then they said, “How about we moon them with our pants on? And also instead of mooning, how about we just stick our tongues out? And instead of sticking our tongues out, let’s just ignore them and whistle loudly?”

The box actually has a sticker that states “People will swipe this.” I can only guess maybe in Russia where people are relegated to eating dark breads and dour potato dumplings. Okay not true, but you get the picture. Anyhow, it leads to a website called flavorprotection.com which is a site about protecting flavor and the joke falls flat. And if I’m speaking about a website, then that should be another indication of how blah these Wheat Thins are.

The only redeemable quality about Wheat Thins Lime is that they are just mediocre and won’t offend your tongue. The resident crunch and Wheat Thins taste are still present. You can’t beat them when they are topped with slices from the cheap rectangle shaped Monterey jack supermarket cheese. Well, you can, just buy normal Wheat Thins and eat those.

I guess my point is why do I have to enjoy a cracker by having to eat it with something else? I enjoy sitting on the couch, shoving my hands in a box of crackers as I leave specks of cracker dust on the remote and just eating them plainly. And does one really have time to mess with slicing cheese when Cheaters is on? By the way that new host Clark Gable III sucks.

Simply put, the lime/citrus zing is too weak, but if you like Wheat Thins in general…well, you could do worse…like replace Joey Greco.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Yum Sugar

Item: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Publix, where they don’t let you put “Go to hell Matt” on a cake you’ve ordered.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The citrus zing hits you immediately. Lime skittles. The familiar nutty taste Wheat Thins have. The word “ramjam.” Wheat Thins are always crunchy. Joey Greco.
Cons: The citrus zing hits you immediately and then dies off just as quickly. The lime taste is faint. The box lies to you, there is no bold taste. Parents lie to you, there is no love. Clark Gable III.

REVIEW: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple

June 11, 2013July 19, 2023 Margaret 1 Comment

Ursa Minor: it’s not just a constellation.

For decades now Nabisco has offered box-fulls of “ursa minors” or, for those of us who don’t speak Latin and have to use Google to translate (i.e. me), “little bears.”

Yes, these wee little ursidae-shaped graham cookies have nourished the childhoods and adulthoods of many humans marching forth into unknown world.

And while the world is still rife with unknowns, I am confident I can keep on marching while nourishing my brain with a bunch of little bears from a box of Teddy Grahams, and now Nabisco is offering these graham-infused goodies in Apple flavor.

The ever-classic duo: One bear cheers. The other does a cool dance with his hands down. Or maybe reverse jumping jacks? Or a 90s workout video? I’ve never really known.

I once read that animals gather together in anticipation of a natural disaster. If that’s true, these Teddy Grahams make me wonder if I should stock up on canned goods and AA batteries because there are a buncha bears gathered in here. According to my ~~calculations~~ calculator, I get a whopping 216 bears per box. That’s enough bears to last me a hibernation…or at least three episodes of Breaking Bad and some midnight ice cream (Maybe a good Talenti vanilla bean? Or Jeni’s Brown Butter?)

But number games aside, how does their taste stand up to their fellow mammal-shaped brethren?

Apple, apple, apple. That’s what I hope for in taste of an Apple Teddy Graham and, boy howdy, that’s what I got. No mushy, half-hearted pomme flavoring here. These taste of tart, crisp Granny Smiths and, while it doesn’t say so in the ingredients, I swear there’s a hint of a lemony bite hidden in here. There aren’t any apple chunks hangin’ around, but the presence of a quality applesauce is present throughout each graham. It’s like the crispy bits of apple pie crust in the form of a grizzly.

If that Teddy Graham were Indiana Jones, the apple would be the boulder chasing him through the cave.

Now, if I had the chance, some secret agent skills, and a power tool that would allow me to swoop in during the dark of night and edit the Teddy Graham recipe, I’d add some cinnamon to get a little depth to these itty-bitty wonders as the apple flavor can get overwhelming, but it’s nothing a little blending with some cinnamon Teddies couldn’t fix.

What’s surprising is that the applesauce doesn’t affect the snap of these bears. They remain just as crunchy as any Teddy Graham I’ve ever encountered, a pleasant discovery given that applesauce tends to make baked goods more dense and chewy. The snap also makes these exceptionally easy to munch. Theoretically, if I continued at the rate I’m going, I’d build up my jaw muscles enough so that I’d soon be ready for try-outs for the sport of “Chewing” at the next Olympic games.

And, while the snackability rate is possible in theory, after a handful or two, I’m good. These quell any apple pie craving, but they’re not my favorites. I commend the presence of calcium and whole grains and actual applesauce, but the apple flavor gets dull after a bit and I’m ready to move on.

In the end, these grahams came, saw, and were eaten, and, by all the pigeons in Central Park, I do declare they delivered on their promise. At the same time, they don’t quite fill the cookie craving in my soul. If you hoard your Granny Smiths at the spark of fall’s harvest or have dreamed of small crisps that evoke apple pie crust, these may be right up your alley. For me, they get a gold star for being pleasant, but haven’t yet reached a caliber of greatness.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 pieces – 130 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 10% iron, and 10% zinc.)

Item: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple
Purchased Price: $2.88
Size: 10 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Predominant thought while eating is, “Pretty good.” Tastes like real apples in graham form. Real applesauce. Calcium. Whole grains. A cookie that doesn’t explode my cholesterol levels. In the shape of a bear. Secret agent skills. 90s workout videos.
Cons: Predominant thought while eating is, “Pretty good.” Could use a pinch of cinnamon. Apple flavor gets overbearing. Doesn’t quite fill cookie craving. Foreboding natural disasters. Realizing my dependency on calculators. There is no “Chewing” competition at the Olympics.

REVIEW: Nabisco Sea Salt & Black Pepper Brown Rice Triscuit

May 3, 2013December 24, 2020 Drew 13 Comments

Not to frighten those of you who grew up on Pokemon instead of He-Man, but your thirty-somethings will really creep up on you.

One day you’re going out drinking on work nights, then coming home and five-starring some Guitar Hero before bed. Next thing you know you’ve got muscle cramps from your adult kickball league, you can’t remember the last video game you played that wasn’t on your cell phone, and you’ve officially become the guy who reviews crackers.

Crackers! What happened to you, man? You used to be… well, not cool. Kind of cool.

But if you’re going to be dragged forcibly into the middle third of your life, might as well embrace it, right? Start wearing that baseball cap forward. Get bacon OR cheese on your burger, not both. Let your wife finally get that minivan she’s been coveting. (Only kidding, dear. We’re not doing that.) But at the same time, if you find yourself looking at a grocery store shelf full of brown rice Triscuits, well… at least get one with a little flavor to it. If you’ve got to get old, be Mick Jagger, not Gene Simmons.

This brings us to Nabisco Sea Salt & Black Pepper Brown Rice Triscuit. The front of the box tells you all you need to know about the demographic they’re shooting for: there are no dinosaurs with sunglasses or randomly slanted words, and surprisingly few explosions. Just a nondescript brown base that gradually lightens into a burnt umber and eventually orange near the top, with a bright yellow glowing orb that most of us call “Almighty Ra” or “Mr. Sun.” Below it, two bowls: one filled with black pepper, the other grains of salt. A single image of a cracker. And that’s it. You want a spokesanimal or rainbow-colored letters? Fuck you, these crackers are for adults. Leave the kiddie crap at home.

The back isn’t much more interesting, filled with imagery meant to convince your subconscious that these are wholesome and good for you: rice, a few stalks of grain, some red beans, and what I initially thought were slices of bread until the text clarified them as sweet potatoes. One side of the box suggests topping the crackers with ricotta cheese and fresh strawberries, but overplays its hand by promising this will “thrill” your guests. Nice try…stick with “mildly enthuse” and I might buy what you’re peddling, Nabisco. The other side is just the nutritional info, which isn’t bad (130 calories from 9 crackers), although the total fat is a bit more than I would have guessed, 7 percent of your recommended daily intake.

I know this will disappoint those of you hoping for another round of great crackers, but like my beloved Phillies this year, it isn’t going to happen. And the reason is that (like the Phils), these crackers boast a certain amount of potential but just don’t make it happen in execution. Remove one from the box and you become mildly hopeful — it mostly looks like a standard Triscuit, but there’s a slight glaze reminiscent of melted butter (Spoiler! It isn’t), as well as visible pepper flakes in little enclaves around the cracker. Turn it back and forth under a light source and you can even see the glint of salt crystals, although don’t do it when anyone’s around because seriously, you look like a tool.

Take a bite, though, and you’ll remember why no one has ever come close to being excited about the combination of brown rice and crackers: these are dry as hell. They ARE crunchy, it has to be said, but have a drink with you at all times. And not just because of the salt, which is present in reasonable quantities, though it does vary some from cracker to cracker; that’s understandable, though. The pepper flavor is distinct and probably the best thing about the crackers — it’s plentiful enough to savor without overwhelming your palate.

That said, it’s still fighting a losing battle against the dryness and the texture of the crackers. And while the sodium level isn’t bad, they aren’t reduced fat or anything that might mitigate your feelings slightly like that. Sad to say, the sea salt and black pepper are both mildly pleasant, but not magic. They can enhance a steak, but ultimately, they just aren’t enough to make these crackers exciting.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 crackers – 130 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Sea Salt & Black Pepper Brown Rice Triscuit
Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 9 oz.
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Salt and pepper are both plentiful and reasonably tasty. 2008 Phillies. Pretty favorable sodium and (especially) cholesterol levels.
Cons: Quite dry, and after the crunch, not a great texture. 2013 Phillies. Does not move like Jagger. Not much excitement. Embracing your thirties.

Tag: Crackers

QUICK REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Caramelized Onion Ritz Crackers

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Bacon Goldfish Puffs

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

REVIEW: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple

REVIEW: Nabisco Sea Salt & Black Pepper Brown Rice Triscuit

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