REVIEW: Burger King California Whopper

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Burger King California Whopper

The Burger King California Whopper is not a new product.

In the United States, it’s been available exclusively at BK Whopper Bars since 2009 (Warning: Automatic music playing website), and last year it was available throughout the fast food hungry countries of Norway, Sweden and Denmark.

I find it a bit strange that California didn’t get to experience the California Whopper before the Scandanavians did. I’m not one for conspiracies, but it’s as if the United States-based Burger King, wanted to knock Sweden and Denmark out of the Top 10 World’s Healthiest Countries so that the United States, which is the 11th healthiest country in the world, can sneak into the top ten.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

But, of course, a conspiracy to get the United States to move into the top 10 healthiest countries in the world can’t be true. Besides, the Burger King California Whopper is now available to all Americans, so just like a person who ate a large-sized Burger King Whopper value meal, the United States won’t be moving anywhere anytime soon.

To make a California Whopper, Burger King takes their regular Whopper; leaves out the ketchup, pickles, and onions; and replaces them with bacon, swiss cheese, and guacamole. The green Mexican dip made from avocados is the only ingredient that allows this burger to be called the California Whopper.

At first, I thought it’s called the California Whopper because guacamole is Mexican and there are a lot of Mexicans in California. But then I realized that might be a little racist. Thankfully, I found out California produces 95 percent of the country’s avocados and Fallbrook, California claims itself to be the “Avocado Capital of the World.” So the avocados in the guacamole is the reason why it’s called the California Whopper.

Burger King California Whopper Innards

As for the amount of guacamole in the California Whopper, there’s a lot of it. So much so that if Ghostbusters 3 ever comes to fruition, Burger King should do a movie tie-in using the California Whopper, but renaming it to the Ecto Whopper, because with the amount of guacamole it has, it looks like it’s been slimed. But despite it oozing guacamole everywhere, its flavor is subdued enough that, at times, it’s almost like I’m eating a regular Whopper.

Taco Bell makes a better tasting guacamole.

Shit. I never thought I’d type that sentence above EVER.

That’s how little I think of Burger King’s guacamole. When one makes a guacamole that’s worse than Taco Bell’s, they should be running towards the border and past it…so that they can learn how to make a better guacamole. Perhaps add some onion flavor. Or a little more salt. Or a little bit of spice.

I sound upset, because I am upset. I really wanted to love this burger, because I love guacamole. I wanted to get fat from this burger. I wanted my doctor to tell me I should stop eating them. I wanted it to be my only source of polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats, along with saturated and trans fats.

Not even the other ingredients in the burger help. The swiss cheese doesn’t add anything. And the bacon is typical fast food bacon that, despite being called “crispy” in every promo, is never crispy and hardly brings any flavor. I really wish fast food companies would tinker with their bacon instead of their french fries.

Look, I know I just used the last 265 words to rant about the Burger King California Whopper, but I sort of liked it whenever I could taste a little guacamole. Do I feel like it could’ve been better? Oh, hell yes! But I also realize my expectations for it (Whopper = YUM! Guacamole = YUM! Whopper + Guacamole = YUM! YUM!) were probably too high and that I shouldn’t expect Burger King to make a burger that moves me as much as the San Andreas Fault moves California.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 California Whopper – 820 calories, 500 calories from fat, 56 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1400 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Other California Whopper reviews:
Tampa Bay Food Monster
Grub Grade
Fat Guy Food Blog

Item: Burger King California Whopper
Price: $5.99 (sandwich only)
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: I kind of liked it, but it could’ve been so much better. Smooth guacamole. Lots of guacamole. Flame-broiled patties. Avocados are a great source for poly- and monounsaturated fats. U-S-A!
Cons: Guacamole needed more flavor. Bacon was useless. Cheese was useless. Pricey for just the sandwich. Not being able to watch Ghostbusters 3. There’s a guacamole worse than Taco Bell’s. Saturated and trans fats negating the poly- and monounsaturated fats.

REVIEW: McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade

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McDonald's McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade

If I didn’t have a calendar, all I would have to do is see what McDonald’s is offering in order to figure out what time of the year it is. When they release their Holiday Pie, I know it’s fall. When the Shamrock Shake is available, I know spring is right around the corner. And, whenever the McRib is offered for a limited time, I know it’s that time of year when I eat a McRib and then think to myself, “Nope, it’s still horrible.”

But now, I have the McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade to let me know summer is near. Although, I think it’s a permanent addition to the McCafe menu, so I may think it’s summer all the time. But then again, I do live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it pretty much always has nice beach weather.

The McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is made by pouring blended frozen lemonade into a cup with strawberry syrup. As the lemonade slush is poured into the cup, the strawberry syrup mixes with some it, creating a swirling pattern. After the two are put together in a cup, they aren’t completely mixed together to blend all the flavors. That mixing is up to you, the straw that’s included, and your wrists.

However, I think McDonald’s doesn’t want you to mix the two because it’s kind of hard to do so with the included straw and because that swirling pattern looks so pretty before the heavier strawberry syrup settles to the bottom of the cup. But, I’d recommend fusing the two flavors together because when the strawberry goop comes to rest at the cup’s bottom, a sweet strawberry shot is what you’ll be tasting with every suck from your straw, leaving you with less of the syrup to slightly neutralize the tartness of the lemonade slush.

If you owned a box of crayons as a child, you know red and white make pink, while red and yellow make orange. But get ready to have your primary colored world turned upside down because thoroughly combining the yellow lemonade slush with the red strawberry syrup turns the McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade pink. It’s what Hello Kitty would drink if she wanted brain freeze.

Looking past the weird color anomaly, the McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is tasty and refreshing. The ice crystals have a satisfying crunch and create a fluffy slushie. The tart blended frozen lemonade is front and center and the strawberry syrup moderately turns down the tartness, but in the process the strawberry flavor is nearly non-existent. So, basically, McDonald’s should’ve called this slushy beverage the McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Lemonade That’ll Turn Pink If You Mix It.

But, as tasty and refreshing as it was, I had trouble finishing the entire 16-ounce cup. Because, at a point the lemonade got annoyingly tart and the drink as a whole got annoyingly sweet. Thank goodness for freezers because I can enjoy the leftovers later by throwing it at the faces of glee club members.

Overall, the McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is a pleasant reminder that summer is near.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 270 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 67 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 310% vitamin C.)

Item: McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade
Price: $2.59
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A tasty and refreshing reminder that summer is near. Fat free. Awesome amount of vitamin C. Swirling pattern is pretty. Shamrock Shakes.
Cons: Not enough strawberry flavor. Becomes hard to finish since it gets to be annoyingly tart and sweet. You have to do the mixing. Breaks the laws of primary colors.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger

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Carl's Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger

There used to be a Carl’s Jr. in my neighborhood that was the definition of foul. You know what I’m talking about – that fluorescent-bulb buzzing, greasy-smelling, un-swept trash on the floor, poorly-lit parking-lot-mugging sort of joint. Not being a big fast food eater, I didn’t have a reason to go there very often, but despite this, I ate there exactly twice. Both times, it was after midnight, I was starving after a cross-country plane trip where there had been no meals, and I had refused to pay the inflated airport price for sub-par food. (I’m looking at YOU, LAX McDonald’s!!!) The burgers I consumed from Carl’s Jr. were greasy, bloated and messy — pretty typical fare, and not the worst thing if you’re famished, but I always felt like I was doing a real disservice to my arteries, waistline, lymph nodes, etc.

That being said, I really wanted to like Carl’s Jr.’s recent foray into “healthy food.” I thought it would help me overcome my deeply-ingrained mistrust of this particular fast food chain and expand my list of low-fat fast food options. (A girl can only order a 6-inch turkey sub from not-so-skinny Jared so many times). So when the new TV ads hit, proclaiming that Carl’s Jr. had enlisted the renowned nutrition experts of “Eat This, Not That” and Men’s Health to develop a trio of leaner burgers for the menu (the Teriyaki Turkey Burger and the Guacamole Turkey Burger are the other two), I was down to try it, despite the fact that I lack the Y chromosome. I thought to myself, Hey, Self, if the “Eat This, Not That” folks can endorse this product, I figure I can help them out a little, maybe satisfy my burger jones while avoiding the unhealthier items on the menu. I figured that a burger under 500 calories would be okay to eat, even if it’s still about 200 more calories than what I would normally ingest in one sitting.

They weren’t lying when they said each burger was under 500 calories, but they just barely squeaked by with that count – the Charbroiled Turkey Burger, the plainest of the three has 490 calories. Really, Carl’s Jr.? You boast about making sandwiches under 500 calories when the caloric difference is two sticks of sugar-free gum. Yes, most of your burgers are in the 700-1100 calorie range, and this burger is much less than that, but that’s kind of like being the air traffic controller who snores the most quietly while on duty. I wouldn’t call slapping together a sandwich that barely meets the “healthy” criteria an awesome accomplishment. Even the turkey burger you doused in sugary teriyaki sauce has fewer calories than your regular one! Do you see how strange that is, Carl’s Jr.? And don’t get me started on the 1,000+ milligrams of sodium.

Carl's Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger Halves

Let’s start with the patty. It is ground turkey, and we all know that turkey is the most dignified of all poultry. It’s the only bird that gets its own holiday, and the only bird we dress up in jaunty Pilgrim hats and shiny black shoes with buckles. However, the Charbroiled Turkey Burger patty is supremely unseemly. It looks like something straight out of an elementary school cafeteria or a maximum security prison mess hall. Pale and stiff on the outside, chewy and flavorless on the inside. They probably serve this turkey burger in Hell. How could something so bland contain so much salt? The fixins are standard – I counted two pieces of lettuce, one tomato slice, and a couple teensy pickles. The pile of sliced red onion was a nice touch, but it didn’t make up for the overall lack of flavor. Lastly, there was a glob of mayonnaise on the bottom bun and a slathering of “special sauce” with chopped onion on the top. The special sauce was clearly mayo mixed with ketchup. NOT SPECIAL. Thankfully, the burger wasn’t too messy, but that was probably because the decently-toasted, whole-grain bun soaked up all the spread.

Carl’s Jr. and their partners were really trying to make something healthy here, and I commend them for their efforts. It’s just too bad that the end result tastes like a half-hearted attempt. I expected something meaty and tasty with fewer calories than their usual burgers, and I got school district leftovers. Carl’s Jr. understands that people want better choices for their quick-service meals, but I think they could’ve done a lot better with this burger, especially with the assistance they received from “Eat This, Not That.” They got so preoccupied with looking out for our expanding guts that they left our taste buds out in the cold.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Charbroiled Turkey Burger (268g) – 490 calories, 200 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1010 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 29 grams of protein.)

Other Carl’s Jr. Turkey Burger reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Grub Grade

Item: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger
Price: $3.61
Size: 1 turkey burger
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Burger Jones. Under 500 calories. Two X Chromosomes. Red onions. Eat This, Not That. Turkeys in doublets, breeches, and tall, black hats with buckles.
Cons: Bland, school-lunch-grade meat. Really, really close to 500 calories. Enough sodium to blast your blood pressure into the stratosphere. Buying fast food at the airport. Maximum security prison.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich

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Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich

Indecisive people must HATE Jack in the Box.

If I was indecisive, I’d take one look at the vast menu board, feel completely helpless, and then weep. And if the cashier told me I could also choose something from the breakfast menu at two in the afternoon, I would fall to my knees, put my hands on top of my head while it shakes side to side, and then yell, “There’s so much to choose from, I don’t know what I want! Please help me!”

By the time I stopped yelling, Jack in the Box probably would’ve added something new to the menu since it expands faster than the waistlines of those of us who eat Jack in the Box food. Seriously, Jack in the Box is the Cheesecake Factory of fast food chains. Did you know they have funnel cake?

Anyhoo, Jack’s latest addition to the menu board that makes the indecisive pull their hair out is the Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich, which is made up of steak strips, grilled onions, cheese and Jack’s new Bourbon BBQ sauce in between two slices of grilled artisan bread.

Of course, my first thought when I heard about the Bourbon BBQ sauce was whether or not it contained alcohol. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, but my extremely low tolerance for alcohol, plus my urge to take off pieces of clothing when alcohol is in my system would be an accurate way to find out.

After eating the entire sandwich, no article of clothing was removed, so it seems there’s no alcohol in the BBQ sauce. Although my taste buds could’ve told me that, since the BBQ sauce tasted like any run of the mill sauce. This was disappointing because I hoped it would taste more like licking a drunk than licking a designated driver.

As for the rest of the sandwich, the steak strips were surprisingly tender and there were a lot of them. The grilled onions were a nice touch and complimented the steak well. The cheese seemed to be there to only to act as a glue to make sure the steak strips and onions don’t fall out of the sandwich. The artisan bread wasn’t crispy, it was a little soggy with chewy edges. But at least it wasn’t as greasy as Jack’s other Grilled Sandwiches.

So if you’re an indecisive person staring at the Jack in the Box menu board, I want to let you know that the Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich was a good sandwich, but I expected more from the featured ingredient, the Bourbon BBQ sauce.

You know what? After rereading that last sentence, I realized it probably won’t help you come to a decision. I’m sorry. You should start weeping now.

(Nutrition Facts – 595 calories, 206 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 2022 milligrams of sodium, 495 milligrams of potassium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 33 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but could’ve been better. Steak strips were tender. Cheese keeps steak strips from falling out. Grilled onion complimented the steak. Bread wasn’t greasy.
Cons: Bourbon BBQ sauce was disappointing. Artisan bread wasn’t crispy. Cheese brings nothing to the table, flavor-wise. An indecisive person staring at a Jack in the Box menu board. The nudity that follows when alcohol is in my system.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco

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Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker

I wanted to ask the slightly above minimum wage earning person behind the Taco Bell counter if I could buy a large container of their nacho cheese sauce.

I didn’t ask because I wanted to be a dick, I asked because if all it takes is their nacho cheese sauce to magically come up with new menu items, like turning their Double Decker Taco into a Cheesy Double Decker Taco, then I’d rather to do it myself. I could also use it as a prop to act out what I imagine the Taco Bell new product brainstorming session was like when the Cheesy Double Decker Taco was created.

Taco Bell Executive #1: We need a new product for next month and I need it right now. And I need it to be good.

(Rumbling among the other executives)

Taco Bell Executive #2: How about we offer the Crunchwrap Sandwich, which has a generous helping of seasoned carne asada steak, sour cream, and refried beans in between two Crunchwraps The tagline for it can be, “Your mind has to wrap around it before your mouth does.”

Taco Bell Executive #1: That’s a horrible idea. Are you trying to kill our customers? Let me ask, are you high right now?

Taco Bell Executive #2: Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #2 giggles)

Taco Bell Executive #3: I got it. Since we’ve done a red taco shell and a black taco shell, how about we make a blue taco shell and use it for a shrimp taco. It’ll look like the shrimp are swimming in water.

Taco Bell Executive #1: Really? Lemme guess. You just watched Avatar again, and you’re probably high too?

Taco Bell Executive #3: Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #3 giggles and then high fives Taco Bell Executive #2)

Taco Bell Chihuahua: Yo quiero Milkbone Crunchwrap Supreme.

Taco Bell Executive #1: NO!

Taco Bell Bell: DONG!

Taco Bell Executive #1: NO!

(Taco Bell Executive #1 rolls her eyes.)

Taco Bell Executive #1: All right. We’ve got a lot of this nacho cheese sauce, so let’s just squirt some of it into our Double Decker Taco and call it the Cheesy Double Decker Taco. Are you all okay with that?

(Other Taco Bell executives nod to approve)

Taco Bell Executive #1: Good.

Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker 2

Taco Bell’s original Double Decker Taco is my favorite Taco Bell menu item and was the number one cause for my Freshman fifteen in college. The combination of a warm, soft flour tortilla, filled with refried beans, wrapped around a taco that contains seasoned beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and shredded lettuce gets my heart to beat quickly, although that could just be from the sodium. Combining the nacho cheese sauce with the refried beans obviously adds a lot more cheesiness, and that was nice. However, I didn’t find it to be better than the original, but I did think it’s just as tasty as a regular Double Decker Taco

While I didn’t think the nacho cheese sauce makes it better, I do think it makes it several times messier than the original Double Decker. Alone, the viscosity of the refried beans is high, but when combined with the nacho cheese sauce, it significantly lowers it, causing refried beans and cheese sauce to ooze out from in between the taco shell and tortilla when you bite into it. If you’re eating the taco with the wrapping it came in below you, you’ll find yourself scooping up escaped refried beans and cheese from it.

Overall, I liked the Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco, but that’s mostly because of my love for the original. Sure, it’s not very inventive and a monkey with a picture book of ingredients could develop something better, but if you think about it, it’s what we expect from Taco Bell. Personally, I think not straying too far creatively is the reason why when they introduce something a little more outside of the box, perhaps a blue shell taco, it blows our minds a little more than it should.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 taco – 350 calories, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco reviews:
We Rate Stuff
Smidview
Random Dude Eats Random Food

Item: Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco
Price: $1.49
Size: 1 taco
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Just as good as a Double Decker Taco. Nacho cheese sauce brings on the cheesy. Provides 8 grams of fiber — thanks beans! I <3 Double Decker Tacos. Pretending to hold a Taco Bell new product brainstorming session.
Cons: Nacho cheese sauce makes it messier than a regular Double Decker Taco. Not inventive. A monkey with a picture book of ingredients could come up with something better.