REVIEW: McDonald’s BLT Quarter Pounder

McDonald's BLT Quarter Pounder

Below are descriptions of three different McDonald’s Quarter Pounder varieties:

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon, ketchup and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, ripe tomato, leaf lettuce, mayo and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon, ripe tomato, leaf lettuce, mayo and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

Now that you’ve read them, cover the descriptions with your hand and then guess which one is for McDonald’s Deluxe Quarter Pounder, Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounder, and new BLT Quarter Pounder.

Go on. Humor me. The answers are at the bottom of this post.

Didn’t get them correct? Don’t feel bad. The differences between the three are slight. It’s as if McDonald’s cross-pollinated their Deluxe Quarter Pounder with their Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounder to make the BLT version. Or perhaps a better way to explain the BLT Quarter Pounder is to say it’s what you’d probably get if the person making your burger got confused between the Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese and ended up making it wrong.

McDonald's BLT Quarter Pounder Split

The BLT Quarter Pounder is an uninspired burger, but it is satisfying. Because it’s topped with almost every vegetable and condiment a McDonald’s crew member can get his or her gloved hands on, it has a wide variety of flavors. There’s the seasoned beef patty, the salty slices of somewhat crispy bacon, the creamy mayonnaise, the bite of the pickles, the savory cheese, and, at times, thanks to the improved Applewood bacon, the burger tastes like a BLT sandwich. However, with so many ingredients, some of them got lost.

The amount of mustard in the two sandwiches I ate was a bit pitiful. Peeling back the bun, there was a lot more mayonnaise than mustard, and it looked like someone was trying to write their name in the snow with their pee. To be honest, I don’t understand why mustard is included. Because I’m pretty sure BLT sandwiches don’t come with mustard. And the same can be said about the pickles and onions. Speaking of the crispy red onions, which I’ve always thought were more pungent than white onions, they were as low-key as the green lettuce and tomato slice.

Now let me take a moment to complain about the “bakery-style bun.” It’s toasted and a decent vehicle for all the meat, vegetables, and condiments. However, I don’t like those thingies on top of the bun. They tend to fall off easily, leaving a mess. It’s messier than McDonald’s sesame seed bun.

Much like the Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounders, there isn’t anything that screams “LOOK AT MEEE!!!” about the BLT Quarter Pounder. It’s basically a bacon deluxe cheeseburger. However, it’s a decent burger with good flavor, and if you enjoyed the other varieties you’ll probably like this one too. But your taste buds will probably think, “Yeah, we’ve had this before.”

(Nutrition Facts – 640 calories, 310 calories from fat, 35 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1360 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 37 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s BLT Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.99*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Great, if you love bacon deluxe cheeseburgers. At times, it tastes like a BLT sandwich. The bacon. Green lettuce (not the pale stuff on Big Macs). Making readers do weird things in front of a screen.
Cons: An uninspired burger. With so many ingredients, some of them get lost. Too similar to other Quarter Pounder varieties. The thingies on top of the bun make a mess. Red onions and mustard didn’t add anything.

*because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean I probably pay more than you do.

Answers: Bacon & Cheese, Deluxe, and BLT.

REVIEW: Burger King French Fry Burger

Burger King French Fry Burger

Remember when Burger King’s slogan was, “Have it your way”?

I do. Actually, I’ll never forget because it’s tattooed on my mind. And that mind tattoo is burned in a dark part of my head where evil thoughts roam, revenge run free, and horrible pop song lyrics hibernate until they decide to pop into my consciousness at odd times. Anger is what prevents the slogan from moving into the pop culture ether in another part of my head.

The slogan has been there for many years because I could not get a Whopper made my way. All I wanted was some French fries on my Whopper, but the cashier said I couldn’t do that. And the manager who was listening to our conversation also said I couldn’t do that. Blurting out their slogan over and over again using various tones probably didn’t help. Although, now that I think about it, I was kind of being a prick by testing the system.

Epiphany!

Catharsis!

Anger released!

Ohhhh. “Have it your way” moving to the pop culture ether in another area of my mind, where it’ll float with other useless information that will come in handy during trivia or while doing icebreaker worksheets.

Burger King French Fry Burger Innards

While it may not be a Whopper topped with French fries, the Burger King French Fry Burger comes pretty close. It’s topped with a fire-grilled beef patty, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup, and, of course, French fries. Because the French Fry Burger is a value menu item, don’t expect a pile of fries. Actually, don’t expect any particular number of fries because it seems to vary. I ordered two of them and both came with three fries. Our friends over at Grub Grade had one with four fries and Man Reviews Food received one with six fries.

(Note: Let us know in the comments how many fries were in your Burger King French Fry Burger.)

The sandwich has that signature Burger King beef flavor that comes with every Whopper…and every burp after eating a Whopper. With both burgers I purchased, the mayo to ketchup ratio significantly leaned more towards the former. I was hoping there would be more ketchup, since, you know, ketchup and fries go together like suits and ties; clouds and skies; and poop and flies.

If you order through the drive-thru or get your food to go, there’s a 100 percent chance the fries in the sandwich will be soggy by the time you wrap your mouth around it. But when you do get around to eating it, the fries will provide a noticeable fluffy starchiness that no sesame seed bun could provide. However, what isn’t noticeable is a potato flavor, which seems to get lost between the gloops of mayonnaise and ketchup. Perhaps six fries might’ve helped with that.

Overall, I think the French Fry Burger is tasty, but its nonexistent French fry flavor makes it tastes too similar to a Whopper. To me, the only appeal of Burger King’s French Fry Burger is the fact it’s only a dollar (or $1.19 here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean). Its cheap price probably makes it taste better than the fries do.

(Nutrition Facts – 360 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King French Fry Burger
Purchased Price: $1.19*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only a dollar at most Burger King locations. A tasty, cheap sandwich. Something to buy when I don’t feel like eating a McDonald’s McDouble. Letting go of anger.
Cons: The three fries in each of my burgers didn’t provide a noticeable potato flavor. Inconsistent number of fries among fast food bloggers. If you order it to go, there’s a good chance the fries will be soggy. Tastes too much like a Whopper. Muttering “Have it your way” in my sleep. Whopper burps.

*because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we sometimes pay more for things.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Smothered Burrito

Taco Bell Smothered Burrito

Certain words repulse me and “smothered” is one of them. There’s pork chops smothered with onions; a mother smothering her child with kisses before she heads to school; a needy boyfriend who smothers his girlfriend; John smothers his father with a pillow so he can inherit the business…and now, Taco Bell’s Smothered Burrito. I don’t care how you use the word “smothered”, I hate the word.

Why couldn’t the product developers use Taco Bell-speak and call it a Mega-drencharrito or Hurricanarito complete with a limited edition Storm Surge High Pressure Front (or whatever they are calling it now) Mountain Dew? Ah but what do I know? I’m just a jerk who can scrawl a few words together.

I feel sorry for Taco Bell. With fast food being caught in the pretzel roll rage, what can they do to make their mark? And no, I doubt anyone is clamoring for a pretzel shell taco. Taco Bell’s solution is to take a burrito and drown it in delicious condiments as if it were on trial during the Salem witch hunts. Mmmmm….Salem witch hunts.

The burrito looks like a normal sized burrito which is relative depending who in the back makes it. I’ve had large ones, small ones and some that look like a malformed tumor. For arguments sake, let’s pretend it was a normal burrito we all picture in our minds.

Also, you get a choice of shredded chicken, seasoned beef or marinated thick cut steak. For whatever reason, the official website is really pushing the shredded chicken. I chose the seasoned beef because chicken is blandly ubiquitous and their steak makes me want to cry and punch golden retriever puppies in the face (not really but you get the point). You also get a plastic fork and napkins because you’re going to need them.

Initially, I was a bit queasy when I opened the lid because the scent combination of warm dairy from the sour cream and the vinegar’s acidic notes have the faint essence of vomit. It gets better, trust me. Way better.

The appearance reminded me of those 1970’s suburban mom casseroles that scream “It’s Mexican Night!!!” for dinner. A generous amount of cheese is dumped (not sprinkled) all over. Then to add a dash of faux-fancy, low fat sour cream is zig-zagged on top.

Secret: I’ll always love you Taco Bell but you’ll never be fancy to me. That’s why I love you.

Finally, the burrito sits in a well of the trademark tangy Taco Bell red sauce like a victim in a Brian De Palma movie.

Taco Bell Smothered Burrito Innards

The wet burrito (Wet-rrito) tastes so much better than it smells. Don’t worry, when you first cut into those layers of the burrito, the smell dissipates because that beef just overtakes it and whispers, “This is gonna be delicious.” It’s like bourbon, you just have to power through the oaky and woodsy notes some find unpleasant.

The first thing to hit my taste buds was the vinegary red sauce but it gives way to the rich beef and the smokiness of the creamy chipotle sauce. In addition, the Latin rice and beans add an earthy tone that’s needed to ground the deep flavors (Flavo-rrito!).

I don’t know what makes the rice Latin, but I’m not sure what any item in Taco Bell makes it Latin either. Who cares because the sauce the burrito is washed in tastes so good, it just lingers in the back of your throat well after you swallowed each bite. The burrito is complex in flavors, hefty, and has a dense texture.

Taco Bell Smothered Burrito Closeup

But lest I forget, the melted cheese and the colder (not cold) creamy trails of sour cream really bring it all together. The cheese was actually stringy and had weight we are not normally accustomed to with Taco Bell’s melted cheeses (Melta-rrito!).

I’m aware it’s Taco Bell, but this burrito reminded me of honest home cooking. I was really shocked by how good it was. You know when you have to pee so badly and when you finally do, there’s that tingle that hits your tailbone? What I experienced with this burrito was the gastronomic equivalent sensation.

The only negative I can think of, besides the initial smell, is the strong vinegar lick of the red sauce. I loved it, but I’m the type that would drink Tabasco straight. Yet, I’m aware that the average person doesn’t have a strong penchant for it like I do. Oh, and if you’re health conscious (and why are you eating at Taco bell?), you may be floored that the sodium level is a gigantic 2,260 milligrams (Sodium-rrito!)

In the end, all we want is something that tastes good regardless of what it’s called. Taco Bell has achieved this. As much as I cannot stomach the word “smothered,” I’ll eat the hell out of a Taco Bell Smothered Burrito again.

(Nutritional facts – 710 calories, 35 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 75 mg of cholesterol, 2260 mg of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugars, and 28 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Smothered Burrito reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food

Item: Taco Bell Smothered Burrito
Purchased Price: $3.19
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The red sauce, the melted cheese was stringy, the rich beef and the red sauce again. The texture of the burrito. The feeling when you finally go pee. The zig zags of sour cream. The earthy heady beans. Brian De Palma’s Mission: Impossible.
Cons: The initial smell of the burrito when you open the lid. Salem Witch Hunts. The red sauce may be too vinegary for some. The word “smothered.” Colossal sodium amount. Brian De Palma’s Mission to Mars.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme

Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Taco

Nostalgia is a fascinating emotion.

It leads some of us on online quests to acquire Sega Genesis smash hits, like Earthworm Jim, for the sole intention of casually displaying the game cartridge on our office shelves. And it convinces others to sign up for adult recreational kickball leagues in vain attempts to recapture that 7th grade playground glory. It also causes us to be looser with our wallets than the belt we wore on those baggy pants we made our moms buy for us at the Gap in 1995.

I probably shouldn’t be so cynical, but you’d have a hard time convincing me nostalgia didn’t play a major role in the success of Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Tacos Locos. I mean really; who among us didn’t pack a bag of Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Doritos in our lunchboxes back in the day (besides kids with hippy parents)? Those crunchy, chemically perfected bombs of MSG and spices delivered the escape from the trials and tribulations of stupid stuff like long division and fractions. We totally had it made.

No wonder we all jumped at the idea of our favorite childhood chips becoming tacos.

The only problem was that for many of us, myself included, it felt like something was missing in the hugely popular Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos. It’s not that they were bad – heck, they were by all accounts pretty damn tasty – but there was just something missing from both flavors that made us wonder why our favorite chips didn’t translate into our favorite fast food tacos.

Enter the third phase of the Doritos Locos Taco rollout.

Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Taco 2

Inspired by the Flamas Doritos chips, the new Fiery Locos Taco hasn’t quite generated the pre-release fanfare of its more iconic big brothers. Since I live in a region of the country deemed to have a sizable enough gringo demographic as to not be attracted to anything remotely spicy, my access to bags of Doritos Flamas have been few and far between. From the few times I’ve had them I remember a deceptively spicy heat at the end and an odd lime flavor. Not odd as in it tasted like Sprite or something, but odd as in, “Hey, I’m a white dude and this is a completely unexpected flavor combination.”

Dare I say, I liked it.

But I didn’t love it. At least, I didn’t love it to the point where I’d consider trading away a turkey sandwich, two packs of Dunkaroos, and those awesome Bachman pretzel packs for a single snack-size bag of the Flamas Doritos, a barter I routinely made at the elementary school lunch table in order to acquire similar bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Knowing I didn’t have an intense feeling of love towards Flamas Doritos, my expectations for the Taco Bello Fiery Locos Tacos were mild. Not lower — ok, yes, to be honest a bit lower — but also, actually, realistic. Taking that into account, I gladly handed over $1.69 for the Supreme version of the taco, hoping the addition of cooling sour cream and bright tomatoes would add just the right counterbalance to what is billed as a spicy, lime-infused taco shell.

Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Taco 3

I started out by taking a few bites of the taco shell on its own, expecting the bright red color to scorch my tongue like a fireball from Super Mario. Oddly enough, it was the taste of the lime that I noticed first, a puckering, moderate acidity which then gave way to a nice, spicy heat at the back end. It’s spicy, but not too hot. And I believe it strikes an acceptable compromise.

Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Taco 4

I wasn’t crazy about the strength of lime flavor, which on its own was too astringent for my taste and, unfortunately, there wasn’t enough yellow corn flavor to balance it out. Fortunately, the lime is greatly reduced when taking a bite of the taco as a whole, with the salty yet slightly sweet ground beef and gloopy, why-are-you-so-yummy sour cream helping to meld all the flavors together.

Unlike some people, I don’t find the shredded, but mild, cheddar cheese to be an afterthought, and in the case of this particular taco, even the slight milky taste came together nicely. What I liked most was the taco’s parting shot — a peppery heat that arises from the ground beef spice flavor, it captures the perfect middle ground between distractingly hot and unacceptably bland.

The new Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos are very good in the Supreme form. Serving as a more spice-intensive canvas that needs only a slathering of Fire Sauce for those looking to scorch their taste buds, it’ll also provide a modest, but definite kick that gives it flavor and personality beyond the simple classifications of “hot” and “not hot.”

(Nutrition Facts – 200 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Perfectly constructed. Ends with surprising but not uncomfortable heat. Lime flavor doesn’t overpower with all the other flavors going on. Gloriously alchemized, highly-seasoned ground beef just works. Fresh veggies. Not getting let down by unrealistic expectations.
Cons: Lime flavor of the shell is too much on its own. Seasoning in the taco shell doesn’t extend all the way to the top. Tomatoes go jumping ship too easily. Always wishing for a little more beef in Taco Bell’s taco. Still waiting for a Jacked Doritos shell with epic crunch.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich

Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich

Jack in the Box’s latest slogan is, “Go Big or Go Hungry.” And they’ve supported it with sandwiches like Jack’s Big Stack and Waffle Stack. The big heads at Jack in the Box also brought back their Really Big Chicken Sandwich and introduced the new BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich.

But I’m a 5’7″ Asian man who once played 3-on-3 basketball with five other guys who were all at least six inches taller than me and six times as skilled as me, so I think I’ve got a good idea of what would be considered “really big.” And I have to say that I don’t believe the Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich is really big.

Now I could spend an entire review complaining about the sandwich’s size, but I already poured a large glass of whine when I reviewed the original Really Big Chicken Sandwich. So what else can I complain about?

I could complain about the use of grilled onions instead of onion rings, the somewhat conservative spreading of BBQ sauce, the decision to use the predictable American cheese, the lack of crunch from the chicken patties, the lack of crispiness from the bacon, the 2,019 milligrams of sodium, and the bun that looks toasted, but doesn’t feel toasted. But instead of listing my complaints in a comma-filled, 57-word sentence, I’m going to say the Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich is really good.

Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich BBQ sauce

What makes this sandwich, as the kids like to say, yummy in my tummy is the BBQ sauce, bacon, and onion combination. After tasting it, I have to say I’m glad onion rings weren’t included because the grilled onions give it an onion flavor that’s not chompblocked by deep fried batter. The BBQ sauce is sweet and tangy, but kind of generic tasting. However, the onions and the smokiness from the bacon enhance the sauce. There’s also enough sauce on the top and bottom buns to give the sandwich flavor, but not so much sauce that you find yourself wanting to celebrate Arbor Day early for all the napkins you used to clean yourself.

Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich Innards

The edges of the chicken patties were crispy, but everything else not so much. The two chicken patties were a bit dry and aren’t very meaty, but they are flavorful. The two slices of cheese seem like overkill. I understand the need for one slice because something should be the glue that keeps the patties from sliding around. But even with the second slice, its flavor is cloaked by the other toppings. A thin slice of cheese also doesn’t help make the sandwich appear “really big.”

Oh crap, I’m complaining about trivial stuff.

Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich Box

Well, before I start complaining about more stuff, I have to say the packaging your BBQ Really Big Sandwich comes in is correct, Jack in the box. Thanks to the BBQ sauce, onions, and bacon, it really is clucking delicious.

(Nutrition Facts – 727 calories, 345 calories from fat, 38 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 83 milligrams of cholesterol, 2019 milligrams of sodium, 502 milligrams of potassium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box BBQ Really Big Chicken Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99 (small combo)*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Clucking delicious. Bacon, BBQ sauce, and onion topping combo makes this sandwich taste really good. Flavorful chicken patties with crispy edges. Part of a cheap limited-time-only combo. Putting the word “clucking” on packaging to replace the word “fucking.”
Cons: Not really really big. Thinking that it needs onion rings. Contains almost a day’s worth of sodium. Other toppings overwhelm the cheese’s flavor. Playing basketball with players who are much better than you.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I pay more for stuff than you probably will.