Having survived the Great Mid-Atlantic Derecho of 2012 and discovered my stash of home bound ice cream to have turned into soup once the power came back on, you might say I’ve been in a cautious mood when buying ice cream over the last week.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a great appreciation for the richest and most indulgent dairy I can get to blow my savings on, but seeing mold in the viscous brown goo that used to be your Belgian Milk Chocolate Gelato will make you think twice before spending the big bucks again. Thankfully, that’s why places like McDonald’s exist.

McDonald’s has been selling soft serve since pretty much forever (heck even Wikipedia didn’t have a start date) but so far as I can tell, they’ve only recently launched the Chocolate-y Dipped Cones to the nationwide audience. Nope, that’s not a typo. It’s “Chocolate-y” as in does not contain actual chocolate (read: cocoa butter not included) but instead is made from a mixture of sugar, coconut oil, hydrogenated coconut oil, and cocoa.

Man, talk about a step down.

Still, with temperatures approaching a billion degrees in the Mid-Atlantic, I felt inclined to try it out. Also, I figured McDonald’s had invented some proprietary magic shell chocolate dispenser to coat the “reduced fat soft serve” in, but watching the girl behind the counter dunk the cone into a bucket of liquidity chocolate goo pretty much debunked that theory. Nevertheless, the coating clung to the soft serve tighter than a lid on a pickle jar, creating a hard reflexive sheen that could probably fry an ant if angled correctly toward the summer sun.

It was into that sun which I cautiously stepped, hoping my cone would last for a few worthwhile licks before the heat and humidity extracted its revenge on my summer bliss.

One, of course, faces an eating dilemma with soft ice cream encapsulated in hard ice cream form, but I found it worthwhile to approach the chocolate shell as if I was trying to get to the center of a tootsie pop. The chocolate flavor is sweet, a tad cool, and surprisingly smooth for being so artificial, reminding me of a chocolate ice cream bar with an especially thick chocolate shell. Not as pronounced and richly indulgent as a Magnum Bar, mind you, but this is McDonald’s and it’s 1,000 degrees out, so I’m willing to overlook that.

In any case I eventually ventured to splinter the shell and take a whack at the soft serve. Like Han Solo released from carbonite, the vanilla soft serve is not completely melted, and still retains its sweet and cool shape. Neither bursting with vanilla bean flavor nor having the lickable richness and smooth mouthfeel of egg based soft custard, it’s serviceable on its own, but delicious when combined with the shell.

It’s a treat worth savoring for a good five minutes, and the only real downside of the whole experiences come once the integrity of the binding site between the shell and cone is broken. At this stage you might as well stuff the rest of the cone into your face as quickly as possible, or else you risk an afternoon of sticky fingers, much like I did.

McDonald’s Dipped Cone is a surprising find in a fast food dessert market saturated with oversized milkshakes and coffee drinks disguised as milkshakes. It’s also an affordable option should you be looking to cool down without having your cool down treat immediately melt all over you.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cone – 270 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat*, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of protein, 15% calcium.)

*Contains Hydrogenated Oils

Item: McDonald’s Dipped Cone
Purchased Price: $1.49
Size: 4.5 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate-y shell has smooth sheen and lickable, bittersweet cocoa flavor. Tastes like a really thick chocolate bar. Soft serve ice plays well with with hard coating. Doesn’t melt even under intense heat. Affordable dessert that won’t break the calorie bank.
Cons: Soft serve is run-of-the-mill. No actual chocolate involved. Contains hydrogenated oil. “Volcano effect” of melting ice cream once shell is compromised.

For these armpit sweat staining months, McDonald’s has introduced their blended McCafe Frappé Chocolate Chip, which is pretty much a McDonald’s Frappé Caramel combined with a McDonald’s Frappé Mocha and chocolate chips.

Oh, I didn’t break it down enough for you?

Well then, here you go: The Frappé Chocolate Chip is made up of ice, a caramel coffee frappé base, a mocha coffee frappé base, and chocolate chips that’s topped with whipped cream and caramel and chocolate drizzles.

Oh, you want it broken down even more, food nerd?

Well, swallow this long list of ingredients in no particular order: Ice, sugar, milk, high fructose corn syrup, natural (botanical source) and artificial flavors, mono- and diglycerides, guar gum, potassium citrate, disodium phosphate, carrageenan, carob bean gum, cocoa (processed with alkali), red 40, yellow 5, blue 1, nonfat milk, corn syrup, polysorbate 80, beta carotene, natural (dairy and vegetable source) and artificial flavor, mixed tocopherols, coffee extract, whipping propellant (nitrous oxide), semi-sweet chocolate, sweetened condensed milk, butter, salt, pectin, artificial flavor (vanillin, ethyl vanillin), caramel color (with sulfites), potassium sorbate (preservative), dextrose, water, glycerin, hydrogenated coconut oil, food starch-modified, cream, natural (plant source) and artificial flavor, gellan gum, potassium sorbate (preservative).

Happy now?

Although I’m as much of a fan of McDonald’s original Mocha and Caramel Frappés as I am of filling co-workers cubicles with balloons while they’re on vacation, I can’t say the same about the chocolate chip version.

Look, the Frappé Chocolate Chip is well-blended, sweet, and refreshing, if you find yourself in temperatures higher than 85 degrees Fahrenheit, but the chocolate chips do two things that make this Frappé less appealing to me. One, they don’t help give the blended beverage a strong chocolate flavor to go along with the caramel flavor. The sweet caramel definitely wears the pants in the relationship. Two, they give the Frappé a weird texture.

If you’re one of those people who likes to crush the fine granules of ice between their molars, even though admitting so to your dentist would get you a proper verbal lashing about teeth enamel, sadly, the blended chocolate chips dampens the ice crushing, making it less satisfying for those of us who like to weaken our tooth enamel and pay for it later with dentists sticking drills into our mouths and filling the holes they made with metal or resin. But most of you probably don’t have the strange oral fixation of crushing ice with your teeth, so this issue won’t bother you.

Oh, but I do have good news if you’re one of those people who hates the taste of coffee, but wants a coffee drink. If that describes you, this Frappé is for you. Much like coffee being hard to find in the long paragraph of ingredients above, the coffee flavor in this Frappé is hard to taste. The chocolate, caramel, sugar, and cream hides the coffee as if it’s a flavor burka.

The McDonald’s McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip isn’t anything to get too excited about, unless you’ve just walked through 100 degree temperatures and are looking for anything to help cool you down.

(Nutrition Facts – Small Size/12 ounces – 530 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 74 grams of carbohydrates, 66 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Small/12 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you love coffee drinks, but hate the flavor of coffee, this is for you. Awesome if you love drizzles. Cool. Refreshing. Well blended.
Cons: Caramel wears the pants in this relationship. Will be sweet to some. Chocolate chips get in the way for us ice chewers. Summer heat. Weakened tooth enamel.

Something tells me Ronald McDonald and his bakers are getting bored. Like a child in trouble, flinging every excuse to see what sticks to the wall, this seems to be McDonald’s course of action in regards to its pies. I would kill for some of their international savory flavors such as tuna. And I love taro puffs when I rock out with dim sum (I’m channeling my inner Guy Fieri)…so a taro pie sounds right up my alley but those are not available in Florida. Until then, I will have to settle for S’mores.

You know that old saying, don’t judge a book by its cover? S’mores Pie is a limited edition re-release from McDonald’s and is a primary example of that very line. The pie is unsettling to look at because the visible chocolate from the open cut in the dough looks like a shiny poopie. It resembles the offspring from one of those delectable black & white cookies and a Pop-Tart.

I’m a sucker for McDonald’s pies and the flavors seem logical enough. Who doesn’t enjoy a S’more? It’s chocolate and toasted marshmallow. I always felt the graham cracker was the star of this campfire snack. With its slight (to me anyhow) hint of salt and cinnamon tones, those graham crackers were one of my earliest introductions to complex tastes.

I remember eating them out of the box watching reruns of Zoobilee Zoo, trying to figure out why I liked these so much and if it was weird I had a crush on that pink kangaroo lady. With McDonald’s offering a pie with a graham cracker crust, that was enough of a pitch for me. As stated before, the appearance was a bit disturbing and instinctively off-putting, so I glanced at it with a cautionary eye and hoped for the best.

However, the aroma emanating from the bag evoked memories of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen oven (or in my case, it reminded me of walking past The Great American Cookie as I entered the mall’s food court because Mom only baked sadness brownies and displaced anger cakes). The pleasant rich scent enveloped me and it only intensified in the car as the windows were up.

The pie was indeed warm which is just as important as the tangible ingredients making up this creation. I pulled into an empty space in the parking lot because I was afraid that I could not fully appreciate what Ronald offered me if it cooled off. I shimmied my blazer off and loosened my stock Van Heusen tie.

Buttery, dense and mercifully not too sweet, the chocolate fell closer to a dark one than a milk-chocolate which was good. I was surprised by the thickness of the marshmallow filling. It was not as light or fluffy as I thought it would be and creamier than I assumed. It was nice and I think there were some vanilla flavors from the marshmallow. It reminded me of scooping out a spoonful of Fluff from the jar. Combined, the chocolate and marshmallow almost had the sweet and savory team-up we all love so much.

Sadly, the appearance was not the only detractor. The graham cracker crust provided another negative point (not as bad as the humiliation tarts my Mom would bake). The dough was a bit too thick for my preference and worst, it was like a boring brown sugar cookie rather than a graham cracker. None of the characteristics unique to a graham cracker were present.

Pies are akin to a good marriage. At the risk of sounding something of a Lifetime Channel movie plot, both people need to cooperate and work to make that relationship successful. The same is with a pie’s filling and crust. They need to be in perfect harmony or it falls apart and unfortunately, the dough did me in. That’s too bad, really.

The pie is worth a one-time try for the delicious synthesis of its dense chocolate and marshmallow insides. As I sheepishly wiped the crumbs off my seat, I just felt the crust was awful enough to bring the entire thing down. The crust didn’t enhance the flavors and, even worse, it made me pine for one of those feelings of inadequacy cookies my Mom would force us to eat.

(Nutritional Facts – 290 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s S’mores Pie
Purchased Price: 75 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate is rich and dense. The chocolate and marshmallow combined is tasty. Memories of fresh baked goods. A warm pie, what’s not to love? Zoobilee Zoo.
Cons: The crust is thick and sad. Memories of fresh baked goods that originate from the food court in the mall. Not being able to buy a McDonald’s tuna pie here. Ben Vereen in Zoobilee Zoo always appeared annoyed.