All things considered, there’s really nothing stranger than walking into a Burger King and getting green ketchup. Scratch that. On second thought, walking into a vintage 1950s decorated Burger King with booths shaped like cars and getting green ketchup, while staring at an obnoxiously large LCD menu board pulled from The Jetsons, might just qualify.

These oddities notwithstanding, my purchase of a salad at Burger King clearly puts this scenario in the realm of the SyFy channel.

Burger King, as you’re probably well aware, is attempting to revamp its menu to draw closer to a certain fast food giant which boasts a smiling clown as its spokesman. Ditching its previous botox-injected spokesman of questionable royal bloodlines, Burger King has also revamped its menu to diversify its offering. How diverse are we talking? Lets just say it includes drinks that rhyme with how I’d assume the French to pronounce “crappy,” as well as lettuce. Lots and lots of lettuce.

Seven kinds to be exact, which, along with a whole bunch of other fun vegetables, are offered in the new B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad.

Putting on the man pants and ordering the $5.49 salad, I got the distinct impression that the staff of this particular Burger King doesn’t often prepare salads. I only say this because the girl taking my order had to check what exactly was in the salad when I asked her, and even after verification, presented me with a crouton packet, Caesar dressing, as well as a cup for soda — none of which should have been included in my order. Likewise, an essential component of the Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato acronym was missing, although five perfectly ripe and juicy grape tomatoes were delivered to me in an extra cup after half my salad was eaten and my own spelling shortcomings realized.

You’d think that after such an auspicious start I’d be loath to partake in this feast of classical “Health Halo” consequence, but in the interest of complete objectivity, I have to say it shows promise as permanent menu item. It starts with the chicken, which — while only offered to me in the grilled variety — had a seriously and none-to-fake chargrill taste. Moderately juicy and marinated in a lip-smacking glaze, it may have qualified as salty, but it didn’t come across as saline injected or overly enhanced.

The bacon, too, was quite good by fast food standards. Its thick and meaty with a dominant smoke flavor, although I’d prefer the pieces to have been reheated or freshly grilled, as to release some of that chewy fat into a glorious natural vinaigrette of bacon drippings. Such a scenario would have aided in the melting of these three-cheese blend, which while adding a moderate amount of flavor and salt, was otherwise just there.

I honestly was quite surprised in how much I enjoyed the dressing. Having only known one Ken in my life (the victim of childhood G.I. Joe raids on my sister’s Barbie gatherings) I didn’t know what to expect from Ken’s Avocado Ranch, but it manages to combine a fantastic buttermilk tang with a peppery and slightly sweet kick. While the 170 calories in a single pack won’t endear it to the diet crowd, it does serve its flavor purpose as a foil to the otherwise meaty and smokey overtones of the salad, which, after applying tomatoes, also received a hint of sweet relief to go with the buttery and bitter lettuce crunch. Were all seven lettuces present and accounted for? Well, having slept through most of my Plants in Civilization class during my senior year of college, I cannot verify this with absolute certainty. But there was clearly more than just iceberg, which for a dude buying a salad at Burger King is not half bad.

Clearly, Burger King has some work to do in the execution department of this salad. And while any review of a fast food salad begs the proverbial viability question in a market which can see me blow 500 calories for something cheaper and, to some extent, much more tasty, there is also something to be said for offering items that appeal to a larger audience. For the time being though, I’d make these suggestions:

1) Lighten up the dressing
2) Include more tomato
3) Get more from the red onions

If those three issues can be corrected then this salad is worth your time even if you’re not in the salad crowd. Heck, if the bacon can be rendered a bit further and served warm and crispy with fat drippings, then this salad is worth your time even if your definition of salad hereto now includes only the pickles and onions on your burger. But before any of this happens, Burger King has got to get its crews up to speed, and teach them to associate the “sculpted Roman head guy” with croutons, and the acronym B.L.T. with, among other things, tomatoes.

As for that interior decorating, I’ve seriously got nothing.

(Nutrition Facts – One salad with Tendergrill chicken and Avocado Ranch Dressing – 510 calories, 33 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,610 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Chicken B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad
Price: $5.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly flavorful and juicy chicken. Smokey and thick-cut, ribbony bacon. Ken’s Avocado Ranch gives all Kens a good name. Cheese is slightly melty. Tomatoes had good sweetness. Protein power.
Cons: Costs more than one of those Chefy burgers. Total assembly failage. Having to correct people at their jobs. A buttload of salt. Where the hell did that trans fat come from? Five tomatoes is too little. Curios interior decorating.

Update 8/25/23: This is a review of the previous wraps Burger King offered. If you want a review of the BK Royal Crispy Wrap, click here.

I just spent the last hour reading about trademarks on Wikipedia and the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) website. While staring at pages that had very little pictures, I learned about “trade dress” and “trade dilution.” However, I didn’t learn why Burger King can offer their new Ranch and Honey Mustard Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps when McDonald’s was first to offer Ranch and Honey Mustard Snack Wraps and owns the “Snack Wrap” trademark.

Well, I don’t know whether McDonald’s really owns the trademark because while using the USPTO’s Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS) I learned McDonald’s registered the Snack Wrap trademark in 2007, but also learned they abandoned the trademark in 2007. To be honest, I don’t know what any of that means.

Also, to be honest, I didn’t really spend an hour learning about trademarks. For 15 minutes I read about trademarks, got extremely bored, spent five minutes reading a Wikipedia entry about parkour, then wasted 15 minutes watching European parkour videos on YouTube, followed by six minutes of attempting parkour, and then spent 19 minutes on the ground in pain after tripping on a fence I tried to jump over.

But let’s not dwell on my poor athletic ability, but instead focus on whose Snack Wraps are better: McDonald’s or Burger King.

A McDonald’s Snack Wrap brings together one of their Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips with shredded lettuce, a shredded cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese blend, either McDonald’s ranch or honey mustard sauce, and a flour tortilla. Burger King’s Snack Wraps combine seven lettuces, one of their new Chicken Strips, a three-cheese medley, and either Ken’s Ranch Dressing or Ken’s Honey Mustard Dressing in a white flour tortilla.

Who’s Ken?

This is Ken.

After pulling out the Burger King Snack Wraps from their paper wrapping, I was surprised by how small they were. They were shorter than McDonald’s Snack Wraps. Because of their size, I felt the $2.29 I paid for each was a slight ripoff. Of course, here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we tend to have higher prices for things, so you’ll probably pay less than I did. But even at two dollars, these are still a little pricey since I pay $1.49 for a McDonald’s Snack Wrap.

Maybe it’s pricier because of the seven lettuces Burger King stuffed into each Snack Wrap. Or, in other words, it takes more green to make these Snack Wraps more green.

I’m sorry for the previous sentence.

However, in both Snack Wraps I purchased, I only counted only two different leafy vegetables. Mind you, I only know of three lettuces: dark green, light green, and red. However, even those two were a colorful step better than McDonald’s one iceberg lettuce. As for the cheese, it didn’t seem to do much to enhance the flavor and the flour tortilla was just like the one McDonald’s offers. I would like to say it would’ve been nice if the tortilla was warmed up.

The chicken strip in the Burger King Snack Wraps had a pleasant crispy exterior, but the meat inside was dry and a little tough. The chicken was marinated, and I could taste some of it while mowing through each Snack Wrap, but most of the Snack Wrap’s flavor comes from Ken’s dressings, which were tastier than their McDonald’s counterparts. Ken’s Honey Mustard had a stronger flavor and more mustard spiciness, while Ken’s Ranch Dressing was mild, but it still made the McDonald’s ranch sauce taste a little watered down.

So if I had to choose between Burger King’s and McDonald’s Snack Wraps, which would I choose? I’d have to pick the McDonald’s Snack Wraps, because their flavors aren’t vastly inferior compared with BK’s Snack Wraps, they’re cheaper, I have the option of getting grilled chicken, and they have fewer calories, fat, saturated fat, and sodium.

Update: Grilled chicken is now being offered. Grilled chicken was not available when this review was posted.

How much less do they have?

The McDonald’s Crispy Honey Mustard Snack Wrap has 330 calories, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, and 700 milligrams of sodium, while the Burger King Crispy Chicken Honey Mustard Snack Wrap has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, and 990 milligrams of sodium.

Overall, Burger King’s Snack Wraps are a tasty addition to the menu, even though they’re pretty much photocopied versions of McDonald’s Snack Wraps.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 snack wrap – Honey Mustard – 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein. Ranch – 370 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,060 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps (Honey Mustard and Ranch)
Price: $2.29 each
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Honey Mustard)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Ranch)
Pros: Really good Ken’s Honey Mustard. Decent Ken’s Ranch. Crispy chicken exterior. Watching parkour videos on YouTube. Vegetation variety.
Cons: Pricey. No grilled chicken option. More calories, fat, and sodium than McDonald’s Snack Wraps. Chicken meat was dry and a little tough. Photocopied versions of McDonald’s Snack Wraps. Learning about trademarks is boring.

I shall begin this review with the true story of how I ordered the new limited-time-only Burger King Bacon & Bleu and Bacon Cheddar BBQ BK Chef’s Choice Burgers.

When I ordered the new varieties, the employee who rang me up didn’t know what burgers I was talking about, even though on the large LCD screen behind her there was an image promoting all three BK Chef’s Choice Burgers. Unfortunately, the image was part of a slideshow of Burger King’s latest products and the new burgers weren’t anywhere else on the menu board, so when I pointed them out on the screen behind her and she turned her head to look, the image changed to something else. She then gave me a look that I’ve only seen when I ask people to pull my finger. She called over the manager who verified the new burgers and pointed them out on the register.

And that’s how I consumed almost a day’s worth of saturated fat and sodium in one meal.

As for the burgers themselves, I have to say they are the best looking major chain fast food burgers I’ve seen in real life. Okay, they still look nothing like their promotional photos, but they don’t look like the smashed blobs of meat, cheese, and bread that other burgers look like in real life. Of course, my burgers could’ve been made by the slowest and most careful BK employee in the company, so yours may not look like mine.

The Bacon & Bleu BK Chef’s Choice Burger consists of a 5.5-ounce flame-broiled premium ground chuck patty topped with naturally smoked hardwood bacon, Wisconsin buttermilk bleu cheese, romaine lettuce, red onions, tomatoes, and mayo on an artisan-style bun. Maybe it’s the addition of the bleu cheese, but this burger sounds more deserving of the title “Chef’s Choice” than the Bacon Cheddar BBQ one.

The bleu cheese wasn’t crumbled cheese sprinkled on top of the burger, it was more of a chunky bleu cheese spread. I prefer this since the crumbles fell out of other bleu cheese burgers I’ve tried. Although the layer of bleu cheese didn’t look like much, it did pack quite a punch, so much so that it taste bud-blocked almost every other ingredients. The thick bacon slices tasted like bleu cheese. The lettuce, red onions, and tomatoes tasted like bleu cheese. A little bit of the beef patty’s flavor hit my taste buds, but it was mostly bleu cheese. The bleu cheese also made the burger taste really salty. I know. I know. Fast food burger = salty. But, it made this burger taste especially salty. In order to finish it, I had to scrape off the bleu cheese.

My taste buds had a much better experience with the Bacon Cheddar BBQ Chef’s Choice Burger, which is made up of the same beef patty, bacon, lettuce, tomato, red onions, mayo, and bun as the Bacon & Bleu, but also includes two slices of cheddar cheese and a BBQ sauce. The BBQ sauce is the same stuff found in BK’s Western BBQ Topper burger, which I found tasty. Speaking of ingredients found in the Western BBQ Topper, I really wish the Bacon Cheddar BBQ BK Chef’s Choice Burger also had onion rings.

I’ve complained several times on this blog about flavorless bacon in fast food burgers and cheese being used more as a glue to keep the burger together instead of flavor enhancement, but the thick hardwood bacon slices and mild cheddar cheese in this burger surprised me since I could actually taste both. The beef patty was dry, which is par for the course when it comes to fast food burgers, but I just like with the regular BK Chef’s Choice Burger I enjoyed the flavor of the patty. Overall, it’s a really tasty burger, thanks to the BBQ sauce, meat, cheese, and bacon combination, and it’s my favorite of the three BK Chef’s Choice Burger varieties.

While I didn’t really care for the Bacon & Bleu and enjoyed the Bacon Cheddar BBQ, there’s something that really bothered me about both burgers — the inclusion of mayonnaise. It’s completely unnecessary in either burger when both contain a topping that provides a lot of flavor (i.e. bleu cheese and BBQ sauce). The mayonnaise’s flavor is nonexistent in both burgers, so why include it? Is it there to make sure the lettuce doesn’t fall out? If not, all it really does is include more fat and sodium to burgers that already have a lot of both.

I don’t know if you can still have it your way at Burger King, but if you can, I’d suggest getting the Bacon Cheddar BBQ BK Chef’s Choice Burger without mayo and the Bacon & Bleu BK Chef’s Choice Burger without mayo and less bleu cheese.

(Nutrition Facts – Bacon & Bleu – 760 calories, 51 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,310 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein. Bacon Cheddar BBQ – 820 calories, 56 grams of fat, 22 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,800 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, and 40 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King BK Chef’s Choice Burgers (Bacon & Bleu and Bacon Cheddar BBQ)
Price: $6.99 (sandwich only)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Bacon & Bleu)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bacon Cheddar BBQ)
Pros: Tasty BBQ sauce. Tasty beef patties. Nicest looking fast food burgers I’ve seen in real life. Awesome sources of protein. Thick slices of bacon. I could taste the cheese and bacon!
Cons: Pricey. Dry beef patties. Bleu cheese overwhelms all other ingredients and makes the burger super salty. Dear Lord that’s a lot of sodium and saturated fat. Mayo was unnecessary. The number of times I typed “blue” instead of “bleu” while writing this review.