Tag: Fast Food

Taco Bell Volcano Taco

Ace 35 Comments

Why must Taco Bell insist on painting the taco shell red for their Volcano Taco to let you know that it’s spicy? Most of us are probably functionally retarded during the times we’re eating there at two in the morning, but it doesn’t give them carte blanche to rub it in our faces. We shouldn’t take this lying down, no matter how fat and lazy their food has made us!

This is Taco Bell flipping us off with one hand and biting their thumb with the other. We already knew that their product wasn’t healthy, but now they’re basically admitting the food is by no means real or to be taken seriously. You might as well swing by the drive-thru window and ask for a cup of Play-Doh so you can make your own taco shells at home.

Aside from the food coloring, I was excited about the prospect of a new affordable taco with a “cheesy lava sauce” that would allow me to spew fire and blow smoke from my head. As I was figuring out the logistics of trying how to make a taco stand up for a picture, I had two of my buds perform an informal taste test.

The first looked rather disgusted and deadpanned that it “tastes like old mayonnaise” as he reached for a bottle of beer.

The second response started off more promising. “I like it better than a regular taco,” he nodded, before continuing, “I’d probably give it a 4 out of 10.”

Apparently, he doesn’t like Taco Bell’s regular tacos very much.

I agree with his score, but not with his original assessment. Taco Bell’s original tacos are unabashedly generic Tex-Mex tacos, but they typically hit the spot. Even doused with hot sauce, the smattering of iceberg lettuce does an admirable job of being a refreshing palate cleanser.

With the Volcano Taco, the cheese sauce overwhelms all of the other ingredients and leaves you with a rather tangy aftertaste. I wouldn’t say that it tastes like bad mayonnaise, but it does have a pretty thick and heavy mouth feel which threw me off a bit. In regards to the heat, I’d say that the red shell warning was unnecessary. It’s moderately spicy, but it’s not anything that will have you blowing fire or reaching for the nearest icy beverage.

Unless, of course, it’s to wash the taste out of your mouth.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 taco – 240 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams sodium, 14 gram of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Volcano Taco
Price: 89 cents
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cheaper than most of their items that come with cheese sauce. Moderately spicy. The ability to breathe fire.
Cons: Not nearly as spicy as advertised. Tangier and thicker sauce than I expected. Sauce masks the taste of lettuce, beef, and shredded cheese. Aftertaste is not pleasant.

Jack in the Box Pita Snacks

Marvo 30 Comments

First off, if you’re reading this review in the morning, I apologize for the rude awakening the picture above of the new Jack in the Box Pita Snacks has given you. If you’re reading this review in the evening, I would like to say I’m sorry for the nightmares the photo on top are about to give you. I know the picture above looks as scary as a photo of the Doodlebops. Oh crap! If you just clicked that link for pictures of the Doodlebops, I apologize for the possible nightmare orgy of Pita Snacks and brightly dressed children’s television show characters, which could eventually lead to a rainbow orgy in your mind of Yo Gabba Gabba!, Doodlebops, and Teletubbies.

If you love chomping down on animals, the Jack in the Box pretty much has most of your meats covered with their Pita Snacks, offering it in chicken (center), beef (right), and fish (left). The chicken one comes with either the deliciously unhealthy crispy chicken or the slightly less daring grilled chicken, the beef version consists of strips of marinated sirloin steak, while the fish one has a breaded fish fillet. All Pita Snacks also feature shredded cheddar cheese, shredded lettuce, and a chipotle sauce wrapped in a pita made with whole grain.

I was pleasantly surprised by the Jack in the Box Pita Snacks in size and taste. Despite have the word “Snack” in its name, they were remarkably well-sized. I was afraid its size was going to be disappointing like the KFC Snacker or a male Asian porn star, but they were as big as a Taco Bell Chalupa, except with less farting.

I tried the grilled chicken, sirloin, and fish versions in one sitting and pretty much enjoyed them all, thanks to the chipotle sauce, which gave the Pita Snacks a nice heat and flavor, but didn’t overwhelming the meat in them. Without the sauce, each Pita Snack would be the equivalent of a telenovela without the steamy love triangle and excessive face slaps. The grilled chicken and sirloin were tender and the breaded fish had a nice crunchy coating, although that crunch coating probably caused the fish version to be unhealthier than the other two.

The iceberg lettuce didn’t add much to the pita package, which really wasn’t surprising since iceberg lettuce has never made a significant contribution to any dish. As for the cheddar cheese, it also didn’t add anything to the Pita Snacks, but its radioactive orange color might make it easier for your subconscious mind to stick the Jack in the Box Pita Snacks into your nightmare orgy of fuzzy children’s television characters.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pita snack – Fish – 380 calories, 19 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 170 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein. Grilled Chicken – 310 calories, 13 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 210 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, Sirloin Steak – 350 calories, 16 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 19 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Pita Snacks
Price: $2.99 ($1.99 in most other places)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Grilled chicken)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Sirloin steak)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Fish)
Pros: Chipotle sauce was tasty and spicy, but not too spicy. Pita made with whole grain, but what isn’t made out of whole grain nowadays. Bigger than I thought they would be. Tender grilled chicken and sirloin. Less farting than a Taco Bell Chalupa. Reasonably priced at $1.99.
Cons: Eating three in one sitting. Use of iceberg lettuce. Messy to eat. Fish had 2 grams of trans fat and was the unhealthiest of the three. Lettuce and cheese didn’t add much. A rainbow orgy of fuzzy children’s television characters haunting your dreams. Having to pay $2.99 for each, instead of the more reasonably priced $1.99.

Genuine Broaster Chicken

Ace 24 Comments

Fried chicken has always been like a hot booty call: ready and satisfying any time I had the urge, but bad for me and probably more dangerous and full of chemicals than I’d like to admit. This is why my first taste of the healthier Broaster Chicken was the culinary equivalent of finding Jesus in a tortilla. Questions came flooding down the previously frozen glacier of my head: Where has this been all my life? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Is this all a dream?

Thankfully, I wasn’t in a bad 80’s sitcom and the chicken was in fact real. Broasted chicken, as I am told by their website, is pressure-cooked with some secret method using a secret marinade which cuts the fat nearly in half while retaining the meat’s moisture. I still don’t understand how they got the word “broasted” from a method of pressure frying, but I’ve gone far beyond the point of caring.

If I sound like a corporate shill, it’s because I want to run into every KFC and start violently shaking people by their shirts as I screamed obscenities at them. KFC is no doubt delicious, but it pales in comparison to this magical chicken that I consumed. The crispy and light skin was topped with delectable cajun spices. The best part is that a patting with a napkin yielded no grease spots. If I ever saw a dieter throwing the skin away, I would almost certainly have to run and tackle the person.

Inside the first piece was the juiciest breast meat ever, which seems almost oxymoronic by typical fried chicken standards. The other piece of chicken was the best use of a thigh since gymnast Shawn Johnson used her running back-like legs to win gold during the Olympics.

Sold in select delis and restaurants around the nation, I’m assuming that the quality of Genuine Broaster Chicken may vary. If done right, as with this Huckleberry’s location in Orange County, it should come to you cooked to order with a Korean lady warning you that the chicken is still hot. She will offer you hot sauce, but you decline, already anticipating the natural flavors of this miracle bird.

It is at this point that you will embrace the majesty of your lips caressing the chicken. And in this moment of ecstasy you will think of me. This will probably be very confusing for you until you take your next bite and go on for the rest of the meal without a care in the world.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 breast – 315 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 139 mg of cholesterol, 1360mg sodium, 5 grams of carbs, and 43 grams of protein)

Item: Genuine Broaster Chicken
Price: $5.99 (2-piece combo)
Purchased at: Huckleberry’s Sandwiches and Chicken (check store locator at Broaster.com)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Less fat than regular fried chicken. Breast meat is actually very moist. Skin is not greasy at all and well-flavored with cajun seasonings. Skin is light yet very crispy.
Cons: I’m assuming that quality may vary depending on the location. Getting tasered for shaking people at your local KFC. Thinking of me during your moment of ecstasy.

Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee

Marvo 28 Comments

Coffee superpower Starbucks has made a significant impact in the world. For some, it’s hard to imagine a world without Starbucks, so for those people I’ll use my imagination to give them an idea of it would be like. Without Starbucks, people wouldn’t spend days of their lives waiting in line for something called a Frappuccino; the term “Starbucks Run” wouldn’t exist, except in Battlestar Galactica; Borders and Barnes & Noble book stores would have more room for books; and we wouldn’t have mediocre iced coffee drinks from fast food restaurants that want to hitch onto the Starbucks coffee train, like the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee.

Flavored iced coffee was created for people who say they love coffee, but put so much cream and/or sugar in it that it turns the coffee into something that’s culinarily considered a dessert. I expected Jack in the Box to eventually come out with their own take on iced coffee, since both McDonald’s and Burger King each introduced an iced coffee within the past year.

It’s like these three fast food establishments are playing a game with consumers called Fat Fuck that involves one of them introducing a product and the others coming up with a variation of it, hoping that patrons will try all of them and choose the better one, which in turn causes the consumer to eat fast food more than they should, turning them into a fat fuck. It’s like the opposite of The Biggest Loser.

The Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee, made from a blend of French roast coffee, had probably the least amount of caramel flavor legally possible before you can’t call it “caramel,” because I could hardly taste it. That lack of flavor made the beverage significantly more bitter than sweet, so it tasted pretty much like a normal iced coffee, which is another flavor Jack in the Box offers, along with vanilla. I tried the caramel one at two different Jack in the Box locations and both of them had an extremely light caramel flavor. Perhaps the only item that stands out about the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee is its inexpensive price, which makes Starbucks look like Neiman Marcus.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 90 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 250 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and one more fast food chain trying to hitch onto the Starbucks train.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for suggesting to subject my taste buds to this mediocre iced coffee.)

Item: Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee
Price: $2.19 ($1.69 at most other JITB)
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. Low fat. It’s cold. Ice cubes. 90 calories for 16 ounces. It comes in a cup. Putting it on my nipples will give me a wonderful sensation.
Cons: Extremely light caramel flavor. Not for those who like their iced coffee to be more sweet than bitter. The efforts of fast food companies to hitch a ride on the Starbucks train. Playing Fat Fuck. The word Frappuccino.

Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger

Marvo 18 Comments

Dear Jack,

I’ll get straight to the point with this letter. Please stop making new menu items, because I believe Death by Jack in the Box is no way to go. Your big white head that speaks telepathically might say that I have the option to choose between eating and not eating your food, but from a quasi-product review blog editor’s prospective, that’s not an option, because just like flies to shit, the lure of an intriguing new product will always direct me to your drive-thru, such is the case with your Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger.

Please give your R&D people a break. I thought there were only so many things one could do with burgers, but your hard working R&D people have proven me wrong time and time again. They’ve put so many things in between buns that they probably would make the kinkiest gay German porn star blush.

With the influx of new Jack in the Box products recently, like the Hearty Breakfast Bowl, Cheesy Macaroni Bites, and Pita Snacks, it makes me wonder if your R&D department is a perpetual pregnant woman and their vagina has been stretched out so much that new ideas just fall out of them whenever they stand up.

I’m not sure how they conceive your products, and I really don’t want to see an awkward video of the fast food birds and the bees, but I’m kind of glad they gave birth to the very tasty Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, which is made up of a beef patty topped with a cheddar cheese sauce and sliced jalapenos in between a bun.

The jalapenos gave the burger a nice heat, but not enough to think I might have contracted a burning sensation from a drunken starlet. The cheddar cheese sauce added nicely to the burger’s flavor and was as gooey and as radioactive in color as I would expect. Perhaps the only real negative about the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger was its size, which I thought was kind of small, but then I remembered that I paid a reasonable buck and a half for one.

With that kind of ringing endorsement of the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, you would think I would want more new products to try, but my body can only take so much and I think it’s nearing its limit of Jack in the Box food. So Jack, please cut back. I don’t want a heart attack.

Sincerely yours,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – Nutrition facts not available on website or I just couldn’t find them.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jason for recommending the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger. If anyone else wants to recommend something, please make sure it’s a salad or something that won’t give me high blood pressure.)

Item: Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger
Price: $1.49 ($1.29 everywhere else)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Jalapenos gave it a good kick, but not too much of a kick. Reasonably priced.
Cons: Kind of small, so it probably won’t make a good lunch by itself. My attraction to new products that are probably bad for me. I couldn’t find nutritional information. Death by Jack in the Box.