Tag: Energy Drink

Soda Club Energy Drink Mix

Marvo 23 Comments

Growing up, I loved to make things like planes made out of Lego; dams in the backyard stream; slingshots with sticks and rubber bands; forts made out of pillows, boxes, and blankets; mixtapes with Huey Lewis and the News, Prince and Cyndi Lauper; and provocative poses using stuffed animals.

Over the years, my tastes have changed, but I still love to make things like decadent desserts; custom iTunes playlists with the Barenaked Ladies, Beyonce and the Beatles; paper mache masks of assassinated U.S. Presidents; blogs I occasionally update; hot and passionate whoopie; and Build-A-Bear.

Because of my love for making things, I looked forward to trying and reviewing the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. However, I had some trepidation because I believe that the first rule of Soda Club is…you do not talk about Soda Club. Of course, the second rule of Soda Club is…you DO NOT talk about Soda Club.

Then I realized the third rule of Soda Club…taking famous lines from movies and adding your own twist to them to make you seem witty is just plain lame, especially if you’ve never seen the movie.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to make an energy drink thanks to the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. The instructions to make a liter of it was illiterately simple due to the drawings on the back of the packaging.

1. Get a one liter bottle of seltzer water.
2. Twist off the cap of the seltzer water.
3. Squirt Soda Club Energy Drink Mix into seltzer water bottle.
4. Twist on the cap of the seltzer water.
5. Shake it like you’re a pimp trying to get yo’ money from yo’ hos.
6. Let the bottle sit for a while.
7. Enjoy.

It was definitely easier than a simple sudoku or removing a bra using only my teeth, but not as easy as figuring out Lance Bass was gay. As you can see from the picture on the left, the Soda Club Energy Drink looks like beer. For something that was low sugar and low calorie, I was surprised by how decent it tasted. It’s definitely not the best energy drink I’ve tasted, but it’s definitely not the worst either. It also gave me a good boost of energy, but I guess that should happen after drinking the entire one liter bottle within 30 minutes.

The greatest appeal of the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix is the fact that is can be significantly cheaper to make your own energy drink using this mix rather than spending $1 to $2 for either a 8- or 16-ounce can of energy drinks like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar.

With its decent taste, decent energy boost, and inexpensive price, the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix may come in handy during those nights I’m making either a decadent dessert or wet and sticky whoopie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Emily, an intern at Soda Club, for the free samples of Soda Club Energy Drink. Actually, she sent these to me months ago, so she might not be an intern anymore. It was so long ago that she might’ve graduated from college, moved on in the world, and is right now making her way up the corporate ladder. Or she might’ve moved to the Caribbean to enjoy the warm beaches…and occasional hurricanes. Anyway, thanks again, Emily!

Item: Soda Club Energy Drink Mix
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Emily, a Soda Club intern.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low-sugar and low calorie, it has a decent taste. Decent energy. Inexpensive compared with mainstream energy drinks. Easy to make. Looks like beer. Lots of B Vitamins. Some Vitamin C. Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Missing the good energy stuff, like taurine and guarana, ginseng, and other things I have a hard time pronouncing. Opening bottles of soda after shaking it. Pimps trying to get money from their hos.

Rockstar Juiced

Marvo 19 Comments

Rockstar Juiced

“Being juiced” is usually only reserved for some Olympic athletes and baseball players, but thanks to Rockstar Juiced, now everyone can be juiced too.

Although, by drinking Rockstar Juiced we can’t have the increased athletic performance, premature baldness, severe acne, enlargement of the heart, increased body hair, liver damage, elevated blood pressure, abnormal breast development (in men), permanently enlarged clitoris (in women), and shrunken balls (in men) that comes with the other juice.

Instead, what I got from drinking it was an easy to drink energy drink, thanks to the 70 percent juice in it, that tasted much better than the original Rockstar energy drink. The mango, orange, and passion fruit combination in Rockstar Juiced was very good, although I thought the passion fruit taste was a little too strong, which overpowered the other flavors, much like how Beyoncé does with Destiny’s Child.

Oh, if only I had as much passion as this Rockstar Juiced, then maybe my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have broken up with me and I wouldn’t be single today. Maybe if I had more passion, I would be married, a homeowner, a pet owner, and perhaps, a parent.

I would be working during the day, spending time with my family in the evening, and making sweet, sweet love with the wife late at night. Then eventually that routine would get old and I would hang with my co-workers at the bar, come home late, get into verbal fights with my wife, spend less time with the kids, and buy a convertible sports car.

Anyway, along with the strong passion fruit taste, another thing that bothered me about the Rockstar Juiced is the fact that despite having the word “rockstar” in it, I don’t think any rock star would actually pick it up.

The reason why I say this is because there are many other things available to rock stars which have much more appeal. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Young groupies
2. Cocaine
3. Middle-aged groupies
4. Marijuana
5. Old groupies
6. Heroin
7. Groupie boobs to autograph
8. Acid
9. Lap dances from groupies
10. Magic mushrooms
11. Making a sex tape with groupies, which eventually finds its way onto the internet
12. Ecstasy
13. Sloppy seconds with groupies

Sure the Rockstar Juiced has 160 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can, but cocaine is much more effective for late night partying. Also, Rockstar Juiced may have 130 milligrams of a combination of guarana, ginseng, and ginkgo herbs, but when it’s time to mellow out for rock stars, marijuana is herb of choice.

Well I guess I should be glad that rock stars probably don’t consume Rockstar Juiced, because it just means more for the rest of us.

Item: Rockstar Juiced
Price: $1.69 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good flavor. Easy to drink. 70 percent juice. 160 mg of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Slightly less sugar than most energy drinks (21 grams per 8-ounce serving). Autographing groupie boobs (Someday I will accomplish this).
Cons: A little too much passion fruit flavor. Not illegal or hedonistic enough for rock stars. My lack of passion.

REVIEW: Tab Energy

Marvo 21 Comments

Tab Energy

Once upon a time, there was a pretty pretty pink pop princess named Tab, who preferred to be called the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess. The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess was a diet soda pop pioneer, appearing in 1963.

Over the years, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess had gone through plenty of changes to prolong her popularity. However, despite switching sweeteners from cyclamate to saccharin to aspartame, she could not stave off the slowdown of her sales and soon she began seeing less and less of herself on the shelves.

One Sunday, while staring at VH1, she saw Ashlee Simpson and came to the assessment that if the Simpson sibling could simulate being punk and become stylish, so could she.

The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess went through a punishing process to become punk by pumping herself with a power pack of herbal pieces, which produced quite a punch.

She gobbled ginseng, guarana, taurine, and carnitine, which got into her gut. Despite being stuffed with 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, she slimmed down significantly and was less than what she started with in the sixties.

Her wardrobe was like something Jackie O would wear. Her outer packaging pigment may have been pink, which she put on with pride, but she wanted to present herself in pink both on the outside and inside. So she soared to Los Angeles to see surgeons who could assist her with her situation.

Vegetable juice was what they provided, which gave the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess the inner pink pigment she aspired to possess, and now she was prepared to be popular again.

So she was released into society as Tab Energy to see how citizens would respond to her sharp sassy taste.

Some said she tasted sweet and sour like a Jolly Rancher and some jackass at some quasi-product review blog said she tasted like a vinaigrette salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste.

With considerable amounts of caffeine, B vitamins, and Chinese herbs, Tab Energy could be the consummate low-calorie caffeine kick Kate Moss could consume to keep awake in case cocaine wasn’t close by.

Now the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess personally felt that going punk helped her popularity. However, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess’ popularity probably won’t persist, because pretending to be punk didn’t work for Ashlee Simpson.

Item: Tab Energy
Purchase Price: $1.99 (10.5-ounce can)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Even though it tasted like salad dressing, I kind of liked the taste. 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, more than Vault and Mountain Dew. Sexier than the original Tab, so I’d totally do her, but then again I’d probably do the original Tab as well. Easy to drink since it’s less carbonated. Five calories.
Cons: Tasted like salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste, which many probably won’t like. Pricey for a 10.5-ounce can. Not a very manly energy drink. Ashlee Simpson’s attempts to be punk.

Vault

Marvo 31 Comments

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.

Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink

Marvo 11 Comments

Whoop Ass Energy Drink, eh? You’re more like Whoop-De-Doo or the one-hit wonder, “Whoop! There It Is!”

You maybe the champ now, but when Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view passes, that title belt you have is either going to be around The Reviewer’s waist or around your neck.

Don’t take The Reviewer lightly, Whoop Ass Energy Drink.

The Reviewer ISN’T Gene Shalit! The Reviewer ISN’T Roger Ebert! The Reviewer ISN’T Dustin Rowles!

But The Reviewer IS going to kick your ass at Wrestle Wreckage IV.

The Reviewer doesn’t care if you bring your caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, and guarana. It’s enough to give The Reviewer energy when The Reviewer is reviewing, but it’s not enough to kick The Reviewers ass. Heck, bring your donkey, hippopotamus, elephant, and duckbilled platypus, because it’s still not enough.

There’s no doubt that I will beat you at Wrestle Wreckage IV. The odds of me winning the World Championship belt from you are better than the odds that either Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Luke Wilson will be in the next Ben Stiller movie.

You don’t impress me with your 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin, and 260% vitamin B6, because the only numbers that really matter are these two 12-inch guns I have right here.

Oh yeah!

With these two 12-inch guns, I’m going to bitch slap the green color right out of you. And speaking of things coming out, your citrus taste is more like a spit-this taste. It tasted bitter and sweet, like I was sucking on a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop plastic tube.

Finally, what’s up with the red and white stripes? Are you a candy cane? Are you a barber shop pole? Are you a candystriper? Well you’re going to need candystripers when I’m done with you after Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view.

You may think you have The Reviewer’s spirit down after you attacked The Reviewer the other night with a steel chair and slammed The Reviewer through a table when The Reviewer was wrestling The Wall, but I reviewed your poor attempt at bringing me down, and I have to say that it sucked worse than a Creed CD.

But the next time you step in the ring, you better watch out, because The Reviewer will be watching with a steel chair. Also, here a little nugget for you to remember, steel is stronger than aluminum.

But you know what? When we get to Wrestle Wreckage IV, it doesn’t matter whether it’s steel or aluminum, bitter or sweet, candy cane or candystriper, or donkey or platypus, because when The Reviewer gets you into The Reviewer’s finishing move, The Final Verdict, The Reviewer is going to crush you.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jim for sending me a can of Whoop Ass and for not opening a can of whoop ass on me, because I’m pretty sure he could totally kick my ass, hang me on a hook by my underwear, and have people pay one dollar to throw eggs at me.)

Item: Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks, Jim!)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: My finishing move, The Final Verdict. Lots of energy, but not enough to kick my ass. My two 12-inch guns.
Cons: Bitter taste. “Whoop! There It Is!” Steel chairs.