Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders (Deluxe, Bacon & Cheese and Mushroom & Swiss)

Marvo 33 Comments

McDonald's Angus Third Pounder

Let me start off by saying that the new McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders are the best burgers ever released by The Golden Arches. Of course, that’s not really saying much since most of their burgers suck. It’s sort of like saying Kim Kardashian is the most famous Kardashian but only because the others didn’t come out with a sex tape.

I know I’ve said in the past that I love McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers, but I only love them because it’s a little more than a dollar and I can use the grease from them to keep my chest hair from popping out of my collar. And I know I’ve said that I enjoy their Big Macs, but only because of my affinity towards that middle bun.

I know what it’s like to be a third wheel, Middle Bun.

I may really enjoy these new burgers, but it brings up one question in my head.  We’ve been eating crappy McDonald’s burgers for years and all this time they had the ability to make a really good burger, so what the fuck have they been doing for the past decade? Have they been eating McDonald’s food, getting sleepy soon after, taking a nap and then not getting any work done, like the rest of us do?

The Angus Third Pounders come in three varieties:

Deluxe – a burger with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, pickles and mayonnaise.

Bacon & Cheese – a burger with cheese, bacon, red onions, pickles, ketchup and mustard.

Mushroom & Swiss – a burger with sauteed mushroom, mayonnaise and swiss cheese.

Which flavor you should try depends on what your taste buds yearn for and/or the amount of sodium your circulatory system can take, since each burger has between 1100-2070 milligrams of sodium.

All of the Angus Third Pounders are flavor packed. The Deluxe had a classic burger taste and I would totally do behind a shed. I could taste the Angus beef, cheese, pickles and mayonnaise (only because they put a huge glob of it on the burger), but I felt the red onions didn’t add much flavor. The Bacon & Cheese contained big slices of slightly crispy bacon that ensured I had some in every bite, although it’s taste wasn’t as prominent as I hoped it would be. Again, the red onions didn’t really provide much flavor, but the burger didn’t really need it and I would totally do it hard in the back seat of a car. The Mushroom & Swiss was probably my favorite among the three and I would do it the hardest in a janitor’s closet. The sauteed mushrooms were tasty, well sized and plentiful, but they didn’t overwhelm the sandwich, letting the flavor of the meat stand out.

The patties in the Angus Third Pounders are much tastier, less greasy and noticeably thicker than regular McDonald’s burger patties. The texture of the meat was different too, but in a good way. All of the burgers themselves were significantly larger than most other items on the menu. I hope McDonald’s keeps them that size and they don’t end up like the Big & Tasty, which started big, but now is much smaller.

Overall, I’m pleasantly surprised by the quality and flavor of the McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders. Some might complain about the $4 price tag for each burger, but the other big burgers on the McDonald’s menu are only about 50-75 cents cheaper and they’re also 50-75 percent shittier. So I think the Angus Third Pounders are worth the extra scratch.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 burger – Deluxe – 750 calories, 39 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1700 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 40 grams of protein. Bacon & Cheese – 790 calories, 39 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 2070 milligrams of sodium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein. Mushroom & Swiss – 770 calories, 40 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1170 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 44 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders (Deluxe, Bacon & Cheese and Mushroom & Swiss)
Price: $4.19 each
Size: Third pounders
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Deluxe)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bacon & Cheese)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Mushroom & Swiss)
Pros: Very tasty. The best McDonald’s burgers I’ve ever had. Fresh looking ingredients. Hefty for McDonald’s burgers. Thicker, tastier, and less greasy patties than regular McDonald’s burgers. Great source of protein.
Cons: Totally unhealthy. High in sodium, saturated fat and trans fat. Red onions didn’t add much to the burgers. Some might find the burgers to be pricey. Eating McDonald’s food, getting sleepy soon after, taking a nap and then not getting any work done.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty

Kayla 15 Comments

Out of the Big (or Fat Ass) Three in fast food burger joints, Wendy’s has always gone against the grain. Sure, Mickey D’s invented the Happy Meal (aka Here’s some food kid, mommy has a headache Meal) which has been aiding in childhood obesity for thirty years; Burger King prides itself in its flame broiled burgers that you can smell within a ten mile radius even if you are driving in a heavily armored tank; but Wendy’s went a different route.

Instead of marketing to children (or parents who just want to shut their kids up), or pumping their aromas out of their restaurant holes, The Red Headed She-Devil puts random items on their menus like baked potatoes, a discontinued line of deli sandwiches that in Greek translates to “freshit,” and the not quite a shake, but not quite a soft serve ice cream-type concoction know as the Frosty.

For years, Wendy’s only had one type of Frosty — chocolate.

No, not Death By Chocolate or Triple PMS Give Me Some Fucking Chocolate or Madagascar Organic Chocolate, it was simply chocolate. Now, fast food companies (yes, Wendy’s claims it’s “better” than fast food, but let’s be honest here, if you can consume an entire meal while still in the driver’s seat of your shitty, banana yellow 1992 Geo Metro convertible, it’s fast food) realize that people want choices with eye catching names, or ones with pronunciations worse than she sells seashells by the seashore.

The Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty is the latter.

Twisted is one of those words that could be used as a slang term. For example, “I was so twisted last night that I think I had relations with that cardboard cutout of Zac Efron.”

Wendy’s went with the traditional use of the word “twisted” in describing their Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty, however they weren’t successful. As you can see in the picture above, there is no twisting going on. It was a minor disappointment since I knew I was going to be engaging my two favorite flavors: coffee and pieces of a Heath or Skor bar.

After popping a Lactaid, I gave it a whirl (or twist). The coffee flavoring was good, but not strong enough and I wish the Heath or Skor pieces were slightly larger, but I guess they want them small enough so you can suck them through a straw.

Just like borrowing the idea of square patties from White Castle, Wendy’s did the same thing with the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty by borrowing the concept from the queen (pun intended) of blended soft serve treats — the Blizzard.

If there was a Pay-Per-View boxing match between the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty and the Heath Blizzard, you should put your money on the Blizzard. Sure, it’s getting up there in age, but it still delivers. It’s larger, has more flavor and it knows it. The Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty was good at first, but then it just got sickening and I couldn’t finish it.

But that could also be my gastrointestinal problems.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounce – 540 calories, 20 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 83 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 69 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 30% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty
Price: $2.79
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Coffee and Toffee is a good blend. Smelling Burger King from 10 miles away. Seeing a balding man in a banana yellow Geo Metro convertible eating fast food in a parking lot. Heath or Skor. The “Do You Want to Get Frosty With Me” song.
Cons: Way too much saturated fat. 0.5g of the evil trans fat. Needing to carry Lactaid with me at all times. Hooking up with a cardboard cut out of Zac Efron. Small toffee pieces.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas (Mango, Peach & Raspberry)

Marvo 26 Comments

(Note: Please read this letter with a Southern accent.)

To My Dearest Jacqueline D. Box,

It has been a long time since I had an opportunity to write to you as I have been occupied by the hassles of our country’s Civil War. I feel impelled to write a correspondence to you because I sense that death may soon be upon me and the thousands of men who fight alongside me. Your rain of letters bring sunshine to my days of fighting those from the North. I again apologize that I am not able to reciprocate an equal amount of correspondence. It is quite good to hear about every minuscule moment in your life and because I keep your extensive book-length letters near my heart, you have prevented the enemy’s ammunition from striking my body.

Oh, how my war-battered heart yearns for your warm embrace, tender kisses, ample bosom and your Jacqueline D. Box Flavored Iced Teas. The battlefield on a Southern summer day is like what I imagine the pits of fire and brimstone in hell feel like and when my throat is dry from all the yelling as we charge the Union soldiers, which I don’t really understand because it lets the enemy know where we are, all I desire is you and either your refreshing mango, raspberry or peach iced teas made with fresh-brewed tea.

Although, to be honest, since I may never gaze upon your round, joyful face again, I don’t really care for your mango flavored iced tea because it tastes like a sweet vegetable and not at all like the exotic tropical fruit of mango whose flavor makes my taste buds tingle with delight.

However your raspberry and peach flavored iced teas make my heart skip a beat and refreshes me like a plunge into the cooling waters of Old Harper’s Lake on a blistering summer’s day. I don’t know how you are able to create such delightful refreshments. I could drink them both relentlessly until I burst at the seams. Both beverages have just the right amount of flavor, without being too sweet, giving them a satisfying balance of fruit and tea flavor. Just writing about it in this correspondence makes me desire it even more. Not even this cup of water from great Mississippi River can quench my thirst like your flavored iced teas can.

But alas, my love, I fear for the worst and may never sample your flavored iced tea ever again.

Jacqueline, if I do not return, do not think we shall not meet again. For if you feel warmth when you are cold or a cool breeze on a July afternoon, it shall be my spirit watching over you, protecting you and scaring away any possible suitors.

Your dearest,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – Mango – 83 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Raspberry – 78 calories, 0 grams of fat, 12 milligrams of sodium, 119 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Peach – 82 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas
Price: $1.99 each
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10 (mango)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (peach)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (raspberry)
Pros: Peach and raspberry flavors were extremely refreshing. Made with fresh-brewed tea. Healthier alternative than most drinks available at Jack in the Box. Perfect balance of fruit and tea. Came in bigger cups than I thought.
Cons: The mango flavor disappointed because tastes like a sweet vegetable. Doesn’t come in a variety of colors like their promotional pictures. The syrup the use might settle to the bottom, so remember to stir before drinking. Not sure if the tea provides any health benefits.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze

Kayla 17 Comments

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it’s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think that’s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyone’s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.

Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “That’s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You won’t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance. Instead, you’ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.

The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bell’s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, let’s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then there’s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.

Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I won’t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didn’t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I haven’t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bell’s version fulfilled my pina colada desires.

The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when you’re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, it’s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bell’s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Size: 479 grams
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90’s toys. Fat free.
Cons: No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss

Marvo 19 Comments

If you’re a botanist, or studying to become one, I would like to ask a simple favor from you. How about some muthafuckin’ seedless blackberries so that I can actually enjoy the Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss without having to endure the scratchy feel of blackberry seeds going down my throat?

If farmers can breed seedless watermelons and grapes, then why can’t they do the same with blackberries.

Seriously. Whose stamen do I have to suck to make this happen?

I know blackberry seeds are high in nutrients, like omega-3 fats, protein and fiber, but do you know what else they’re high in? Annoyance.

They can get stuck in between teeth, become lodged in other nooks and crannies in my mouth or cause pain if expelled though my nose because I was sucking on a Blackberry Bliss while reading something really funny, which I’m pretty sure won’t be anything in the Sunday funnies or on the Hallmark Movie Channel. Although I believe it’s possible to shoot seeds out of my nose by crying hard, so perhaps I should stay away from the tear-jerking Hallmark Movie Channel.

The Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss is made up of an apple-strawberry juice blend, frozen blueberries, frozen strawberries, plain sorbet, ice, frozen blackberries and raspberry sherbet, like the kind u find in a grocery store.

If it weren’t for the seeds, I think the Blackberry Bliss would give me some pleasure since it’s a cold smoothie and the temperature inside Impulsive Buy’s headquarters (i.e. my apartment) is about 89 degrees. It has a decent berry flavor, but the blackberry doesn’t stand out. However its color does, which gives the smoothie its dark purple hue that goths will love. It’s not as tart as I thought it was going to be since it contains blueberries and blackberries, but it’s also not as sweet as some of Jamba Juice’s other blended concoctions.

The Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss lands nowhere on my list of favorite flavors and I don’t see myself buying another unless I really want to count the number of seeds in an original size serving or, thanks to my stamen sucking, someone comes up with seedless blackberries.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 380 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 600 milligrams of potassium, 91 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 80 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 10% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss
Price: $4.59
Size: 24-ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent berry flavor. Botany jokes. Not as tart as I thought it was going to be. Lame Prince references. Pretty dark purple color. Cold smoothies + hot weather = refreshing.
Cons: Lots of muthafuckin’ SEEDS!!! Blackberries don’t stand out. Not as sweet as other Jamba Juice smoothies. Shooting seeds out of my nose. Having to suck on stamens to get someone to create seedless blackberries.