Fast Food – Page 196 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

Trevor / May 12, 2014 / Reviews / 4 Comments

When Taco Bell introduced the Doritos Locos Taco (DLT), it revolutionized not only midnight-munchies runs, but also the whole fast food world. I used to be an occasional T-Bell visitor, but once I had a DLT I quickly became a junkie. I haven’t eaten a normal hard shell taco since, and I don’t think I could. They’re just so primitive and outdated now.

Eating a normal taco shell would be like hitting a piñata filled with candy; you know what you’re going to get out of it. But eating a DLT, now that’d be like hitting a piñata filled with candy AND $100 bills.

New shell flavors came out over time in Fiery, Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch, but there was still room to improve. T-Bell thought adding a spicy chicken and sauce into the mix could do this, so the Cool Ranch Spicy Chicken DLT was made.

They apparently got the idea after people constantly defied the menu and substituted chicken for beef. Maybe some people are just too good to eat 88 percent beef?

The chicken is the same as it is in other T-Bell poultry-based items except it’s been marinated in some kind of hot sauce. Or tossed in the sauce. Or the sauce was poured on it. I don’t know I didn’t make it. Use your imagination! Regardless of how it was made, the chicken was exceptional.

In addition to the kicked-up chicken there’s a “Fiery” hot sauce on the taco as well. I was kind of skeptical about this because I worried there would be too many flavors. You have the cool ranch on the outside, the spicy chicken and the hot sauce on the inside. That’s three different tastes right there. Take into account the sour cream that will be in the supreme one, and that’s four flavors.

I did indeed get one of my two tacos supreme style, and that’s where we’ll start.

The supreme version was a supreme mess. There’s not tons of room in these shells to begin with, and when you add two sauces things get crowded real quick. The hot sauce was oozing from the side of the taco the whole time and kept getting all over my hands. I’m a bit of a picky Pete about messy eating, and this really bugged me.

As for the taste, it was okay but there was just too much inside and the flavors kind of counteract each other. You’ve got the cooling ranch from the shell, two different hot sauces on the inside, and another cooling agent in sour cream. No one flavor stands out and it’s kind of disappointing. I could barely taste the shell on the supreme style, probably because of all that was going on inside the taco.

The regular taco was much better and is, in my opinion at least, the better route to go. It was not nearly as messy, and, more importantly, you could taste everything you’re supposed to taste. It is called a Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch DLT, and in the supreme I didn’t taste cool ranch at all and barely got the spicy chicken flavor.

In the regular taco the shell’s flavor was very noticeable, and it combined nicely with the spicy chicken and hot sauce. The hot sauce isn’t over-the-top, but it’s still got some nice zing to it and you’ll want some sort of cool beverage on hand when you eat it.

Getting back to the sour cream, I can’t stress how much of an unnecessary component it is in the taco’s equation. It’s like when you see a really nice sports car driving down the street, but when it gets closer you notice the owner put some cheesy-ass decals on the side of it, such as flames or fake bullet holes. Weak sauce.

I’ll still get the supreme version of the other DLTs because I find them better that way, but this one has enough going for it already, and sour cream just ruins it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go search for one of those magical piñatas that was mentioned earlier…

(Nutrition Facts – Supreme – 200 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 410 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 11 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco
Purchased Price: $1.59 (Regular)
Purchased Price: $1.89 (Supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Regular)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Supreme)
Pros: Spicy chicken was delicious. Cool ranch goes well with spicy flavors. Midnight-munchies runs. Magic piñatas.
Cons: Supreme style was pretty sloppy. Sour cream covered up too much flavor. Not knowing where to start looking for magic piñatas.

REVIEW: Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake

Kelley / May 9, 2014 / Reviews / 44 Comments

Waaay back on April 1st, Sonic Drive-In announced their newest shake – the Kale Cream Pie Shake.

Sound horrifyingly disgusting? That’s because it was an April Fool’s joke. It was a promotional gag for their Summer of Shakes, which includes Oreo Peanut Butter, Salted Caramel, and Chocolate Covered Jalapeño.

Does that last one sound horrifyingly disgusting? That’s because it was an Apri- oh, shit. It wasn’t a joke. The Sonic Chocolate Covered Jalapeño Shake is real.

When I got my shake, I was disappointed it came in a pedestrian Styrofoam cup. The promo pictures had a clear cup that showed little pepper pieces in the shake, as well as jalapeño pieces on the whipped cream. Presumably, this is why it was initially called the Chocolate Covered Jalapeño Shake, but is now called the Jalapeño Chocolate Shake.

It looked so innocent at first. Just a chocolate shake. I dipped a spoon into the cup, expecting to come up with some little pieces, but instead I found…

Yeah. Whole sliced jalapeños, right in the shake. What the fuck.

Wanting a better look, I unceremoniously dumped the shake into a glass, and the results gave me no encouragement.

Using a straw with my shake, as God intended, it initially tasted like a chocolate shake that was somehow…off. If I didn’t know there were peppers in it, I would have tasted it and thought, huh, they did something weird to this. There wasn’t any real spiciness to it, just an offness, like maybe the chocolate syrup had gone bad. I’ve never had the experience of tasting that, but that’s the closest I could come to a comparison.

And then I sucked in my first piece of jalapeño.

You know how sometimes you’ll get a chunky shake and accidentally suck a piece straight to the back of your throat? That’s exactly what happened to me. But, instead of a delicious piece of Oreo cookie, it was a motherfucking jalapeño.

And not just some pedestrian pickled jalapeño, either. A fresh jalapeño.

I did that thing where you use your tongue to move the piece back to the front of your mouth and started chewing it, but the damage had already been done. Jalapeño juice burned the back of my throat, causing me to choke and gag a little.

After getting over that, I chewed the jalapeño piece. My poor mouth was so confused. “I love jalapenos!” Some of my taste buds said. “I love chocolate shake!” others joined in enthusiastically. But then the two clashed, and both sides screamed.

“AAAAHHHHHHH THIS IS SO WRONG WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US!”

“WE LOVE JALAPENOS WHY IS THERE CHOCOLATE SHAKE IN HERE!”

“WE LOVE CHOCOLATE SHAKE WHY ARE THERE JALAPENOS IN HERE!”

At this point, I was chatting with a friend, who kindly informed me, “I heard you don’t get the full effect unless you muddle it first.”

I hated this idea with a passion. But I had to admit he was probably right.

So I smashed my straw down into the glass, hearing the sickening squish of peppers releasing their capsaicin like a hundred villagers being reduced to a slick yet chunky mash of viscera under the foot of a vengeful giant.

Did I mention that I hate this friend?

What was once an off-tasting chocolate shake with the occasional nasty jalapeño surprise turned into a creamy drink of unending horror. The peppers had now blended efficiently with the chocolate shake, resulting in a taste that, and I’m not over-exaggerating for effect here, made me think I might vomit.

All that pepper taste that had been released and was now free to mix with the chocolate and ice cream, and it’s hard to even describe the outcome. It wasn’t just spicy chocolate. It was jalapeño peppers a la mode with some chocolate. It was bitter and sickly sweet and spicy and sad and I honestly made that face you’d make if a hippo flung poo into your open mouth.

After a few sips, I could take no more. What the hell was I going to do with this thing? I was afraid if I tossed it down the kitchen sink, I might actually toss my cookies along with it.

So I did the only thing I could – I chucked it into the dumpster outside. I should have covered it with cow excrement to make a more pleasant smell or burned that dumpster down and buried the ashes. But that’s probably a felony, so I just threw it in there and hoped no dumpster divers had the misfortune of finding it before it went to the landfill.

I’ve eaten a lot of terrible things in my journey as a food reviewer, but there are a few that really stand out. The #1 on my list has always been Jones Bacon Flavored Soda, and I was reminded of it often as I tried to down the Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake.

With both I experienced a grey, mushy feeling of wrongness deep inside my soul; a knowledge that this is an experience that will stay with me forever; nausea; and the idea that a company had taken a flavor I loved and ruined it forever. Two flavors, in this case.

I really thought I would hate the Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake before I tried it, but thought it wouldn’t be as bad as I’d anticipated. I was wrong. It is so, so much worse.

(Nutrition Facts – Small size — 670 calories, 280 calories from fat, 31 grams of total fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 89 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 56 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 1% vitamin C, 26% calcium, and 5% iron..)

Item: Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: Small
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate shake only tasted “off” before I muddled it. I guess using fresh jalapeño peppers deserves a mention? The cherry on top hadn’t touched the shake, so it was okay.
Cons: Muddling the jalapeños was the worst idea in the world. Um, everything about this shake is a terrible idea. Sonic had the audacity to charge me an extra $0.60 for the jalapeños, for some reason. Burning public dumpsters is probably illegal. Fuck you for scarring my soul, Sonic.

Fast Food Ice Cream Sonic

QUICK REVIEW: Panda Express Shiitake Kale Chicken Breast

Marvo / May 8, 2014 / Reviews / 10 Comments

Purchased Price: $7.89 (2-entree plate)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Panda Express’ healthiest chicken entree (lowest in fat, saturated fat, sodium), so if I feel guilty about getting Orange Chicken, I’ll feel less so if I order this as my second entree. Tender chicken. So much broccoli that they should’ve called it Broccoli Lovers Shiitake Kale Chicken Breast. If you drink too many smoothies and salads with kale, here’s a different way you can consume kale.
Cons: The gingery sauce didn’t really excite my taste buds. It has less sodium than most Panda Express entrees, but the sauce also has a really salty flavor, which made my taste buds a bit irritated. Shiitake mushrooms don’t bring anything to the flavor table. A slightly embarrassing amount of kale; I can get more kale for $1 at a farmer’s market when it’s closing.

Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 570 milligrams of sodium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 14 grams of protein.

Fast Food Panda Express

REVIEW: Whataburger Jalapeño Cheddar Biscuit

Kelley / May 5, 2014 / Reviews / 11 Comments

I’m not that big on biscuits. I owned a Limp Bizkit CD in my late teens, but I’m not proud of that fact, and I think we can all look back and realize we made some stupid mistakes at that age.

I feel bad for the biscuits that come with my KFC meals, because they always wind up neglected in favor of stuffing my face with fried chicken. Priorities, you know? They then go stale after one day and wind up in the trash.

I wish I could just tell the cashier to hold the biscuits and throw in an extra leg or something, but I’m pretty sure there’s no button for that on the cash register, and I try to avoid confusing fast food workers as much as possible. Understanding the talky-box at the drive-thru is difficult enough as it is.

Even when I order a breakfast sandwich, I’ll generally opt for English muffin over biscuit. They just seem to work better as breakfast buns, a phrase I’d like to make a dirty joke out of but can’t quite develop. Biscuits just tend to be more crumbly, which isn’t the most convenient for breakfast on-the-go, especially if you don’t want to show up at work with crumbs all over your slacks.

Before you label me a biscuit-hater, however, I will say that I’m way into biscuits and gravy. It’s one of my favorite breakfast foods, as long as I can afford the luxury of utensils. Whataburger is one of the few fast food locations that offers biscuits and gravy, and their sausage gravy is impressively delicious.

That said, I decided to branch out while on my mission to try Whataburger’s new Jalapeño Cheddar Biscuit. I could have just gotten the biscuit, but that seemed a little sad. Whataburger’s website encouraged me to substitute it for any of the other biscuit options on their menu, which immediately led me down the road of biscuits and gravy (oh, if I should ever find such an actual road flowing with sausage gravy), but I figured the spicy/cheesy combo would work better in sandwich form. Short story long, I decided to get a Jalapeño Cheddar Sausage and Cheese Biscuit Sandwich.

Right away, I could see the pepper bits in the biscuit, which is always encouraging. It had a nice, spicy scent to it, which mixed with the savory odor of the sausage patty very well. Furthermore, the jalapeño pieces were plentiful and looked as though they were fresh (as opposed to pickled) when they were baked into the biscuit, which generally indicates a spicier pepper experience.

I tore off some bites before I ate the sandwich as a whole so that I could isolate the taste of the biscuit itself. It was somewhat dry on the edges – a common problem with fast food biscuits, I’ve noticed – but the inner parts were fluffy and moist.

There was a nice kick of heat and the delicious flavor of fresh jalapeños right away, mixed in with the more subtle but welcome taste of cheese. When eaten as a sandwich, the cheddar in the biscuit was overwhelmed by the more aggressive cheese slice, but the jalapeños remained, giving my breakfast sandwich a little heat to compliment the sausage patty’s spices.

Whataburger set out to make a Jalapeño Cheddar Biscuit, and they succeeded. The peppers give it a little kick, but not so much that you’re questioning why you decided to set your mouth on fire at 8 a.m. While the cheddar flavor disappears in sandwich form, it’s still notable in the biscuit itself.

However, if you’re more into something a little sweet for your morning commute, this biscuit probably isn’t for you. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem like maple syrup and jalapeños would play together very well.

As for the contents of my sandwich, the sausage patty wasn’t really anything spectacular – average thickness; tender and juicy with the standard breakfast sausage seasonings. That said, it’d be fairly difficult to make a ground pork sausage patty that wasn’t tender. The cheese was just a regular slice of American. A teensy bit disappointing, since Whataburger tends to be a cut above your average fast food when it comes to their burger offerings.

So, if you’re already a fan of biscuit sandwiches, I’d definitely recommend you substitute your regular ol’ biscuit with a Whataburger Jalapeño Cheddar Biscuit. It’s a savory, slightly spicy change of pace, and it’s only available for a limited time served between 11 p.m. – 11 a.m., so why not give it a go. If this were a commercial, I’d end this review with a sentence like, “Spice up your morning routine!”

But this isn’t a commercial, so just, you know, try the damn biscuit.

(Nutrition Facts [Biscuit only] — 1 biscuit — 350 calories, 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 8 grams of protein.)

Item: Whataburger Jalapeño Cheddar Biscuit
Purchased Price: $2.64
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Whataburger
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Jalapeño peppers were plentiful and offered a nice kick. Dreaming of a sausage gravy road. Most of the biscuit was fluffy and moist. Finding a biscuit I wouldn’t throw in the trash. Cheddar in biscuit added a nice touch. Definite flavor upgrade from a regular biscuit.
Cons: Biscuit edges are dry. Owning a Limp Bizkit CD. Cheddar in biscuit disappears when paired with cheese slice. Sounding like a commercial. Breakfast not offered all day at Whataburger. Wow, that’s a lot of fat for one biscuit!

Fast Food Whataburger

QUICK REVIEW: Panda Express Orange Chicken with Bacon

Marvo / May 1, 2014 / Reviews / 3 Comments

Purchased Price: $7.89 for 2-entree plate, plus 50 cent upcharge
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Does bacon make Panda Express’ Orange Chicken better? Yes. Applewood-smoked bacon pieces are thick and their smoky and salty flavor goes well with the sweet orange sauce. I received more pieces of bacon than pieces of chicken (your servings may vary). Orange Chicken exterior remains slightly crispy even after being drenched with sauce and sitting in a tray for a while.
Cons: 50 cent upcharge for it. Its color is lighter than their Orange Chicken and it has a slightly milder flavor than their regular Orange Chicken, but the chicken gets easily stuck between my molars like their Orange Chicken. Panda Express says it’s spicy, but I’ve never considered their Orange Chicken to be spicy. Has almost double the sodium and saturated fat than regular Orange Chicken. Bacon not crispy, but what should I expect for bacon that’s been drenched with sauce and sitting in a tray for a while.

Nutrition Facts: 510 calories, 240 calories from fat, 27 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1020 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 21 grams of protein.

Fast Food Panda Express