For every Diablo II, there is a Titan Quest. For every Bruce Lee, you get a Bruce Li (or a Bruce Leung if you’re really unfortunate). And for every Volcano, you are tortured by a Dante’s Peak. Is it me or am I the only who laughed when that old lady was screaming in that boiling lake? The melting legs in Volcano were funny too, but at least it had Anne Heche when she was “librarian-hot.”

They say people believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. (Run-on sentence warning.) I say people who say that are secretly wishing to bury a pickaxe into the skull of the imitation rather than spew some bullshit silver lining sayings.

Burger King’s Big King isn’t so much an imitation as it is more of a dare to size up a corporate “Who’s penis is bigger?” argument. The name itself, Big King, is a figurative flaming arrow shot Rambo-way at a certain clown who hawks a particular legendary two all-beef patties sandwich.

But if you plan on taking down a legend, you need to bring more than just empty talk.

You see, I envision this as a bonus stage in Mortal Kombat II, complete with a pixelated voice shouting “Round One, FIGHT!” and the secret blood code unlocked. It’s Big King versus Big Mac! (Cue the underrated Utah Saints’ remix of Mortal Kombat theme song.)

Then I picture the sap playing as Big King watching in silence as he is being barraged by multiple point punches. Soon, computerized shouts of “Toasty!” and “Flawless” pepper the air as the digitalized lettuce and pickles start flying around. Of course, the player smashes the Playstation controller onto the cold tile and walks out.

I believe Big King was introduced in the 90’s, the decade that brought such embarrassments like the soul patch, nipples on Batman’s suit or The Spin Doctors. However, not everything in the 90’s was bad, but Big King will make you think otherwise.

As you can imagine, Big King is two savory fire-grilled beef patties, special sweet thousand island sauce, lettuce, melted American cheese, crunchy pickles, crispy onions in a sesame seed bun. Don’t try to hum that tune while saying that because it won’t work. If you don’t detect the difference, your taste buds will certainly alert you to it.

The burger, to say at the very least, made me contemplate suicide after I poisoned all my goldfish by dropping an Alka-Seltzer in the bowl while listening to Interpol. Dramatic I know, but this burger was a complete Hindenburg disaster.

Upon examination, there was so much sauce. It was dripping off the sides like a glazed donut. The burger patties were dry and thin, like those cheap chocolate chip cookies you get from a subpar travel lodge. True to form in my experience, the cheese was not melted and limp. Yet, the lettuce and onions were abundant and crisp, and those pickles crunched like a sonata. Maybe those passive-aggressive people are right, there is a damned silver lining in everything!

When I took my first bite, I wanted to throw it away angrily or 80’s-style wrestler stomp it on the ground. All I could taste was the tangy thousand-island dressing that had too much mayonnaise, the intense briny edge of the pickles and flavorless (but crispy) iceberg lettuce. If the sesame bun was toasted, I had no clue because it was soggy and disgusting. It was like eating a sweet mayonnaise and lettuce sandwich. The onions didn’t even add much, except depression.

The sauce drowned out everything. It doesn’t help the beef patties were wafer-thin as if it were pretending to be carpaccio and the flavorless lettuce only emphasized the sole flavor of sweet and tangy globs of mayonnaise.

I was so angry, the onion rings couldn’t even make me happy. Instead I smashed it with my fists and Frisbee’d the offensive sandwich into my neighbor’s lawn.

Burger King’s promise that “Taste is King” on its bags is akin to the corner escort who says “I love you long time.” I’m all for an alternative, but sometimes the old adage rings true…the original is sometimes better. Unless you’re talking about 2008’s Rambo, which I hate to admit, it kicks First Blood out of the jungle.

(Nutrition Facts – 510 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Big King
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The lettuce and pickles were crunchy. Jet Li. You will be find comfort being assured that McDonald’s still trumps in all other special sauce sandwiches. Unlocking the blood code and stomping things 80’s wrestler style.
Cons: Too much sauce. Cheese not melted. Bruce Li. Thin and dry patties. The onion rings won’t save you. Smashing your controller in a fit of rage as an adult.