Fast Food – Page 225 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Burger King BK Bacon Burger

Adam / August 10, 2012 / Reviews / 12 Comments

Believe it or not, long before the days Burger King became Smoothie Queen and BBQ Pork Noble, the chain actually focused most of its attention on hamburgers. And, what’s more, that creepy looking, high-as-a-kite King mascot of theirs actually cooked up a few tasty options for a buck. The Whopper Jr., anyone? Or how can we forget the Buck Double. A meal for a King, these items were not. But when it came to the dollar menu hierarchy of the Fast Food Court, they commanded some high praise.

Flash forward to the Burger Renaissance. The feudal days of cheap, dollar-menu burgers have all but disappeared, with burgers from the Big Three blurring the definition between fast food and fast casual. A few holdovers still exist on the value menus, but with beef prices rising at staggering rates, the dawning of a new burger age seems to have all but triumphed over the cheap burger nostalgia of a decade ago.

Burger King’s new Bacon Burger looks to recapture some of that nostalgia, mostly at the expense of former $1 offering like the Single Stacker and the Whopper Jr., which at my local BK were priced at $1.19 and $1.49, respectively. At a buck, the new Bacon Burger ditches the cheese in favor of “naturally smoked thick-cut bacon” and “creamy mayonnaise.” Why don’t they just say it? Food prices are going up, so we’re cutting back. LIVE WITH IT.

The burger is nothing if not “value” sized, with your standard puny Whopper Jr. hamburger patty. The bun to burger ratio obviously favors the bun by a substantial margin, but what the puny patty lacks in girth it makes up for with taste. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always found Burger King’s flame-broiled patties to be beefier, sweeter, and just more satisfying than the likes of McDonald’s and Wendy’s, even when shrunken to Lunchables-sized portions. It’s that flame-grilled, sweet aftertaste which affords me to overlook the unfortunate laws of fast food value burgers, which, if you didn’t know, don’t exactly come at a temperature of your choice.

The beef might be good by fast food value standards, but problems abound. Let’s start with the mayo, which covers up that small patty and drowns out the flavor in an insipid cloud of white. Good God, what a worthless condiment!

Don’t get me wrong, it serves its place on a BLT and the like, but here it just manages to turn the otherwise soft and malty sesame seed bun to a soggy mess on the interior, in the process drowning out the salty-sweet-acidic kick you’d normally get from the ketchup.

The onion is almost nowhere to be found, and despite loudly proclaiming this as their “Bacon Burger,” the bacon comes up short. It’s not bad – smoky, crisp, admirably meaty by fast food standards – but it’s underrepresented. What appears to be two halves of a single small slice don’t give you the kind of diameter-spanning coverage you’d want in such a small burger, while the lack of chewy and grassy fat limits its flavor. And can we talk about why lettuce and tomato were left out of the party? You have bacon. You have mayo. Seems to make sense to me to add some relief from at least a little herbage.

I don’t know about you, but if you’re going to name something a Bacon Burger, I’d expect bacon to be exploding out of the damn thing, much like the horribly unrealistic promotional photo hung in the windows. That, or I’d expect you to go all Slater’s 50/50 on us.

Be that as it may, the BK Bacon Burger serves a purpose for cheapskates everywhere who cling to the idea of that American right of cow munching for just a buck. Likewise, for those of us who could care less for the worthlessness of a barely melted half of American cheese, it makes sense to take any bacon where you can get it. If anything is wrong with the BK Bacon Burger, it’s the fact that it’s an unfortunate reality of market forces, forcing the downsizing of the beefy goodness and smoky brilliance that otherwise could pass for a Hamburger with Bacon.

My suggestion for the cheapskate braving this brave new burger world? Nibble, and bring your own tomatoes.

(Nutrition Facts – Bacon Burger – 320 calories, 17 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 500 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King BK Bacon Burger
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: 105 grams
Purchased at: Burger King, albeit, not in the Burger Castle
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Flame grilled burger taste on the cheap. Good beefy flavor. Surprisingly smoky and crisp bacon. Sesame Seed Bun lovage. Keeping the dollar menu memories alive.
Cons: Too much mayo overpowers small patty. Bacon lacks full burger coverage. Bun is too big for the beef, while lettuce and tomato would be nice. Economic reality. Missing the creepy King mascot.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Cantina Menu (Steak Cantina Burrito & Chicken Cantina Bowl)

Marvo / August 7, 2012 / Reviews / 14 Comments

First off, I have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because her face isn’t shown ad nauseam on the Food Network.

Secondly, I also have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. But she shouldn’t feel bad because I also don’t have one and you probably don’t have one, so she’s in good company.

Thirdly, I wonder if she would slap Guy Fieri in the face for me if I gave her metal gloves to protect her hands from his spiky hair?

Finally, she’s making Taco Bell all fancy and shit, and I don’t like it. For years, it’s been the late night place for those under the influence who order menu items with funny names that sound even funnier to them when they say it over and over again. CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA!

They also sound like the noise drunk people make when they throw up. The new Cantina Bowl and Cantina Burrito Ms. Garcia helped develop for Taco Bell don’t have funny names or sound like someone puking. Although, every time I hear or say the word “cantina,” the music from the Mos Eisley Cantina scene in Star Wars, when Han Solo is introduced, plays in my head.

These ingredients she’s using sound too classy for the usual Taco Bell clientele. Citrus-herb marinated chicken, cilantro rice, and cilantro dressing? Taco Bell regulars aren’t used to eating their herbs, they’re used to smoking their herbs. Although, they’re going to laugh at the fact she’s using Hass avocados.

But those under the influence will be impressed with the size of Taco Bell’s Cantina Burrito. They’ll be like, “It’s the size of my arm, man. It’s like I’m eating my forearm.” Although, it’s not even close to being Chipotle-thick.

The Steak Cantina Burrito I bought was stuffed with grilled and marinated steak, cilantro rice, black beans, guacamole made from the aforementioned and funny Hass avocados, pico de gallo, roasted corn & pepper salsa, Romaine lettuce, and a creamy cilantro dressing. Despite all those ingredients, I have to say the Steak Cantina Burrito’s flavor was extremely disappointing. It was as boring as a lecture about world economics of the 1800s. As I was eating through it, and there’s a lot to eat, I thought to myself, “I’m getting no pleasure out of this. I think I could get more flavor from stamp licking.”

I know there was a lot cilantro dressing in it because it dripped out of the bottom of my burrito. The guacamole also oozed out, but it didn’t provide much flavor. The steak was tender and didn’t taste any different than the stuff inside Taco Bell’s Triple Steak Stack. As for the rice and beans, they made for an awesome burrito filler and fiber giver.

The only explanation I could come up with for its blandness is that the flour tortilla dampens the ingredients in the burrito, because the Chicken Cantina Bowl, which contains the same parts as the burrito minus the steak and tortilla, was delicious.

Taco Bell’s Chicken Cantina Bowl was hearty, brought back memories of my beloved Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, and made me rethink my objections to Lorena Garcia turning Taco Bell “all fancy and shit.” The vegetable-filled picture above makes the Cantina Bowl look more like a Cantina Salad, but I assure you, there’s rice, chicken, and beans under dem greens.

Without a flour tortilla restricting flavors like a culinary straitjacket, I thought the flavors would do a culinary run around naked with their arms flailing and screaming obscenities, but it wasn’t like that. The marinated chicken was better tasting than the usual chicken Taco Bell uses, but the guacamole lacked a strong avocado flavor and the cilantro dressing was light, along with the pico de gallo and roasted corn & pepper salsa. However, everything as a whole was damn satisfying. I enjoyed it several times more than the Steak Cantina Burrito.

The Chicken Cantina Bowl doesn’t have a bold flavor. Instead, it has a wonderful mild flavor that should appeal more to mature taste buds, and not drunk/high college kids who, thanks to the weed and/or alcohol they purchased, only have a few bucks to spend on Gorditas and Chalupas, which they may throw up later.

(Nutrition Facts – Steak Cantina Burrito – 750 calories, 28 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 2040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein. Chicken Cantina Bowl – 560 calories, 22 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1520 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Cantina Menu (Cantina Burrito & Cantina Bowl)
Purchased Price: $6.19* (Cantina Burrito)
Purchased Price: $6.49* (Cantina Bowl)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Steak Cantina Burrito)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chicken Cantina Bowl)
Pros: Cantina Bowl was hearty and had a wonderful mild flavor. Cantina Burrito was the size of my forearm. Citrus-herb marinated chicken was better than Taco Bell’s usual chicken. Awesome source of fiber.
Cons: Pricey for those who just spent a whole bunch of money on booze or weed. Steak Cantina Burrito lacks flavor. Flour tortilla holds back flavor like a culinary straitjacket. Lorena Garcia lacking a Wikipedia page. Awesome source of sodium.

*here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we pay a bit more for our Taco Bell.

Fast Food Taco Bell

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta

Drew / August 1, 2012 / Reviews / 6 Comments

So I’ve had cookies on my mind lately.

It started when I volunteered to review Dunkin’ Donuts’ latest summer creation, the Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta, which I’ve had at least four of in recent weeks. Then we brought Chips Ahoy! to my family reunion, always a massive affair thanks to my great-grandparents being really great at procreating. Finally, my wife had me watch Cookie Monster’s cover of “Call Me Maybe” because one of her old sorority sisters is a background dancer in it. Now every day I find myself humming, “Hey, me just met you, and this is crazy / But you got cookie, so share it maybe?” (On the plus side, he harmonizes better than Carly Rae Jepsen.)

As you might surmise from my multiple trips to the well, there are a lot of good things to say about the Oreo Coolatta. It’s always nice when I’m able to review something I was planning to try anyway, and this for sure qualifies. Non-coffee drinkers sometimes struggle to find something at DD to wash down a nice chocolate glazed, and the vanilla bean Coolatta was the answer to my prayers, so long as I don’t mind having the shakes for the rest of the day. Which I don’t. Still, I’ve always believed variety is the spice of life, as long as it’s an incredibly minor modification of something you already know you like. And I was pretty sure this would essentially be just a Vanilla Bean Coolatta with Oreo pieces mixed into it.

Which, as it turns out, is pretty much what it is. There are two new Coolatta varieties, Oreo Coffee Coolatta and Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta. I didn’t try the coffee variety, though one might infer that it would taste a bit like a mochaccino with a different, grittier kind of chocolate. But if you’ve ever had a standard Vanilla Bean Coolatta before, you have a pretty good idea what to expect, which is to say: pure awesomeness. They have (at least at the beginning) a great consistency, not too thick to slurp through the straw, but not so liquid-y that it’s like drinking a soda. Except in terms of sweetness, because damn. I know I joked about it earlier, but seriously, you need a hearty sweet tooth to enjoy this beverage. People content with an apple as their main sweet for the day need not apply.

So with the excellent Vanilla Bean Coolatta as its base, it was just a matter of making sure the addition of Oreo didn’t throw things out of whack, right? Potential problems might’ve included the Oreo pieces being too large to comfortably fit through the straw, leading to blockages or making the overall consistency too thick. But that wasn’t an issue — the Oreo bits, while easily visible, are small enough that the overall consistency remains the same.

The texture, however, is a bit grittier, as you’d expect. And the taste is understandably similar, though not identical. Still extremely sweet, but with that highly distinctive chocolate flavor that I’m struggling to describe other than “tastes like an Oreo.” It’s not quite as rich as an actual Oreo cookie, but it still makes the Coolatta a bit more nuanced than the regular Vanilla Bean variety. It also creates a distinct aftertaste, leaving you tasting the chocolate well after the vanilla bean has faded from your tongue.

I should clarify that I can’t say for a fact that this is just the standard Vanilla Bean Coolatta with Oreo bits in it. Oreos obviously have a creme filling too, and it’s possible DD has added a little of that creme to the vanilla base. I honestly can’t swear to it one way or the other, but if they have, it’s fairly subtle. Which should not in any way dissuade you from trying what has turned out to be one of this summer’s best treats. The price is a bit steep and it goes without saying you’re not allowed to drink one without an insulin IV, but you can’t quibble with the taste. Om nom nom!

(Nutrition Facts — 1 small Coolatta — 420 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 88 grams of carbohydrates, 75 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 16 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like coffee. Oreo bits are just the right size. Chocolate is a nice addition but doesn’t overwhelm the beverage. Very minor variety. Let’s get skim milk flowing, we’ll start this snack going, baby.
Cons: A little pricey. Really, really, just crazy really sweet. Not nearly as enjoyable when it starts melting. Family reunions where they order about 8 mushroom pizzas and only one plain, like, WTFingF?

Dunkin Dunkin Donuts Fast Food

REVIEW: KFC Original Recipe Bites

Adam / July 25, 2012 / Reviews / 8 Comments

As a quirky 20-something looking to recapture my childhood in the nutritionally devoid menace of fast food, you might say I live with unrealistic expectations of fried chicken products which harken back to my childhood. And, as a 20-something reluctant to embrace the finality of entering the “real world,” you might say I have unrealistic expectations of my parents to put up with my avoidance of grown up stuff.

Thankfully, KFC has offered me the chance to proliferate both of these unrealistic expectations with their new Original Recipe Bites. Marketed for “a distinctly grown up taste,” they feature the Colonel’s secret recipe of herb and spices applied to “100 percent white meat.” They also, apparently, will allow millions of Xbox playing bums living in their parents’ basements to prolong their bygone dreams of winning the Heisman trophy in the alternate world of NCAA 13. And while I hardly live in my parents’ basement (Please, I’m above that. No, literally. We all live on the same floor), I am well versed in putting off actual adult things in favor of rushing for 700 yards a game in a video game.

In the world of fast food chicken, the “bite” is a relatively recent if not overplayed phenomenon. Not quite a nugget, not exactly popcorn, and clearly not a finger or a tender, the best comparison for what KFC’s Bites actually are would be Chick-fil-A’s nuggets. Like Chick-fil-A’s moist, juicy, succulent, and nutty-sweet nuggets, KFC’s Bites have a breading that’s lighter than popcorn chicken, but still crunchy in spots. The flavor is classic KFC, which is to say a little pepper here, and little garlic here, and, obviously, a lot of salt all around. Not prone to the same burning or dried out effect that has plagued some versions of McDonald’s “McBites,” they come in an order of either six or ten with your choice of dipping sauce.

For the most part, the bite sized pieces aren’t bad, albeit a little small. My order – which is supposed to be 100 grams – clocked in at a pedestrian 78 grams, although the meat to breading ratio was much more respectable than McDonald’s aforementioned Spicy McBites. That being said, you can clearly see some crunchy ends jutting out of the main “bite.” Crunchy but hardly meaty, they tend to be saturated in oil. Speaking of oil, as someone who has long given into the seductive peanut oil infused taste and melt-in-your-mouth texture of Chick-fil-A’s nuggets, I can’t help but measure KFC’s Bites against them. And when it comes to matching Chick-fil-A’s nuggets, KFC just can’t do it. There’s no sweet aftertaste imparted from the oil, and the white meat itself, while not dry, is plain in flavor and nothing to write home about. All things considered, it’s about as “grown up” as Tommy Pickles in the Rugrats cartoon offshoot.

I probably wouldn’t order KFC’s Original Recipe Bites all by themselves, but the six-piece $3.99 combo deal provides me with enough of an excuse to indulge in one of fast food’s most guiltiest pleasure: KFC’s potato wedges. Potato-ey, greasy, and probably filled with enough chemicals to keep a high school science class happy; they’re not much to behold, but damn are they good.

All things considered, KFC’s Original Recipe Bites probably won’t stave off getting “the talk” about actual life responsibility from your parents, and probably aren’t good enough to convince those parents to invest one more year in exorbitant electric bills earned through Xbox Live play in their basement. Nevertheless, if you’re looking for something with a little more meat than a McDonald’s McBite, or you just want an excuse to eat KFC potato wedges, you could do a lot worse. Like, you know, grade school shake-and-bake nugget worse. Thankfully, I’m too grown up for grade school chicken nuggets.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 bites – 200 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 660 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Other KFC Original Recipe Bites reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Brand Eating

Item: KFC Original Recipe Bites
Purchased Price: $3.99 combo with 1 side and a drink
Size: 6 pieces
Purchased at: Kentucky Fried Chicken
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: 100% breast meat. Better than shake-and-bake nuggets. Decent meat to breading ratio. Crunchy end pieces. 11 herbs and spices. Excuse to eat KFC potato wedges. Never having to grow up.
Cons: Not as hefty as advertised. No where near Chick-fil-A nuggets in terms of interior moisture or flavor. Kind of bland. Oily. Celebrating a fast food product that celebrates, essentially, bumdom.

Fast Food KFC

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Corn Dogs

Marvo / July 24, 2012 / Reviews / 4 Comments

Thanks to Jack in the Box’s new Mini Corn Dogs, I can now enjoy county fair food without having to deal with county fair crowds, county fair parking, county fair wait lines, and county fair vomit from county fair visitors riding county fair rides after eating county fair grub.

Of course, Jack in the Box picked one of the least exciting deep fried foods county fairs have to offer. A sausage dipped in cornmeal batter and then deep fried may have been a crazy idea in the 1950s, but, today, it’s overshadowed by dozens of foods you can’t believe have been dunked in hot oil, all of which Jack in the Box should’ve introduced instead. And here are 50 of them in no particular order:

Deep-Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
Deep-Fried Pineapple Rings
Deep-Fried Oreos
Deep-Fried Cereal Bars
Deep-Fried Spam
Deep-Fried Trix Cereal
Deep-Fried Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal
Deep-Fried Brownies
Deep-Fried Fruity Pebbles
Deep-Fried Bubble Gum
Deep-Fried Salsa
Deep-Fried Avocado
Deep-Fried Twinkies
Deep-Fried Coke
Deep-Fried Cheese Curds
Deep-Fried Dill Pickles
Deep-Fried Ice Cream
Deep-Fried Snickers
Deep-Fried Mac & Cheese
Deep-Fried Latte
Deep-Fried Cookie Dough
Deep-Fried Guacamole
Deep-Fried Beer

…

Oh, I’m sorry. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Back to the list.

Deep-Fried Cheeseburger
Deep-Fried Cinnamon Rolls
Deep-Fried Red Velvet Cake
Deep-Fried Skittles
Deep-Fried Jolly Ranchers
Deep-Fried Gravy
Deep-Fried Watermelon
Deep-Fried Cap’n Crunch
Deep-Fried Pudding
Deep-Fried Caramel Apples
Deep-Fried Energy Drink
Deep-Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
Deep-Fried Girl Scout Thin Mints
Deep-Fried Girl Scout Samoas
Deep-Fried Butter
Deep-Fried Kool-Aid Balls
Deep-Fried Klondike Bar
Deep-Fried S’mores
Deep-Fried Corn on the Cob
Deep-Fried Cheesecake
Deep-Fried Bacon
Deep-Fried Lasagna
Deep-Fried PB&J & Banana Sandwich
Deep-Fried Milky Way
Deep-Fried Hostess Ho Ho
Deep-Fried Hostess Cupcake
Deep-Fried Pop-Tarts

An order of Jack’s Mini Corn Dogs came with five pieces that weren’t on sticks like county fair corn dogs. Each bite-sized corn dog was about two inches long and an inch wide. All looked like they were lovingly dipped in scalding oil, which created a crispy, golden brown crust.

The sausage inside wasn’t good enough to make me yell out the easily misinterpreted words, “I WANT MORE SAUSAGE IN MY MOUTH!” However, its savoriness went well with the sweetness of the Mini Corn Dogs’ crispy exterior. The snack comes with either ketchup or mustard. I prefer mine with mustard, but they were good with ketchup.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Corn Dogs are a nice addition to Jack’s snack lineup, which also includes stuffed jalapeños, egg rolls, and mozzarella cheese sticks. Unfortunately, they’ll also be an unpleasant deletion from Jack’s snack lineup since they’re available for a limited time.

I hope these Mini Corn Dogs sell well enough that Jack in the Box decides to bring them back again or makes them a permanent menu item. Or I hope they sell enough of them that Jack decides to give their other products the county fair food treatment and perhaps make a deep-fried Sourdough Jack.

(Nutrition Facts – Not on website yet.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Corn Dogs
Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful combination of sweet and savory. Inexpensive. Great with mustard; good with ketchup. Crispy exterior. No sticks. Deep-fried Sourdough Jack.
Cons: Available for a limited time. One of the most boring county fair foods. Sausage isn’t memorable. County fair vomit. Creating a bucket list that includes the list of deep-fried foods in this review.

Fast Food Jack in the Box