Crackers Archives - Page 9 of 13

REVIEW: Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins

April 18, 2013December 24, 2020 Drew 8 Comments

Of all my shortcomings as a writer, one of the more noticeable tics is a tendency to bury the lede. If not for the numerical rating at the top, you could read three or four paragraphs into most of my reviews without having any idea whether I actually liked the product, and who has time to indulge a rambling narcissist for that long? Not you, you’re a busy person. Things to do, foods to try! So allow me to cut to the chase:

I had to buy a second box of these Wheat Thins because my family and I ate the first one before I had finished the review, and also just because I wanted to. That almost never happens, even when I really like the food. So there you go.

Now that we’ve gotten the metaphorical first kiss out of the way, we can move on to the rest of our evening. Let’s be candid: in terms of thrilling or exotic foods, crackers rank somewhere between canned tuna and oatmeal. No movie has ever featured a box of Saltines in a steamy seduction scene. Scarlett Johansson could not make crackers sexy. There’s a reason why it’s the preferred terminology for boring white guys like myself.

And even in that dubious company, Wheat Thins are not what you think of as the cutting edge, kick-ass cracker brand. Triscuits, maybe. Cheez-Its? Hell, those em-effers are crazy. But Wheat Thins? They’re what your parents put out as an appetizer before dinner. (Confidential to mom and dad: I still love them! But mostly when sandwiching pepperoni and cheese slices.) So when you hear Wheat Thins is putting out a chili cheese flavor, you scoff and think, “Targeted at who, retirement communities? 8-year-old girls? The Amish? Get real, Wheat Thins.”

And then you take a bite just to be indulgent and it’s like that Chappelle Show sketch where Charlie Murphy plays Prince in a game of pick-up basketball, and the only thing you can say after your first bite is, “Game… blouses.”

I’m serious — by cracker standards, these are really good. They aren’t going to immolate your tongue or make steam shoot out your ears like a 1930s cartoon. But you WILL taste some heat, especially in the crackers at the top of the box. (I noticed the chili flavor starting to get less intense around the middle of the package.) Yes, a Texan would probably pour oil and rattlesnake venom on these and call them breakfast cereal, but for the rest of us, the heat is enough to keep you interested.

In terms of the cheese, it’s definitely overshadowed by the chili. Which is not to say it’s bad — there’s a coating on every cracker that’s probably mostly chili powder, but I would guess also includes cheese dust. It’s just not especially noticeable unless you’re really concentrating, and even then… enh. Not bad, but you’re getting these for the chili, not the cheese. As for the texture, I know it’s incredible to believe but they remain, in fact, Wheat Thins. Same as it ever was.

So there you go: I said at the very beginning that these were great crackers that I willingly bought another box of, and here I am reiterating it. If you’re in a position to pick these up, you should definitely jump on it. That said, I am still going to take points off for unironic use of the word “kickin'” on the back of the box. Because at the end of the day, you are still Wheat Thins. Own that.

(Nutrition Facts – 15 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 95 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Chili Cheese Wheat Thins reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Putting stereotypes to rest. Brings some heat to the party. Would probably be great sandwiching some Swiss cheese. Not too bad for you. Game… blouses.
Cons: Could stand a little more cheese flavoring to keep up with the chili. tl;dr. “Kickin'” is a very cracker thing to say. Taking shots at the Amish is so 1996.

REVIEW: Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins

March 19, 2013December 24, 2020 Adam 6 Comments

I oftentimes wonder if there’s some kind of flow chart that maps out how snack companies pick the next flavor for their brands. You know, the kind of simple-to-read document with the Microsoft Word-Art-inspired fancy arrows in bright colors that leads executives on a maze to the big pastel colored circle that says (in Comic Sans, no less) “Red Velvet Pop-Tart” or “Chicken and Waffles Potato Chips.”

And knowing how some flavors get the check-mark before others, I further wonder if the brilliant advisors to some of our nation’s finest food brands aren’t in fact the same whiz kids giving AT&T all that brilliant advice.

I bring this up because it seems a long-time coming that Wheat Thins would add Honey Mustard to their flavor lineup. Seriously, Nabisco. If “artisan” cheese, low sodium, and cinnamon sugar can get on the flavor list, then you’d think a flavor like honey mustard would have made the cut by now.

Well, better late then never.

The taste is classic honey mustard powder, which from my experience is different than actual honey mustard because it has all the benefits of the irresistible sweet-salty combination with a hint of tang and earthiness to go along with not having to deal with the annoyance of squeeze bottle physics.

There aren’t any particularly “artisan” notes that suggest a fancy-smancy Dijon or horseradish-type of honey mustard, which is great in my book because the last thing I want while snacking is making funny faces thanks to nasal irritation. The powder is applied liberally enough to allow for a finger-licking experience, even after a handful of crackers, which seem a natural fit for honey mustard given the crackers’ malted aftertaste and wheaty flavor.

Like I said, it’s a flavor that seems a long time coming.

The sweet and slightly tangy taste permeates past the powder though, which in this case makes the crackers all the more addictive. It also validates their ability to withstand plenty of the stresses of springtime events like watching opening day baseball on your couch with a cold one.

Yes, spilling your beer on Honey Mustard Wheat Thins will infuse the cracker with the triple hops brewed taste of fermented barley, but it won’t wash away the honey mustard taste. Should you not spill beer on your Wheat Thins and just be one of those weird people who insist on licking every atom of seasoning powder off your favorite snack before crunching down, you’ll still find the usual malted taste of the Wheat Thin melding perfectly with the honey mustard flavor.

Truth be told, I really can’t find noticeable flaws with the Honey Mustard Wheat Thins. However, a bit more seasoning as well as a hint of the kind of innate “pretzel” flavor that goes so well with honey mustard would have put these crackers over the top for me.

On that note, Honey Mustard Wheat Thins won’t be the kind of snack that inspires you to deplete your local Walmart’s stock before your tax rebate check arrives, but at the same time, they’re not something that disappoints. If only all flow-chart inspired snack flavor product decisions could accomplish so much.

(Nutrition Facts – 30 grams (About 15 crackers) – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Classic honey mustard powder flavor reminiscent of Rold Gold Honey Mustard pretzels. Sweet-salty-malty powder applied liberally enough for finger licking action. Not overpowering in the tang department. Avoiding squeeze bottle physics which rob me a good three tablespoons of honey mustard. Whole grains.
Cons: Snack food flavor flow charts. Lacks familiar “pretzel” flavor. Still waiting for a Beer and Honey Mustard Wheat Thins flavor.

REVIEW: Nabisco Roasted Sweet Onion Brown Rice Baked With Sweet Potato Triscuit

March 11, 2013December 24, 2020 Adam 11 Comments

If I was required to guess at which snack product would abandon the usual attempt to capture the taste of a nutritionally poor fast food product or even an offbeat American classic in favor of something that sounds like it came from a Giada De Laurentiis cookbook, then I would pick Triscuit.

More upscale than a lowly potato chip and much more inclusive than the crunchy, sometimes divisive malt flavor of the Wheat Thin, Triscuits are the kind of crackers you put out when you’ve invited your next door neighbors over. You know…the nicely dressed couple in their late 30s with 2.4 kids and a dog named Champ. Average. Moderate. Broad. Unassuming. They’re kind of just there. Except when Champ poops on your front yard.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I can admire a safe snack like that. It serves a purpose, and is something I don’t feel too bad about when going for seconds at holiday socials. This is important, because like most people, I hate talking to my annoying relatives, who tend to flock to such gatherings. But while I can admire Triscuit because they provide me a distraction when I want to be anti-social, I usually don’t go out of my way to buy them. Hard as I try, I just cannot leap for joy at cravings spawned by the taste of soft winter wheat.

However, combining brown rice, sweet potato and roasted sweet onion in and on a Triscuit? Don’t expect me to make it and upload a photo on Instagram, but even my inner fat kid can get behind a composed flavor combination of wholesome grains and vegetables like that.

Triscuit’s marketing people did a really nice job talking up how these crackers were baked with “real food,” but from the slightly orangyish hue, an almost fried-like wheat and rice structure, and a liberally coated seasoning that looked like Doritos Cooler Ranch powder, each square resembled someone’s misplaced attempt to fry a cracker rather than an actual sweet potato or red onion. Undeterred by this bastardized cracker, my initial bite was greeted by an unmistakable shattering sensation that borders somewhere between crispy and crunchy. Wherever it is on the crunch spectrum, it’s strikingly addictive, and a textural bite I’ve really only encountered at Korean fried chicken restaurants like the chain Bon Chon. Far from the usual sturdy, if not boring, crunch of a Triscuit, I was instantly hooked.

The flavoring powder is strong and slightly sweet and definitely has the red onion vibe going for it. It’s thankfully not as sharp or intense as a raw red onion, although the flavor doesn’t quite reach the mellowed, smoky-sweetness of an actual roasted red onion. Basically, someone like Scott Conant might not be “kinda angry” from eating it, but would rather be just be mildly confused. Personally, I loved it. For while the sweet onion flavor wakes up your tastebuds, a mellow, smokier and wholesome sweet potato taste permeates the backend. Think a whole grain sweet potato chip, if you’ve ever had one of those. If you haven’t, just think yummy and smile.

Through it all, there’s an almost Doritos Cooler Ranch quality to the seasoning. I can’t place my finger on it (probably because I was licking them), but there’s a slight tang that just melds everything together. Or maybe it’s just the natural reaction to licking little green herb seasoning off my fingers.

The box came with a nice little recipe idea for topping my crackers with Gouda and figs, but because I chose a career in writing and editing and don’t have that kind of straight cash money, I settled for some Walmart mozzarella and a few raisins. The cracker did just what it needed to do, contributing the sharp sweet onion flavor and meaty sweet potato back notes to the earthy sweetness of the raisins and milky taste of the cheese. Not overwhelming the topping but still holding its own, my little creation was probably the closest thing I got to an actual meal all week.

Clearly, I’m impressed. So impressed, as a matter of fact, that I’m ready to proclaim this my favorite Triscuit and right up there with some of the best crackers I’ve ever had. What Triscuit has managed to do is create a cracker with one of the greatest textural elements of chips but also the robust flavors of, well, actual food. And they’ve done it with something that’s actually pretty good for me and combines none of that actual cooking stuff. While I can foresee those with a strong aversion to onions taking a pass on these, I think most people will be pleasantly surprised by the entire Brown Rice Triscuit line.

As for pleasing your neighbors at those awkward pre-dinner conversations? Well, you’re completely on your own there.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 crackers – 130 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Roasted Sweet Onion Brown Rice Triscuit reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Nabisco Roasted Sweet Onion Brown Rice Baked With Sweet Potato Triscuit
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful and slightly sharp sweet onion flavor balanced by subtle molasses sweetness of earthy whole grains and sweet potato backnotes. Crispy-crunchy-shattery texture like Korean fried chicken. Real food. Whole grains. Doesn’t overpower toppings but can hold its own. Has a Cooler Ranch Doritos vibe for some odd reason.
Cons: Confusing Scott Conant and the anti-onion crowd. Might be a little intense for those who like plain crackers. Not as much fiber or protein as regular Triscuit. Assistant Editors’ salaries. Divisive cracker tastes make for awkward pre-dinner conversation with the neighbors.

REVIEW: Nabisco Honey Maid Banana Vanilla Crème Grahamfuls

August 14, 2012July 19, 2023 Marvo 5 Comments

S’MORES!

HOW COULD THESE NEW HONEY MAID GRAHAMFULS NOT HAVE A S’MORES VARIETY? GOOD GRIEF!

WHO LEFT THE S’MORES OUT? WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO?

I WANT THE HONEY MAID BEE TO STING THE NABISCO EXECUTIVE WHO LEFT OUT S’MORES! AND IF THAT NABISCO EXECUTIVE IS ALLERGIC TO BEE STINGS, THEN SKIP THE BEE STING! INSTEAD OF S’MORES, WE’RE STUCK WITH PEANUT BUTTER, PEANUT BUTTER & CHOCOLATE, AND BANANA VANILLA CREME!

S’MORES!

I’M SORRY…I’m sorry. As you can see by my excessive use of caps and exclamations points, and a Baha Men reference, I’m upset about the varieties Nabisco has chosen for their new Honey Maid Grahamfuls line. I really thought Nabisco would be SMART ENOUGH…

Okay…calm down. Breathe.

I really thought, since they’re using graham crackers, they would have a s’mores flavor. Yes, it’s the obvious choice, but it’s also the yummiest choice. Besides, Nabisco has proven with these horrible peanut butter and chocolate-filled Ritz Crackerfuls that they aren’t good with the PB&C Flavor Factory. Since there’s no s’mores flavor and the other two Grahamful flavors would probably disappoint, I was left with the Banana Vanilla Crème flavor, which ended up not being a bad thing.

Each individually wrapped Grahamful is 4.5 inches long and 1.25 inches wide, and look like they’re ribbed for no one’s pleasure. They’re made with 100 percent whole grain, contain no high fructose corn syrup, have no artificial flavors, and they are quite possibly the second greatest graham cracker snack behind s’mores.

Yup, you read right. Suck it, cheesecakes with graham cracker crusts and graham Goldfish!

So what makes these Honey Maid Grahamfuls so palatable? Two words: banana powder. I know, it totally sounds like the street name for cocaine that’s grown in the same fields as bananas in Columbia, but it’s the natural flavoring that gives the crème filling its enjoyable mild banana flavor, which complements the crème’s vanilla flavor well. The off-white colored crème wasn’t nearly as sweet as the bright white colored crème in the middle of an Oreo cookie, but that’s a good thing because it didn’t overwhelm the two graham crackers. As for the two graham crackers that make up the bread of this cracker sandwich, they were airier than regular Honey Maid Graham Crackers, but had the same honey and sugar sweetened flavor that we all love and enjoy.

Honey Maid’s Banana Vanilla Crème Grahamfuls were extremely tasty. Although, perhaps I find them delicious because I’m more monkey than human since the amount of body hair I have isn’t much different than a monkey’s.

Now that Nabisco has introduced us to Ritz Crackerfuls and Honey Maid Grahamfuls, I really hope the future brings Premium Saltinefuls, individually wrapped filled crackers with soup-flavored fillings.

And, I hope the future also brings THOSE DAMN HONEY MAID S’MORES GRAHAMFULS!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack – 110 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% calcium, and 4% iron.)

Other Honey Maid Banana Vanilla Crème Grahamfuls reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Nabisco Honey Maid Banana Vanilla Crème Grahamfuls
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A wonderful snack with a pleasant banana/vanilla/graham cracker flavor. Made with 100 percent whole grain. No artificial flavors. Better than Ritz Crackerfuls.
Cons: Sticking one-hit wonder music references in this review. No damn s’mores flavor. Provides only 10 percent daily value of calcium. Getting stung by the Honey Maid Bee.

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Grahams Cookies & Cream

July 27, 2012January 14, 2021 Margaret 6 Comments

There was a time in American history in which tyranny and mayhem ran rampant. A time in which deception and little known, yet long-lasting, wars raged.

Yes, dear readers, there was a time when Pepperidge Farm did not exist.

It was during this time that children acted like princes and ruthless animal crackers trampled the land, stampeding under sofa cushions. It was a time of lawlessness, indeed. Some say residents were forced to flee from their homes, holding tight to their boxes of graham crackers, crumbs flinging willy-nilly as they fled from snack thieves.

The consumers that remained scoured Aisle 9, looking for the one snack that could satisfy an empty pocket of the soul. A pocket that could only be filled by a fish-shaped cracker. And thus, the Goldfish was born.

Since then, the snack battles have subsided as the Goldfish has brought joy in the form of an unassuming, aquatic-inspired treat, and it is in the spirit of this great joy that I grabbed this new Cookies & Cream Graham incarnation of the “snack that smiles back.”

Undoubtedly, Goldfish hold a steady place in the world of American snack history, yet with great familiarity comes great responsibility. Coming from one who has experienced the full line of Goldfish, how do these Cookies and Cream grahams stack up to their ancestors?

Let’s rip open this bag and find out:

These are of the standard goldfish-cracker size and it looks like they put both chocolate and vanilla cookies in the mix, both of which are fairly equally distributed through the bag.

And no doubt these fishies are jolly little crackers. I mean, just look at that smile.

What a happy-dappy little freshwater fish. Happiness is contagious and these little buggers spread it. Happiness alone earns these a full point before I even taste.

And now, to dig in to the goods.

(Complete, unrestrained Goldfish consumption ensues.)

Yum.

In terms of texture, these grahams offer a unique riff off their cheddar cracker cousins. Unlike the crisp features inherent in a Goldfish cracker, the Goldfish graham is an undertaking that highlights the crunchy benefits of density, with the chocolate being slightly more compact than its vanilla counterpart. The chocolate is also the stronger of the two flavors, strutting in with a solid merit of dark chocolate, while the vanilla adds a subtle contrast. If this were an orchestra, the chocolate bangs the bass drum while the vanilla comes in like a violin, softening the chocolate with a hint of shortbread.

Now, it must be noted that one very important element is missing here in the Cookies & Cream Goldfish: cream. Where would this cream be on such a small cookie? I do not know. Perhaps in the center of the graham? Perhaps in the form of a mini cream-filled sandwich? I can’t say for sure, but it seems to have gone astray in the process of research and development and I mourn its absence.

Of course, I could say the vanilla is meant to highlight a “cream,” quality as it adds a lighter, daintier flavor, yet it does not provide the texture contrast that I had so hoped for. Perhaps these are not so much suited “Cookies and Cream” as they are “Chocolate and Vanilla.” Nothing bad about that. Simply different than one might have anticipated.

A peculiar sugar sprinkle seems to reside on the outside of each maritime morsel. After three tastings, I have yet to discover this coating’s function in the realm of taste, although it does add a certain sparkle, which leads me to believe it was intended to help support Goldfish expression. I imagine that, being an inanimate cracker, Goldfish have a difficult time finding opportunities to express themselves. I am pleased to find Pepperidge Farm is taking this into account by equipping Goldfish with a fashion-forward glimmer on their outer graham.

I’m also relieved to find that this thin canopy of glammed-up sparkly coating won’t send me bouncity-bouncing down the highway in a crazed sugar rush. These have only 9 grams of sugar and oodles of whole grain per serving. Oh, did I mention there are 35 graham fishies in one serving? That’s a solid handful (two handfuls for the humans with small hands).

Even without the cream, these are good little grahams. They celebrate diversity within the Goldfish culture and are easily munchable, although, if eaten in rapid abundance, the chocolate can be a bit aggressive on the taste buds (and this is coming from a chocolate fiend).

If you’re brave (and I know you are…), you might consider mixing these with cheddar and pretzel goldfish. It will be a bit of sweet-and-salty fish-shaped magic that goes well with ice cream and provides hours of creative nourishment.

These Goldfish hearken back to a simpler time. A time in which one could sit at a table and color for hours while wearing a wonky crown built of paper maché and drinking from a juice box with a bendy straw, and, like the memory of a fond love affair, these hints of the past always highlight the good. The happy times. The thing that, despite all the goofs and flaws and fumbles, brings you back and begging for more. Will these Cookies and Cream Goldfish, with their vanilla-chocolate-happy crunch, send me back for another bag? I’m not sure, but I do believe they’re good enough to try, offering a simple, modest snack for the quiet child in all of us.

(Warning: opening Goldfish bag may inspire spontaneous desire to craft.)

(Nutrition Facts – 35 pieces – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Grahams Cookies & Cream
Purchased Price: $1.89 (on sale)
Size: 6.6 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Variety. Crunch. Vanilla like a violin. Fashion-forward. Spontaneous whims to craft. Whole grain. Pairing with ice cream. Equal distribution of vanilla and chocolate. Coloring books. Drinking juice with a bendy straw.
Cons: Absence of cream. Tyrannical chocolate Goldfish. Sugary coating without a taste. Life before Pepperidge Farm. Being trampled by an animal cracker.