Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream (Butterscotch & Chocolate)

Marvo 20 Comments

Without knowing it Cold Stone Creamery, with their JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream, created a new idiom to express boredom to go along with watching paint dry and watching grass grow. Now whenever you have to watch something boring, like C-SPAN, you can say it’s like watching Cold Stone Creamery’s JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream melt, because it takes a while for this decadent dessert to do so.

According to Cold Stone Creamery, their new Jello Pudding Ice Cream doesn’t melt, instead it turns into pudding. I tested their claim by sticking in a bowl a spoonful of the butterscotch pudding ice cream and a spoonful of the chocolate pudding ice cream. Then I set up a video camera and let nature take its course.

I shot the pudding ice cream action for an hour, but through the magic of speeding up video, editing and strategically placed video transitions, you can watch all the sexy pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action in under two minutes.  Although I should warn you that sexy pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action is 100 times less sexier than it sounds.

As you can see from the video, the pudding ice cream doesn’t melt into a liquid, instead it does what Cold Stone Creamery said it would do, which is turn into pudding.  And watching that happen is like watching paint dry on growing grass.

For the experiment, I used the chocolate and butterscotch flavors of the Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream, but in some locations they also offer vanilla and banana flavors. Like my armpit hairs, I kept my pudding ice cream au naturel and didn’t add anything to be mixed in. The texture of the pudding ice cream is definitely not like any other ice cream I’ve had. It’s soft and pliable, like a Russian gymnast, and it doesn’t get hard, making it easy to scoop. When I put it in my mouth, it starts off with a texture similar to ice cream, but after a few seconds in my warm mouth it changes into a feel that’s more like pudding, albeit kind of a really gooey, slightly chewy pudding.

I think the chocolate flavor tastes very similar to a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae, a belief that Cold Stone may not agree with since they are a premium ice cream maker and not a cheap ass burger maker. But I really like the Hot Fudge Sundaes from the House of Ronald, so I really like the flavor of the chocolate pudding ice cream. As for the butterscotch flavor, it also is also very good. It has a nice gold color and a delightful butterscotch flavor that tastes like I’m sucking on a hard butterscotch candy.

Overall, I enjoyed both flavors of the Cold Stone Creamery Jello Pudding Ice Cream. They’re rich and creamy and they have really great flavor. The texture of the pudding ice cream may throw off some people and the extremely high saturated fat content might scare a few, but it’s definitely something that’s interesting to try.

Although it’s definitely not interesting to watch as it melts.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Love It – Butterscotch – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 64 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A and 15% calcium. Chocolate – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 62 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream (Butterscotch & Chocolate)
Price: $4.59 each
Size: Love It (about 8 ounces)
Purchased at: Cold Stone Creamery
Rating: 7 out of 10 (chocolate)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (butterscotch)
Pros: Both flavors are really good. Chocolate flavor tastes like a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae. Butterscotch flavor tastes like I’m sucking on a hard butterscotch candy. Texture is interesting. It doesn’t melt, it just turns into pudding. My armpit hair will keep my armpits warm.
Cons: After a few seconds in my mouth it has a gooey, slightly chewy pudding texture that might turn people off. Extremely high in saturated fat content. Watching grass grow. Watching paint dry. Watching paint dry on growing grass. Watching the Cold Stone Creamery Jello Pudding Ice Cream melt. Pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action is 100 times less sexier than it sounds.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches

Marvo 24 Comments

If Jack in the Box are “herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they’re cattle” for their Mini Sirloin Burgers, then I wonder what they’re using for their new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches.

Oh wait…Could it be?

Tweety Bird! Nooooooooooo!

It looks like Jack was able to do what Sylvester the Cat couldn’t. Sufferin’ Succotash! It seems like for Tweety, it’s Th-Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks! I guess instead of the puddy tat, Tweety taw a puddy Jack!

Aaaah, Looney Tunes references — so 1950s.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches comes in a pack of three and each is made up of white meat homestyle chicken filets, a drizzle of lettuce, ranch sauce and Frank’s RedHot Sauce. I don’t know Frank, nor do I know the reason why he made RedHot a compound word, but I do know that the sauce is tasty, although it wasn’t as redhot as I hoped. The lack of redheat might’ve been caused by the addition of the whitecool ranch dressing, which if that’s the case, would be a shame for those who really enjoy the redspice of buffalo sauce.

The lack of heat also might’ve been caused by the semi-conservative use of Frank’s RedHot Sauce on each mini chicken sandwich. While I could taste the sauce, I really wish they dipped the chicken filets in the sauce, like they were Salem witches, instead of just topping them. I think doing that might make up for the unnecessary gram of trans fat per mini sandwich. The ranch sauce, while quite visible when pulling back the top bun, wasn’t noticeable flavor-wise, the chicken filets were slightly tough and the lettuce was just there, like the stiff-bodied person on the bottom of a sexual position who is having no fun or significantly less fun than their partner on top.

Overall, I thought the Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches were decent, but they don’t come close to being as tasty as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. I guess, for some reason, cows the size of schnauzers seem to taste better than Tweety Bird.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 738 calories, 27 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 51 milligrams of cholesterol, 1877 milligrams of sodium, 461 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 31 grams of protein.)

(Note: The commercial for it is below.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Frank’s RedHot Sauce was tasty. Looney Tunes references for older people. Photoshopping. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers. Perfect if you love sodium.
Cons: I didn’t like them as much as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. Could’ve used more sauce. Frank’s RedHot Sauce wasn’t as redhot as I would’ve liked. Ranch sauce wasn’t noticeable. Chicken filets were a little tough. The use of lettuce. Three grams of trans fat. High in sodium. Looney Tunes references for younger people.

REVIEW: Wawa Soft Pretzel

Kayla 54 Comments

When I was just a mere reader of this intellectual review site, I would always scream, jump up and down and hit my computer like a wild spider monkey at the zoo that children flick pieces of popcorn at. I bet you’re wondering why on Earth I would do this. Well, it’s because I would see food reviews for delicious, mouth-watering and other trite adjectives used to describe fast food items that will leave a tattoo on your arteries from places such as Jack in the Box and Carl’s Jr. Those of us who were represented by The Notorious BIG in the East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995 are not able to experience a Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich or Del Taco Jalapeno Rings. Well, now it’s the Left Coast’s turn to cry tears of pain when they read reviews for items that only us near the Atlantic have the opportunity to devour.

Wawa is a chain of convenience stores that are located in the Mid-Atlantic. To compare it to a 7-Eleven is blasphemy. Here’s an example of a conversation between a Philadelphian and a tourist that has no clue what a Wawa is:

Tourist: “I’ve seen signs for a store called Wawa. Some have gas stations, and some don’t.”

Philly Guy: “Oh yeah, I go to Wawa every morning before work.”

Tourist: “So it’s like a 7-Eleven?”

Philly Guy: “Fuck You.”

How can you compare sandwiches made to order to oddly colored tubes of mystery meat heated by a sun lamp that slowly rotate while a loitering stoner stares for hours thinking that one of the hot dogs looks like a member of Phish? I’m not saying that 7-Eleven is awful; I do love the occasional Slurpee, but compared to Wawa, 7-Eleven is merely that chick from high school that’s popular, because she has a reputation for giving handjobs behind the bleachers.

The iconic Wawa Pretzel comes two to a package, connected in the middle. It’s much softer than a pretzel that you would get at a ballpark or from a street vendor. The doughy and slightly sticky texture makes it easier to eat without needing to have a chaser of water (or in Marvo’s case, a Throwback Pepsi) and the amount of salt on it is just about right. Although, like snowflakes, no Wawa Pretzel is alike. Some may have less salt, others more may have more salt, some could be harder than others (that’s what she said) and some could be softer than a 90-year-old man while watching Dancing With the Stars.

I’m sorry if I put a visual in your head.

Clocking in at 1040 milligrams of sodium for one pretzel doesn’t make this exactly health food, and 58 grams of carbs would probably make Robert Atkins roll in his grave. The pretzel is very heavy; in fact I could barely finish one before I could feel it expand in my stomach. It’s not something I could consume everyday, but for a carb craving it certainly does the trick.

(Nutrition Facts: Serving Size 1 pretzel-310 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 9 grams of protein. 2% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Wawa Soft Pretzel
Price: $1.38 plus tax
Size: 7.8 oz
Purchased at: Wawa Food Markets
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Not dry like most soft pretzels. Fills your belly up. Experiencing the wonder known as Wawa. The colorful vernacular of Philadelphians. Laughing at stoners trying to have a vision while they look at the rotating hot dogs at 7-Eleven.
Cons: More sodium than a healthy human should consume. The East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995. The image of a 90-year-old man’s problems.

REVIEW: KFC Kentucky Grilled Chicken

Marvo 23 Comments

The Kentucky Grilled Chicken makes me feel like I’m in some alternate universe where fast food doesn’t fill your body with large amounts of saturated fat and sodium, everyone uses a Mac and Oprah is the benevolent ruler of the world, occasionally giving her favorite things away to some of her citizens.

It’s a world where everyone recycles and things run on solar power.
Homeless people wouldn’t reek of body odor because they shower.
It’s a place where celebrity nipple slips occur with less frequency.
Singer Amy Winehouse doesn’t look so scary, like a banshee.

It’s a planet where traffic goes smoothly like water through a pipe.
Lots of leg room in coach class on every flight making it a delight.
It’s a place where Simon is nice to each American Idol reject.
Paula Abdul doesn’t abuse alcohol to make herself look wrecked.

It’s a world where phones and people remain quiet through the movie.
Without the need to workout, every man and woman has a nice booty.
It’s a place where Lindsay Lohan is winning Oscar Awards.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t such attention whores.

It’s a planet where everyone has fresh breath the entire day.
You can make a plate for yourself before you leave the buffet.
It’s a place where the Octomom wouldn’t make front page news.
Everyone would know the true sexual preference of Tom Cruise.

But alas, I’m not in an alternative universe because I still have a flat ass and most fast food places still provide food that can slowly kill us. So I’m glad KFC is making an effort to make fast food somewhat healthier with their Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Pieces of the new chicken have between 70 to 180 calories and four to nine grams of fat. It’s significantly lower than pieces of KFC’s original recipe fried chicken which have between 130 to 360 calories and 8 to 24 grams of fat. A drumstick and breast of the new grilled chicken contains 250 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, and 640 milligrams of sodium, which is about the same amounts found in a Lean Cuisine Meatloaf microwaveable meal.

Of course, if you get side dishes it instantly increases the nutritional intake to the normal fast food levels that you know and loathe.

The Kentucky Grilled Chicken is marinated and seasoned with a blend of six secret herbs and spices and is slow-grilled. Its appetizing smell was similar to other grilled chicken I’ve had before. The meat was juicy, tender and really tasty. It doesn’t taste like any of the KFC fried chickens, instead it tastes more like roasted or rotisserie chicken.

However, everything is not perfect with the Kentucky Grilled Chicken. The grill marks on them seem too perfect, making them somewhat unnatural looking, like the breasts of many contestants vying for the love of some B-list celebrity on a VH1 reality show. And, like regular KFC fried chicken, you’re going to need a lot of napkins (or KFC-labeled sanitary wipes) because these grilled pieces of chicken are quite greasy.

Overall, I really enjoyed the Kentucky Grilled Chicken because it’s tasty and I don’t feel so bad after eating it, like I would with a Big Mac Value Meal.

Fast food that’s tasty AND not too bad for you?

It gives me hope that someday, when Oprah rules the world, she will give me one of her favorite things. I’m wishing for either a car or an Amazon Kindle.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium and 10 grams of protein. 1 breast – 180 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium and 35 grams of protein. 1 drumstick – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium and 10 grams of protein. 1 thigh – 140 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol and 10 grams of protein. Yes, the long list of nutrition facts is finally over. Yay!)

(Note: Of course Grub Grade reviewed them. If they didn’t, I would’ve lost all faith in humanity.)

Item: KFC Kentucky Grilled Chicken
Price: $4.99
Size: 2-piece meal
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Juicy, tender and really tasty. Significantly healthier than KFC’s Original Recipe chicken. I would eat these regularly. An alternative universe where Oprah rules the world. When Oprah gives away her favorite things.
Cons: Greasy. Grill marks seem unnatural. If you get the meal with side dishes, the nutritional values go up significantly. Unnatural boobs. Excessive napkin use. Amy Winehouse nightmares.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

Marvo 19 Comments

Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

I’ve been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches.  I don’t think it’s the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the conclusion that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child’s successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est.  You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be.  Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges.  Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in purée form and that’s where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby’s mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby…that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby’s bad onion breath isn’t taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you’re a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren’t beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you’re entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby’s mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
Cons: They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you’re willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby’ breath. Years of therapy.