REVIEW: Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee from Seattle’s Best Coffee

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee

Like many Americans, I consider myself completely incapable of functioning without the glorious benefits of caffeine. I’ll kick around a couple Coke Zeros a day and maybe even an energy drink now and then, but by far, my shaking, yet functioning, hands rely on a strong cup of coffee every morning to get me through the work day.

Being that coffee seems to be one of the few beverages left that science says can actually lengthen my life and not just send me to an early, morbidly obese (if not cancerous) grave, I don’t feel too bad about this otherwise breath-killing addiction.

Embracing this habit, I figure I might as well be drinking something reasonably good and affordable too. I fancy myself something of an everyman when it comes to coffee, mind you, but I do recognize an objective hierarchy in the kinds of roasted beans I want to ingest. And no, I’m not just talking about Jelly Belly Cappuccino jelly beans.

I really don’t think about Burger King when it comes to coffee. At least, I haven’t thought about it much since that one time when I actually had their coffee. Perhaps slightly better than stale DMV coffee but not quite up to the level of West Virginia roadside truckstop brews, Burger King’s previous BK Joe was, at best, a black substance that was (sometimes) hot.

But with the chain deciding to take one step closer towards becoming McDonald’s by ditching its traditional burgers and fries only lineup in place of something bordering on vaguely café-ish, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see if the new Seattle Best Smooth Roast Coffee could take the bitter taste (pun completely and egregiously intended) of my past experience from my mouth.

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee Cup

Seeing that my local Burger King just happens to be right next to my local McDonald’s, I figured a side-by-side comparison was in order. I’ve never been wowed by the “100% Arabica beans” of the Premium Roast from the Golden Arches, but it seems popular enough amongst those who frequent fast food for breakfast.

The first thing I noticed about Burger King’s coffee was, like McDonald’s, the lack of control you have over flavoring. True, ask for a few creamers (thankfully of the real variety) and sweeteners of your choice and each chain is happy to provide them, but when it comes to spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, or vanilla (like Starbucks or Einstein Brothers provides) you’re out of luck. You’re also out of luck for multiple cream/milk options, although I guess you could always purchase a kid’s meal milk separately.

Advantage? It’s a draw, with both chains clearly not catering to the consummate coffee drinker.

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee McDonald's Coffee Lids

While both chains serve iced coffee with a variety of flavors, when it comes to keeping coffee hot, and not just lukewarm, both did the trick. But where McDonald’s coffee was served in a scalding hot manner that left a nasty little burn bump on my upper lip, Burger King’s was just right. It really doesn’t help that the McCafe cups come with an awkward lid that doesn’t funnel hot beverages so much as it releases liquid in the coffee equivalent to a surging river. It’s a point I probably wouldn’t have noticed had it not been for Burger King’s more drinker-friendly lid, which funneled the just-right Smooth Roast Coffee into my sleep deprived system.

Advantage? This one goes to Burger King.

Now, on to flavor. The Seattle’s Best Coffee is indeed smooth, especially when compared to McDonald’s “Premium” McCafe blend. Taking initial sips from each chain’s coffee, I find the McCafe coffee bland, bitter, and a touch watery, with no substantial flavor notes or earthy characteristics. Burger King’s blend is naturally a bit sweeter, slightly nutty, and noticeably less bitter, and has a higher drinkability factor all on its own. I didn’t pick up any of the advertised “chocolaty,” notes, but on its own it came across as sharper and better tasting than McDonald’s blend.

After initially tasting both coffees black, I added the prerequisite cream and sweetener (Splenda). Here again I enjoyed the Seattle Best Coffee more, and felt like the smooth and light flavor complimented the cream better than McDonald’s coffee, which still came off as watery and underwhelming to me.

Advantage? Clearly, the King did something right here.

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee Closeup

Is Burger King’s coffee something that a serious coffee drinker should seek out? Only if you’re a serious coffee drinker in a town full of truckstops offering stale tasting coffee. But even though I wouldn’t take the Smooth Roast over chains like Starbucks or even my own favorite, Einstein’s Brothers, Burger King’s Smooth Roast Coffee from Seattle’s Best Coffee is a real improvement over Burger King’s previous java attempts.

(NOTE: For a limited time, you can get a small cup for just a quarter and, according to the worker taking my order, you can get a shot of flavor for free.)

(Nutritional Facts: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 0 gram dietary fiber, and 0 grams of protein.)

Other BK Smooth Roast Coffee reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food (Iced Mocha version)

Item: Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee from Seattle’s Best Coffee
Purchased Price: .25 cents (limited time only price)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Caffeine! Better than McDonald’s “Premium” coffee. Not watered down. Mellow and slightly sweet flavor. Not overly bitter. User-friendly lid. Free flavor shot.
Cons: Won’t appease serious coffee drinkers. Only comes in one flavor. Not very bold or complex. Add-ins like cinnamon or cocoa not available. Costs extra for whipped cream. Not as tasty as Jelly Belly Cappuccino jelly beans. Contemplating burger and coffee pairings.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Hot Cinnamon Shake

Jack in the Box Hot Cinnamon Shake

If you look at Jack in the Box’s Hot Cinnamon Shake, it’s hard not to think to yourself, “Damn! It looks like someone went crazy with a bottle of Red 40 food dye!”

Or “Damn! Is Jack in the Box promoting a new Hellboy movie?”

Or “OMG! It like totally matches my Afternoon Delight Red nail polish! Who said the Hot Cinnamon Shake can wear my color? Ugh, now I have to find a new nail polish. Why is the Hot Cinnamon Shake being such a bitch?”

Jack in the Box’s Hot Cinnamon Shake is one-third of the Hot Mess menu items just released, which also includes the Hot Mess Burger and Hot Mess Wedges.

Yes, you can get them as a combo and, for those of you counting at home, if you purchase a Hot Mess combo you will have in front of you 2,297 calories, 143 grams of fat, 60 grams of saturated fat, 4 grams of trans fat, and 2,515 milligrams of sodium. Enjoy.

If you’re familiar with Hot Tamales, the spicy cinnamon candy, or Big Red, the cinnamon gum, then you’ll also be familiar with the flavor of this heavy Red 40 dye infused shake. With each suck of the straw, the Hot Cinnamon Shake played good cop/bad cop with my tongue. It starts off being Olivia Benson-sweet, making you think you’re eating Cinnabon. Then…BAM…the shake hits you with Elliot Stabler-fire.

I’m sorry. I’ve been watching A LOT of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on Netflix Instant Streaming.

Okay, to be honest, the heat is not as intense as Elliot Stabler or Hot Tamales, but it’s like Big Red gum, which to me is a bit mild. The heat did linger in my mouth for several minutes after finishing the shake, which made me wonder if it worked like Big Red gum and made my breath smell like cinnamon. Unfortunately, I had no one nearby to check.

The Jack in the Box Hot Cinnamon Shake’s color may make it look evil, but I assure you it’s a delightful treat if you’re a fan of spicy cinnamon stuff.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 788 calories, 360 calories from fat, 40 grams of fat, 28 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 127 milligrams of cholesterol, 271 milligrams of sodium, 689 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 78 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Hot Cinnamon Shake reviews:
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating

Item: Jack in the Box Hot Cinnamon Shake
Purchased Price: $3.59
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delightful treat if you’re a Big Red fan. Sweet cinnamon start makes it taste like Cinnabon. Spiciness is similar to Big Red gum. Netflix Instant Streaming.
Cons: Dark red color makes it look evil. Awesome source of trans fat. Like, totally stealing my color. Consuming a Hot Mess combo. A significant other wanting to make love after watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Fish McBites

McDonald's Fish McBItes

If my subscription to Men’s Health Magazine has taught me anything it’s that I should eat fish regularly and Men’s Health will never run out of six-pack abs articles. Never.

My fish intake involves me consuming salmon once a week, occasionally enjoying sushi that’s served on a conveyor belt, and eating a local delicacy called poke (pronounced POH-keh), which is raw fish mixed with spices, sauces, and onions. However, my recent fish intake included McDonald’s Fish McBites.

Yes, I know breaded fried fish is probably not what Men’s Health Magazine had in mind when it comes to fish I should eat. But I also learned from reading Men’s Health that it’s okay to cheat once in a while.

Or maybe I read that in Infidelity Monthly Magazine, which, by the way, will never run out of how to cheat articles. Never.

The fish inside each Fish McBite is pollock (or Colin if you live in the UK), which is the same fish found in McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish and most frozen fish sticks. If you’re into sustainable food production, McDonald’s recently announced that the wild-caught Alaskan pollock they use is now Marine Stewardship Council (MSC) certified. That means McDonald’s gets its fish from suppliers that have to meet strict MSC standards. What are those standards? You ask too many questions. Read this.

McDonald's Fish McBItes Closeup

The Fish McBites’ breaded exterior is different than what’s on McDonald’s Chicken McBites. It looks more like Shake & Bake than fried chicken. Also, while the Chicken McBites came in a salmagundi of sizes and shapes, the Fish McBites’ size and shape are uniform. The breading gives the popcorn fish a nice crunch, but I thought it lacked flavor. I would’ve liked it to have enough flavor that I wouldn’t feel the need to dip it into the provided tartar sauce.

McDonald's Fish McBItes Super Closeup

The fish encased in the crunchy, somewhat flavorless breading is flaky. No. Super flaky. It falls apart so easily that it’s extremely hard to double dip these Fish McBites. Also, the breading has a hard time sticking to the fish. So if you’re a double dipper, you’re going to experience pieces of fish and/or breading falling into your container of tartar sauce and using your fingers to fish (pun not intended…okay it was) them out. Of course, this isn’t a problem if you dip one into the tartar sauce and then pop the whole thing in your mouth.

If you enjoy Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, then you’ll know how fishy these taste. I thought the Fish McBites and tartar sauce combination was tasty, but, again, I do wish the breading had a stronger flavor to make them taste less similar to a McDonald’s fish sandwich. If you do try them, might I recommend getting them with a different sauce or ordering some McDonald’s fries with them, breaking out a bottle of malt vinegar, and McHacking some fish ‘n chips.

(Nutrition Facts – Regular Size – 370 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 630 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 17 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Fish McBites reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s Fish McBites
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: Regular Size
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Fish McBites and tartar sauce combo was tasty. Slightly better for you than Chicken McBites. Pleasantly crunchy exterior. Uniform shape and size. Eating fish once a week, but not fried fish.
Cons: Easily falls apart, making them hard to double dip. Breading needs more flavor. Super flaky. Breading doesn’t stick to fish well. Fishing out pieces of fish and breading from the container of tartar sauce. I don’t have six pack abs after years of having a Men’s Health subscription.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Big Pizza Sliders

Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders

These Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders are so cute. Wook at how wittle they are. Who’s a wittle pizza? You’re a wittle pizza!

How wittle are each Pizza Slider?

The mini pizzas are 3.5 inches across and about a inch tall. To give you an idea of how big that is, a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza is six inches in diameter.

Oh, that’s not enough to satisfy your pizza-eating, number-crunching brain?

Well then, according to the Pizza Hut website, a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza weighs 201 grams (or 7.1 ounces) and, according to my heavily used postal scale covered in a thin layer of white powder, one Pizza Hut Pizza Slider topped with cheese and pepperoni weighs 68 grams (or 2.4 ounces). As you can see, there’s a significant difference in size. However, the Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders are available with three or nine pieces. So, if I were to use the power of addition, it turns out three Pizza Sliders weigh 204 grams (7.2 ounces) or roughly the same as a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza.

Math!

Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders Closeup2

With the Pizza Sliders, you’re allowed up to three topping in three different topping combinations. Although, if you want to be complete asshat to a Pizza Hut employee, you can do so by ordering the nine-piece Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders and asking to have each one customized. I’m not an asshat so picked up the nine-piece Pizza Sliders and asked for three pizzas with pepperoni, three with sausage, and the last three with sausage, red onions, and tomatoes.

Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders Back

If you’re familiar with Pizza Hut pizza, then you’ll pretty much know what Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders taste like. The pepperoni and sausage ones I ordered tasted just like regular pepperoni and sausage pizzas from Pizza Hut. Although I thought the crust wasn’t as buttery and crispy as a Pizza Hut Pan Pizza’s crust. Also, each pizza didn’t have much sauce underneath the cheese. If I were to order this again, I’d spend the extra cash and get a dipping sauce to make them a little more exciting.

Overall, Pizza Hut’s Pizza Sliders are good, if you enjoy Pizza Hut pizza because they taste just like Pizza Hut pizza. However, because they taste just like Pizza Hut pizza, they aren’t very noteworthy.

(Nutrition Facts – It’s Pizza Hut pizza, so don’t imagine it’s healthy food.)

Other Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Pizza Hut Big Pizza Sliders
Purchased Price: $12.00 (for nine)*
Size: 9 Pizza Sliders
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Adorable. Tastes just like regular Pizza Hut pizza. Three Pizza Sliders are the same weight as a Personal Pan Pizza. Allows you to test different topping combinations. Math!
Cons: Crust less buttery and crispy than Pizza Hut Pan Pizzas. Not very innovative. Didn’t have much sauce under the cheese. Only allowed three different topping combinations. Asshats who ask to customize all nine Pizza Sliders.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I pay more for things. You’ll probably pay $10, like most of the country will.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger

Jack in the Box’s Hot Mess Burger is possibly the messiest fast food burger my hands and mouth have ever wrapped themselves around, so I guess Hot Mess is an appropriate name.

How messy was it?

Six napkins and a pair of shorts soaking in water messy. Unfortunately, the bag I brought it home in only had four napkins so my burger entrails covered hands had to scramble for more disposable cloths.

What makes this burger so messy?

It’s not the seasoned beef patty, deep fried onion rings, or sliced jalapeños. What was to blame for my excessive use of paper products was the greasy, toasted sourdough bread and the melted white cheddar and pepper jack cheeses.

To be more accurate, 90 percent of the mess was from the cheeses. The white cheddar and pepper jack didn’t appear to be slices placed on the burger. Instead they were more like a cheese sauce because as they sat on my burger they didn’t harden much and it oozed all over the place. It’s as if the person who made my sandwich thought it was a smothered chicken-fried steak or wanted my sandwich to look like it was throwing up cheese after I opened its wrapper.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger Throwing Up Cheese

But the cheeses weren’t there for just looks, they, surprisingly, provided a lot of flavor. In fact, I’ve never experienced a cheesy flavor level like this with a burger before. I’m not surprised Jack in the Box used white cheddar because it appears to be the new black. Burger King and McDonald’s have used the pale cheese in some of their recent burgers. As for the pepper jack, it’s hard to notice any flavor from the peppers in it because of the jalapeño.

Speaking of the jalapeño, if you love canned jalapeño peppers, then you’ll love how this burger tastes. When I peeled back the sourdough bun, it looked as if S.S. Jalapeño sank in the White Cheese Sea. There were so many peppers that, on the drive home from the restaurant, the bag that contained my Hot Mess Burger became a chili pepper air freshener, filling my car with the aroma of jalapeño. Every bite I took from this sandwich had at least a slice and they gave this burger a nice spicy kick and a lot of flavor.

The beef patty was tasty, but dry (which is par for the course). The onion rings, while a nice addition, were noticeable in only a few bites, but I’m fine with the Hot Mess Burger being mostly a cheese and jalapeño show.

Even though the Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger was extremely messy and is quite unhealthy (which is expected), it’s so good that I think they should call it the Hot Mmmmess Burger.

(Nutrition Facts – 846 calories, 528 calories from fat, 59 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 108 milligrams of cholesterol, 1201 milligrams of sodium, 388 milligrams of potassium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein.)

Other Hot Mess Burger reviews:
Junk Food Betty
Man Reviews Food

Item: Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A very fine Jack in the Box burger. Strong cheesy flavor. Lots of jalapeño slices. Has a fondue fountain’s worth of cheese. Toasted bun. Jalapeño bring lots of flavor and a bit of heat.
Cons: Very messy. Onion rings didn’t add a lot of flavor. Dry beef patty. Having my computer’s autocorrect automatically change every “jalapeno” to “jalapeño.” Has two grams of trans fat.