Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Huevos Rancheros Breakfast Burrito

Ace 24 Comments

When I found out that Carl’s Jr. had a new breakfast burrito, I wasn’t too excited.

One – most of Carl’s Jr.’s breakfast food consists of about five different types of ham and sausage bundled together with hash browns. It’s a little nauseating to say the least.

Two − eating the Huevos Rancheros burrito in Southern California is like having KFC while you’re in Georgia. I couldn’t imagine that the restaurant down the street wouldn’t have a better version.

Three − they didn’t have an advertising blitz of Paris Hilton having sex with it like they did with one of their Six Dollar Burgers. Paris Hilton isn’t my cup of tea, but I appreciated the thought.

As previously mentioned, I can’t walk a block without running into a restaurant that serves huevos rancheros. Huevos rancheros is a traditional Mexican breakfast dish meant to satisfy a farmer’s hunger. It consists of a foundation of corn tortillas, eggs, and salsa, with a few other optional ingredients. “Huevos” means eggs in Spanish, and “rancheros” means rancher.

Interestingly enough, “huevos” is also slang for testicles, so you’re basically eating the balls of a rancher. If you make sure to ignore the laughter from the waiters after you order, you will be rewarded with a hearty breakfast.

Since I have had my fair share of rancher’s balls throughout the years, I have developed a very discerning palette when it comes to this Mexican breakfast. You can understand my skepticism when it came to trying this gringo-ized burrito. The Carl’s Jr. version is made up of scrambled eggs, cheese, refried beans, corn tortilla strips, and a ranchero sauce. I cut into it, noted the strange texture of the eggs, and took a bite.

My first thought was that it was surprisingly good. It was not as heavy as I thought it would be and the lack of meat was a nice change of pace for a breakfast burrito. However, I soon realized that it tasted exactly like a regular bean and cheese burrito at more than double the price.

You can’t really taste the eggs, which is probably a good thing since they are overcooked and spongy. Real huevos rancheros have delectable sunny side up eggs; these only pale in comparison. The ranchero sauce is very tangy, but lacks the spice appropriate for a manly Mexican breakfast. The tortilla strips felt tacked on and soon become soggy and lost within the depths of the refried beans.

In the end, it is a glorified bean and cheese burrito with a fun-to-pronounce name. I had suspected as much, but can’t help but feel disappointed by the lack of heat and flavor. It is a shame that every slutty Hollywood starlet happens to be in rehab or jail, because only the raunchiest of commercials could make this burrito memorable.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 burrito – 660 calories, 34 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 490 milligrams of cholesterol, 1550 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbs, and 30 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Huevos Rancheros Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE with coupon from nice PR person (retails for $2.39)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Adds variety to Carl’s Jr.’s meat-centric breakfast menu. Tastes like a decent bean and cheese burrito. The shameless, yet entertaining advertising techniques employed by Carl’s Jr.
Cons: Generally lacking any heat and unique flavor. Pretty pricey when compared to regular bean burritos. Tortilla strips fade into refried beans. Eggs look like some type of strange membranous creature when cut open.

McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito

Marvo 29 Comments

The fast food apocalypse shall soon be upon thee! Flee now to high ground and thou lives may be spared from obesity and being pillaged and robble, robble, robbled by the evil Hamburgler.

I am not a witch, nor a soothsayer, but in the back cover of my hardbound printing of “Fast Food Nation,” there is a message written in what I first thought was blood, but later found out was ketchup, that said, “When the four burritos of the rising sun meet, the fast food apocalypse shall drown the Earth.”

With the introduction of the McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito, I fear the worst is one step closer to being a reality. Hardee’s unleashed their 920-calorie Country Breakfast Burrito earlier this year. Jack in the Box recently brought into this world their Sirloin Steak & Egg Burrito. If Burger King, brings forth a breakfast burrito, I can only presume the fast food apocalypse will follow.

What would a fast food apocalypse be like?

I imagine kings and clowns will battle for supremacy; big, dumb, purple Grimaces will fall from the sky; Jack in the Box antenna balls will come to life and mess with your radio reception or tell you how shitty of a driver you are; Jared Fogle will weigh 425 pounds again; and zombie Colonel Sanders will roam the Earth, eating human flesh and proclaiming that it tastes like chicken. It may seem like a big bad dream that could only be caused by licking a toad or Amy Winehouse’s skin, but if one more breakfast burrito hits the market, the world is doomed…DOOMED I TELL YOU!!!

The possibly world-ending McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito contains cheddar cheese, jack cheese, American cheese, skillet potatoes, chunks of sausage, bell peppers, onions, scrambled eggs, and salsa all wrapped up in a soft tortilla. All of those ingredients equal a decently hefty burrito that could be a part of a complete non-nutritious breakfast. The salsa pretty much dominates the flavor of the burrito, which of course makes it quite spicy and makes me like it a lot. On a scale of one to ten, with one being pussy mild and ten being the burning sensation caused by unprotected sex with Paris Hilton, I would rate its spiciness a six.

I was hoping that the potatoes were crunchy like their hash browns, but unfortunately they weren’t and didn’t really add anything to the burrito. Another problem I had with the McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito was the fact that there weren’t enough “Mc’s” in its name. I think the McDonald’s McSkillet McBurrito has a nice McRing to it. Finally, as hefty as it was, I wish it were huge like a Chipotle burrito (Warning: slightly annoying flash animation, if you click the link), but then again if it was, the fat and sodium content would probably kill me before the fast food apocalypse could.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burrito – 610 calories, 36 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 410 milligrams of cholesterol, 1390 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 27 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 20% calcium, 25% iron, and -5 minutes of life.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for letting me know about the McSkillet Burrito, but if the fast food apocalypse comes, I won’t be glad she did.)

Item: McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito
Price: $3.29 ($2.49 in other places)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good and spicy. Heftier than I thought it would be. Nice variety of ingredients. Kings and clowns killing each other.
Cons: Could be a little bit bigger. Not enough “Mc’s” in its name. Trans fat. Potatoes might’ve been better if crunchy. If you’re not into spice, this might not be nice. Fast food apocalypse. Being robble, robble, robbled.

Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt

Marvo 36 Comments

The new Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt is so greasy that if I wanted to experience puberty all over again and have my face break out into pimples, I would rub my face liberally with this burger.

I know what you’re thinking, pretty much all fast food burgers are greasy, but I felt this limited time only burger was so greasy that if I were in prison and the burger was a bar of soap, I would feel the need to tie a rope around it.

So what makes the Bacon Double Homestyle Melt so greasy?

It’s the Killer Bs: bacon, burger, and butter. It’s got slices of crispy bacon, three slices of Swiss cheese, two flame-broiled hamburger patties, and a creamy garlic cheese sauce all between a buttery flat bun. It was probably the buttery bread that made this burger seem almost as greasy as two used car salesmen in a bikini baby oil wrestling match.

The bread portion of the burger didn’t have enough butter to make Food Network personality Paula Deen cream in her pants, but there’s enough to make my hands just as greasy as the hands of the hairstylist for The Sopranos.

On paper, the Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt looked like a really good burger, but unfortunately the grease from the burger soaked the paper and it fell through.

The burger was small — a little bit bigger than a Whopper Jr. — and I wondered if to compensate for its size, it drove either a Corvette or an Escalade. I thought the creamy garlic cheese sauce would be as artery-hardening good as it sounds, but the garlic was either very faint or non-existent in all of the bites I took, which again wasn’t many, since the burger was Lilliputian in size.

The combination of meat, bacon, and cheese is a great foundation for a burger, which the Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt had, but its weak sauce and buttery bun cracked through that foundation. I thought about risking diabetes, heart disease, and the sight of my penis to try another, but in the end I was all greased out.

(Nutritional Facts – 810 calories, 58 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 39 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 35% Calcium, 25% Iron, and 25 grams of bigassness.)

Item: Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt
Price: $5.49 (Value Meal)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Lots of protein. Lots of grease…if you love grease. Lots of sodium…if you love heart disease. Meat, cheese, and bacon is a good burger foundation.
Cons: Small burger. Seems extremely greasy. Couldn’t really taste the creamy garlic cheese sauce. Buttery bun made the burger even less enjoyable. Paula Deen creaming in her pants.

McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap

Marvo 22 Comments

The McDonald’s Snack Wraps are just like actors who’ve played James Bond — one of them defined it (Sean Connery, Ranch Snack Wrap), one of them not so much (Timothy Dalton, Honey Mustard Snack Wrap), one of them you’ve probably never heard of (George Lazenby, Salsa Roja Snack Wrap), and one of them was not bad (Roger Moore, the new Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap).

But unlike the James Bond movies, which are somewhat limited by the number of novels written by Ian Fleming and other authors, the expansion of the McDonald’s Snack Wrap is almost endless. Stuffed with either crispy or grilled all-white chicken breast meat, shredded lettuce and cheese, and a spicy sweet sauce, the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap continues the evolution of this affordable burrito wannabe.

You could say about the Snack Wrap that McDonald’s is not only just lovin’ it, they’re also just milkin’ it. Slowly but surely, as they keep adding new sauces, Snack Wraps will reach a rare level of diversity that only Beanie Babies and Pokemon have accomplished, but unlike those two, Snack Wraps have horrible resale value on eBay.

But for now there are only three McDonald’s Snack Wrap flavors available nationwide, and if you’ve tried all three, congratulations, you’ve completed the Snack Wrap Gastrointestinal Triple Crown. Your prize? A possible slight raise in high blood pressure and making the lovable purple blob Grimace smile.

If you haven’t had the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap, I’d suggest you try it, because it’s good. Although, I personally think the ranch dressing version of it is the best flavor. The sauce itself tasted like any barbecue sauce with a little spice and it meshed well with the crispy version, but not so much with the grilled one.

As someone who prefers to get my tongue kicked by spices so hard that I cry like a Miss USA contestant after she’s announced as the winner or sweat like someone trapped in a Geo Metro with Spongebob Squarepants and Urkel from Family Matters, I was hoping that the chipotle sauce would’ve been hotter. But if you’re a lightweight when it comes to spices, I’d suggest passing on this particular Snack Wrap because there is a little burn.

(Nutritional Values: The crispy version of the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap has 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 14 grams of protein. The grilled version has 260 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 820 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, and 18 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap
Price: $1.49 each
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Crispy tastes better. Sean Connery as James Bond. Making Grimace smile.
Cons: Kind of small. Sauce not spicy enough for me. Grilled is not as good as crispy. Nutritional values are snack-like. Timothy Dalton as James Bond. Being trapped in a Geo Metro with Spongebob and Urkel.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Baconator

Marvo 22 Comments

Wendy's Baconator

The Wendy’s Baconator has a name usually reserved for those college students who fully take advantage of the all-you-can-eat breakfast bar in the dormitory cafeteria or the wingmen who takes home the fat chicks.

It’s a simple burger that doesn’t have any secret sauces, fancy breads, exotic cheeses, special meats, or vegetables. It’s just two lightly salted quarter pound patties of ground beef, six strips of bacon, two slices of cheese, ketchup, and mayonnaise in between a bun.

In this day and age of Ciabatta bread and chipotle peppers, the Baconator’s simplicity is comforting, like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk or nestling my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.

Of course, what’s not comforting about the Baconator is its nutritional values, which makes the Big Mac’s seem small, like a penis after being dunked in the cold water.

While the Baconator has 830 calories, 51 grams of fat, 22 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,920 milligrams of sodium, the Big Mac has the less artery-clogging values of 540 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol. and 1,040 milligrams of sodium.

With all that meat and its nutritional values, the Baconator is not a burger that you would want to eat often or during your recovery from triple bypass surgery or in the middle of a Weight Watchers meeting or in the lion’s den at a zoo or at a PETA protest. But if you can eat several of these in one sitting, you should be given the nickname, “Baconator-tor.”

Despite its unhealthiness and fugliness in the picture above, the Baconator a pretty good burger. It was smaller than I thought it would be, but it’s a pretty dense burger. As a matter of fact, when I was carrying the paper Wendy’s bag it came in, it kind of felt like it was going to fall through the bottom.

As for its taste, the smokiness from the bacon complimented well with the juicy ground beef patties and the two slices of cheese. The ketchup and mayonnaise added a nice creamy tomato flavor to it. All together, it created a simple, classic taste, like something I would’ve gotten from a drive-in restaurant from the 1950s.

But all is not perfect with this burger. Wendy’s claims the Baconator has six strips of bacon, and it technically does, but those strips were awfully short. I know bacon shrinks significantly when cooked, but it would probably take two or three strips from the Baconator to equal one strip of bacon from a package I bought from the store and fried on my own.

Overall, it’s a really good burger. Although, after eating one, I feel like my lifespan has shortened a little bit. Again, it’s simple with a classic taste, which I really like.

I wish I could say the same for the type of women I like, which is high-maintenance, high heels, and with a high tolerance of me.

Item: Wendy’s Baconator
Price: $6.49 (Small Combo)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Simple burger with a classic taste. Heavy burger. Half pound of beef. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk. Resting my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.
Cons: Six strips of bacon were small. Bad nutritional values that make the Big Mac’s look healthy. 2.5 grams of trans fat. Eating meat at a PETA protest. Eating a Baconator at a Weight Watchers meeting.