REVIEW: New Burger King French Fries (2011)

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New Burger King Fries (2011)

Some people love Burger King French fries, I’m not one of them. In fact, I believe it’s the third worst way for a potato to meet its end, right behind getting potato blight and being turned into Pringles.

As I’ve confessed in previous French fry reviews and to Ronald McDonald at knifepoint, I’m a McDonald’s fry guy and think they’re far superior than fries from other major fast food chains. They’re so far ahead of the competition, they’re like Tiger Woods before all the hookers.

Over the past several years, some of the major fast food chain have released new versions of their deep fried potato sticks. Jack in the Box has done it twice, Wendy’s did it last year, and now Burger King has introduced their new French fries.

What’s new about Burger King’s fries? According to the company, they’re thicker, have a better potato flavor, and have 20 percent less sodium than their previous fries. So what they’re basically saying in a press releases’ worth of words is that their old fries sucked. And they’re absolutely correct. They had a weak potato flavor, they weren’t salty enough, and, my goodness, what the hell was up with that starchy coating that made the fries seem a little unnatural.

But Burger King’s old fries are now in the past, joining their old old fries that were available until the mid-1990s. So what about Burger King’s new fries. Are they better than their old fries? Also, are they better than McDonald’s fries?

Well, I’m happy to say Burger King’s new fries are an improvement, but it’s slight. If you liked the flavor of Burger King’s old fries, you’ll enjoy these because they pretty much taste the same and they have the same starchy coating to keep them crispy and hot for longer. The potato flavor is slightly enhanced, but I really was expecting more. And, while having 20 percent less sodium than Burger King’s previous fries helps blood pressure, it doesn’t help with the flavor.

Also while I’m talking about sodium, can someone explain to me how it’s possible for Burger King’s fries to not have much of a salty flavor, even though they have significantly more sodium than McDonald’s fries, which have a wonderful saltiness to them. A small-value serving of Burger King’s new fries has 330 milligrams of sodium, while a small serving of McDonald’s fries has only 160 milligrams. Heck, a large McDonald’s fries has 350 milligrams of sodium. This blows my mind.

New Burger King Fries (2011) Innards

Perhaps the most noticeable difference Burger King’s old and new fries is that the new fries are thicker, which obviously makes them appear more substantial than other fast food fries. But I have a problem with Burger King putting their new bigger fries in the same Frypods and sleeves Burger King put their old fries in. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel kind of gypped getting less fries.

Burger King’s new fries are thicker, but are they better than McDonald’s fries? Oh, hell no.

The thing about McDonald’s fries is that they’re addictive, like potato chips. It’s hard to stop eating them. They have a flavor that’s robust enough that it doesn’t need ketchup. When I run out of McDonald’s fries, a part of me feels sad and wishes I had more. These are things I’ve never felt towards Jack in the Box, Wendy’s, or any of the Burger King fries, even these new ones.

But, again, I have to say Burger King’s new fries are an improvement over their old fries. It’s a slight improvement, but it might be enough for me to consider being turned into Burger King fries the fourth worst way for a potato to meet its end, right behind getting blasted into a wall with a potato gun.

(Nutrition Facts – Medium size – 410 calories, 18 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 570 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: New Burger King French Fries (2011)
Price: Part of Whopper Jr. value meal
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Thicker fries. A slightly improved potato flavor. Starchy coating makes the fries crunchy and hot for longer. There’s 20 percent less sodium than Burger King’s previous fries. McDonald’s fries.
Cons: Tastes almost exactly like their old fries. Doesn’t even come close to being as good as McDonald’s fries. Has less sodium, but still much more than McDonald’s fries. Starchy coating makes the fries seem unnatural. Potato blight

REVIEW: Subway Western Egg & Cheese

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Subway Western Egg & Cheese Closeup

Right now, I’m chillin’ like a villain who gave every superhero an ass whippin’ because I just ate what I consider to be one of the best Subway sandwiches I’ve ever had — their Western Egg & Cheese.

I don’t understand how a sandwich so simple could stimulate my taste buds in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time with a Subway sandwich. The Western Egg & Cheese consists of only ham, cheese, eggs, red onions, and green bell peppers in between a flatbread.

I’m surprised it didn’t come with some kind of barbecue sauce, because if eating fast food has taught me anything besides eating fast food is bad for me, it’s that any fast food item with “western” in its name must have barbecue sauce, like the Burger King Western BBQ Cheeseburger and Hardee’s Western Bacon Thickburger. But, again, it doesn’t have any, nor does Subway offer barbecue sauce, so it appears they’re breaking one of the cardinal rules of fast food.

Since there’s no barbecue sauce, I wondered why Subway called it the Western Egg & Cheese. To find out, I put on my cowboy hat and leather chaps, which were probably unnecessary because finding out didn’t involve riding a horse, or even going outside. It just involved me, a computer, and Google.

Subway Western Egg & Cheese Closerup

It turns out there’s a dish called the Western omelet, which is filled with ham, onions, and green bell peppers. I didn’t know about it because I know it as the Denver omelet. If I was a foodie, I probably would’ve known that Western and Denver omelets are the same. Also, if I was a foodie, I probably wouldn’t eat a Subway Western Egg & Cheese, instead I would turn up my nose at Subway and head to a weird part of town where there’s a quaint, hole-in-the-wall sandwich shop that has many five star reviews on Yelp, crappy parking, and for some reason is closed on Tuesdays.

I’ve eaten enough Subway sandwiches to span across the length of several football fields, and with most of them they need mayo, mustard, or some kind of sauce to make them palatable. But with the Western Egg & Cheese no liquid condiment is necessary. The red onions and bell peppers do a wonderful job of giving the sandwich flavor, but not overpowering the cheese, ham, and egg. The flatbread is tasty, warm, and soft, but doesn’t fall apart easily like other flatbreads.

Sure, the eggs patties they use look unnatural and look like they came from a giant egg from the Flintstones, and a Western Egg & Cheese footlong has over 2,400 milligrams of sodium, but even with those faults, I still think it’s a really good Subway sandwich.

Item: Subway Western Egg & Cheese
Price: $6.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 6″ with egg whites – 350 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,200 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 24 grams of protein

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Cookies

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Jack in the Box Mini Cookies

It may seem weird for a burger joint, like Jack in the Box, to have mini cookies on their menu board. But, to me, it really isn’t. It’s not weird for two reasons.

1. Jack in the Box is known for having items on their menu that don’t seem like they should be on there, like egg rolls, mini churros, and their Chicken Teriyaki Bowl.

2. McDonald’s has been selling cookies for decades. Anyone remember McDonaldland Cookies?

What is weird to me is that the Jack in the Box Mini Cookies weren’t deep fried. I was totally expecting Jack in the Box to prepare these mini chocolate chip cookies with candy coated chocolate the same way they produce their tacos. I also assumed they were deep fried because I’m pretty sure every Jack in the Box kitchen lacks a conventional oven.

To be honest, I’m really disappointed these cookies weren’t dunked in hot oil, because, man, they would’ve been soooo crispy. Instead, the Jack in the Box Mini Cookies were warm, soft, and served to me within four minutes, so I think they were microwaved.

If they were microwaved, I’m fine with that because I’ve nuked my fair share of Chips Ahoy cookies over the years to make them feel like they were fresh out of the oven instead of fresh out of a resealable package. I’ve also nuked my fair share of frozen meals, marshmallow Peeps, and bars of soap.

I’ve also ruined my fair share of microwave ovens.

The Jack in the Box Mini Cookies were as good as microwaved Chips Ahoy cookies. Depending on your feelings towards Chips Ahoy cookies, it makes them either them awesome, awful, or average. I like microwaved Chips Ahoy cookies, but I don’t think they’re awesome, they’re just average, and I feel the same about Jack in the Box’s mini cookies.

There’s a good amount of chocolate in each mini cookie, so if you eat them warm, they’re pleasantly gooey. They’re definitely chocolatier than regular Chips Ahoy cookies, but they taste just as cheap.

However, they should taste cheap, because Jack in the Box’s Mini Cookies are loose change cheap. For a buck and a half, I got five mini cookies that are each about 80 percent the size of a regular Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookie. Seriously, if I stole a begging cup from a panhandler who uses the money only for alcohol, I not only would I give that beggar’s liver a short break, there would be enough coins in it for me to buy some mini cookies.

(Nutrition Facts – 311 calories, 124 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 83 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Cookies
Price: $1.49 (most other locations offer it for $1)
Size: 5 mini cookies
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. One of the cheapest items on the Jack in the Box menu. Chocolatey. Served warm and gooey. Watching bars of soap being microwaved. McDonaldland Cookies.
Cons: I’m disappointed they were not deep fried. Not awesome, but just average. Probably not baked in a conventional oven. I’m seriously disappointed they were not deep fried. Finding the room in my belly for cookies after eating a burger, fries, and 20-ounce soda.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack

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Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack

You know how you’re not supposed to play with food? Well, how the hell can I contain myself from playing with the Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack? Its flatness makes me want to bust out my die-cast toy planes and turn it into an aircraft carrier called the USS TSS (Triple Steak Stack). Also, because it’s flat and has a light exterior, I want to pretend its Barbie’s waif Russian supermodel friend, Katherina, who likes to go shopping with Barbie during the day, but is a secret KGB spy at night.

The list of ingredients for Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack isn’t very long, although, because I feel sorry for its lack of ingredients, I’m going to try to make it look longer than it really is by using the power of unnecessary words. The Triple Steak Stack contains a triple serving of marinated steak and a triple cheese blend of low moisture part skim mozzarella cheese, pasteurized process Monterey Jack cheese, and American cheese in between a nine-inch bolillo flatbread.

With a limited number of ingredients, I expected Taco Bell’s newest addition to be bland, and it turns out I was correct. Taco Bell’s “improved” steak may be an upgrade over what they used to serve, but it still tastes like cheap meat. How cheap? It tastes like the roast beef and gravy from a 99 cent frozen meal. However, that cheap meat was tender and the triple serving of steak was enough to nicely fill the nine-inch flatbread.

Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack Innards

The cheese just lies there like its Jabba the Hut after being choked by Princess Leia and it adds almost nothing to the Triple Steak Stack’s flavor. Speaking of things that don’t have much flavor, the bolillo flatbread was not only quite bland, it was also not sturdy enough to handle the amount of steak in it. The soft, but thick flatbread easily felt apart while I ate it.

If you’re going to eat the Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack, might I suggest asking for extra Taco Bell sauce packets on top of the handful they already give you, because you’re going to need a lot of sauce to cover the taste of the cheap meat and to spread across the nine-inch flatbread. I’d also suggest taking more money than you usually do when visiting Taco Bell. Five bucks will usually get you a full Taco Bell meal, but that same five dollars will get you only one Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack.

Video Review

(Nutrition Facts – 690 calories, 120 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,950 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 46 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack
Price: $6.49 ($4.99 at most locations)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s long. Lots of tender marinated steak. Awesome source of protein. Makes me want to play with my food.
Cons: Bland. Pricey. Steak tastes cheap. Cheese and flatbread bring very little flavor. Going to need a lot of Taco Bell sauce packets to give it some flavor. Flatbread not sturdy enough to handle the steak in it.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer

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Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer

I’m a little skeptical the limited time only Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer smoothie has the ability to cheer me up. After all, I have yet to bust a cold with Jamba’s Coldbuster, achieve nirvana by drinking their Strawberry Nirvana, or get horny while sucking down a Caribbean Passion smoothie, even when I’m also sucking on a Peach Pleasure at the same time.

By the way, sucking on two Jamba Juice smoothies at the same time is called a méjamba trois.

If there ever was a time to test the Apple Cinnamon Cheer’s ability to turn my frown upside down, it would be now, because it’s raining outside, I just found out my favorite T-shirt has a hole in it, NBC’s Community isn’t on the network’s midseason schedule, and I just found out Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are divorcing, which means, if they can’t make it, it doesn’t give me hope for me and Cloris Leachman.

While I have my doubts that Jamba Juice could blend a smoothie that brings me cheer, there’s also a part of me that thinks it might be possible because if there are two things that can bring a smile to my face it’s the combination of apples and cinnamon. If warm apple pie à la mode doesn’t bring a smile to your face, you either have no heart, are allergic to cinnamon, or you’re Snow White and you’ve never gotten over your fear apples.

The Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer smoothie contains apple-strawberry juice, soy milk, cinnamon, an apple cinnamon base, frozen yogurt, bananas, peaches, and ice. It’s not surprising to see Jamba Juice use cinnamon in their latest smoothie since cinnamon is a common flavor during the fall season. It’s just as common during these fall months as two other ingredients found in the smoothie — tropical bananas and summer peaches.

Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer Closeup

The smoothie looks like applesauce, or if you hang out in the aisles filled with Gerber bottles, it may also look like baby food. However, I assure you it tastes better than applesauce and much better than baby food. Jamba Juice’s Apple Cinnamon Cheer tastes as if someone left an apple pie on a windowsill for too long on a frigid day, a passerby steals the pie, gets rid of the crust, dumps the innards of the pie into a blender, blends it, then dumps the contents into a cup, and sucks it through straw. Or if you prefer the shorter version, it tastes like the filling of an apple pie, which is the best part of the dessert.

The Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer smoothie is really good and I have to say that its cinnamon flavor did cheer me up. But, that happiness quickly went away after I sucked out the last of the smoothie. So like any pharmaceutical upper, I guess I have to keep sucking on an Apple Cinnamon Cheer to maintain some level of cheeriness. But, I don’t mind because I could see myself getting brain freezes regularly from it, whether I drink it by itself or joining Caribbean Passion, Peach Pleasure, and me for a méjamba quatre.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Power Size/30 ounces – 630 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 145 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 122 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 50% vitamin C, and 15% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer
Price: $5.95
Size: Power (30 ounces)
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like apple pie filling. Brought me cheer while drinking it. Looks like applesauce. Nice cinnamon flavor. Méjamba trois brain freezes. NBC’s Community. Apple pie à la mode.
Cons: A cold smoothie might not be appropriate for some to have during the fall/winter months. Cheer went away after drinking it. Looks like baby food. Limited time only. Have yet to bust a cold with a Coldbuster smoothie.