REVIEW: McDonald’s S’mores Pie

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McDonald's S'mores Pie

Something tells me Ronald McDonald and his bakers are getting bored. Like a child in trouble, flinging every excuse to see what sticks to the wall, this seems to be McDonald’s course of action in regards to its pies. I would kill for some of their international savory flavors such as tuna. And I love taro puffs when I rock out with dim sum (I’m channeling my inner Guy Fieri)…so a taro pie sounds right up my alley but those are not available in Florida. Until then, I will have to settle for S’mores.

You know that old saying, don’t judge a book by its cover? S’mores Pie is a limited edition re-release from McDonald’s and is a primary example of that very line. The pie is unsettling to look at because the visible chocolate from the open cut in the dough looks like a shiny poopie. It resembles the offspring from one of those delectable black & white cookies and a Pop-Tart.

I’m a sucker for McDonald’s pies and the flavors seem logical enough. Who doesn’t enjoy a S’more? It’s chocolate and toasted marshmallow. I always felt the graham cracker was the star of this campfire snack. With its slight (to me anyhow) hint of salt and cinnamon tones, those graham crackers were one of my earliest introductions to complex tastes.

I remember eating them out of the box watching reruns of Zoobilee Zoo, trying to figure out why I liked these so much and if it was weird I had a crush on that pink kangaroo lady. With McDonald’s offering a pie with a graham cracker crust, that was enough of a pitch for me. As stated before, the appearance was a bit disturbing and instinctively off-putting, so I glanced at it with a cautionary eye and hoped for the best.

However, the aroma emanating from the bag evoked memories of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen oven (or in my case, it reminded me of walking past The Great American Cookie as I entered the mall’s food court because Mom only baked sadness brownies and displaced anger cakes). The pleasant rich scent enveloped me and it only intensified in the car as the windows were up.

The pie was indeed warm which is just as important as the tangible ingredients making up this creation. I pulled into an empty space in the parking lot because I was afraid that I could not fully appreciate what Ronald offered me if it cooled off. I shimmied my blazer off and loosened my stock Van Heusen tie.

Buttery, dense and mercifully not too sweet, the chocolate fell closer to a dark one than a milk-chocolate which was good. I was surprised by the thickness of the marshmallow filling. It was not as light or fluffy as I thought it would be and creamier than I assumed. It was nice and I think there were some vanilla flavors from the marshmallow. It reminded me of scooping out a spoonful of Fluff from the jar. Combined, the chocolate and marshmallow almost had the sweet and savory team-up we all love so much.

Sadly, the appearance was not the only detractor. The graham cracker crust provided another negative point (not as bad as the humiliation tarts my Mom would bake). The dough was a bit too thick for my preference and worst, it was like a boring brown sugar cookie rather than a graham cracker. None of the characteristics unique to a graham cracker were present.

Pies are akin to a good marriage. At the risk of sounding something of a Lifetime Channel movie plot, both people need to cooperate and work to make that relationship successful. The same is with a pie’s filling and crust. They need to be in perfect harmony or it falls apart and unfortunately, the dough did me in. That’s too bad, really.

The pie is worth a one-time try for the delicious synthesis of its dense chocolate and marshmallow insides. As I sheepishly wiped the crumbs off my seat, I just felt the crust was awful enough to bring the entire thing down. The crust didn’t enhance the flavors and, even worse, it made me pine for one of those feelings of inadequacy cookies my Mom would force us to eat.

(Nutritional Facts – 290 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s S’mores Pie
Purchased Price: 75 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate is rich and dense. The chocolate and marshmallow combined is tasty. Memories of fresh baked goods. A warm pie, what’s not to love? Zoobilee Zoo.
Cons: The crust is thick and sad. Memories of fresh baked goods that originate from the food court in the mall. Not being able to buy a McDonald’s tuna pie here. Ben Vereen in Zoobilee Zoo always appeared annoyed.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites

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McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites

If I were to ever start a food fight in a McDonald’s, which I’ve thought about many times in order to make the daily McDonald’s visit for the senior citizens that surround me a little more fun, I would arm myself with these McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites (or the regular ones, which ever were available).

Why would I choose to stock up on Chicken McBites?

If I understood physics, I could give you a detailed, equation-filled explanation about why Chicken McBites would be the best McDonald’s menu item to have in a food fight, but since I have horrible mathematical and scientific abilities that would make any Asian with perfect SAT scores shake their head in disapproval, all I can say is: Chicken McBites is good in food fight. Easy to throw. Easy to throw far. Easy to throw straight.

Now some of you might be thinking a Big Mac would be the best McDonald’s menu item in food fight because after you throw it, the sandwich splits apart and turns into a fast food buckshot, spreading two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun everywhere. However, the beef patties and sesame seed bun aren’t very aerodynamic. Also, there’s only one Big Mac per box. With a snack size Spicy Chicken McBites there are anywhere from ten to 18 pieces you can fling at others, and with the sauces you can stain their clothes in a variety of colors.

Yes, I have put much thought into which McDonald’s items would be good in a food fight. Avoid the salads.

McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites Closeup

I don’t know if my eyes were deceiving me, but the Spicy Chicken McBites looked like they had a red tint to them, which made them appear a little ominous. The breading wasn’t light and crispy, instead it was more of a dense crunch, which I liked. The chicken inside the bigger pieces were tender, but a bit on the dry side. But, that’s par for the course when it comes to McDonald’s chicken.

The heat wasn’t too noticeable when I popped the first Spicy Chicken McBite in my mouth, but as I went through the box, the spiciness built up to a mild heat. There wasn’t any additional flavor with that spiciness. I thought they tasted like regular Chicken McBites.

However, just like McDonald’s other dippable chicken products, its flavor is all about the sauce. I didn’t ask for any of the spicy sauces, like Hot Mustard or Hot Habanero, because I thought they would overwhelm the spiciness of the McBites. Instead, I went with Sweet ‘N Sour, which I thought complemented the spiciness well. I also tried it with Tangy Barbecue, which was decent, but not as tasty.

McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites Innards

The Spicy Chicken McBites are tasty, but the thing about them, actually Chicken McBites in general, is that when you get a box it’s either hit or miss, there’s no consistency with it. I’ve tried the snack-sized spicy and regular versions several times and, as I mentioned earlier, the number of pieces I got in each box has varied, and the same can be said about the size of the pieces. If you look at the photo above, you’ll see a lot of big meaty pieces, but when I bought another box, more than half the pieces I got were small and mostly breading.

I know part of the appeal of popcorn chicken is having those pieces that are pretty much just breading, but I feel a little ripped off when I purchase a box that’s mostly breading when the previous box wasn’t.

Sure, those smaller pieces of breading are firmer, making them ideal for inflicting a little pain during a food fight. However, I’d rather have more pieces with chicken in them just in case I want to eat them instead.

(Nutrition Facts – Snack Size – 270 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites
Purchased Price: $2.99*
Size: Snack size
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly decent spiciness. Awesome ammunition to have in a food fight. Goes great with Sweet ‘N Sauce. Tender chicken. Comes in a variety of sizes. Dense breading has a nice crunchiness. Easy to throw. Easy to throw far. Easy to throw straight.
Cons: Tastes like regular Chicken McBites. Inconsistent meaty piece/breading piece ratio. Slightly dry chicken. Red tint makes them look a little ominous. Available for a limited time.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the price I paid might be higher than what you’ll pay.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut P’Zolo (Buffalo Chicken, Meat Trio, and Italian Steak)

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Pizza Hut P'Zolo

When I was a child I would grab pizza crusts and pretend I was one of those boss villains chomping on a cigar yelling things like “Get them boys and show’em what it means ta dubbahcross me” or “Those guys will never know what hit them!” I got in trouble once because I lit the end of a crust and attempted to smoke it. That was the earliest of many disappointments and shame I have brought to my honorable family. Damn you, tiger mom.

Well, forget about play cigars, I cannot do that with these P’Zolos for two sad reasons.

One, they are too big.

Two, they are really greasy.

The P’Zolo resembles a limp stromboli. It is less dense than a calzone but has more filling inside than a Hot Pocket, albeit not as fun. Pizza Hut is trying out some new concepts on their menu but I’m not sure what the thinking is behind these tubes of cheese and meat. I do know that, like Hot Pockets, you need to eat these quick because when they cool off…they become a congealed rubber cement of cheese and meatstuffs.

Speaking of meat, vegetarians are, unfortunately, screwed in the broccoli because the three varieties contain meat, which is fitting with the phallic nature of these P’Zolos. I guess you could order one without animal carcass, but I won’t. Because at my neighborhood Pizza Hut, I don’t want to be “one of those” who gets the eye roll, which is normally reserved for those who shop at Whole Foods.

Each P’Zolo has a nice aroma. The yeasty scent combined with Asiago cheese is rustic and welcoming, that is, until you open the box. Not one of my P’Zolo resembled the pictures advertising them, instead they were ill formed and looked shrinkled (my word for shrunken and wrinkled).

The other problem (besides this product giving me anxiety over penis size) was that each P’Zolo was scored, allowing the cheese and meat to ooze out, which contributing to its greasiness. All of the advertised pictures show them intact with the cheese and meats encased. This probably keeps the cheese melted longer as mine started to solidify into a glop.

Yes, they weren’t pretty, but if we didn’t put ugly things in our mouths, no one would eat a raw oysters or French kiss my stupid grad school ex. Anyhow, I had to get all three flavors because they were so cheap. Each one comes with your choice of ranch dressing (which is prepackaged like one would find in a convenience store salad) or fresh marinara sauce in a small Styrofoam cup.

Pizza Hut P'Zolo Buffalo Chicken

The Buffalo Chicken P’Zolo intrigued me as buffalo chicken is quickly becoming a throwaway flavor and can range from tasty to overpowering vinegar tang that makes my balls shrivel (or shrinkel). The crust had a nice chewy give and the nutty taste of Asiago complimented the dough. After biting into the P’Zolo, my skepticism faded. The buffalo sauce drenched chunks of chicken were tangy and mildly hot, which was awesome. The bits of grilled chicken were shredded and uneven indicating that this is the real stuff and not processed chicken slurry from a can. I liked that quite a bit, however the best part was the spicy tingle mellowed by the creamy mozzarella. The chicken was mildly smoky and the punch of vinegar from the buffalo sauce added a nice element.

On the other end of the spectrum, I had to use a fork because the grease just poured out and made the crust soggy. If you look at my pictures, it looks like a crowd of Black Friday shoppers who met an enlightened end via an oversized redneck pickup truck careening into Best Buy to pick up $5 Git-R-Done comedy DVD’s.

The ranch dressing added depth and it actually tasted like I was eating a plate of hot wings without the mess of wet fingers. I enjoyed this to some degree but not enough to buy it again. The flavors are solid but I love ripping into crispy fried chicken skin, and there’s no replacement for that, except a slug of whiskey.

Pizza Hut P'Zolo Meat Trio

My next P’Zolo, the Meat Trio, was disastrous, and I mean Hellgate: London disastrous (those of you who got suckered into the lifetime subscription, like me, know what I am talking about). This P’Zolo was stuffed with Italian sausage, pepperoni and ham. The oily, translucent Asiago crust was muted, as well as the mozzarella, because of one simple fact: It was P’zalty!

I can only believe this P’Zolo was seasoned by the tears of thousands of underpaid Pizza Hut employees, which are then reduced over medium heat for fifteen minutes and another generous sprinkling of salt. It does not help the pepperoni is a little salty anyhow.

Speaking of the pepperoni, I love it on top of a pizza but for whatever reason when encased in this cheese pipe, it was gross to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pepperoni calzone but I’m not sure why this did not work for me. Maybe the acne level oils pulsating from the meat buried in cheese grossed me out. You would think some sauce might help, but dipping it into the marinara sauce is similar to dousing a kitchen fire with oil. I could only take a couple of bites before I tossed it with contempt back into the box, you know the way that bad guy did to that kid in 2008’s Rambo.

Not only was this a strong salt lick of a snack, the black pepper from the sausage also overrode the flavors. I love Italian sausage but this tasted more like Jimmy Dean crumbles you add to a harmless breakfast casserole. I think you could use the Meat Trio P’Zolo as a torture device; make someone eat it with only their own saliva to quench their thirst.

Pizza Hut P'Zolo Italian Steak

Finally, I reached for the Italian Steak P’Zolo. The thick slices of sweet and smoky steak are a great compliment to the mozzarella. The green peppers and onions were plentiful, like a good Steak-Ummms, and the flavors all played nice. The flavor of the Asiago crust blended well with the steak, but the crust was also soggy like a bloated corpse found in those underwater horror films I watch too often.

If you do get this one, I would suggest eating it naked (the P’Zolo…not you, unless you’re into that) because the sweet tomato flavor from the marinara dipping sauce only lower the intensity of the nice beefy, cheesy and onion combo. There is no alchemy that can bring pleasure like the carnal nature of beef and melted cheese.

Another critique is that the P’Zolo will make you want a hot slice of pizza. Midway through eating one, I was left with an unanswered desire. It is akin to ordering a chicken breast at a steak house, then sitting at a table looking forlorn at everyone’s aged cuts while you sadly shovel bland shrinkled poultry in your maw.

Sure, I liked the few bites of the P’Zolos I had, but, again, it will not be a repeat purchase. I think the problem is that I want either a pizza or a calzone. The P’Zolo fits somewhere in between and, according the advertisements, maybe it is supposed to replace a submarine sandwich. It’s like the Back to the Future series, sometimes I want to see the 1985 classic. Other times, I am in the mood for the grimmer second installment (still waiting for a bottle of Pepsi Perfect). But, like the P’Zolo, I don’t have a use for the third one, except for that ZZ Top single.

(Nutritional Facts – Buffalo Chicken P’Zolo – 420 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1350 mg of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of protein. Meat Trio P’Zolo – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1310 mg of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 24 grams of protein. Italian Steak P’Zolo – 400 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1130 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 21 grams of protein)

Item: Pizza Hut P’Zolo (Buffalo Chicken, Meat Trio, and Italian Steak)
Purchased Price: $3.00 each or $5.00 for two
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Buffalo Chicken)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Meat Trio)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Italian Steak)
Pros: The chewy crust with nutty Asiago adds a nice rustic touch. Affordable. Real chunks of grilled chicken. Pretending pizza crust are cigars. The smoky sweet slices of steak. Crispin Glover in Back to the Future. Heavy handed with the onions. Shrinkled, the word. “Doubleback” by ZZ Top.
Cons: The soggy, depressing oily crust. Meat Trio is not worth the price regardless of how cheap. The scoring of the P’Zolo caused the cheese to congeal into a clunk of rubber. Actually lighting and smoking pizza crusts. Heavy handed with the salt for the Meat Trio. Pretend Crispin Glover in the sequels. Shrinkled, the action. Food that makes you question penis length (stay away foot long Subways).

REVIEW: Burger King Bacon Sundae

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Burger King Bacon Sundae

The Burger King Bacon Sundae is a little disappointing.

Oh, it’s tasty and you’ll gobble it up hard, like you’re a sugar monster, but it’s disappointing because after all the artificially-flavored bacon products I’ve tried over the years, I kind of miss the fear I had with each and every bite as I tried to consume them.

Well, the ten grams of saturated fat and 61 grams of sugar this sundae contains evokes fear, but I’m sad there’s nothing unnatural tasting about it that made me pause every time I put it near my mouth.

There aren’t any cerebral alarms going off to warn me. There isn’t an angel on one shoulder telling me not to do it and a devil on the other shoulder yelling at me, “Eat it, you pussy!”

Burger King went the safe route and just put chopped bits and a slice of their new thick hardwood smoked bacon on top of chocolate fudge, caramel, and their vanilla soft serve. There’s no bacon-flavored syrup, no sprinkling of Bacon Salt, and there isn’t even a cup shaped like a pig’s snout that I can wear on my face when I walk out of a Burger King and yell, “OINK! OINK! OINK!”

The Burger King Bacon Sundae comes with what I estimate to be two slices of bacon — one chopped up and the other sticking out of the vanilla soft serve like a bacon tombstone. Oh, when I say, “slices,” I mean Burger King slices which are shorter than the slices you would get if you threw some bacon into a pan. Two slices may not seem like a lot, but there’s enough bacon to have a little bit in every spoonful. The bacon wasn’t what I would call crispy. Perhaps hardened would be a better adjective.

I don’t think the bacon adds much of a pork or smoky flavor, instead it’s more salty, and I thought it went well with the gooey chocolate fudge and caramel. However, if I scooped up too much of the sweet sauces, which there were a lot of, they totally porkblocked any bacon flavor from my taste buds.

Burger King does a good job creating the coveted sweet and salty combination with its bacon sundae. Although bacon is the dessert’s special ingredient, its flavor is relegated to the background, which might disappoint hardcore bacon lovers. It’s a really nice treat, but my masochistic taste buds wish Burger King went way over the top with its bacon flavor.

Perhaps BK should’ve added a dollop of Baconnaise.

Thanks to TIB reader Stephen for demanding the Burger King Bacon Sundae be reviewed.

(Nutrition Facts – 510 calories, 18 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 75 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 61 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Sundae reviews:
So Good Blog
Brand Eating

Item: Burger King Bacon Sundae
Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Nice combo of sweet and salty. Lots of bacon. Nice sized sundae. Lots of chocolate fudge and caramel. Subdued pork flavor will make this appealing to more eaters. Thank goodness, no Baconnaise.
Cons: Doesn’t come in a cup shaped like a pig’s snout. Bacon flavor is muted. Might be disappointing if you’re a bacon lover. Probably not the best thing to eat, health wise, after consuming a BK combo meal. Being pork blocked.

REVIEW: Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

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Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

With the introduction of their new Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich, Burger King now has their own McRib. Actually, to be more accurate, Burger King now has their own limited time only pork sandwich slathered with sauce that’s kind of scary looking when you pull back the bun.

BK’s pulled pork sandwich brings together pulled pork, Memphis BBQ sauce, sliced onions, and a sweet southern sauce on a toasted artisan-style bun.

To be honest, I’ve never experienced Memphis barbecue because I’ve never been to the great state of…(double-checking on Wikipedia) Tennessee. So my digestive system hasn’t had the pleasure of eating at fine Memphis BBQ establishments like…(checks Google) Central, Neely’s, Corky’s, Payne’s, The Bar-B-Q Shop, and the G’town Commissary. Since my taste buds have never tasted Memphis barbecue, I can’t determine how offended Memphians (I hope that’s correct) should be or if they should feel offended at all.

As you can see in the photo above, the BK Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich comes with a lot of pulled pork. Although, the pulled pork looks more like finely shredded pork. Perhaps, too finely shredded, because when I pulled back the artisan-style bun, the amalgamation of pork looked like clumped wet cat hair. So if you purchase this sandwich, DO NOT TAKE IT APART! Also, DO NOT LOOK AT THE SANDWICH WHILE EATING IT OR ELSE YOU WILL SEE THIS:

Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich Innards

I know fast food in promotional photos never look like that in real life, but there was a major difference between BK’s photos of the sandwich and what mine looked like. While the beautifully photographed sandwich had pulled pork drenched in sauce, my pulled pork was just topped with sauce.

Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich Topless

Because the pork wasn’t soaked in sauce, I noticed the pork was a bit dry and with some bites it was slightly tough. It had a mild pork flavor that doesn’t get completely overwhelmed by the sauces.

Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s good the pork wasn’t drenched in sauce because the two sauces that top this sandwich made it extremely messy. I think I used three napkins to clean my hands. The BBQ sauce had a wonderful sweet and smoky flavor. Because there’s no spiciness to it, it’s slightly different from the usual barbecue sauce BK uses. The sweet southern sauce was also tasty, although its pastel yellow color looked a little weird. It gave the sandwich a little tanginess. The onions added crunch and complemented the pork and two sauces.

Even though it’s probably not comparable to a pulled pork sandwich from a Memphis barbecue joint and the pork is a little dry and looks like clumped wet cat hair, I think the Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich is surprisingly decent, thanks to the two sauces. It’s also on the smallish side, but I think it’s a better tasting pork sandwich than the McDonald’s McRib*.

*I don’t really care for the McRib.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 470 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,420 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, and 27 grams of protein.)

Other Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99 (sandwich only)*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly decent. Tasty sauces. Lots of pulled pork. Onions were a nice addition. Bun held together despite absorbing lots of sauce.
Cons: On the smallish side. Pork not drenched in sauce. Pork looks like clumped wet cat hair. Hella messy. Sweet southern sauce has a weird yellow color. McRib.

*Prices will vary. I will pay more than most of you because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.