QUICK REVIEW: Panda Express Honey Sesame Chicken Breast

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Panda Express Honey Sesame Chicken Breast

Purchased Price: $7.89 (2-entree meal)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice mild, sweet honey flavor with a little bit of sesame. Crispy exterior on the chicken breast strips. Great replacement if they’ve run out of Orange Chicken or Sweetfire Chicken Breast, or if you’re sick of Orange Chicken or Sweetfire Chicken Breast. Not as cloying as Orange Chicken.
Cons: The vegetables weaken the flavor of the entree; the sauce’s flavor doesn’t seem to stick to the vegetables. Some of the chicken breast strips were too thin and the chicken in them were dried out. Yellow bell pepper were probably included for their color. I thought the string beans were asparagus.

Nutrition Facts: 5.3 oz – 420 calories 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Burger King Satisfries

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Burger King Satisfries

I have to admit “Satisfries” is a very clever name for Burger King’s latest addition to their sides menu. Or perhaps I should say its name gratifries my wordplay bone. Yes, I could fill this review with words that end with -fries, but the thought of that probably horrifries many. So this sentence signifries the end of me using anymore words I’ve made up using the suffix -fries.

Burger King’s Satisfries look like your typical crinkle-cut fries, but it’s what you don’t see that’s being promoted heavily by the fast food company. According to Burger King’s website in a big, bold font, Satisfries have 40 percent less fat and 30 percent less calories than McDonald’s fries. They also have 20 percent less calories and 25 percent less fat than Burger King’s classic fries, even though they’re cooked in the same fryers, same oil, for the same amount of time as the non-crinkled fries.

So what fast food magic allows Satisfries to have less fat and calories? According to Burger King, these new fries use a less porous batter to keep out more oil during cooking. So how are these crinkle-cut fries that sound like they’ve been through a culinary Oxy acne treatment?

I like them. In fact, I like them more than BK’s classic fries. Although, to be honest, I don’t think too highly of them.

Burger King Satisfries Innards

They have a better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries and because they’re thicker there’s a lot of hot and fluffy goodness inside. It’s almost as if they’ve been stuffed with mashed potatoes. Satisfries go great with ketchup (and Burger King’s Zesty sauce) and have a pleasant crisp exterior, however I think BK’s classic fries are crispier and salted better. The first few Satisfries I ate were salted well, but as I made my way through the sleeve, they seemed to be less salty.

However, while Satisfries have significantly less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries, I don’t think they have the flavor to make my taste buds crave them instead of McDonald’s starchy offering. They taste too similar to the frozen crinkle-cut fries I can prepare in my oven.

Burger King Satisfries Classic Fries

You also have to pay a premium for them. They’re 10 to 30 cents more expensive than Burger King’s classic fries and there’s an upcharge if you want them with your value meal.

Personally, I think Burger King should make their Satisfries the same price as their classic fries and then have the two battle it out for the hearts and wallets of consumers. The product that sells better wins and becomes Burger King’s only fries and the loser is banished from the fast food world and promises to never return, not even for a limited time, joining Burger King’s pre-2011 fries and The King mascot.

I hope Burger King’s Satisfries sell well and takes its rightful place as the fast food chain’s default fries. They’re better tasting, better for you, and have a better name than their classic fries. Also, having two different fries on the menu that have almost the same flavor profile stupefries me.

Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

(Nutrition Facts – medium size – 340 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Satisfries
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries. Clever name. Less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries and BK’s classic fries. Hot and fluffy innards. Crispy exterior. Not using diversifries, exemplifries, and identifries in this review.
Cons: Pricier than Burger King’s classic fries. Not as crispy and salty as BK’s classic fries. Still not as good as McDonald’s fries. Autocorrect correcting every attempt to type Satisfries.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich

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Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich

Every few months or so, some poor “high-end” food product makes the jump from pretentious to a diluted all-audience nature. It gets filtered through a wood chipper and then a toilet so in the end it no longer resembles the actual item. All this for the sake of mass consumption. Therefore, not only does it lose its pompous aura (which is fine by me), but its unique characteristics as well (which is not okay at all).

Remember Wendy’s bragging about its fries being sprinkled with sea salt? Give me a break if you’re expecting it to be the actual harvested finishing salts chefs preen about.

Kobe beef, with its already dubious nature in what can actually be called Kobe, is another victim. Kobe hot dogs? Kobe hamburgers? My eyes rolled so much that you would swear I had two lazy eyes or was the inspiration for the guy that graces each Mad Libs cover.

Another example is Kobe beef’s less-complicated, but just as maligned, American cousin, the Angus. This poor bastard is being passed around faster than a cotton towel at an orgy. I’m guessing the “certification” for Angus beef is low enough that even Stephen Hawking can jump over it. Okay, that’s a tasteless cheap shot that’s just as tasteless as the Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted.

I commend Dunkin’ Donuts for attempting to separate itself from the pack by using Texas Toast for its sandwiches. The thick bread borders on overindulgence, but is perfect for capturing runny eggs and butter. Some people prefer wheat or pumpernickel, I lust after Texas Toast.

I mean c’mon!!! It’s Texas Toast, steak, eggs and cheese. You know what’s better than sliced bread? Sliced bread with beef, cheese and egg in between it. So what can go wrong? Apparently, if you make a living primarily selling donuts, then a hell of a lot.

Look, I’m a big fan of their Texas Toast Grilled Cheese. Its buttery and flaky toast and melted cheese makes me act like those monkeys in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich Angus

But stupid me because I was expecting the same from this new sandwich. I opened it immediately to look at this “Angus” steak and it had the natural color of a cadaver stuffed under a house because he didn’t pay his bets on time. It was charmingly grayish and resembled an unsauced Salisbury meatloaf concoction served at all the finest detention centers.

The steak also had an overwhelming artificial smokey taste. The texture itself was flaccid and rubbery, two things I don’t want my meat to feel like. The worst part? The beef was chewy. Not Mentos candy-chewy, but chewy like the bits resting on the bottom of a beef jerky pouch.

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich Split

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich Egg

The toast had the dampness of a basement, but it was sufficiently buttered. The two eggs only helped in taking your hopes, smashing them, and then pissing on the remains. The eggs were laughably fake looking, like a Fisher Price plastic fried egg toy. Another thing, it had an unnatural powdery texture and lacked any of the richness an egg normally has. It was also mealy and it disintegrated in my mouth into a sandy mush.

Most things can be saved by melted cheese since it provides an extra boost of flavor and texture, which was sorely missing in this sandwich. Unfortunately, there was so little cheese, all I could taste was fake smoke and a bland egg that broke apart into grainy beads in my mouth. It was like a bad French kiss between bread.

I’ve eaten the McDonald’s Angus burgers, so I know fast food “Angus” can be achieved with some success. But it’s as if Dunkin’ Donuts is the fat kid in gym class looking at the rope their meathead teacher is telling them to climb.

Finally, what really kicked me in the balls was the price — $4.29. I haven’t felt this ripped off since I was conned into buying Viagra from Mexico.

(Nutrition Facts – 620 calories, 34 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 180 milligrams of cholesterol, 1290 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Texas Toast. Having the option to buy a donut instead. 2001: A Space Odyssey. Sufficiently buttered toast. Soft drinks from Mexico.
Cons: Texas Toast. Artificial smoke flavor. Rubbery grey beef. 2010: The Year We Make Contact. The powdery egg that looks fake. Small amount of cheese. Pharmaceuticals from Mexico.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut

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Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut

If I were to brainstorm the myriad amount of ways in which an autumnal delicacy like pumpkin pie could be improved upon, I’m fairly certain deep-frying it would be at the top of the list.

Luckily, Dunkin’ Donuts is saving me from the prospect of attempting such an endeavor in the privacy, but not-completely-covered-by-insurance confines, of my own kitchen by introducing a new Pumpkin Pie Donut as part of their seasonal fall menu. Unlike the classic pumpkin cake donuts, which every grocery store in America features this time of year, the new Pumpkin Pie Donut features a “pumpkin pie flavored, buttercreme-filled yeast shell” that’s topped with white icing and graham cracker crumbles. And because it’s a donut, it is of course caressed by the loving embrace of hot fryer oil.

I tend to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of Dunkin’ Donuts products, although I’ve often found their donuts to be on the small side. This donut is no exception, although I suppose my arteries would appreciate not being subjected to an actual fried pumpkin pie, and instead getting off for a more “modest” 380 calorie donut. In any event, an initial bite of the edges of the donut leaves a lot to be desired; namely in the whole pumpkin pie department.

Perhaps my donut had the unfortunate luck of sitting around in the store for too long, or perhaps I tend to hold my yeast-raised donuts to higher than mass-produced standards, but the plain shell lacked the airy spring of a really good yeast donut, and tasted only of that characteristic dough and nutmeg aftertaste that’s present in most of Dunkin’s donuts.

But who are we kidding? Obviously there’s no reason just to nibble around the yeast shell, no more so than there’s reason to just nibble on the crust of an actual pumpkin pie. We bite into donuts and pies, and what’s the first thing most of us chomp through when it comes to actual pumpkin pie? The whipped cream, of course.

Dunkin’s white icing might share a similar color with the traditional and sweet accouterment to pie, but that’s about all they share. Cloyingly sweet and unnaturally hardened, the icing might work on a sugar cookie, but here the glycerol flavor overpowers and clashes with the doughy interior and buttercreme filling. The graham cracker crumbs were thankfully crunchy and plentiful, but they lacked a distinct cinnamon flavor and instead tasted too much like a boring old frozen pie crust.

Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut Inside

The only authentic pumpkin flavor comes from the buttercreme filling. While it’s filled with plenty of questionable ingredients that might not make their way into a traditional buttercream (nothing says homemade like Yellow 5 and Guar Gum!), the faux buttercreme has a delightful pumpkin flavor complete with all those sweet warming spices like cinnamon and ginger. The only problem is that the texture, which dissolves on the tongue like the way Cool Whip would do, is unfulfilling. Speaking of filling or lack thereof, my completely trigonometric challenged eyes estimated the creme only took up about a third of the volume within the shell. That’s like a pie that’s two-thirds crust and only a third filling!

Dunkin’ Donuts had a real opportunity to add to their pumpkin-flavored product line with this donut, but they screwed it up. Maybe they didn’t screw it up as bad as me trying to create a fried pumpkin pie by dropping a frozen Marie Callender’s pie into a Dutch oven of boiling shortening, but definitely to the point of making a donut not worth buying again.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

*Made with partially hydrogenated oil.

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Aesthetically pleasing. Authentic pumpkin flavor in the “buttercreme.” Only a dollar. Not having to attempt to fry a frozen pumpkin pie and burn my home down.
Cons: Cloying white icing that tastes like some chemical I can’t pronounce. Dense and tasteless shell. Graham cracker crumbles lack cinnamon flavor. Poor interior coverage of buttercreme filling. Attempting to apply mathematical concepts to donut fillings.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Mighty Wings

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McDonald's Mighty Wings

I’m not a big fan of eating messy foods, like ribs, because my OCD starts whispering in my head, “Hey! You have sauce on your fingers…grease too. Also, those napkins are getting sticky. You can wipe your face and hands with a wet-nap but it’s still there. Keep wiping. You’ll never get rid of the smell.”

Agggggh, shut the hell up!!!

However, it’s a different story with breaded chicken wings. I dislike naked wings because I love how the breading soaks up whatever sauce it’s engulfed in, but maintains a little crispy give that satiates that “bite-down” rush. Greasy, fried chicken-smelling fingers be damned! I’ll tear into drumsticks and wings like any of the undead in the now over-exposed zombie genre. It’s a guilty pleasure and I prefer to eat them in the privacy of my home and away from company…even my wife.

So when I heard McDonald’s was going to sell (for a limited time) chicken wings under the idiotic name, Mighty Wing, I was skeptical. The name reminds me of The Mighty Ducks or Mighty Joe Young. Anything named “mighty” is sure to disappoint, right? (Except Mighty Mouse.)

Oh, how wrong I was. McDonald’s plan sounds shaky at first; they sell burgers, not chicken wings. Yet, I also thought about the midnight fast food binges most of us have experienced, and sometimes you just want damn hot wings. Besides, how many burritos or Krystal burgers can you eat after midnight before it becomes boring? And haven’t you always wanted McDonald’s fries with some hot wings? It can’t just be me.

McDonald's Mighty Wings Bone-In Chicken

McDonald’s touts on their box, “It’s Time for Bone-In Chicken.” That’s weird and sounds pseudosexual in an awful way. However, the box also sternly warns, “Spicy. Bold. Delicious.”

McDonald’s delivered on its triple threat.

I opted for the 5-piece because an order of ten only tips the guilty pleasure/gluttony scale. As for the order of 3-pieces, that is a blatant lie to yourself and everyone you love.

Due to my wife’s wheat allergy, I knew the fries were deep fried in its own vat. This is great because fried foods that smell and taste alike are a pet peeve of mine. Don’t believe me? Next time order fish and chips at some seedy place and note how smell and taste almost the same. I was happy, but not surprised, that only the scent of fried chicken wafted out of the bag.

It was a long ten minute drive back to the house and the box was still hot. I don’t think McDonald’s is given enough recognition for their packaging. Seldom, except for the fries, do I get anything from McDonald’s that is not warm when I get home. This box of poultry extremities is a testament.

McDonald's Mighty Wings Meat

On my first bite, the chicken’s coating was satisfyingly crispy which then gave way to a moistness in the meat that can only be achieved through a deep fryer with perfectly scalding, clean oil or magic farts from a dragon. I’m going with magical farts because I cannot stress how perfectly fried these wings were and I do not believe any human could have done these.

The other thing noticeable on the first bite was the spicy heat that sauntered in smoothly (but that may also be from magic dragon farts too). I could tell the grease from the wings were sufficiently drained because there was little oily residue on my fingers. The breading was in the “Goldilocks” zone, where it was thick enough to give your canines that pleasurable and violent passion of tearing into it. Too many times breaded wings are so over coated: I just taste fried, floury breading, which sucks.

I could also taste the characteristics of black pepper from the paprika. However, unlike black pepper that mildly fades away like the credibility of those late night ads that promise to make your dong super large, the paprika’s heat confidently hangs on with each bite. The hints of onion and garlic lend a slightly sweet taste, but it’s quickly punched in the face by the intoxicating salty and spicy concerto that barrages your mouth.

Like a bookend, the last thing I tasted was the previously mentioned spiciness. I was impressed the peppery heat stayed well after I devoured the wings. While I normally eat hot wings that make you poop lava, and these Mighty Wings don’t get near that level, I was surprised by their heat.

McDonald's Mighty Wings Closeup

One gripe I had was the wing-to-drumstick ratio. In a perfect world where magic dragon farts and penis enlarging pills exist, it would be all drumsticks but I got only two drums and three wings. Another gripe was not being asked for any a choice of sauce and given two Tangy Barbecue containers like they were default prizes. Maybe it was just this particular McDonald’s, but a cold creamy ranch would’ve make this perfect.

This last gripe isn’t really an issue for me, but it may be one for you. Paying $4.99 for five wings is a tad steep when you compare it with Buffalo Wild Wings or any other places that makes its name on wings and beer. I’ll pay for the convenience of ordering it through a drive-thru speaker because I’m that damned lazy. So you’ll have to wage for yourself if it’s worth paying for. I’ll be honest, if I was eating this inside a McDonald’s, I’m not sure I would drop five dollars for them. However, they are so good, I just may.

Although chicken wings are common, it’s rare that wings are done so well. More often than not, they are overfried until they are dry like the scabs on your knee you are told not to pick. Worse, some are drowned in thick and viscous sauces. McDonald’s does a great job with their Mighty Wings and delivers on the spicy, the bold, and the delicious.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces – 480 calories, 31 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1450 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Mighty Wings
Purchased Price: $4.99 (5-piece)
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Perfectly breaded. The spice packs a punch. The chicken was moist. You can now have wings with a Quarter Pounder and fries. The heat stays around. Magic Dragon farts.
Cons: It’s only a limited affair. When your OCD is mind-effing you. Zombie genre is more over-exposed than twerking. Kinda pricey. Wing to drum ratio is a tad disappointing. The term “bone-in” is stupid.