I love Halloween, but it stresses me out. Most people get apprehensive about Thanksgiving and all the year-end religious holidays because they often involve family and gift-giving.

I get stressed out by Halloween because it ushers in that massive three-month-long wave of seasonal goodies that are only available FOR A LIMITED TIME – so already I’m rushing around frantically trying to grab them before they’re gone.

To make matters worse, October and November specialize in one particular ingredient that can be found in just about everything you can buy: Cookies, crackers, potato chips, drinks, ice cream, nuts, pastries, popcorn, waffles, yogurt, condiments, bread, hand soap, and even air freshener. It’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, except instead of pod people, it’s pumpkin spice! I call it THE PUMPKINING. And as a sucker for seasonal gourds, I fall for it every time. (Get it? Fall? Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Tip your servers!)

McDonald’s is no stranger to THE PUMPKINING, having already introduced a most reasonable pumpkin pie a few years ago. But it never offered the second most reasonable pumpkin venture to go along with that pastry –- a pumpkin-flavored hot drink.

So that’s why I got really excited when I saw McDonald’s had introduced its own pumpkin-flavored coffee for the season — the McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Wondering what exactly constitutes “pumpkin spice?” Nutmeg? Vanilla? Cinnamon? All of the above?

In the case of McDonalds’ new McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte, it seems to be 1) cinnamon, 2) vanilla, and 3) a metric shit-ton of sweet flavored powder. Seriously, it’s like 70 percent sugar, 20 percent milk, and 10 percent espresso. It was like getting punched in the mouth by a “pumpkin.” And yes, I used those quotation marks on purpose. This isn’t how real pumpkin tastes… and having been a connoisseur of pumpkin pie for decades, I also feel this isn’t how real pumpkin pie tastes, either.

I was unable to verify whether this latte came straight from a powder mix, but it reminded me of the flavored instant coffee I would buy from QuikTrip back in the ‘90s. And that stuff was so full of sugar it might as well have come with a free blood sugar meter and a warning label with Wilfred Brimley’s face on it.

The McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte was so sweet that you didn’t need to add sweetener. That’s probably why it doesn’t come with whipped cream. If there had been, I’d surely be writing this review with the help of an intelligent machine transcribing my subconscious thoughts from deep within my diabetic coma.

I tried both the hot and iced versions, mostly by accident. During my first visit to my local McDonald’s, I was forced to order my McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte with ice because (quote) “The hot machine [was] out of order.” No biggie. Here in Southern California, it’s still 80 degrees and may quite possibly stay that way until January, so a frosty drink is A-OK.

Later, I got the hot version, and my taste buds were met by the familiar creamy sweetness and a thick, slightly grainy texture that was vaguely reminiscent of hot chocolate mix. It was all right. While, I can’t exactly say I hated my iced Pumpkin Spice Latte in comparison to the hot one, I would say it wasn’t really refreshing. The iced Pumpkin Spice Latte was creamy and cold and full of sweetness, but after a few minutes, the milk, the sugar, and the caffeine starting swirling together into a maelstrom of nausea, and I began to seriously reconsider my life choices.

Was all this barfy agita worth it? Well, the price is good, especially when compared to the $3.95 price tag of a 12-ounce Starbucks Pumpkin Latte. With the change I’d spare, I could afford to go full-throttle and load up on all the pumpkin English muffins, pumpkin yogurt, and pumpkin-scented shampoo that will hang around until Thanksgiving only to be swiftly replaced by Peppermint- and Snowman-flavored everything.

I’ll call that THE DECEMBERING.

(Nutrition Facts – Small size (12 fluid ounces) – With Whole Milk – 270 calories, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 39 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein. With Nonfat Milk – 200 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 39 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s McCafé Pumpkin Spice Latte
Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Small (12 oz.)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: THE PUMPKINING. Does not skimp on sweetness. Competitive price. Seasonal gourds.
Cons: Getting punched in the mouth. Diabeetus. Slightly grainy mixed powder texture. “Pumpkin” flavor.

In the year 49 B.C., Gaius Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon River with Legio XXX in the first dice throw of the Roman Civil War. During the next year and a half, he and his soldiers would march all over Italy, Spain, and Greece in pursuit of his rival, Pompey. It was an arduous campaign, but eventually Caesar and his legion won out, long credited by historians at having maintained their stamina through nothing more than anchovies pulled from the Rubicon, greens picked from the fields, and stale bread donated by sympathetic but frugal bakers throughout the continent. To this day, we commemorate these events with a salad in Caesar’s honor.

Okay, so that’s not exactly how the Caesar salad first went down, but it’s a lot more interesting than the crap I read on Wikipedia. I guess it’s fitting. The Caesar salad has never been the most compelling thing on the menu, especially at fast food restaurants. It’s that ubiquitous item that’s always just there, although nobody exactly knows why. Who knows? Maybe there’s some kind of law to make sure Italian flavors are given a spot on the menu board, but the point is that the Caesar salad has been in need of a makeover for a while now.

And just short of Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, who does the best makeovers? That’s right, Ronald McDonald himself.

You won’t find the Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap on the McDonald’s website, but the new flavor variation joins the Sweet Chili Chicken, Chicken and Bacon, and Chicken and Ranch Premium McWraps. Among other things, this means it comes in a convenient lightsaber-like receptacle, which may or may not interest you for Halloween costume purposes.

Anyways, the new McWrap apparently hasn’t gone nationwide yet, but I picked mine up in the Baltimore metro region. Encased in a tomato-basil wrap and featuring Caesar dressing and parmesan cheese shavings, it’s available with either grilled or crispy chicken and, of course, contains more varieties of greens than a Whole Foods salad bar.

The tomato-basil wrap really adds a nice touch that sets it above the other McWrap flavors. True, tomato-basil isn’t very traditional for a Caesar salad, but I have to think it’s still preferable to eating a stale, oversized crouton that’s been unnaturally contorted into a wrap. In any event, the wrap has a subtle and earthy sweetness about it, with an exceptionally moist texture that does a superb job of binding all the flavors together.

Actually, it does a little too good of a job binding ingredients together, with my one complaint being that the wrap has a tendency to get stuck on the roof of your mouth. I can imagine this being quite the more obnoxious if you also happen to be eating French fries, but thankfully a large soda helped my tongue lasso the sticky wrap chunks away from the roof of my mouth. Yes, I did just write, “sticky wrap chunks.”

The interior of the wrap was for the most part enjoyable. A single tomato added some crunch and brightness, while I was able to pick up on the black pepper, garlic, and unmistakably umami undertones of the Caesar dressing. I also liked the sharp and pungent aftertaste of the parmesan cheese, which was slightly melted in the radiant heat of the chicken. No, this is not the authentically nutty and meaty-sweet Parmigiano-Reggiano that’s ideally grated over a Caesar salad like the winter’s first snow, but it’s a nice break from the proverbial strings of waxy cheddar cheese thrown into most fast food wraps.

Sounds like a real winner, right? Well, not quite. While good, the dressing and cheese just aren’t plentiful enough, and specifically they aren’t plentiful enough in proportion to the amount of foliage within the wrap. Speaking of foliage, the greens didn’t pack the crunch a usual Caesar salad gets from the interior leaves of romaine. Already down croutons, a more than token tomato was necessary for some textural contrast.

Another problem I experienced was that the flavors of the dressing and cheese failed to permeate the meat. So even though the chicken was juicy, it tasted of a generic grill flavor. Because of this, eating through the center portion of my wrap tasted too much of lettuce and slightly bland chicken.

Is the Caesar Chicken Premium McWrap the makeover that fast food Caesar salads have long needed? It’s a good start, but it’s not quite hitting it out of the park. While the new flavor wins with the tomato-basil wrap, the strength of its starring ingredients (the dressing and the parmesan cheese) don’t stand out enough and aren’t applied liberally enough to make up for several bland bites. Like the true story behind the Caesar salad’s origins, the McWrap’s taste isn’t as interesting as you’d really like it to be, and not quite befitting of the real Caesar.

(Nutrition Facts – 440 calories in the grilled version, according to the McDonald’s menu board. Full nutritional information unavailable.)

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap (Grilled)
Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Moist and yummy tomato-basil wrap. Juicy grilled chicken. Surprisingly sophisticated Caesar dressing. Not having to buy a lightsaber holder for my Halloween costume.
Cons: Revisionist history. Parmesan cheese lacks the sophistication of true Parmigiano-Reggiano. Chicken has a somewhat slimy coating. Not enough dressing in the interior of the wrap. Greens dilute overall taste.