Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Angry Whopper

Marvo 53 Comments

With the name Angry Whopper, you would expect this burger to be one spicy mofo that burns worse than the penis of a 1980’s rocker who’s conquered way too many groupies. However, despite containing jalapeno slices, pepper jack cheese, spicy onion rings, and a spicy Angry Sauce, the Angry Whopper produced just a whimper.

The only anger I get from the Angry Whopper is the anger I feel for it not being spicy enough. The red Angry Sauce was more peppery than spicy, the onion rings tasted normal, and the pepper jack cheese produced jack shit in terms of spiciness. The pickled jalapeno was the only ingredient that produced any spicy heat.

On an angry scale of one to ten, with ten being Naomi Campbell beating your ass with a cell phone for not ensuring her Starbucks order was at her desired temperature of 63 degrees Celcius and one being an even-toned “I’m disappointed in you” from your laid back parents who don’t really believe in discipline, the Angry Whopper was a three, or a quick Three Stooges-esque slap to the head.

The Angry Whopper may not be able to burn Satan’s mouth or my own, but it’s damn tasty. The two ingredients that made me kind of forget about this burger’s lack of heat was the tangy Angry Sauce and the smokey bacon, both of which turned this burger into one delicious mamma jamma.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1670 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 37 grams of protein, and minutes of regret.)

Item: Angry Whopper
Price: $5.29
Size: 321 grams
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Angry Sauce was really good. Bacon. Best name for a Whopper spinoff EVER. Groupies.
Cons: Not very angry (spicy). Pricey. An insane amount of sodium. Getting beat down by a skinny supermodel with anger management problems. Parents who don’t believe in discipline. A burning penis.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich

Marvo 15 Comments

Carl’s Jr. has been promoting their new Charbroiled Steak Sandwich by saying it’s a cheap way for guys to get a steak dinner on a date, but I don’t think it’s the best strategy.

The cheapest way for some dude to get a steak dinner on date night is by going to an expensive steak place (Tip #1: Morton’s or Ruth Chris), ordering the most expensive steak on the menu, and when the bill comes, patting the pocket he usually keeps his wallet in and then frantically patting all of the pockets on his body (Tip #2: Wear cargo pants on the date because there will more pockets to pat). The dude should then deeply sigh, grimace, apologize, say he forgot his wallet at home, and ask his date if she could pay. After she does, he should tell her that he’s worried about identity theft so he needs to go home to find his wallet and he’ll call her later. When he gets home, he should call his date, tell her that he found his wallet, and then say he never wants to see her again because she is ugly and needs better personal hygiene, like flossing better or not putting on perfume that makes her smell like old fart.

(Tip #3: Get a new phone number after doing this. Actually, get a new phone number, move to a new city, and grow/shave off facial hair, because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.)

The attack on her self-consciousness will help her forget she just spent $100 on him and the only payment he’ll have to make is guilt, which goes away with a lot of alcohol.

(Tip #4: This freeloading has no gender bias. Women can also use these techniques on men.)

The Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich is probably the next cheapest way to get a steak dinner on a date. It’s significantly more compassionate than the best way, but it’s also significantly less tasty because it’s quite unexciting. The sandwich is made up of a 100% sirloin steak, topped with breaded onion rings, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise in a toasted roll.

The steak that comes with it is an actual piece of steak and not any of that ground Angus stuff that Burger King tries to push as a steak in their Steakhouse burgers. The steak was a little tough and didn’t really taste like steak, instead I thought it tasted more like pork chops. Being that there’s an actual piece of steak and the onion rings hardly added any flavor to it, I was hoping Carl’s Jr. would’ve added a steak sauce to it, like A1 Steak Sauce, Heinz 57, or maybe Worcestershire sauce.

The Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich is hearty like an steak, but unfortunately its flavor doesn’t match. It maybe a cheap way to get a steak dinner on date night, but I wouldn’t try it because hell hath no fury like a woman who is expecting a real steak dinner.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 700 calories, 38 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 32 grams of protein, and 0 grams of self-consciousness destruction.)

(Editor’s Note: See the Carl’s Jr. commercial for their Charbroiled Steak Sandwich below.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich
Price: $5.99 (sandwich only – $4.69 in the rest of the country)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Has an actual piece of steak. Lot of protein. Onion rings added a slight crunch. Getting a free steak dinner though deception.
Cons: Unexciting taste. Sirloin steak tasted like pork chops. Onion rings didn’t add much flavor. No steak sauce. High in sodium. The fury of scorn women. Guilt.

REVIEW: Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread

Marvo 19 Comments

After trying the Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich, I have realized that all other Subway sandwiches are as boring as watching child actors who don’t get addicted to drugs grow. The simple formula of bread that’s fluffier than a Jonas Brothers’ hairstyle, meat, veggies, and condiments gave me an option when I wanted fast food, but didn’t feel like eating a burger and fries, fake Mexican food, mediocre pizza, or 11 secret herbs and spices.

But there hasn’t been anything from Subway that has blown my mind or made me dream of bouncing up and down on a bed of Subway sandwiches. It turns out I didn’t eat them because they were good, I ate them because they were better for me than most things I could get though a drive-thru window. However, the Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich is the first Subway menu item that I would want to take home, sleep with, and then cook breakfast for in the morning, although with some regret days later because of the fear of catching an SHD (Sandwich Heart Disease).

The limited-time only sandwich is supposed to consist of chicken, olives, tomatoes, Tuscan spices, melted cheese, and a creamy spinach artichoke spread in between a folded piece of flatbread, but since Subway offers enough topping options to make extremely indecisive people freak out, I chose to fill my sandwich with provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and cucumbers to go along with the chicken and creamy spread.

The flatbread has the characteristics of pita bread and Keira Knightley — white, soft, slightly chewy and, of course, flat. It isn’t freshly baked, like their regular breads are, but who fucking cares? Their meats aren’t slaughtered in the back and their vegetables aren’t picked from an organic greenhouse on the roof, so I think it’s okay that the flatbread isn’t fresh. I do recommend you get the flatbread toasted, which warms it up very nicely and can provides some temporary heat during these winter months if stuffed into the right clothing pockets.

The ingredient that stands out, but doesn’t overpower, is the creamy spinach artichoke spread, which tastes like spinach dip and makes this sandwich so much better than all the other Subway sandwiches I’ve consumed that I want to build a time machine so that I can give younger versions of me this sandwich right before I order whatever boring Subway sandwich I decided on at the time — and so that I can bet on the Giants instead of the Patriots in the last Super Bowl. If you do decide to try this, I highly recommend that you do not add any mustard, mayonnaise, or any other extra sauce to it because the creamy spinach artichoke spread is all you need. Although, like most creamy spinach dips, which contain cheese, mayonnaise and/or sour cream, I imagine it can’t be very good for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich in front of me and I would like to spend some quality alone time with it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 520 calories, 22 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1330 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 35 grams of protein, 25% Vitamin A, 30% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, and 20% Iron.)

Item: Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread
Price: $4.99
Size: 7 inches
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s the best Subway sandwich I’ve ever had, thanks to the creamy spinach artichoke spread. When toasted, it can provide some temporary warmth during these cold winter months. No trans fat. Watching the train wreck lives of child actors who get addicted to drugs.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Not the healthiest thing on the Subway menu. Creamy spinach artichoke spread can’t be very healthy. High in sodium. Flatbread isn’t freshly baked. Losing money on the Patriots in the last Super Bowl.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Sirloin Steak Teriyaki Bowl

Ace 19 Comments

I love Jack in the Box. Not the food, but the character and everything that is associated with his adorable giant head. Let’s face it – he’s the greatest fast food mascot in the history of the universe. Jack is non-threatening, yet authoritative, pleasant and jovial without being silly. I even buy a Jack antenna ball for every season of the year and enjoy it thoroughly until it’s stolen. In this era of terrible white-guy-rap McDonald’s commercials, Jack brightens my day.

But then there’s the food. Their Ultimate Cheeseburger can leave you constipated for weeks and their egg rolls are filled with the saltiest pork mixture I’ve ever tasted, which is saying something because I eat fried salt pork as a snack. I know some people swear by them, but these are people who have probably never had a real egg roll as a reference point.

Jack in the Box’s latest foray into the realm of Asian-themed food comes in bowl form, fresh off the heels of their hideous yet tasty breakfast bowls. I guess this was the logical progression. The combo even comes with one of those aforementioned egg rolls for your dipping pleasure.

These sirloin steak and chicken teriyaki bowls are made up of white rice topped with julienne carrots, broccoli, and the meat of your choice covered in a sweet teriyaki sauce. At around five bucks, they are a bit pricey, but you do get a generous amount of meat in the bowl. But as they say, quantity doesn’t beat quality unless you’re trying to get drunk. My first taste led to a resounding shrug of the shoulders and a high-pitched “Eh,” a reaction that I felt was necessary even though I was eating lunch by myself.

The steak, while abundant, obviously came pre-packaged and had that unnaturally soft texture that frozen steak tends to have. Needs more tendony mouth feel, I’d say! Unlike Yoshinoya, however, the broccoli and carrots were sufficiently crunchy. All of this smacks of mediocrity and is quite literally topped off with the one-note sweetness of the teriyaki sauce. Completely uninteresting and bland come to mind. I say stick with Yoshinoya and their baby food-soft vegetables if you want Asian-style fast food, or better yet, try a Flame Broiler if you have one in your area.

It’s a noble effort from a mascot I love, but it’s only worthwhile as a last resort when you’re desperate for some teriyaki and the better places aren’t open.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 bowl – 650 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 45 mg of cholesterol, 1740mg sodium, 106 grams of carbs, 4 grams of fiber, and 30 grams of protein)

Item: Jack in the Box Steak Teriyaki Bowl
Price: $4.79
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Jack is a superior mascot. Branching out into ethnic foods can lead to possible future interesting foods. Steak is abundant and plentiful. Vegetables maintain their texture.
Cons: Steak has pre-packaged taste and texture. Sauce is obnoxiously sweet and ordinary. There’s probably a better variation of this bowl at Yoshinoya or a local joint. People stealing my Jack antenna balls.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito

Marvo 19 Comments

The Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is meant for the daring. It’s made for women who are willing to dance with the guy in the corner wearing sunglasses at night, with two popped collars, and clubgoers always form a large circle around him, not because he needs space to break out his dance moves, but because he has poor personal hygiene. It’s made for men who have the huge brass cojones to write a heart-warming sonnet that uses the Shakespearean rhyme scheme ABAB CDCD EFEF GG to proclaim their love for combing the manes of their My Little Ponies. It’s made for the small dogs who go up to significantly bigger dogs and bark the words, “You are my bitch.”

This breakfast burrito is only meant for the audacious diner because its ingredients list makes the KFC Famous Bowl seem a little less famous, like going from Alec Baldwin to Daniel Baldwin, and its nutritional values would make a doctor’s heart skip a beat. The cavalcade of ingredients not only consists of the trifecta of pig products — sausage, ham, and bacon — it also has scrambled eggs, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack cheese, shredded cheddar cheese, and white sausage gravy in a flour tortilla. It’s like they took George Orwell’s Animal Farm, wrapped it in tortilla, and scraped out the equines and communism.

With all of those ingredients, I was thinking some would overwhelm others, like normal people being stuffed in a room with Robin Williams clones, and it turns out that I was correct. All I could taste was the egg, tortilla, ham, and sausage gravy, although the white gravy was a little weak, making biscuits everywhere cry a little. I was hoping there would be a strong sausage and bacon flavor, but I guess ham is the Highlander and there can only be one in this breakfast burrito. The hash browns were soggy to the point where its texture was as soft as the eggs, so it didn’t add any crunch to it. Perhaps if I ate it in the restaurant instead of eating it ten minutes later in the comfort of my love shack, the hash brown would’ve still been crunchy. Despite not being able to taste all of the ingredients, it was decent as a ham and egg burrito, plus it had a nice heft to it, but I probably wouldn’t order it again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burrito – 770 calories, 47 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 495 milligrams of cholesterol, 1530 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 6 grams of dietary fiber, and 31 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE (with coupon from PR peeps)
Size: 308 grams
Purchased at: Carls’ Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Meant for the daring eater. Decent tasting as a ham and egg burrito, since that most of what I could taste.. High in protein. Six grams of dietary fiber. George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
Cons: Couldn’t taste sausage and bacon. Sausage gravy was a little weak. Hash brown were soggy. High in sodium and saturated fat. Being in a room filled with Robin Williams clones.