Tag: Energy Drink

REVIEW: AMP Energy (Elevate, Overdrive, Relaunch, Traction)

Marvo 14 Comments

Mountain Dew is the O.G. of carbonated caffeine goodness. With 50-something milligrams of caffeine per can it was the beverage of choice for gamers, procrastinators and sleep haters back when energy drinks were just a twinkle in the eye of beverage makers and I wore my baseball caps backwards, while wearing two Swatch watches on each arm. Today, Mountain Dew is lost among the hundreds of energy drinks out there. Its caffeine content seems miniscule compared with almost every single caffeine bomb energy drink.

What happened to Mountain Dew? It used to encourage young people to do extreme things that only professionals should do, like pull 360 tailwhips on a BMX bike or a goofy-footed backside McTwist on a skateboard. Now energy drinks, like Red Bull, have kids doing crazy things like race in airplanes, flugtag, and post videos on YouTube of themselves doing a Chicken McNuggets rap. Mountain Dew’s descent from the caffeine crown is kind of sad, like seeing a 51-year-old big-haired, tattooed mother of four shop at Forever 21.

Mountain Dew used to tell us to “Do the Dew,” but now the Dew is not dewy enough. It tried to keep up with more powerful energy drinks by changing flavors, colors, and by greeting everyone with the salutation, “Wassup, dogg,” while pounding its chest a couple of times. But it is not about colors, it is about caffeine. The Radioactive Green One may not be extreme enough for this generation, but AMP Energy, its younger, bigger, stronger, sexier, more potent, and porn star cock-sized successors are.

The original AMP Energy is based on original Mountain Dew and recently AMP Energy added to its lineup the new Elevate, Overdrive, Relaunch, and Traction flavors, most of which aren’t really new if you did the different Dews over the last half-decade. Overdrive, which has been out longer than the other flavors, is very similar in taste to the cherry-flavored Mountain Dew Code Red, Relaunch is like the orange-flavored Mountain Dew LiveWire, Traction tastes like the grape-flavored Mountain Dew Pitch Black, and Elevate has a mixed berry flavor. All of them were easy to drink because they tasted more like a soda, than an energy drink, which usually can have a slight medicine-ish taste.

Like members of a boy band, each flavor has certain characteristics and has been given a particular label that describes them. Overdrive is the bad boy of the group and the energetic yerba mate it has gives it a turbo boost. Elevate is the smart one and the L-theanine in it helps it to focus. Relaunch is the cute one and the electrolytes and B vitamins it has gives it the energy to revive to satisfy all the groupies. Finally, Traction is the one everyone thinks could be gay and the maltodextrin and D-ribose it contains helps it sustain its secret. Each flavor did give me a boost of energy, but I didn’t notice any differences with their special ingredients.

Overall, I enjoyed all of the flavors, especially the grape-ish Traction, which let me remember Mountain Dew Pitch Black — my favorite Dew I liked to do. It is nice to see almost all the Dew flavors end up in energy drink form because I am a fan of Mountain Dew. Now that I have my caffeine bomb, all I need now are some Cheetos, an original Playstation, the game Twisted Metal, and I’m good to go.

(Supplement Facts – 8 fl. oz. – 110 calories, 29 grams carbs, 29 grams sugar, 1.5 milligrams riboflavin, 20 milligrams niacin, 10 milligrams pantothenic acid, 20 milligrams phosphorus, 148 milligrams taurine, 124 milligrams of guarana extract, 80 milligrams caffeine, and 20 percent increase in heart rate.)

Item: AMP Energy (Elevate, Overdrive, Relaunch, Traction)
Price: FREE (16 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Enjoyed all the flavors, which are similar to Mountain Dew flavors. Tastes more like a soda, than an energy drink. Easy to drink. 160 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per can. Twisted Metal.
Cons: High fructose corn syrup. Added ingredients didn’t seem to do anything. If you hate sweet, you’ll hate these. Still can’t get my hands on a fucking Nintendo Wii. 51-years-olds who shop at Forever 21.

REVIEW: Go Girl Glo Energy Drink

Marvo 27 Comments

Excuse me, women of the world. Come a little closer.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to come on to you and use any of my panty-dropping pick up lines. I just want to talk and have a stimulating conversation with you while we have a non-romantic candlelight dinner that starts off with oysters as an appetizer, some nice Merlot, mango glazed chicken for the main course, and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. All of them being aphrodisiacs is just a coincidence, and in no way, shape, or form have these choices been premeditated weeks in advance.

What I’d like to talk to you about are the things you women do that make you feel good about yourselves. You get facials, get a perm, drink frozen margaritas, wax body parts, watch Oprah, pluck eyebrows, drink Crystal Light, apply makeup (which you look beautiful without), and buy shoes with four inch heels. Those all are fine, especially the shoes with four inch heels applying uncomfortable pressure on my chest, but I’m worried about this Go Girl Glo Energy Drink.

Why am I worried? Because this energy drink claims to promote healthy skin and if it truly does, women everywhere will be wrapping their lips around it and the 75 milligrams of caffeine and 500 milligrams of taurine per can could turn armies of women into armies of peppy Rachael Rays. One Rachael Ray is fine, two would be tolerable, but three or more are grounds for sedatives…or a cage match between them all.

To help promote healthy skin, Vitamin E and aloe vera powder were added, which bothers me because I don’t know if you’ve ever smelled the leaf of an aloe vera plant, but if you haven’t go do that right now, and after you gag a few times from one whiff of it, come back here. I’m not sure how either of these ingredients in such little amounts can help your skin, but if drinking a can of beer can make any woman look beautiful to me, then why not an energy drink with Vitamin E and aloe vera.

According to the can, the champagne-colored beverage is supposed to be a combination of pomegranate and star fruit, but it kind of tasted like plain yogurt. It’s not bad, but it’s not great and I prefer the flavor of the original Go Girl Energy Drink. Speaking of the original Go Girl Energy Drink, Glo also has the “Super Citrimax” herbal appetite suppressant, which I didn’t notice because I’m a glutton. I also didn’t notice a boost of energy, despite the caffeine and taurine in it, so maybe I shouldn’t have to worry about armies of Rachael Rays.

However, I did find something else that really does give me a boost of energy, suppresses my appetite, and helps with my complexion.

It’s called sleep and maybe you and I should get some together.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% Calcium, 6% Vitamin E, 25% Vitamin B6, 35% Vitamin B12, 6% Iron, 25% Riboflavin, 10% Folate, 500 milligrams of taurine, 508 milligrams of Super Citrimax, 10 milligrams of CoQ 10, 10 milligrams of aloe vera, 75 milligrams of caffeine, and 0 grams of glo.)

Item: Go Girl Glo Energy Drink
Price: $1.79 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Tastes like plain yogurt. Low calorie. Vitamins and minerals. Portion of proceeds donated to ovarian cancer research and awareness. Sleep. Shoes with four inch heels. My guaranteed-to-work pick up lines. Multiple Rachael Ray cage match. Four inch heels applying uncomfortable pressure on my chest.
Cons: I’m not sure if one can will make a difference with your skin. Caffeine and taurine didn’t give me an energy boost. Addition of aloe vera seemed weird. Three or more Rachael Rays.

REVIEW: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink

Marvo 28 Comments

Really? Bigger cans are the future of energy drinks? Pfff.

Energy drink companies are going to have to tickle my balls with something a little more than a 32-ounce can, like the one the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink is in. Seriously, bigger isn’t always better. I’m sure most women are afraid of thick, 12-inch plus porn cock. Right, ladies? Ladies?

How about enough caffeine to bring back the dead? Or how about an energy drink that not just promotes extreme with silly aggro graphics, but one that will actually make me crazy enough to do something extreme, like do a backflip on a wheelchair, punch an armed crackhead in the face, be a guest on The View, or ask a girl out on a date.

Or perhaps energy drink companies should add more herbs beyond ginseng and guarana? Just take a walk into Chinatown and head for the most hole-in-the-wall-ish hole in the wall and after they pat you down, ask for the “secret stash.” If my shady Chinatown contacts can get the dried penis of any animal on the planet to help my ability to secrete pheromones, energy drink companies can probably get their hands on some crazy ass endangered shit, which they can call in the ingredients list, “Ancient Chinese Secret.”

But none of these are in the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink, which makes it just like clowns and Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” — not at all metal. A Big Gulp-sized energy drink sounds good, but the can is so big that it seems unnecessary, like the number of direct-to-DVD American Pie movies.

It wouldn’t be so bad if this energy drink tasted good, like most Monster Energy Drinks, but it doesn’t. It’s one of the worst tasting energy drinks I’ve ever had. It’s Totem Lake Mall bad. The best way I could describe its flavor is to say its like what I imagine all the bodily fluids exchanged in an Anthrax mosh pit would taste like if all the people in the mosh pit ate only citrus fruits and someone were able to collect the bodily fluids without getting knocked out while the thrash metal band played their classic “Caught in a Mosh.”

Forcing myself to drink an entire can was like forcing myself to watch anything on network television that was not written by members of the Writer’s Guild of America. I did finish it and felt quite energetic, but its poor taste caused me to nurse it like I was a 15 year old at a party trying to look cool with a can of Budweiser in my hand.

There’s a warning label on the can that says people should limit consumption to one can a day, but I really think that limit is not strict enough. With the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink’s bad taste and bad name, the label should say “Save your money or go buy something else.”

(Supplement Facts – 8 ounces – 100 calories, 23 grams of carbs, 22 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 180 milligrams of sodium, 1.7 milligrams of vitamin B2, 20 milligrams of vitamin B3, 2 milligrams of vitamin B6, 6 micrograms of vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 2500 milligrams of Monster’s Energy Blend.)

Item: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink
Price: $3.79 (32 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Anthrax (the band). Did give an energy boost, but 32 ounces of an energy drink should, unless you’re dead. Sweet, sweet caffeine. My Chinatown contacts.
Cons: Anthrax (the chemical weapon). Bad tasting. One of the worst energy drink I’ve ever had. Unnecessarily big. Porn cock. Clowns. Direct-to-DVD American Pie movies. WGA strike. Collecting bodily fluids in a mosh pit.

Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink

Marvo 24 Comments

I believe I have found something worse than coal that Santa can give out to the naughty kids for Christmas this year.

If jolly St. Nick wants to be pissed off St. Dick and punish all the little shits around the world, he should stick the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink in their stockings because it is probably one of the most vile beverages I have ever put between my lips and down my gullet.

It’s like they took the essence of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, strained it into liquid form, added a little carbonation, and sealed it in an aluminum can, because much like the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, this beverage made me cry, grimace, and shout out loud, “DAMN, THAT’S FUCKING NASTY!”

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t know what 2 Girls 1 Cup is, it is VERY NSFW (Insert Fark bill here). It is so horribly disgusting that I am not even going to provide a link for it. It is one of the most repulsive things I have ever seen…a couple dozen times.)

The best way I can describe the taste of the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink is to say that its tart chemical flavor was like drinking a photo darkroom. Its ingredients consisted of water, organic kombucha concentrate, organic green tea, organic cane juice, black currant (cassis) juice concentrate, cherry juice concentrate, and carbonation. The cherry and the cassis give it a tartness, the green tea gives it antioxidants, while the kombucha gives it a shitiness.

In the context of the ingredients list, kombucha seems like it is a fruit with a funny name, like a jaboticaba, but it is actually a symbiosis of bacteria and yeast. Doesn’t that just roll down your tongue, then down your throat, and then back up your throat? Yummy!

According to the can, kombucha is supposed to detoxify, energize, help strengthen the immune system, aid digestion, and regulate appetite. The only effect I could notice was my lack of appetite, thanks to it making me a little nauseous. Even reading the Wikipedia page about kombucha made me slightly queasy.

With its unusual name and natural origins, it is something I expect hippies and Madonna to be into, but I could not get into it, despite forcing myself to drink half of the can. “I’m sure it is an acquire taste,” I said to myself, but every sip I took felt like what I imagine it is like being Lucifer’s urinal.

Sure, the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink contains all-natural ingredients and is good for you, but I’m pretty certain that someone who drinks their own urine would find this particular Wonder Drink disgusting.

If the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink can make me cry and wince, imagine all the pain and suffering it could cause with all the rotten children out there, perhaps setting them straight. It could help decrease teen pregnancy, lower drug use, increase test scores, and open their eyes to how lame Heelys are.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 100 grams of holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-this!)

Item: Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink
Price: $1.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Uwajimaya
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: 100% natural. Partially organic. Contains green tea and antioxidants. Kombucha is a funny word to say. Those on the nice list.
Cons: Being Lucifer’s urinal. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Not a source of vitamins and minerals. 2 Girls 1 Cup. It tastes like a photo darkroom. 2 Girls 1 Cup. I am not man enough to drink an entire can. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Heelys. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Those on the naughty list.

REVIEW: Full Throttle Mother

Marvo 15 Comments

If Mother Nature finds out how bad the Full Throttle Mother energy drink tastes, which is named after her because it gets its flavor and energy from natural sources, she’s going to be fucking pissed and I’m afraid of the horrors she’ll unleash upon us. Just like Whitney Houston on crack or a bald Britney Spears, when Mother Nature gets mad, that bitch gets crazy.

Perhaps she’ll create hurricanes, tornadoes, snow storms, a celebrity sex tape that shows too much of her “forest,” sand storms, really hard rain, hail, or any other crazy shit found in the 2004 movie The Day After Tomorrow.

To prepare for the possible apocalypse, I’ve already started stocking up on bottled water, canned goods, batteries, waterproof matches, ponchos, toilet paper, and a first aid kit. I’m also bringing my list of women who have said that the only way they would have sex with me is if I’m the last man on Earth. If Mother Nature releases her wrath, which is more powerful than the Wrath of Khan, but with less breastfeeding than The Grapes of Wrath, I maybe getting laid.

I should’ve known that the Full Throttle Mother energy drink was going to be bad, after all, it does have the word “bad” on its can. They put the word “bad” on there as part of a marketing tagline, but it’s really an omen. The energy drink itself had a tart and bitter taste to it, which made every sip seem like Mother Nature was slapping me across my face and saying, “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

With apple, pear, and blueberry juice, along with acai berry listed in the ingredients, I was hoping that the Full Throttle Mother energy drink would be deliciously sweet, but for some reason that combination turned out wrong, like mixing the potent sperm of Kevin Federline with the egg from any ovulating female. Although no matter how wrong its flavor turned out, the bitchslapping with every sip did help keep me alert until the caffeine kicked in.

Speaking of sweet, sweet caffeine, the 142 milligrams of it per 16-ounce can is probably the only really redeeming quality about the Full Throttle Mother energy drink. That’s enough of caffeine to jump start your day or cause possible heart palpitations after a long night of playing Halo 3.

Overall, the Full Throttle Mother energy drink is bad, just like its can says. It’s probably one of the worst tasting energy drinks I’ve had. Getting its energy from natural sources and having natural flavors is nice, but it would be even better if it were a USDA certified organic energy drink, like Steaz Energy Drink. It does have a nice amount of caffeine per can, although I have to say that the caffeine content might not be enough to impress Mother Nature to prevent her from unleashing the worst PMS-ing ever for naming a bad product after her.

(Nutritional Facts – one 16-ounce can – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbs, 53 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% RDA of Vitamin E, 40% RDA of Niacin, 40% RDA of Vitamin B6, 20% RDA of Vitamin B12, 1,182 milligrams (or 1.182 milligrams – I can’t tell from the can if it’s a comma or period) of acai extract, 177 milligrams of ginseng extract, and 1.4 milligrams of guarana extract)

Item: Full Throttle Mother
Price: $1.89 (16 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Made out of natural flavors and energy from natural sources. 142 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Did give me a boost of energy.
Cons: Bad bitter and tart taste. Lame product name. Mother Nature’s wrath. Not organic. Crackhead Whitney Houston. A bald Britney Spears. Heart palpitations. Being bitchslapped by Mother Nature. Kevin Federline’s potent sperm.