Fast Food – Page 195 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza (Canada)

Michael / June 19, 2014 / Reviews

I like Pizza Hut. It might be my favourite of the big pizza chains. Not that I even think the pizzas are that great, but I appreciate that they know exactly what they are: a purveyor of junky fast food.

They don’t have the delusions of grandeur like some other chains; there’s no “rustic” this or “artisan” that. What they will do, however, is cram cheese, hot dogs, and whatever else they can think of into a crust so oil-laden that it will leave your hands slick with grease if you handle it for even just a second or two. They’ll top the pizza with stuff like poutine or butter chicken.

They know exactly what they are, and they’re not ashamed of it. I like that.

Which is to say that replacing the tomato sauce in a pizza with sriracha is a distinctively Pizza Huttian creation. But is it actually good? The short answer: better than you’d think! The long answer: read on, my friend.

The base of the pizza is the standard Pizza Hut Pan Pizza. It is what it is; you either like it or you don’t, and personally, I like it (and I’m a little bit in awe of how they’re able to cram so much grease into the thing). It’s not something you’d want to eat every day, but when you’re in the mood for that crispy, greasy goodness, it satisfies.

It’s topped with sriracha, green peppers, banana peppers, grilled chicken strips, and, of course, mozzarella. And they’re definitely not kidding around with the sriracha: when I was driving the pizza home, it so thoroughly filled the car with that very distinctive sriracha aroma that the spice vapours actually tickled my nose a bit.

Sadly, it’s not quite as spicy as I might have hoped. It’s hot, don’t get me wrong, but on the mild-medium-hot scale, it falls squarely in the middle. It’s certainly not as spicy as any variety of sriracha that I’ve tried — and sriracha isn’t even close to the hottest hot sauce out there. Clearly, they’re using a very mild sriracha, or they’re diluting it with something.

The flavour is certainly there, however — it’s got that satisfyingly sweet, slightly garlicky flavour that’s made sriracha so hot over the last couple of years (Get it? Hot?? World Pun Championships, here I come!).

The banana peppers are banana peppers. Personally I’m not a fan, and this pizza did nothing to change my mind. I don’t mind them in theory, but every time I get them on a pizza — without fail — I wind up chomping down on a rock-hard stem. I’m convinced that banana peppers are at least 50 percent borderline-inedible stems. And they’re not even that hot, so what’s the point? Banana peppers are the spicy pizza topping for people who don’t actually like spice.

The other toppings were fine. The green peppers added some crunch and a bit of flavour, which worked well with the other elements of the pizza. The chicken is, I’m pretty sure, of the processed variety rather than actual pieces of chicken. It’s a bit rubbery, but it’s okay. It’s not egregious, and there’s enough else going on here that you can’t really tell either way.

The cheese, like the crust, is standard Pizza Hut. Gooey, slightly salty, and abundant.

All in all, it’s not a bad pizza. Subbing out tomato sauce for sriracha could have been a disaster, but somehow, it works. It certainly earns its name, as that distinctive condiment is very much the dominant flavour here. I wish it were spicier, but if you like Sriracha and don’t mind pizzas of the bastardized variety, I’d give this one a shot.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on Pizza Hut Canada website.)

Item: Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza
Purchased Price: $18.00 CAN
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Serious sriracha flavour. The toppings (mostly) work pretty well together. Pizza Hut Pan Pizza crust continues to be a junky classic.
Cons: Not as spicy as you’d think. Banana peppers are the worst. Slightly chewy chicken. Realizing that the “hot” pun is not nearly good enough to get me to the World Pun Championships.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco

Marvo / June 18, 2014 / Reviews / 8 Comments

I believe I’ve put more thought into deciding which witty t-shirt I’m going to wear, than the amount of effort that went into creating Jack in the Box’s Breakfast Monster Taco (BMT). In fact, describing the breakfast taco can be done with a simple equation:

(Jack in the Box Monster Taco – Lettuce) + Scrambled Eggs = Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco.

Hey! That equation would make a great t-shirt in emoji form!

According to this Businessweek article, Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco went through 80 iterations, which is probably 80 times more than what the Breakfast Monster Taco went through. However, even though it seems not much effort went into developing the Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco, I enjoyed it slightly more than Taco Bell’s offering.

Of course, if you’ve read my Taco Bell Waffle Taco review, you’d know that I didn’t care for it, so being slightly better doesn’t make the Breakfast Monster Taco special. It’s like saying a Purple Nurple is slightly better than a Wet Willy.

At a quick glance, the BMT looks like a regular Monster Taco. It has the same taco sauce, the same American cheese oozing out from under the shell, the same seasoned ground beef, the same crunchy taco shell, and the same grease spot that looks like an armpit sweat stain.

However, instead of shredded pale green lettuce that easily falls out of the taco, the BMT has pale yellow scrambled eggs that easily falls out of the taco. According to the signage at the bottom of my Jack in the Box’s drive-thru menu, there is an option to make the taco more breakfasty by adding bacon, but like all the girls I asked to cut a rug with at my 8th grade dance, I declined.

Now that I think about it, perhaps it wasn’t so cool saying, “cut a rug” and then moving my hips side-to-side like a downhill skier when I asked them to dance.

My BMT came with a decent serving of scrambled eggs, which looked more substantial than the taco meat. However, the fluffy eggs didn’t have a flavor that’s strong enough to cut through the slightly spicy taco sauce and finely ground seasoned beef, making the Breakfast Monster Taco taste pretty much like a regular Monster Taco. Even the American cheese, which had melted into a thick goo, had more flavor than the eggs.

While I do enjoy Jack in the Box’s tacos, I can’t say I was impressed with their Breakfast Monster Taco. I mean, it’s as tasty as Jack in the Box’s regular tacos, but because it tastes like their regular tacos, I’m not sure why I would purchase it over their regular taco, which I can also purchase any time of day. I should’ve gotten it with bacon. Never say no to bacon.

Oooh! “Never Say No To Bacon” would make a great t-shirt.

(Nutrition Facts – 324 calories, 191 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 186 milligrams of cholesterol, 668 milligrams of sodium, 262 milligrams of potassium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco
Purchased Price: $1.99*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: As tasty as a Jack in the Box Monster Taco. Decent serving of fluffy scrambled eggs. BMT doesn’t mean Bowel Movement Taco. The option to have it with bacon. Coming up with t-shirt that would sell poorly.
Cons: Tastes too similar to a Jack in the Box Monster Taco. It seems not much effort went into developing the BMT. The Jack in the Box taco and its armpit sweat stain. If you think Jack in the Box tacos are disgusting, this will not change your mind.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

Fast Food Jack in the Box

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Blake’s Smokehouse BBQ Pizza

Kelley / June 16, 2014 / Reviews / 10 Comments

Blake Shelton. A name that only vaguely registered in my mind before this review. Some sort of pop country superstar? I was out of my wheelhouse.

Until I saw this.

Now I know exactly who Blake Shelton is. Blake Shelton is an insane person.

You see, Blake Shelton has apparently inspired or contributed to or somehow been involved in the line of Pizza Hut’s new BBQ pizzas, most specifically Blake’s Smokehouse BBQ.

Thank god for Pizza Hut that he’s not actually part of their marketing process, or else this rather pedestrian moniker (and the other two, Honey BBQ Chicken and Hawaiian BBQ) could have gone rather differently. Here are some of Blake’s suggestions:

Chicky Chicky Boom Boom
Cutie Fruity
The Shellshocked
The Aloha-Broha
Dorky Porky
Cluckadoodle-DOOOOO
Hawaiian Piiiiie-ian
P.S…It’s B.S.
The Oklahoma Stuffer
Super Pork Fucker 3000
Barba-who? Barbecue
Meat Sphere
Grab a Fork! It’s Time for Pork!

Only one of the above is fake. Can you guess which one? I’d be hard pressed to.

Pizza Hut describes Blake’s Smokehouse BBQ as “A toasted Cheddar crust topped with sweet Honey BBQ sauce, hardwood smoked bacon, smoked ham flavored with a hint of sugar, and juicy pork.”

In case you’re keeping track, that’s three porks. I’m perfectly okay with this amount of pork. Ignore the quiet screams emanating from my heart at the amount of sodium this potentially presents.

I think the most important player here is the Honey BBQ sauce, and who am I to bury the lead, so let’s start with that.

I have to say that I was quite impressed with this sauce. I was expecting a sweet mess; there was a fair amount of it on each slice, but it added subtle BBQ undertones that didn’t overwhelm the other toppings but instead added a nice smoky flavor. The sauce was also thick, so it stuck to the pizza without creating stickyhands.

As you can see, Pizza Hut wasn’t skimpy with the toppings. Beyond the Honey BBQ sauce, the flavor profile went in this order: sausage, then ham, and then…well, it seemed like they just nodded at the bacon from across the room. I mean, I could see bits of “hardwood smoked” bacon, but they added none of the crunch or smoky flavor I want out of bacon on my pizza.

Oh, did I say “sausage” earlier? What I meant to say was “juicy pork”. Which is, apparently, Pizza Hut code for crumbled sausage pizza topping. There was a lot of it, and it was, indeed, juicy and flavorful, but it wasn’t exactly anything new or special.

The same seemed to go for the smoked ham that Pizza Hut claims to have a hint of sugar. Maybe it was the bit of sugar in the Honey BBQ sauce that masked it, but again, it just seemed like good ol’ ham pizza topping. Again, nothing wrong with that, but nothing special, either.

I was surprised at what a difference the toasted cheddar on the crust made. I haven’t had Pizza Hut in ages, but apparently they changed their hand-tossed formula earlier this year and I have to say, it was much better than I remember. I’ve found in the past that baked-in cheese crusts lack flavor, but the cheddar was really noticeable here.

While I cannot legally stab Blake Shelton, I’m glad I took a stab at Pizza Hut’s Blake’s Smokehouse BBQ Pizza, even if it came with mixed results. That was a forced joke and I’m sorry. While the juicy pork (sausage bits) and ham seemed to be regular pizza toppings, they certainly were plentiful; however, I had to wonder where the bacon went and lamented its absence.

On the plus side, the Honey BBQ sauce wasn’t nearly as cloyingly sweet as I thought it was going to be, and it added a little smokiness that complimented the pork toppings. The toasted cheddar crust was surprisingly flavorful, which beats a regular crust any day. When you add it all up, Blake’s Smokehouse BBQ won’t blow your mind, but it’s a decent pork pizza with a bbq twist. Dorky Porky.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 370 calories, 150 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: Pizza Hut Blake’s Smokehouse BBQ Pizza
Purchased Price: $11.00
Size: Large pizza
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Honey BBQ sauce wasn’t too sweet and adds some smoky flavor. I didn’t have to drink a gallon of water because of excess salt like I thought I would. Lots of sausage and ham toppings. No stickyhands. Cheddar crust was surprisingly flavorful. Fine, I kind of like “Dorky Porky”.
Cons: Bacon crunch and smokiness were conspicuously absent. Blake Shelton’s pizza names. “Juicy pork” and ham tasted like regular pizza toppings. It’s illegal to stab pop country singers (or anyone else, I guess).

Fast Food Pizza Pizza Hut

REVIEW: Wendy’s Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe

Matt / June 13, 2014 / Reviews / 3 Comments

When it comes to burgers, Wendy’s can be rather unorthodox. We’ve seen pretzels for buns, burgers topped with foie gras, even “renegade” burgers named after dinosaurs. With their latest twist on the hamburger, Wendy’s hopes to bring down the house. The steak house.

For a limited time only, Wendy’s restaurants will feature the Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe. In addition to having way too many syllables in its name, the burger consists of a beef hamburger patty flavored with steakhouse seasoning and a garlic aioli, topped with tomato, lettuce, red onion, and American cheese. As part of Wendy’s Right Price Right Right Size value menu, you have little to lose when trying the Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe. I guess you could say the *steaks* are low. (See what I did there?)

In appearance, the Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe I ordered from my local Wendy’s closely resembled a typical Wendy’s cheeseburger. A quick bun-scan revealed the garlic aioli and steakhouse seasoning applied to the underside of the hamburger buns.

Each bite offers the same beefy flavor as a regular Wendy’s hamburger, only kicked up a notch through the addition of steakhouse seasoning, which possesses a strong black pepper flavor and just a hint of heat. If my tastebuds are correct, there’s also a bit of cayenne and paprika in there.

The burger is flavored with Montreal steakhouse seasoning. Unfortunately, I cannot confirm whether or not the Wendy’s seasoning accurately resembles Montreal seasoning in flavor, as I’ve never had the pleasure of tasting the largest city in the Canadian province of Quebec. That said, I imagine it tastes somewhat like hockey, maple syrup, and poutine.

The peppery steakhouse seasoning meshes well with the flavor of the beef hamburger patty, adding some variety to the more mundane flavor of a value menu cheeseburger. Its only flaw is that it can seem too powdery at times, as the peppery flavor really sticks in the back of your throat. For this reason, I strongly recommend pairing it with a beverage.

The dominant flavor in each bite of the burger is the steakhouse seasoning. As a result, the garlic aioli applied to the underside of the buns seems to fall flat — its light, buttery garlic flavor seemed nearly undetectable against the burger’s strong peppery notes. Similarly, the lettuce, tomato, and onions contributed almost nothing to the flavor, merely adding a light crunch to the texture of every bite.

Wendy’s new Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe is tasty, but not breathtakingly delicious. It’s nothing to write home about. (Unless you’re a person who really likes to send letters to your parents about hamburgers. Then by all means, write home!) Though the steakhouse seasoning does enhance the flavor profile of a run-of-the-mill value menu burger, I can only recommend purchasing it the next time you find yourself in need of an inexpensive lunch. It’s a welcome addition to the Wendy’s menu solely because of its low price.

If peppery hamburgers excite you, be sure to try the new Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe while it’s still available. If you miss it, you might just regret your mistake. Misteak? Ah, forget it. I’m done with steak puns. (Or should I say, well-done with steak-puns?)

(Nutrition Facts – 390 calories, 24 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 4 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 8 grams of monounsaturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein. .)

Item: Wendy’s Steakhouse Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe
Purchased Price: $1.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Strong peppery flavor. Inexpensive. Houses literally made of steak.
Cons: Garlic aioli nearly undetectable. Steak seasoning seems powdery at times. An abundance of steak puns.

Fast Food Wendy's

REVIEW: Taco Bell Quesarito

Kevin / June 12, 2014 / Reviews / 9 Comments

Taco Bell has a new item, and instead of rearranging the same ol’ ingredients in a new format like they usually do, they’ve taken to rearranging names of existing foods. The Quesarito is a portmanteau of “quesadilla” and “burrito,” and features meat, sauce and rice wrapped in a tortilla with a layer of cheese around the inner core.

Hmmm, I guess they are just using the same ol’ ingredients too. Like a boring mad scientist. Like if Dr. Moreau kept promising a herd of hybrid leopard-men but just kept putting the legs of rats on legless rat bodies. You know what, though? That’s still pretty impressive. And you know what else? The Quesarito is also pretty impressive.

Maybe the greatest thing about the Quesarito is that it doesn’t really taste like it comes from Taco Bell. It has Taco Bell elements, sure: a disregard for fresh vegetables, a runny sauce that coats all the ingredients, it emanates nuclear fast food warmth.

But the Quesarito has heft. It has substance. Other Taco Bell items often feel chintzy, like they are designed to run through our bodies as fast as possible. Tasty, edible garbage. The Quesarito feels like food. I feel comfortable even calling it a “gut bomb.” And from my experience, the Quesarito comes with a free sizeable nap.

This is thanks to a couple things. It’s a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla, so the tortilla is actually doubled up, which makes it chewier. The rice is also new. It’s “Latin rice,” which I guess means it was a loser studying a dead language in high school. But you can pick out individual grains and it’s cooked more al dente than the rice in other sister items. Biting into a Quesarito, you can sense full, sturdy ingredients. Seems like maybe they took a look at the modus operandi of one Chipotle restaurant and decided to go sic semper tyrannis on ‘em. Side note: anyone have a time machine and know how to say “Please go to prom with me” in Latin? Asking for an amicus.

The decent base of tortilla and rice gives the cheese and protein a solid springboard to showcase their flavors, and for the most part, they do a good job. The cheese in the quesadilla forms a golden ring around the bisected burrito, and every bite is equally blessed by the melty smoothness.

Of the three meat options, the relatively muted shredded chicken fares the best, playing along with the rest of the Quesarito to let every ingredient shine in a concert of flavor and texture. The steak is fine too, but every bite was filled with sinew and makes the burrito feel stringy. The beef is the ground beef from all the other Taco Bell stuff, and as such it lacks subtlety. It’s salty like a salt lick, to the point where it almost burns, and definitely overpowers the quieter elements in the Quesarito.

It’s also ground to the point of almost being a meat puree, and seems out of place in this new, gentler Taco Bell item. It’s time to leave your hometown, Ground Beef. See the world, get some new perspective. Yeah, Ground Beef, we’ll leave tomorrow. Let’s go out back for now, look at the rabbits. That’s it, pet the rabbits. Oops, I shot Ground Beef in the back of the head. I’m sorry, Ground Beef. You’ll never over-salt anyone’s tongue again, Ground Beef. You are reunited in heaven with the Blackjack Taco and the Volcano Menu.

Now the bad. It’s pretty much just the sour cream. Maybe it actually goes well with the Quesarito, but it’s a problem of construction, not taste. The way the sour cream is dispensed on the tortilla, it’s packed all into one end, like if the Quesarito was an airplane, the sour cream takes up first class. And that’s confusing, because first class is a good thing, but there isn’t anything called “last class.”

Okay. If the Quesarito was an airplane, the sour cream takes up all of last class. And I’m Godzilla or Optimus Prime or whatever, and I want to eat the plane, and I bite in and I get a giant mouthful of tangy sour cream. That’s insane. Because who put all this sour cream in an airplane?

But as a human, if I wanted a mouthful of sour cream I’d go to the sour cream store and grab a spoon. Oh wait, that doesn’t exist, because we are civilized people and not creeps and nobody wants mouthfuls of sour cream. And the sour cream pocket is on either end of the Quesarito so it’s like playing Russian roulette with every beginning bite. Mexican-Russian roulette. Sorry. Mexican-Russian-American roulette. We’re a melting pot, folks.

So Taco Bell smushed two words together and they scored a home-down/touch-run with the Quesarito. They made the Brangelina of fast food. Oh! Are any of those kids in that family Mexican-Russian?

The Quesarito is a success, and soon we might be calling Merriam-Webster to add a new word, like all those popular portmanteaus of the past such as bromance, Californication and Fleshlight. Welp, just made myself barf with that string of words. That’s okay, more room for Quesarito.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ground beef Quesarito* – 650 calories, 300 calories from fat, 34 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 60 grams of cholesterol, 1450 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 22 grams of protein.)

*Nutrition facts for chicken and steak versions not available on Taco Bell website.

Item: Taco Bell Quesarito
Purchased Price: $1.99 (Ground Beef), $2.79 (Chicken) and $2.99 (Steak)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Ground Beef)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Chicken)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Steak)
Pros: Substantial, filling. Tastes like actual food. Cheese in every bite. The rice is great.
Cons: Very salty, particularly the beef. Steak is sinewy. Can be runny. Sour cream is always stuck in one bite.

Fast Food Taco Bell