Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Wendy’s Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche

Jeff 17 Comments

Wendy's Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche

I believe a burger is as good as its bun and vice versa. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of eating a juicy medium-rare, perfectly seasoned hamburger that was ruined because it was on a dry, whole grain, toasted English muffin. And I’ve eaten a dried out, over-cooked burger on a luscious and rich onion bun.

Both occasions left me with the urge to punch someone in the face as I defecated on the floor like an untrained puppy. It just pissed me off on how thoughtless these burgers were concocted. Seriously, Dante may have given up immediately if one of the circles of hell was to eat a burger on a whole grain English muffin.

In regards to hamburgers, neither the bread nor the beef is more important than the other because when in unison, there is a harmonious perfection that is stronger than either part alone. It’s an amalgam of pleasure and guilt that is achieved by simple concepts: beef and bread.

So when Wendy’s touted their new brioche buns with the re-tooled Bacon Portabella Melt, a.k.a. Wendy’s Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche, I was mildly intrigued. I know I can be a complete asshole at times. So when I heard Wendy’s was putting brioche on the menu, I scoffed and went about my business drunk internet shopping.

Granted, most of us want a normal burger from a fast food joint. Yet, a little twist on the “gourmet” side is always welcome. Despite how judgmental and skeptical I was, I made the choice to try it because I knew it could not be worse than eating a burger on a fucking DRIED WHOLE GRAIN ENGLISH MUFFIN.

Wendy's Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche Bun Top

I was a bit put-off by the price because, at $5.99, it’s getting close to those “order to temperature” burgers. However, I was really surprised by the brioche bun. It was bronzed and toasted. The bread had a nice chewy give with the slight toasty edge. There was not the eggy/buttery-richness one normally gets with a brioche but it was not bad for a fast-food bun.

In addition, the bun defiantly (and definitely) held up against the juicy burger, wet mushrooms and melty cheddar sauce. The bread did not get soggy or mushy which made up for the almost-timid taste of the bun.

As for the melty cheddar cheese, this again was piss poor Velveeta-like nacho crap. I hate that shit and whoever invented it sucks. I absolutely despise this kind of “fake cheesery” and felt the burger would be miles better with just the melted American cheese alone.

Wendy's Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche Topless

With that said, the “melty” cheese sauce had an unnatural salty tang but the portabella mushrooms countered this with its earthy flavor and only added to the rich deep taste of this burger.

The beef patty was jammed pack with beefy goodness that should awaken your alpha “Affliction-wearing tee-shirt” soul somewhere. Too often do we get a dried beef patty from a fast food place but Wendy’s is usually consistent on the juice to beef ratio.

Another plus, the burger is bereft of rabbit food. Meaning no stupid lettuce or even a brined cucumber slice to stand in the way of the cheese, meat, cheese orgy!

The bacon was plentiful, nice and crispy with its salty fat that rounded out the offering nicely. Additionally, it added a good porky taste that just indulges your “to hell with all kale salads” side.

Combined, this burger had a deep and complex profile. The muskiness of the mushrooms lent a great reservoir of flavors unheard of in a quick-serve burger. I was surprised because the portabella resembled those spongy mushrooms from a can tossed like an afterthought on a bad pizza.

Yet, it’s not the brioche but the portabella that really makes this burger shine. The mouthfeel is significantly like a “restaurant burger” and the taste is just as equal. I ordered the single, but you can get the double or triple if you’re looking for a heart attack in the quickest and most efficient manner.

I quite liked it and would pay for this again if I have the urge for a “restaurant”-style burger and can’t get to one.

Besides, price alone isn’t always the worst thing if you want to splurge. Because the worst thing is a burger served on a whole grain English muffin. If ever offered one, just pull down your pants, bend over and ask for a donkey punch instead. Trust me, that would be much more delicious and humane.

(Nutrition Facts – Single Burger – 600 calories, 300 calories from fat, 34 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 12 grams of monounsaturated fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1390 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugars, 2 grams of fiber and 34 grams of protein.)

Item: Wendy’s Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: Single
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: The portabella mushrooms really give the hamburger a rich complex flavor. The brioche has a wonderful texture and it’s toasted. The bacon only adds to the richness. Fried kale with garlic is actually nice.
Cons: The melty cheddar cheese sauce sucks. The brioche is not as eggy/buttery as brioche should be. The price may scare some off. Kale smoothies are awful but not as bad as friggin’ burgers on whole grain English muffins.

REVIEW: Subway Sriracha Chicken Melt

Marvo 20 Comments

Subway Sriracha Chicken Melt

“Would you like your tomatoes toasted?” the Subway sandwich maker asked after I told her I’d like to try their Sriracha Chicken Melt with Italian bread.

“Fancy schmancy!” I unintentionally blurted out loud in an old woman’s voice, and then followed that with a nod of my head.

My excitement waned after finding out the tomato toasting involved just placing the tomatoes on the meat and cheese of the sandwich and toasting it all in Subway’s proprietary (and somewhat loud) toasters. I guess fancy schmancy would be if she asked me if I wanted my tomatoes fire roasted and then, after me agreeing, proceeded to pull out a proprietary Subway blowtorch and roast those ‘toes.

Because Subway’s shredded lettuce tends dull the flavor of every sandwich, and because I wanted to copy what’s on the promotional posters for the new Sriracha Melts, I also asked the Subway sandwich maker to top my sub with green peppers, red onions, and pepper jack cheese. Before adding the veggies, she squirted on a helping of Subway’s Creamy Sriracha Sauce as if she was signing her name on my sandwich.

However, as she was doing that, I thought to myself, “Subway probably formulated this sauce so that it would appeal to many different taste buds, so it’s A) not going to be as spicy as the rooster sauce most of us know and love; B) not going to be as bold as the rooster sauce most of us know and love; C) I wonder if she notices my fly is open, I should probably zip that up; D) I should probably ask for more sauce; E) I’m taking too much time to ponder about this because she’s asking me again what veggies I want.” After taking off my thinking cap, I asked for more creamy sriracha sauce.

By the way, is it just me or do other people feel they’re not getting their money’s worth when they don’t load up their Subway sandwich with as many veggies as possible?

Subway Sriracha Chicken Melt Closeup

If you go through bottles of rooster sauce because it’s your jam, the bright orange creamy sriracha sauce will disappoint and you’d be better off just squirting your own sriracha sauce on your Subway sandwich, which is probably something you already do since rooster sauce is your jam. As for the rest of you, it’s definitely a nice change of pace from the usual mild condiments offered, like lite mayonnaise, mustard, honey mustard, and sweet onion.

The sauce’s spiciness is almost on the same level as Taco Bell’s Hot Sauce, which is my sauce of choice when I Live Mas. Along with the chili pepper flavor, there’s a bit of sweetness and tanginess, but overall it doesn’t have a bold or garlicky flavor like actual cock sauce. With that said, I have to say the sauce is tasty enough that it made me say to myself, “Wow. This sandwich didn’t make me sad like the others have. It’s the most enjoyable Subway sandwich I’ve had in a long time.”

As for the rest of the sandwich, I wish the chicken was marinated in the creamy sriracha sauce; the red onions and green peppers added some crunch and flavor that enhanced the sauce; and the pepper jack cheese kind of got lost behind the sauce. As for the toasted tomatoes, I don’t think toasting them did anything to improve their flavor. Perhaps being fire roasted with a blowtorch might’ve helped.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 inch – 440 calories, 230 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Sriracha Chicken Melt
Purchased Price: $7.50
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Most enjoyable Subway sandwich I’ve had in a long time, thanks to that sauce. Creamy sriracha sauce has decent heat and flavor. Red onions and green peppers enhance the sauce. Subway employees who use the condiments to sign their names on the sandwich.
Cons: Folks hoping for rooster sauce will be disappointed. Chicken not marinated. Not sure the pepper jack cheese doesn’t anything. Getting asked if I want my tomatoes toasted was kind of weird. Blurting out archaic phrases in an old woman’s voice. Daythinking while in ordering a sandwich.

QUICK REVIEW: Taco Bell Triple Chicken Stack

Marvo 10 Comments

Taco Bell Triple Chicken Stack

Purchased Price: $5.99*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chicken has a pleasant, but mild lime flavor. Lots of chicken. Flatbread is long and not tough.
Cons: Failing at trying to come up with more positive things to say about the unremarkable Taco Bell Triple Chicken Stack. Some Taco Bell products don’t need their sauce, but this definitely NEEDS Taco Bell sauce. Three cheese blend and chicken give it an unmemorable flavor. Chicken kept falling out because some of it was chopped too small. Flatbread makes my fingers feel like I’ve been collating paper all day.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

Taco Bell Triple Chicken Stack Side

Nutrition Facts: 690 calories, 270 calories from fat, 27 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1700 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 51 grams of protein.

Taco Bell Triple Chicken Stack Innards

REVIEW: Burger King Big King (2013)

Jeff 15 Comments

Burger King Big King

For every Diablo II, there is a Titan Quest. For every Bruce Lee, you get a Bruce Li (or a Bruce Leung if you’re really unfortunate). And for every Volcano, you are tortured by a Dante’s Peak. Is it me or am I the only who laughed when that old lady was screaming in that boiling lake? The melting legs in Volcano were funny too, but at least it had Anne Heche when she was “librarian-hot.”

They say people believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. (Run-on sentence warning.) I say people who say that are secretly wishing to bury a pickaxe into the skull of the imitation rather than spew some bullshit silver lining sayings.

Burger King’s Big King isn’t so much an imitation as it is more of a dare to size up a corporate “Who’s penis is bigger?” argument. The name itself, Big King, is a figurative flaming arrow shot Rambo-way at a certain clown who hawks a particular legendary two all-beef patties sandwich.

But if you plan on taking down a legend, you need to bring more than just empty talk.

You see, I envision this as a bonus stage in Mortal Kombat II, complete with a pixelated voice shouting “Round One, FIGHT!” and the secret blood code unlocked. It’s Big King versus Big Mac! (Cue the underrated Utah Saints’ remix of Mortal Kombat theme song.)

Then I picture the sap playing as Big King watching in silence as he is being barraged by multiple point punches. Soon, computerized shouts of “Toasty!” and “Flawless” pepper the air as the digitalized lettuce and pickles start flying around. Of course, the player smashes the Playstation controller onto the cold tile and walks out.

I believe Big King was introduced in the 90’s, the decade that brought such embarrassments like the soul patch, nipples on Batman’s suit or The Spin Doctors. However, not everything in the 90’s was bad, but Big King will make you think otherwise.

As you can imagine, Big King is two savory fire-grilled beef patties, special sweet thousand island sauce, lettuce, melted American cheese, crunchy pickles, crispy onions in a sesame seed bun. Don’t try to hum that tune while saying that because it won’t work. If you don’t detect the difference, your taste buds will certainly alert you to it.

The burger, to say at the very least, made me contemplate suicide after I poisoned all my goldfish by dropping an Alka-Seltzer in the bowl while listening to Interpol. Dramatic I know, but this burger was a complete Hindenburg disaster.

Burger King Big King Ooze

Upon examination, there was so much sauce. It was dripping off the sides like a glazed donut. The burger patties were dry and thin, like those cheap chocolate chip cookies you get from a subpar travel lodge. True to form in my experience, the cheese was not melted and limp. Yet, the lettuce and onions were abundant and crisp, and those pickles crunched like a sonata. Maybe those passive-aggressive people are right, there is a damned silver lining in everything!

Burger King Big King Topless 2

When I took my first bite, I wanted to throw it away angrily or 80’s-style wrestler stomp it on the ground. All I could taste was the tangy thousand-island dressing that had too much mayonnaise, the intense briny edge of the pickles and flavorless (but crispy) iceberg lettuce. If the sesame bun was toasted, I had no clue because it was soggy and disgusting. It was like eating a sweet mayonnaise and lettuce sandwich. The onions didn’t even add much, except depression.

The sauce drowned out everything. It doesn’t help the beef patties were wafer-thin as if it were pretending to be carpaccio and the flavorless lettuce only emphasized the sole flavor of sweet and tangy globs of mayonnaise.

I was so angry, the onion rings couldn’t even make me happy. Instead I smashed it with my fists and Frisbee’d the offensive sandwich into my neighbor’s lawn.

Burger King’s promise that “Taste is King” on its bags is akin to the corner escort who says “I love you long time.” I’m all for an alternative, but sometimes the old adage rings true…the original is sometimes better. Unless you’re talking about 2008’s Rambo, which I hate to admit, it kicks First Blood out of the jungle.

(Nutrition Facts – 510 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Big King
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The lettuce and pickles were crunchy. Jet Li. You will be find comfort being assured that McDonald’s still trumps in all other special sauce sandwiches. Unlocking the blood code and stomping things 80’s wrestler style.
Cons: Too much sauce. Cheese not melted. Bruce Li. Thin and dry patties. The onion rings won’t save you. Smashing your controller in a fit of rage as an adult.

QUICK REVIEW: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Spice Ice Cream Shake

Marvo

Jack in the Box Pumpkin Spice Shake

Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 16 oz.
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasing pumpkin spice flavor, but not as good as Jack’s Pumpkin Pie Shake, which this shake replaced. Creamy. Comes with whipped topping and a cherry. Made with ice cream. Being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot in your mouth with your tongue.
Cons: Not as sweet and flavor doesn’t pop as much as Jack in the Box’s Pumpkin Pie Shake. Whipped topping slightly dulls the pumpkin spice flavor (but you can get it without the whipped topping and cherry). Drinking one is almost like eating a burger, nutrition-wise. ANOTHER pumpkin spice product.

Jack in the Box Pumpkin Spice Shake Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 788 calories, 359 calories from fat, 40 grams of fat, 29 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 84 milligrams of cholesterol, 255 milligrams of sodium, 602 milligrams of potassium, 100 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 82 grams of sugar, and 11 grams of protein.