Tag: Fast Food

Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger

Marvo 23 Comments

Moderator: Good evening. I’m someone from PBS that you’ve never heard of and welcome to some dude’s living room for the first and only fast food debate between The King from Burger King and Marvo from the blog The Impulsive Buy. Tonight’s discussion will cover one topic, the new Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger. Let’s begin. This first questions goes to you, King. What is the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger and why is it so important?

The King: (Pulls out mushroom in one hand and swiss cheese in the other hand, smashes them together, and then rubs stomach.)

Moderator: Your response, Marvo.

Marvo: I agree with The King that mushrooms and swiss cheese are a classic combination and I was excited to see it come with this new burger. But it’s not just those two, it also contains crispy onions, A1 Steak Sauce on an Angus beef patty. This burger is important because the Whopper teat is dry and there aren’t anymore new variations to come up with. So Burger King needs a new burger to milk and the Steakhouse burgers are the tit they’re going to suck on.

Moderator: This next questions is for you, Marvo. Do you support the use of the extra wide oval-shaped Angus beef patty in this burger, instead of the usual round patties, like in the Whopper?

Marvo: That’s a great question, unnamed moderator from PBS. I’m an American and I enjoy stuffing meat into my mouth. I may have a little trouble sticking its whole girth in my mouth, but you know what they say, the bigger the meat, the better. The Angus patty is pretty big and if you take off the top bun of this burger, it looks like an aircraft carrier of crispy onions and mushrooms.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Nods, points to Marvo, and then gives a thumbs up.)

Moderator: The next question goes to you, King. (The King is not at his podium) Um…Where did he go?

(The King sneaks up on the moderator, offering him a Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger.)

Moderator: No thanks. Now if you would head back to your podium so that we can continue with this debate, you sneaky, freaky mo’fo. Now back to the question. Consumer groups have complained that some of Burger King’s menu items are extremely unhealthy, like the Triple Whopper, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and the BK Quad Stacker, and it seems the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger can also be added to the list. What are your thoughts about what these consumer groups have to say?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Marvo: Can I add something to what The King said?

Moderator: Go ahead.

Marvo: Thanks. I’ve tried a number of Burger King’s worst items and I believe that my life might’ve been shortened a little because of it, but I believe that regulation is what needs to be in place. It’s all right to eat these things once in awhile, but we have to regulate and moderate how often we eat a burger that has over 20 grams of saturated fat and 2,000 milligrams of sodium. I do like eating fast food, but I know I can’t eat it all the time because I enjoy being able to look down and see my penis.

Moderator: This question is for you, King. What do you think of the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger?

The King: (Rubs stomach and then gives a double thumbs up.)

Moderator: Do you have a response, Marvo?

Marvo: I have to disagree with The King. The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger looks really good on paper, but I was really disappointed with it. There were a lot of those crispy onions on it, but I wished there was just as many mushroom on it as well, because every bite that I took with a mushroom, along with all the other ingredients, was really good. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of mushrooms on the burger. I counted four small mushrooms on mine. Thankfully, the A1 Steak Sauce saved it from being a really lame burger, but again, the mushrooms would’ve totally made this burger, if there was significantly more of them.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Moderator: Well then, now we will move on to your closing statements. We will begin with you, Marvo.

Marvo: The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger could’ve been a great burger. The patty was a nice size and the A1 Steak Sauce was nice, but the lack of mushrooms was a totally downer. If you’re going to call it a mushroom & swiss burger, it better have a shitload of mushrooms. Thank you.

Moderator: Now your closing statements, King.

The King: (Moons audience. Tattoo of Wendy from Wendy’s shown on left butt cheek. Then storms off stage.)

Moderator: Well then, this concludes this debate. I’d like to thank The King and Marvo for participating. Good night.

Item: Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger
Price: $3.50
Size: Wide
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Big wide burger. Had the potential to be a really good burger. A1 Steak Sauce is a good condiment to add. Being able to see my penis.
Cons: Lack of mushrooms. Lack of any tomatoes or lettuce. Crispy onions added a crunchy texture, but not much to its taste. Don’t currently have nutrition info, but it’s probably bad for you. The King’s ability to sneak up on people. The King not being able to speak. The dry Whopper teat.

Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings

Ace 8 Comments

“Why would we fry a jalapeno?”

That was the response I got from the first Del Taco I went to. And it pretty much sums the crazy world of the fast food arms race that we live in. It took me four Del Taco’s and a gallon of gas before I finally arrived at a location that sold these mysterious treats. The Del Taco’s that don’t sell these looked at me like I was either insane or pulling a stupid prank. The Del Taco that did sell these things pimped them out like Christmas had come early. They are red and green, I suppose.

After realizing that I put far too much time and effort into finding something that most stoners have already made at home, I was finally able to try one of these crispy rings. My first mistake was popping one in my mouth while I was driving back home. Not only did the oil scorch my soft palate, but the combination of heat and fat managed to squeeze through my blood within a matter of seconds. I clutched at my heart as I felt a sharp sting run through my chest, nearly barreling off the road.

Don’t eat these while you’re driving.

I somehow made it home and opened the bag to find a meager box of deep-fried jalapeno slices that looked pretty sad and lonely in there. I looked through the rest of the bag incredulously, wondering why I paid $1.79 for what amounts to three jalapenos and a tablespoon of flour and water. I eventually got over it and ate a few more pieces before my body forced me to stop. The slices have been pickled, so you’ll get some moisture once you bite past the crispy-as-advertised outer batter. Other than that, they’re just fried jalapenos that will almost certainly give you nausea or a stomachache if you eat the whole thing.

I should note that it comes with what is advertised as a white “secret sauce” that looks and tastes just like Trader Joe’s tahini sauce. That is to say, it pretty much tastes like watered down yogurt. I would tell you what it tastes like with some ranch dipping sauce, but Del Taco doesn’t have that and basically shut me down when I asked. Bastards!

Stick with jalapeno poppers for now. They might not come in festive colors, but at least you’ll have some cream cheese to cheer your up.

Item: Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings
Price: $1.79
Purchased at: Del Taco
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Batter stays extremely crispy for a while. Jalapeno slices are plenty spicy. Comes in two colors.
Cons: Pricey for the amount you get. Special sauce does not taste very special. The feeling inside of your body after consuming deep fried jalapenos.

Jamba Juice White Gummi

Marvo 27 Comments

White or clear gummi bears are a rare species, despite being around as long as other species of gummi bears. It seems like every time I find myself among a sloth of gummi bears, there are hardly any white gummi bears around. Perhaps they are endangered or because of their semi-clear bodies they blend into their environment, making them hard to see, or maybe they like to stay hidden because they are embarrassed by their semen-like color.

They say the white gummi bear is the least ferocious among the different varieties. When faced with danger, it prefers to use diplomacy and gifts rather than its claws and teeth in a fight. It chooses this route because it doesn’t like to see the money it spent on manicures and teeth whitening to go to waste, and it doesn’t like blood because it can easily become stained on its clear coat. If diplomacy and gifts don’t work, the white gummi bear will show its teeth and consult with its lawyer to find out what actions it should take. The lack of violence is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of sophistication.

With their clear bodies, white gummi bears are masters of concealment, and if you do catch a glimpse of an adult during the day, it’s generally not doing very much at all, just watching soap operas and talk shows. Adults are generally solitary, much more secretive than red or green gummi bears and are considered the emo members of the group. Because of their stealth, white gummi bears — not surprisingly — are the least known of all gummi bears and are no fun to play hide-and-seek with.

White gummi bears are also the least popular among all other gummi bears, usually because they lack a “fun color” that makes the homies say “ho” and the girlies wanna scream, and because they are snobby assholes. Despite being stuck up, the semen-colored, pineapple-flavored white gummi bear is my favorite and I am notorious for pulling all of them out of a big bag of gummi bears, keeping them for myself.

Over the years, I’ve heard rumors of a white gummi bear flavored Jamba Juice smoothie that’s part of a “secret menu” that you won’t find on the menu board and also involves a secret handshake and password. So I put on my best safari khaki outfit and journeyed out in search of the elusive Jamba Juice White Gummi, which turned out to be not so elusive since I was able to order it at the first Jamba Juice I went to.

The Jamba Juice White Gummi tasted exactly like a white gummi bear and it was damn good…and damn sweet. It was so sweet that I’m surprised my teeth didn’t rot away while sucking it down. After doing some research, it turns out that the smoothie consists of peach juice, raspberry sherbet, lime sherbet, pineapple sherbet, and mango, which sounds healthy, but with all the sherbet included, it probably has enough sugar to power a small home, if that home was powered by a little boy on a treadmill who was fed the Jamba Juice White Gummi.

Item: Jamba Juice White Gummi
Price: $4.95
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a white gummi bear. Really good. Knowing what a group of bears is called. Saving on your energy bill by having a home powered by a little boy on a treadmill.
Cons: Really sweet. It’s probably extremely bad for you. Not on menu board at Jamba Juice. White gummi bears are no fun to play hide-and-seek with. Might not be available at all Jamba Juice locations. White gummi bears being semen colored.

Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper

Marvo 21 Comments

The new Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper is very similar to the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. It’s like Ronald McDonald and The King are taking the essay portion of the SAT Exam and The King is looking over Ronald’s shoulder with his huge head and copying his essay almost verbatim. If I were Ronald McDonald, I would be pissed and gather all my McDonaldland friends, find the house where The King is hiding out, and then beat down his plastic face and whopper of an ass with some golden arches.

This is how I would plan it out. I’d get Grimace, because he would be the muscle, or at least could ask stupid questions to disorient The King. The Hamburglar’s lock picking skills can get us through any door. Birdie the Early Bird can be aerial surveillance, like a police chopper, in case The King gets away. The Gobblins and the McNugget Buddies can be ground surveillance, since they’re small and hard to detect. Officer Big Mac can restrain The King with his handcuffs, and if necessary, knock a few fake plastic teeth from The King’s fake smile via pistol whipping. Finally, Mayor McCheese can oversee the operation and handle any of the logistics, because if he can run a town, he can manage a beat down. Once they give The King a taste of his own medicine and sneak up on him, I would send Ronald McDonald with the previously mentioned golden arches and have him beat that crown right off The King’s head.

The Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper consisted of spicy, crispy chicken, three types of shredded cheese, and a Southwest sauce wrapped in a soft tortilla. What stood out most was the flatness of the chicken, which looked like a wide BK Chicken Fry or it got a beating from an irate Ronald McDonald armed with golden arches. Another weird thing about this product is that, at times, it tasted like a soft beef taco from Taco Bell with mild sauce. Speaking of spicy, the Southwest sauce added to the BK wrap gave it a weak kick. On a heat scale of 1-10, with ten being an eternity spent in hell and one being the heat from a cell phone used to replace a lighter at a concert, the Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper was a three on the heat scale.

Despite being available for a limited time only and somewhat tasty, I don’t think I’m going to rush out to my nearest BK and gorge on the reasonably priced Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper while I can, because it’s not very spicy and I’m afraid of the consequences if Ronald McDonald and his McDonaldland friends catch me eating one.

(Nutrition Facts – Couldn’t find it on Burger King website. I could make them up, but I would use a lot of commas. For example, I would probably say that it has 10,000,000,000 milligrams of sodium. Of course, this would be 100 percent false, but if it encourages Burger King to post the actual nutrition facts, I’m going to say that it does.)

Item: Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper
Price: $1.49
Size: 6 inches
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced. Tasty. Crunchy chicken. A fight between Ronald McDonald and The King. The Hamburglar’s lock picking skills.
Cons: Not very spicy. Chicken was flattened. At times, it tasted like a soft taco from Taco Bell. Similar to the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. No nutrition facts on website. Getting attacked by Ronald McDonald and his McDonaldland friends.

Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie

Marvo 20 Comments

The Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie seems like it is supposed to give buyers the opportunity to experience Jamba Juice whenever they want, but I feel that fruity experience goes beyond what’s sucked through a straw.

It’s not Jamba Juice without having people judge you for the free boost you choose. It’s not Jamba Juice without the bright colored walls and employees that dress how you wish you could dress at your job — in a t-shirt and jeans. It’s not Jamba Juice without the whirring of powerful blenders that force you to yell your order at a decibel reserved for misbehaving children and clubs that play shitty hip-hop mixes, but can blend your smoothie together in less than a minute. The Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie may not come with all of that, but even if it did, what’s inside the bottle is a poor representation of Jamba Juice that could turn the bright colored walls of one of its stores into a drab color that’s usually reserved for poor bridesmaid dress choices.

Despite the front of the bottle clearly stating it has mango, orange, and peach, if you look at the ingredients list, there is also white grape, banana, and pineapple. Why so secretive about those other fruits? Who knows? But even if they weren’t so unforthcoming, sticking all of the fruits prominently on the front of the bottle would be a graphic designer’s nightmare equivalent to being forced to run the latest version of Photoshop with only 125 megabytes of RAM.

With all of those fruits in there, you would expect an explosion of fruity flavors that would make Barney Rubble stop stealing Fred’s Fruity Pebbles, but the only fruits I could really taste were the peach and orange. Its flavor was decent, but not being able to taste the mango, which I love for its taste and aphrodisiac abilities, was disappointing. Although the smoothie’s texture was slightly creamy, it didn’t come close to the thick, icy goodness of blended smoothies. Also, normal Jamba Juice smoothies are a really good source for vitamins and minerals, but the Jamba Juicie wasn’t.

However, there were two things that the Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie had in common with most regular Jamba Juice smoothies. First, it comes with a fiber boost, which provides a nice five grams of dietary fiber. Secondly, like most Jamba Juice drinks, it’s kind of pricey at $3.49 for 12.5 ounces.

Overall, I’m not impressed with Jamba Juice’s attempt at pre-mixed drinks. It may work for Starbucks, but the Jamba Juicie isn’t so juicy. (Get it? Ha! I. Am. So. Lame.) So if you have a hankering for a Jamba Juice smoothie, I suggest you skip the Jamba Juicie and get the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 52 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 45 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 20% Calcium, 20% Vitamin C, and 6% Iron.)

Item: Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie
Price: $3.49
Size: 12.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Fat free. Fiber boost provides 5 grams of dietary fiber. Uses non-fat milk. Extra fruits added. Getting to wear a t-shirt and jeans at work.
Cons: Jamba Juicie isn’t so juicy. Pricey for what you get. Couldn’t taste the mango. Not high in vitamins and minerals as regular Jamba Juice smoothies. Texture was like slightly creamy, but not close to an actual smoothie. Running Photoshop with only 125 megabytes of RAM.