REVIEW: Jack in the Box Brownie Bites

Some folks like their brownies with a texture that’s similar to cake, while others like them dense and chewy. I’m in the latter crowd.

I say if you I want a brownie that’s a bit more spongy, go crash a child’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s and get yourself a slice of chocolate cake.

If you’re like me and enjoy chewy brownies, then Jack in the Box’s new Brownie Bites aren’t for you. Actually, if you’re a fan of any kind of brownies, then Jack in the Box’s Brownie Bites aren’t for you. Well, unless you’re a fan of dry happiness-draining brownies.

The only time brownies have ever wiped the smile on my face was when I forgot to add eggs to the brownie mix and I ended up with brownies that resembled, and were as hard as, what we call here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, pahoehoe lava.

Geology lesson bonus!

I didn’t expect Jack in the Box’s new Brownie Bites to be elegant made-from-scratch brownies from a reality show dessert chef trying to please three judges in order to not be eliminated, but I presumed they would be almost as good as brownies made using a Betty Crocker mix by an eighth grader in a home economics class.

Unfortunately, the Jack in the Box Brownie Bites didn’t meet my low expectations.

Again, they weren’t chewy, but that could’ve easily been forgiven if they had a nice chocolate flavor. However, as I chewed through each of the five pieces, I could feel the disappointment my taste buds were experiencing from the dessert’s unsatisfying chocolate flavor.

And after I was done with this dainty snack, all I could think about was how I wished it had chocolate chips baked in them or it came with a chocolate dipping sauce, both of which would’ve enhanced the flavor.

But all is not bad with Jack in the Box’s Brownie Bites. They’re served warm so if you buy two Brownie Bites servings, each of which contains five pieces, you can stick one on every fingertip to keep them temporarily warm during these cold months. Also, they’re cheap enough that you can probably purchase it with the loose change you find under your car’s seat.

But if you do that, please look for the money before you go to the drive-thru.

Overall, I’m pretty sure I won’t be ordering Jack in the Box’s Brownie Bites again. With desserts, it should make you think, “Oh, what a wonderful way to end a meal!” or “That was so worth the calories!” But these brownie bites didn’t do either.

(Nutrition Facts – 288 calories, 115 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 44 milligrams of cholesterol, 159 milligrams of sodium, 225 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Brownie Bites
Purchased Price: $1.19
Size: 5 bites
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Warm. Inexpensive. Bite-sized. Crashing birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Finding money under your car seat. Droppin’ geology knowledge on y’all.
Cons: Edible, but not delightful. Dry. Unsatisfying chocolate flavor. Had a more cake-like texture than chewy. Not a good way to end a meal.

REVIEW: Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos

Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos

XXL may be the shirt size you’ll wear if you eat Taco Bell’s new XXL Steak Nachos everyday. Also, the colors your bowels will release after eating one will probably rival a Dario Argento horror classic.

XXL is an appropriate description for these steak nachos. The damn box it comes in is a foot long! The thing weighs almost a pound!! When the drive-thru lady handed the nachos over to me, she had to bend her arm slightly!!! I have penis envy looking at the length of this container!!!!! How many exclamation points can I stuff in this paragraph?!!!!

Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos Box

I felt like I was buying a box of cereal from Taco Bell, that’s how mammoth the plastic container was. I know I’m supposed to talk about the food but I was obsessed how large this was. I felt like Dr. Michio Kaku pointing out, “Here’s our sun and now here’s our sun compared to a red giant!” My wife and I were stunned at the size of it as it sat imposingly on our coffee table.

Some of the promotion materials urge you to “Dig in.”

With what? A shovel?

I’m going to describe this as eloquently as I can because I’m guessing the photos cannot do any better than my words. The blobs of sour cream and guacamole look small because they are dwarfed by the amount of tortilla chips you get.

IMG_1848

First, you have a heap (imagine Linus jumping in a pile of raked leaves kinda-heap) of warm tortilla chips. Then a plop of refried beans mixed in, followed by another larger plop of Velveeta-like nacho cheese, then an ice cream scoop plop of suspiciously bright green guacamole, followed by another plop of low-fat sour cream (Low fat? Does it really matter now, Taco Bell?), then a modest amount of pico de gallo, a conservative dash of shredded cheese, and a paltry amount of steak. It’s sort of like a food bell curve or an edible example of diminishing returns.

Nachos are one of the comfiest foods I can think of, right up there with cheese fries. They taste awesome when you’re sitting on the couch alone. They work just as well as communal food when you’re watching a game with your friends at a wing house. And I suppose…perfect for a party, if you’re throwing a nachos kind of party, which I never do. I feel nachos are a sacred dish and while the preparation is simple, it’s just as easy to fuck up.

I hate to say this folks, but what we have here is a gigantic pile of fuck up.

First, I’m not a fan of this nacho Velveeta-like cheese, but even with that, the consistency should be velvety and smooth. Like most things fun and dirty, the right viscosity is important. My cheese was dribbly and wet. The chips soon drooped as the cheese engulfed them slowly. I’m not even sure why there are little flecks of real cheese except to cheese-tease me with what this could have been. The sprinkling of the cheese was sparse; I think I only got two of the supposed three cheese blend.

Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos Closeup

However, I’m enamored with Taco Bell’s sour cream. I could write whole sonnets and monologues on this stuff or as I’ve declared before, brush my teeth with it. Yet, the consistency of the sour cream on my nachos were also too wet. The guacamole tasted slightly off, almost metallic, like the tub of green stuff you buy in the supermarket because you’re too impatient to wait for that Hass avocado to ripen.

Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos Guac Closeup

The duo of these wet globs weighed on the nachos so much that it transformed into a piss poor cheese soup. Honestly, the flavors were just okay but they overwhelmed the pico de gallo which was easy to do since the amount of pico had no chance in the guac and sour cream storm. Oh, but I haven’t even gotten to the star of the XXL nachos, the steak.

I love red meat. I love steak. I will eat the hell out of a rare steak. I’ve drunkenly eaten a raw NY strip out of the fridge twice. I dream of those cartoons where they would tantalize a rabid dog with those oversized T-bone steaks. I’m also a realist, and I know the steak you’re going to get at Taco Bell is not one you would even get at a Perkins diner.

Even with my expectations lower than my father’s credibility, I was floored. You know those beef nuggets you can buy in that slick pouch by the beef jerky section? The steak had the texture and tasted just like it. It was as if the Taco Bell guy back there shook the remaining amount out of his bag he was eating from. There was an artificial smokiness, which I guess supplanted the grilled flavor. Also, thankfully in this case, there were so few of these nuggets. Or maybe they got lost in the condiments. It seems XXL does not mean the quantity of beef on these extra extra large nachos.

All the flavors together did not mesh well either. The artificial smoke from the steak and subpar guacamole ruined it. It was like sucking on pennies and chewing on Slim Jims. I’m all for fast food that is bad for you, but not fast food that tastes bad.

Now one good thing, besides never ordering these again, was the tortilla chips. These familiar triangles were warm, salty, and crispy until the tsunami of condiments drowned them. I’m all for slothsome gluttony, which we just experienced for Thanksgiving (unless you were the ones who stood in line to save $50 to buy a tablet so you can play Angry Birds or Fruit Ninja 3), but who likes to over-indulge if it’s mediocre?

I think the adjective Taco Bell uses, XXL, primes you for up for a good time with these nachos. It’s just too bad because these left me XXL disappointed, just like my imposing family does every Thanksgiving.

(Nutritional Facts – 1160 calories, 61 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 70 mg of cholesterol, 2140 mg of sodium, 115 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: A huge box
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: The chips were warm and seasoned well. The box was amusing. Perfect viscosity. Comfort foods. Wing houses. Beef jerky nuggets, just not in my nachos. Dr. Michio Kaku and Perkins diners, together in one place.
Cons: Condiments didn’t hold up and made the chips droopy. Metallic tasting guacamole. Wrong viscosity. Tired of Black Friday updates on the news Thanksgiving night…enough already!

REVIEW: Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich and Churro

Taco Bell Desserts

Taco Bell (in)famously reconfigures the same few ingredients into “brand new” menu items quite often. If they ever wanted to offer actual new products and services, there are a few obvious candidates.

They could sell single servings of Pepto-Bismol, hand out business cards for good local plumbers, or provide complementary euphemisms for gastrointestinal unrest when the explanation, “I drunkenly ate a Taco Bell Party Pack at 2 a.m.” just won’t do. Investing in a new line of bakery goods wasn’t an obvious choice, but that’s the direction Taco Bell went with their new Cookie Sandwich and Churro.

On the Friday night after Thanksgiving, while you were likely getting ready for your high school reunion or engaging in the cherished annual tradition of contemplating how you could murder that one annoying cousin and make it look like an accident, I decided to venture out to the Taco Bell in my hometown. After downing a couple Doritos Locos Tacos (the fake Brad Pitt ad is really effective marketing), I tried out these new dessert offerings.

Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich 2

At first glance, the cookie sandwich looked almost like a toy, as though three layers of Play-Doh had been hastily pushed through a miniature pie mold. My tactile first impression was also quite negative, since the cookie sandwich was cold, hard, and clearly just removed from a storage fridge.

Taste-wise, the item performed a bit better, but not by much. The cookies were fine – appropriately sweet and chewy, and with a decent number of chocolate chips. After 10 seconds in the microwave, I imagine they could’ve resembled a poor man’s Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookie.

Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich 1

The frosting, however, was awful. It was much too sweet, much too rich, and much too much, as the excessive frosting quickly made eating the cookie sandwich a very messy experience.

Taco Bell Churro 1

For my tastes, the churro fared significantly better. It came out as warm as the cookie sandwich was cold, with a noticeable and pleasant scent from the exterior dusting of cinnamon sugar.

Taco Bell Churro 2

The shell was nice and crispy, and provided a great contrast to the soft, moist innards (which was just barely on the good side of the line between moist and mushy). I actually thought this product could’ve used a little more sugar, and I wished there had been a dipping sauce on the side. But for 99 cents, the churro provided solid value.

While I’ve written a mixed review, I do like that the folks at Taco Bell, between these items and the Cantina offerings, are making real strides in adding to their menu, and I definitely enjoyed my churro. Next time you drop in for your Doritos Locos Tacos fix, make sure to pick up a couple churros, too.

And if you happen to be a plumber, maybe consider leaving some business cards there. You never know how else Taco Bell might be trying to improve the business.

(Nutrition Facts – Cookie Sandwich – 390 calories, 160 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein. Churro – 190 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating
The Smidview

Item: Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich and Churro
Purchased Price: $1.29 (Cookie Sandwich)
Purchased Price: 99 cents (Churro)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Cookie Sandwich)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Churro)
Pros: Cookies were appropriately sweet and chewy with decent number of chocolate chips. Churro was warm and smelled great. Churro’s crispy shell and moist inside contrasted nicely. Taco Bell offering actual new items. SNL Brad Pitt ads. Seeing high school friends over Thanksgiving break. 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs.
Cons: Cookie sandwich was cold and looked toy-like. Frosting was awful. Churro could’ve used more sugar or a dipping sauce. Your annoying cousin. 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs.

REVIEW: Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake

Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake

It’s almost holiday/low productivity at work/dealing with annoying parents time.

It’s that time when big band holiday music is played at Crate & Barrel and Banana Republic stores all across the nation to lend that over the top affluence. It’s also that time of year when I relish how bourbon tastes when there’s a chill in the air and that warm feeling in my tummy that follows.

Yet, what I love most about this time of year are the holiday variants of food products that are unleashed. Turkey gravy cough drops, anybody?

Lately I’ve been on a Burger King kick. Partly because BK seems to be one of the few fast foodie joints taking some chances, but, mostly, because BK is within walking distance from my mansion that houses an extensive blazer collection. Also, I can’t drive until my probation is over.

I’m not a big fan of milkshakes, unless it’s a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake. And when I say, “McDonald’s strawberry milkshake,” I mean the vintage version sans whipped cream, the maraschino cherry, and McCafe logo-branded cup. However, as I walked up the curved asphalt in the Burger King drive thru, I couldn’t I pass up what I saw on the backlit menu and in the pictures on the windows? A gingerbread cookie shake.

What came from Burger King’s decked out stainless steel kitchen looked very close to the oversized photos that hung in the window. It was light brown with creamy white swirls throughout the soft serve shake and dolloped with whipped cream and gingerbread cookie crumbles on top. I have no idea what that chemical dairy smell that soft serve exudes, but I’m a fan of it. It’s hard to describe, but when I smell it, I pop a gustation boner.

For a paltry $2.39 (entry fee for the small size) I was given the chance to mentally escape, at least temporarily, the heavy burdens of my ankle bracelet. I straightened my red wool tartan driver’s cap, pressed my button down blue shirt flat with my hands and sat in the booth with determination.

Will I finally tell my wife that I want a divorce because she needs to watch that awful Once Upon A Time show when all I want to do is play Borderlands 2? Will I stand up to the world and tell my probation officer to eat the streets today? Will this be the day my opinion of milkshakes change?

No on all three counts, but allow me to explain.

Great milkshakes have that Goldilocks-like range. Not too watery which makes it like melted ice cream, and not too thick which makes it so hard to suck through a straw that you might as well be performing fellatio. The milkshake I got was perfectly in between.

Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake Closeup

The gingerbread flavor was at the forefront and it was intense. It was buttery, rich and savory the way excellent gingerbread can be. The cookie bits on the top were a whimsical touch, but also served its purpose to emphasize the gingerbread flavor.
There were notes of musky cloves and cinnamon that played very well with the vanilla soft serve blended in the shake. I could taste hints of ginger, which was nice. I thought it was a possible non-alcoholic liquid holiday drink that could help me deal with the frayed nerves of my family.

As perverted as it sounds, this felt so good going down my throat. For a second I thought, “You know what? Life is going to be all right, buddy.” That neighbor who throws chicken bones on my lawn isn’t so bad; he’s just trying to help me fertilize the grass. And you know what else? When my mother says, “Jeff, you’re an idiot and a mistake, we never wanted you,” it’s her way of motivating me to become a better person.

I love you, Mom.

However, just as I was embracing the complexities of a good ginger cookie, the sweetness of the shake did donuts on my tongue and then monster trucked into some old rusty Pontiacs. My teeth began to hurt from how sweet it was. And Tiger Mom, I hate you! You’re always saying such hurtful things. Why didn’t you give me up for adoption to a Non-Chinese family with no Tiger Moms and unfeeling dads?

Happy Holidays, dammit!

Similar to a tidal wave crashing on shore or your gross uncle who lays a fart in the room, the sweetness takes over everything it can reach its proverbial hands on. Basically it’s as if my taste buds were placed in a sleeper hold and the sugar was shouting in their ears to tap out. “SUBMIT, bitch! Tap out! SUBMIT! You know you want to submit! You don’t have it in you! GIVE UP!”

Even though my experience was slightly ruined by the sweetness of the shake, I kept slurping because that gingerbread flavor was so damn good. However, I did not drink the whole shake because it was pretty decadent. But let me say Burger King’s Gingerbread Cookie Shake is worth a try just for the gingerbread flavor, even though you’ll probably find yourself submitting to the sugar high.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be submitting myself to my regular old brown liquors to get me through another Thank(less)giving.

(Nutrition Facts – small size – 490 calories, 15 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 70 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food
On Second Scoop

Item: Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake
Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Small
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Gingerbread flavor is buttery and savory. Thickness of shake was perfect. Big band holiday music. Crate & Barrel. Musky clove and subtle cinnamon flavors. Gustation boner. Banana Republic. Gingerbread cookie crumbles on the top are a nice addition. Borderlands 2.
Cons: Too sweet. McCafe vs. the old shakes. Too damn sweet. Once Upon A Time. Really, it is so sweet. So sweet, my teeth hurt.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Supremo Overstuffed Pizza

Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza

When I saw the stuff in the Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza oozing out of the sides of each slice, I thought they were overstuffed. But when I stuffed the stuff back into a slice of the Overstuffed Pizza, I realized all the stuff equaled to the amount of stuff found on a regular Pizza Hut Pizza. Heck, I believe this entire paragraph is stuffed with more “stuff” and its derivatives than stuff stuffed into Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza.

The new pizza comes in two varieties — Italian Meat Trio and Supremo. I went with the Supremo because I thought it would be super cool to act like The Fonz by showing two thumbs up, nodding my head repeatedly, and saying, “Ay! Supremo” to my cashier after she thanked me for my business.

Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza Closeup

Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza is 14 inches in diameter and cut into six pieces. The Supremo Overstuffed Pizza is filled with cheese, sauce, Italian sausage, onions, bell peppers, and mushrooms. The top crust layer of the pizza I order was liberally sprinkled with shredded parmesan and an Italian seasoning blend. Wait. Did I say, “liberally sprinkled”? I meant to say, “It looked like a McCormick spice and herb factory blew up on top of it.”

Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza Innards

As for the inside of the pizza, there’s so much cheese oozing all over the place that it looked as if a brawl broke out at a fondue party and the cheese fountain was knocked over. While there was a lot of cheese, there wasn’t a lot of sauce. I thought those holes on top were made to let the pizza vent while cooking, but, with this pizza’s lack of sauce, they might be the fang marks of drunk vampires who thought the red stuff in my pizza was blood.

But back to the top crust. It had a strong buttery and herby aroma, and a slight crispness which reminded me of the outer shell of Pretzel Bread Lean Pockets. Sadly, it was also crispier than the bottom crust and the edges which were doughy and chewy. Also, even with herb blast on top of the pizza, the crust didn’t have a strong flavor, making the Overstuffed Pizza taste not that much different than a regular Pizza Hut pizza.

After peeling back the top crust, it was hard to make out the onions, peppers, and mushrooms from each other because all three were mostly shriveled and darkened. Fortunately, their condition didn’t take away their flavor. The amount of Italian sausage was plentiful and they provided that familiar greasy, mild spicy goodness found on other Pizza Hut products.

Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza is not the worst pizza I’ve had, but I don’t taste a significant difference between it and Pizza Hut’s regular pan pizzas. In fact, I think the extra crust slightly dampens the flavors of the sausage, cheese, veggies, and sad amount of sauce. However, the extra crust does a great job at making me full. Just a slice of the Overstuffed Pizza was filling.

Maybe Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza didn’t get its name from the amount of ingredients stuffed inside of it. Maybe it got its name because eating more than one piece will make you feel overstuffed.

(Nutrition Facts* – 1 slice – 600 calories, 230 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, and 25 grams of protein.)

*via Brand Eating

Other Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: Pizza Hut Supremo Overstuffed Pizza
Purchased Price: $16.99*
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes similar to a regular Pizza Hut pizza. Lots of cheese. Eating one slice is filling. Lots of sausage.
Cons: Tastes similar to a regular Pizza Hut pizza. Not at all overstuffed. Top crust looked like a McCormick herb factory blew up on it, but didn’t have a strong flavor. Bottom crust and edges were doughy. Not a lot of sauce. Veggies were shriveled beyond recognition. Fights at fondue parties.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I tend to pay more for stuff. You will probably be able to get it for much cheaper.