Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas (Mango, Peach & Raspberry)

Marvo 26 Comments

(Note: Please read this letter with a Southern accent.)

To My Dearest Jacqueline D. Box,

It has been a long time since I had an opportunity to write to you as I have been occupied by the hassles of our country’s Civil War. I feel impelled to write a correspondence to you because I sense that death may soon be upon me and the thousands of men who fight alongside me. Your rain of letters bring sunshine to my days of fighting those from the North. I again apologize that I am not able to reciprocate an equal amount of correspondence. It is quite good to hear about every minuscule moment in your life and because I keep your extensive book-length letters near my heart, you have prevented the enemy’s ammunition from striking my body.

Oh, how my war-battered heart yearns for your warm embrace, tender kisses, ample bosom and your Jacqueline D. Box Flavored Iced Teas. The battlefield on a Southern summer day is like what I imagine the pits of fire and brimstone in hell feel like and when my throat is dry from all the yelling as we charge the Union soldiers, which I don’t really understand because it lets the enemy know where we are, all I desire is you and either your refreshing mango, raspberry or peach iced teas made with fresh-brewed tea.

Although, to be honest, since I may never gaze upon your round, joyful face again, I don’t really care for your mango flavored iced tea because it tastes like a sweet vegetable and not at all like the exotic tropical fruit of mango whose flavor makes my taste buds tingle with delight.

However your raspberry and peach flavored iced teas make my heart skip a beat and refreshes me like a plunge into the cooling waters of Old Harper’s Lake on a blistering summer’s day. I don’t know how you are able to create such delightful refreshments. I could drink them both relentlessly until I burst at the seams. Both beverages have just the right amount of flavor, without being too sweet, giving them a satisfying balance of fruit and tea flavor. Just writing about it in this correspondence makes me desire it even more. Not even this cup of water from great Mississippi River can quench my thirst like your flavored iced teas can.

But alas, my love, I fear for the worst and may never sample your flavored iced tea ever again.

Jacqueline, if I do not return, do not think we shall not meet again. For if you feel warmth when you are cold or a cool breeze on a July afternoon, it shall be my spirit watching over you, protecting you and scaring away any possible suitors.

Your dearest,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – Mango – 83 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Raspberry – 78 calories, 0 grams of fat, 12 milligrams of sodium, 119 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Peach – 82 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas
Price: $1.99 each
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10 (mango)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (peach)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (raspberry)
Pros: Peach and raspberry flavors were extremely refreshing. Made with fresh-brewed tea. Healthier alternative than most drinks available at Jack in the Box. Perfect balance of fruit and tea. Came in bigger cups than I thought.
Cons: The mango flavor disappointed because tastes like a sweet vegetable. Doesn’t come in a variety of colors like their promotional pictures. The syrup the use might settle to the bottom, so remember to stir before drinking. Not sure if the tea provides any health benefits.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze

Kayla 17 Comments

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it’s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think that’s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyone’s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.

Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “That’s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You won’t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance. Instead, you’ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.

The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bell’s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, let’s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then there’s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.

Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I won’t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didn’t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I haven’t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bell’s version fulfilled my pina colada desires.

The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when you’re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, it’s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bell’s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Size: 479 grams
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90’s toys. Fat free.
Cons: No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss

Marvo 19 Comments

If you’re a botanist, or studying to become one, I would like to ask a simple favor from you. How about some muthafuckin’ seedless blackberries so that I can actually enjoy the Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss without having to endure the scratchy feel of blackberry seeds going down my throat?

If farmers can breed seedless watermelons and grapes, then why can’t they do the same with blackberries.

Seriously. Whose stamen do I have to suck to make this happen?

I know blackberry seeds are high in nutrients, like omega-3 fats, protein and fiber, but do you know what else they’re high in? Annoyance.

They can get stuck in between teeth, become lodged in other nooks and crannies in my mouth or cause pain if expelled though my nose because I was sucking on a Blackberry Bliss while reading something really funny, which I’m pretty sure won’t be anything in the Sunday funnies or on the Hallmark Movie Channel. Although I believe it’s possible to shoot seeds out of my nose by crying hard, so perhaps I should stay away from the tear-jerking Hallmark Movie Channel.

The Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss is made up of an apple-strawberry juice blend, frozen blueberries, frozen strawberries, plain sorbet, ice, frozen blackberries and raspberry sherbet, like the kind u find in a grocery store.

If it weren’t for the seeds, I think the Blackberry Bliss would give me some pleasure since it’s a cold smoothie and the temperature inside Impulsive Buy’s headquarters (i.e. my apartment) is about 89 degrees. It has a decent berry flavor, but the blackberry doesn’t stand out. However its color does, which gives the smoothie its dark purple hue that goths will love. It’s not as tart as I thought it was going to be since it contains blueberries and blackberries, but it’s also not as sweet as some of Jamba Juice’s other blended concoctions.

The Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss lands nowhere on my list of favorite flavors and I don’t see myself buying another unless I really want to count the number of seeds in an original size serving or, thanks to my stamen sucking, someone comes up with seedless blackberries.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 380 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 600 milligrams of potassium, 91 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 80 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 10% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss
Price: $4.59
Size: 24-ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent berry flavor. Botany jokes. Not as tart as I thought it was going to be. Lame Prince references. Pretty dark purple color. Cold smoothies + hot weather = refreshing.
Cons: Lots of muthafuckin’ SEEDS!!! Blackberries don’t stand out. Not as sweet as other Jamba Juice smoothies. Shooting seeds out of my nose. Having to suck on stamens to get someone to create seedless blackberries.

REVIEW: Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream (Butterscotch & Chocolate)

Marvo 20 Comments

Without knowing it Cold Stone Creamery, with their JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream, created a new idiom to express boredom to go along with watching paint dry and watching grass grow. Now whenever you have to watch something boring, like C-SPAN, you can say it’s like watching Cold Stone Creamery’s JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream melt, because it takes a while for this decadent dessert to do so.

According to Cold Stone Creamery, their new Jello Pudding Ice Cream doesn’t melt, instead it turns into pudding. I tested their claim by sticking in a bowl a spoonful of the butterscotch pudding ice cream and a spoonful of the chocolate pudding ice cream. Then I set up a video camera and let nature take its course.

I shot the pudding ice cream action for an hour, but through the magic of speeding up video, editing and strategically placed video transitions, you can watch all the sexy pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action in under two minutes.  Although I should warn you that sexy pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action is 100 times less sexier than it sounds.

As you can see from the video, the pudding ice cream doesn’t melt into a liquid, instead it does what Cold Stone Creamery said it would do, which is turn into pudding.  And watching that happen is like watching paint dry on growing grass.

For the experiment, I used the chocolate and butterscotch flavors of the Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream, but in some locations they also offer vanilla and banana flavors. Like my armpit hairs, I kept my pudding ice cream au naturel and didn’t add anything to be mixed in. The texture of the pudding ice cream is definitely not like any other ice cream I’ve had. It’s soft and pliable, like a Russian gymnast, and it doesn’t get hard, making it easy to scoop. When I put it in my mouth, it starts off with a texture similar to ice cream, but after a few seconds in my warm mouth it changes into a feel that’s more like pudding, albeit kind of a really gooey, slightly chewy pudding.

I think the chocolate flavor tastes very similar to a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae, a belief that Cold Stone may not agree with since they are a premium ice cream maker and not a cheap ass burger maker. But I really like the Hot Fudge Sundaes from the House of Ronald, so I really like the flavor of the chocolate pudding ice cream. As for the butterscotch flavor, it also is also very good. It has a nice gold color and a delightful butterscotch flavor that tastes like I’m sucking on a hard butterscotch candy.

Overall, I enjoyed both flavors of the Cold Stone Creamery Jello Pudding Ice Cream. They’re rich and creamy and they have really great flavor. The texture of the pudding ice cream may throw off some people and the extremely high saturated fat content might scare a few, but it’s definitely something that’s interesting to try.

Although it’s definitely not interesting to watch as it melts.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Love It – Butterscotch – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 64 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A and 15% calcium. Chocolate – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 62 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream (Butterscotch & Chocolate)
Price: $4.59 each
Size: Love It (about 8 ounces)
Purchased at: Cold Stone Creamery
Rating: 7 out of 10 (chocolate)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (butterscotch)
Pros: Both flavors are really good. Chocolate flavor tastes like a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae. Butterscotch flavor tastes like I’m sucking on a hard butterscotch candy. Texture is interesting. It doesn’t melt, it just turns into pudding. My armpit hair will keep my armpits warm.
Cons: After a few seconds in my mouth it has a gooey, slightly chewy pudding texture that might turn people off. Extremely high in saturated fat content. Watching grass grow. Watching paint dry. Watching paint dry on growing grass. Watching the Cold Stone Creamery Jello Pudding Ice Cream melt. Pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action is 100 times less sexier than it sounds.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches

Marvo 24 Comments

If Jack in the Box are “herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they’re cattle” for their Mini Sirloin Burgers, then I wonder what they’re using for their new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches.

Oh wait…Could it be?

Tweety Bird! Nooooooooooo!

It looks like Jack was able to do what Sylvester the Cat couldn’t. Sufferin’ Succotash! It seems like for Tweety, it’s Th-Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks! I guess instead of the puddy tat, Tweety taw a puddy Jack!

Aaaah, Looney Tunes references — so 1950s.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches comes in a pack of three and each is made up of white meat homestyle chicken filets, a drizzle of lettuce, ranch sauce and Frank’s RedHot Sauce. I don’t know Frank, nor do I know the reason why he made RedHot a compound word, but I do know that the sauce is tasty, although it wasn’t as redhot as I hoped. The lack of redheat might’ve been caused by the addition of the whitecool ranch dressing, which if that’s the case, would be a shame for those who really enjoy the redspice of buffalo sauce.

The lack of heat also might’ve been caused by the semi-conservative use of Frank’s RedHot Sauce on each mini chicken sandwich. While I could taste the sauce, I really wish they dipped the chicken filets in the sauce, like they were Salem witches, instead of just topping them. I think doing that might make up for the unnecessary gram of trans fat per mini sandwich. The ranch sauce, while quite visible when pulling back the top bun, wasn’t noticeable flavor-wise, the chicken filets were slightly tough and the lettuce was just there, like the stiff-bodied person on the bottom of a sexual position who is having no fun or significantly less fun than their partner on top.

Overall, I thought the Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches were decent, but they don’t come close to being as tasty as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. I guess, for some reason, cows the size of schnauzers seem to taste better than Tweety Bird.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 738 calories, 27 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 51 milligrams of cholesterol, 1877 milligrams of sodium, 461 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 31 grams of protein.)

(Note: The commercial for it is below.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Frank’s RedHot Sauce was tasty. Looney Tunes references for older people. Photoshopping. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers. Perfect if you love sodium.
Cons: I didn’t like them as much as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. Could’ve used more sauce. Frank’s RedHot Sauce wasn’t as redhot as I would’ve liked. Ranch sauce wasn’t noticeable. Chicken filets were a little tough. The use of lettuce. Three grams of trans fat. High in sodium. Looney Tunes references for younger people.