QUICK REVIEW: Jack in the Box Monster Taco

Jack in the Box Monster Taco

Purchased Price: $1.49*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like a regular Jack in the Box Taco. Parts of shell not soaked with grease are extremely crunchy. Now a regular menu item. Filling doesn’t fall out as easy as it does with Taco Bell tacos. Jack in the Box’s plans to come out with different Monster Taco varieties. Why do these tacos look so horrible, but taste so good?
Cons: Jack’s Two Tacos are more substantial and cheaper than a Monster Taco. The larger the taco, the larger the patch of grease it has. Has trans fat. The grease patch on the Monster Taco shell is almost the same size as a regular Jack in the Box taco.

Nutrition Facts: 267 calories, 152 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 23 milligrams of cholesterol, 531 milligrams of sodium, 264 milligrams of potassium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Munchie Meal Brunch Burger

Jack in the Box Brunch Burger Munchie Meal

Sadly, Jack in the Box’s Brunch Burger can’t be eaten at brunch time…or at breakfast, lunch, or dinner time. It’s available during the period of day that Taco Bell once called “The Fourth Meal” and others call “sleep.”

Because it’s part of Jack’s Munchie Meal menu, it’s available only from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. So insomniacs, clubgoers, vampires, night owls, prostitutes, and Panamanian night monkeys who are near one of Jack’s 2,200 restaurants can enjoy this burger that combines products from three major farm animals: a beef patty and cheese made from cows; bacon from pigs; and a fried egg from chickens. It also has the largest fast food hash brown patty I’ve ever seen, mayonnaise, and a croissant bun.

I think the Brunch Burger is the most intriguing of the four Munchie Meal entrees, mainly because of my fascination with mysterious Mc10:35, which involves purchasing an Egg McMuffin before 10:30 a.m., waiting around for breakfast to stop being served, ordering a McDouble after 10:30 a.m., and then combining the two sandwiches. With Jack’s Brunch Burger, I can now have a breakfast-lunch hybrid sandwich available at weird hours that I don’t need to build myself.

Jack in the Box Brunch Burger Munchie Meal Halved

Although it appears to be more of a breakfast sandwich than a burger, the flavor balance between the two is about equal. The beef patty’s flavor, which isn’t masked by the usual burger condiments and toppings, stands out. The smoky bacon also helps give the sandwich a nice meaty flavor. Actually, because mayonnaise and its mild flavor is the only condiment on the sandwich, it’s easy for my taste buds to distinguish the different ingredients.

Jack in the Box Brunch Burger Munchie Meal Topless

The large hash brown patty provided a slightly greasy potato flavor, but the characteristic I was hoping the fried potato would bring the most, its crispiness, wasn’t there. The fried egg’s butteriness and yolk helped prevent it from being overwhelmed by the other ingredients. The American cheese melted wonderfully between the fried bacon and hash brown patty, and it did well in giving the sandwich a bit more flavor beyond its meatiness.

As a whole, I enjoyed Jack in the Box’s Brunch Burger and it’s the best Jack’s Munchie Meal entree of the three I’ve tried so far. But even though I made the point that the lack of condiments is a good thing, I can’t help but think it could’ve used some kind of sauce to make it better. Mayo is fine, but a Hollandaise sauce, which is probably a tall order for a fast food joint, would’ve been perfect for this sandwich.

If you’re an insomniac, clubgoer, vampire, night owl, prostitute, or Panamanian night monkey and you find yourself at a Jack in the Box while many of us are sleeping, give the Brunch Burger a try.

(Nutrition Facts – Munchie Meal (JITB website doesn’t provide info for just the sandwich) – 1708 calories, 951 calories from fat, 106 grams of fat, 29 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 340 milligrams of cholesterol, 2993 milligrams of sodium, 1588 milligrams of potassium, 135 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 54 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Munchie Meal Brunch Burger
Purchased Price: $5.00 (burger only)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant meatiness thanks to the beef patty and bacon. There’s a hash brown in it! Lack of condiments make it easier to taste the different parts of the sandwich. Huge hash brown patty. Equal flavor balance of breakfast sandwich and burger. Not as messy as the other Munchie Meal entrees. Cheese melts wonderfully. A variety of textures.
Cons: Not available for brunch. Available when most people are sleeping. It maybe could’ve used some kind of sauce. Hash brown and bacon weren’t crispy. It’s probably super bad for you. Insomnia.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

QUICK REVIEW: Jack in the Box Loaded Nuggets Munchie Meal

Jack in the Box Munchie Meal Loaded Nuggets

Purchased Price: $7.00*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Cheese and ranch are a pleasant salty, creamy, and tangy combo on the nuggets. Comes with 10 chicken nuggets. Jack in the Box Tacos satisfy my taste buds more than the Loaded Nuggets. Halfsie fries. Reasonably priced meal.
Cons: I think calling these “loaded” is like calling Keira Knightley “well-endowed” because there aren’t many toppings. Lacks bacon, and whatever bacon there is gets lost in the sea on cheese and ranch. Uneven distribution of cheese and ranch. Doesn’t look like a lot in the tray it comes in. Passing out drunk and landing face first into a tray of these Loaded Nuggets. Least impressive of the four Jack’s Munchie Meal entrees.

Jack in the Box Munchie Meal Loaded Nuggets Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 1592 calories, 921 calories from fat, 102 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 113 milligrams of cholesterol, 3593 milligrams of sodium, 1394 milligrams of potassium, 118 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 48 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay six dollars for the meal.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie

Do you remember the great pumpkin shortage of 2011?

If not, lucky you. Here’s a brief history lesson: Hurricane Irene stifled the pumpkin crop that summer, and aside from leaving us with a dearth of pumpkin-flavored goodies, it also pretty much crippled society. Families cut ties when informed that there would be no pumpkin pie on the Thanksgiving dinner table; teenage girls broke up with their boyfriends en masse when they didn’t come back with Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes; and many a tree suffered unspeakable damage as rowdy 12-year-old kids with no pumpkins to smash took to TP’ing trees on Halloween.

Dark times, indeed.

Through it all, McDonald’s remained a beacon of hope for pumpkin lovers. For just a buck, I remember getting their warm and sweet baked pumpkin pie even when grocery stores were out of orange Libby’s cans. So if my local McDonald’s could sell pumpkin pie even amidst a worldwide shortage, why are some areas of the country instead selling sweet potato pies this fall?

After hitting up a half-dozen Baltimore-area McDonald’s I really have no idea why, but the good news for pumpkin lovers is that we probably shouldn’t care. I know sweet potato pie is something of a regular occurrence in the land of Dixie, but considering I’m about as southern as Winston Churchill, well, let’s just say it was a new and wonderful experience for me. To borrow a line from an Alabama song that hasn’t made sense until now, this is a pie that will make you shut your mouth.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie Scored Top

It all starts with the crust. The outside of the pie looks exactly like the McDonald’s Baked Pumpkin Pie, right down to the cinnamon dusted freckles and scored top. Like the pumpkin pie, the crust is an enjoyable upgrade over most cheap, prepackaged single-serving pies available in grocery stores. There’s enough sweetness and cinnamon flavor to convince you you’re not just eating layers of shortening and flour.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie Creaminess

I was surprised the McDonald’s Sweet Potato Pie’s filling had a creamier texture than their pumpkin pie’s, although it doesn’t have a necessarily creamier taste. In fact, if I do have one complaint (okay, two complaints considering there are no pecans), it’s that the filling lacks the richness of cream and butter and the emulsified body of a baked custard. I worried about a stringy interior or fibrous texture, but the tubular center (hooray for vegetable puns!) was stuffed with a smooth and fully cooked purée that wasn’t excessively watery or diluted.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie Innards

Even though it has more grams of sugar than McDonald’s Pumpkin Pie, its sweetness is mellow and just right with a hint of molasses and some cinnamon and cloves that help to round out the filling. Dare I say it, but the sweetness discrepancy between the pumpkin pie and sweet potato pie is a testament to the sweet potato’s natural and more starchy flavor. In this application, it just works. And with much better interior filling coverage than a Pop-Tart, it doesn’t feel like you’re getting shortchanged with nothing but crust.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie isn’t my beloved pumpkin pie, but it’s more than an acceptable substitute. The crust is flaky with a wonderful cinnamon sweetness, while the filling has a smoother, even creamier texture than McDonald’s Baked Pumpkin Pie. It’s so good that it might make you forget about driving around to look for their Baked Pumpkin Pie.

(Nutrition Facts – 270 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 6 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie
Purchased Price: 98 cents
Size: 2.7 oz.
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Flaky, slightly crunchy crust with tastes of cinnamon and sugar. Plenty of sweet potato filling with molasses-type sweetness. Creamy texture. Just a buck. A crapload of Vitamin A and fiber. Regional delicacies finally understood.
Cons: Lacks taste of cream and butter. Not a true custard filling. No pecans. More calories than McDonald’s Baked Pumpkin Pie. 1980s country music songs.

REVIEW: Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie

Papa John's Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie

Happy National Cookie Month! Break out the Oreos and snickerdoodles, because this October, we’re celebrating cookies.

Though I can find no record of the origins of this commemorative month on the Internet, it’s safe to assume its birth can be traced back to 1904, when President Theodore Roosevelt held the Nabisco Conference in Washington, D.C. There, Roosevelt mediated the signing of a peace treaty between Ambassador Pop N. Fresh of the Pillsbury Republic and Lieutenant Bertha “Mrs.” Fields of the Cookie Rebellion Army, ending a ninety year civil war. To celebrate the momentous occasion, Roosevelt signed a federal enactment declaring the month of October in honor of the newly found peace.

This year, Papa John’s will be celebrating National Cookie Month by offering to fatten you up. After you finish stuffing your face with copious amounts of grease, processed cheese, and tomato sauce, you now have the opportunity to indulge in dough and chocolate chips with the pizza chain’s new Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie. The fresh-baked, family-sized cookie regularly costs six dollars, but can be purchased for only five dollars with any pizza through October 27.

After witnessing the promotional photos of the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie, it’s clear to me that Papa John’s is relying upon the gimmick of a cookie in pizza form. This pizza-cookie duality is familiar to me. As a child, I recall numerous kindergarteners bringing to school a “cookie pizza” for their birthdays. It was always a treat, especially when the center of the cookie failed to cook through, providing each and every tumbling tot with a yummy serving of salmonellosis. Nothing’s more entertaining than a classroom bursting with sugar-high kindergarteners suffering from explosive diarrhea.

The Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie comes packaged in a miniature pizza box. The cookie was much smaller than expected, appearing rather measly in its flimsy aluminum tin. The promotional photos had made it seem enormous, large enough to feed an entire orphanage of impoverished street urchins or a single Honey Boo Boo. What sat before me was an eight inch pan of cookie resembling a circular plate of baklava, capable of realistically feeding four to eight people of average appetite as a dessert.

Papa John's Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie Closeup

As promised, the cookie was warm, even after sitting in its cardboard box during the preceding pizza feast. In both taste and aroma, the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie reminded me of freshly-baked Nestlé Toll House cookies. Super rich from the melty chocolate chips, the cookie possessed a soft and moist interior, evoking memories of homemade chocolate chip cookies, warm out of the oven during a cold winter.

Too often, the pleasantries of a chocolate chip cookie are ruined by a rubbery, overcooked bottom. Fortunately, even the underside of the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie was soft. The edges of the cookie were similar to brownie edges, offering a bit more of a crunch than the center.

Papa John's Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie Slice

Warm and gooey, Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie is delightfully sweet and somewhat addictive. However, after gobbling up my second slice of the cookie, I found myself in desperate need of a glass of milk. The Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie is extremely dense, and will potentially clump in the back of your throat when consumed devoid of cow-juice.

I also found myself in desperate need of a copy of Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies. Upon reading the nutrition facts on the Papa John’s website, I was shocked to discover that a single portion of the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie contains 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 22 percent of the daily value. By eating two-and-a-half slices, I consumed more than half of the recommended amount of saturated fat. And that doesn’t include the pizza I ate beforehand.

As a strapping and chiseled young buck, I have to watch my figure. If I’m not careful, all of those lipids could go straight to my thighs. Then, much like Shakira, my hips won’t lie. They’ll tell the complete and unadulterated truth — that I’m a lazy, overweight American whose diet consists mostly of jelly donuts and Cheetos.

Papa John’s new Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie was a tasty treat, but I can’t see myself purchasing this cookie again in the future, especially after seeing the nutrition facts. In addition, the portion seems rather small for a price tag of five or six dollars. I could easily eat this entire tray by myself on a Friday night, slumped on the sofa while watching the movie Mannequin. (I don’t care what you think. It’s a good movie.)

If I’m looking to experience a gigantic chocolate chip cookie, I’ll gladly buy a package of Toll House cookie dough and mush it all together into one giant cookie. After all, it would taste pretty much the same as the Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie.

If you really must, be sure to try out the Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie while the five dollar promotion is still in effect. Grab your wallets, cookieholics.

I’m looking at you, Cookie Monster.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Slice (39 grams) – 195 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 13 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Papa John’s Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie
Purchased Price: $5.00
Size: 1 cookie (8 slices)
Purchased at: Papa John’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Warm, gooey, and soft. Slightly crispy edges. Ambassador Pop N. Fresh.
Cons: Extremely dense. Ridiculously fatty. Seems overpriced. Kindergarteners with salmonellosis.