Tag: Fast Food

Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger

Marvo 34 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen. I am about to do something amazing right now. I am going to eat the Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger here in front of you in one sitting. I know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at the burger and thinking to yourself that it seems like an easy feat to accomplish, like beating a five-year-old at arm wrestling or making out with Tila Tequila.

But let me tell you that this here burger is no mere burger, ladies and gentlemen. The Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger features a seasoned sirloin patty on a bakery-style bun with bacon, American cheese, fried onion rings, and a BBQ sauce. This burger has the ability to make nutritionists cry, turn the obese obese-er, and make an Olsen twin look pregnant if eaten whole. Now watch as I stick this burger in my mouth.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself that sticking the burger into my mouth didn’t look too hard, but let me tell you that this burger had the capacity to make many things hard, like my arteries and Jack’s cock since these pricey sirloin burgers are making him a ton of money. Let me take another bite from the burger.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Ladies and gentlemen. I have taken several bites from the Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger and it appears that I have not been affected by it, but the truth be told, that I have been deeply affected by it. When I am done with this burger, 1,010 calories, 49 grams of fat, 5 grams of trans fat, 2,190 milligrams of sodium, and 91 grams of carbs will have entered my body. To rid myself of all of this, I am forced to do something extreme, called exercise. Let me partake in another bite from the burger.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, it is difficult to completely consume this burger, because it is very bland. Despite all of its ingredients, none of them were noticeable. The BBQ sauce was very light in flavor, the onion rings had no taste, and the sirloin patty was disappointing. If this burger actually tasted good, I wouldn’t feel so bad about risking my health for it. It’s like I would have sex with Tara Reid, if I knew by doing so, she wouldn’t make anymore movies. Let me take another bite from the burger.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

I give up! Uncle! Uncle! I am sorry to disappoint, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, I am unable to consume the entire burger within one sitting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat tofu and rice for the rest of the week to detox.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 1,010 calories, 49 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 5 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 2,190 milligrams of sodium, 690 milligrams of potassium, 91 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 52 grams of protein, and 1,000 grams of regret.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to yawnie and dramastically for suggesting this burger. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.)

Item: Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger
Price: $7.19 (small combo)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Hearty burger. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Having sex with Tara Reid if it means she would no longer do any acting.
Cons: Motherfucking unhealthy. Lack of vegetables that aren’t deep fried. BBQ taste was almost nonexistent. Onion rings didn’t add anything, except a crunch. Making out with Tila Tequila.

REVIEW: IHOP Who-Cakes

Marvo 45 Comments

At a table in the back is a parent who doesn’t care.
Their child is giving them their spoiled glare.
They whine and swear about how it’s not fair.
“I WANT WHO-CAKES!” is what they blare.
Others in the restaurant hear it, then stop and stare.
So the parent orders IHOP Who-Cakes out of despair.

The impatient kid slams the utensils in a hissy fit.
I mutter a little whit, “Fucking spoiled little shit.”
Loud brat has me thinking vasectomy, I will admit.
This child’s parent is unfit, just like that bitch Brit.
When the Who-Cakes came, I thought it’ll quiet for a bit.
But that little annoying bundle of hell wouldn’t quit.

The Who-Cakes are something no child should eat.
The frosting colors seem unnatural and sweet.
It’s like a volcano spewing M&M’s and clown excrete.
I won’t consider it a meal on its own, it’s more like a treat.
I know having one could make diabetes and me meet.
So I pray for the best, order the Who-Cakes and feel replete.

I can’t believe these IHOP Who-Cakes is what I crave.
There are so many things about it that makes me afraid.
Blue and pink berry frosting made to look like a cascade.
A pink lollipop stabbed through, so no pancake strayed.
Because of this, Dr. Seuss’ body is rolling in its grave.
It also did that after the Cat in the Hat movie was made.

I only ate half of the IHOP Who-Cakes on the plate.
There wasn’t enough of the frosting on it to regulate.
It tasted like pancakes with blueberries that were fake.
M&M’s in breakfast food seems weird to partake.
The bubblegum flavored lollipop was its best trait.
The sugar in this dish will probably add some weight.

Even the noisy, spoiled little punk couldn’t eat it through.
Fortunately, overdosing on sugar caused him to be subdue.
This mountain of hot cakes and candy isn’t worth it to pursue.
I can’t believe IHOP had a movie tie-in for Horton Hears A Who.
Thankfully, once the movie stops playing we will bid it adieu.
So until then, please consider making the Who-Cakes taboo.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Caroline for suggesting the IHOP Who-Cakes and subjecting me to children who were like little bundles of joy, if joy were a swift kick to the head.)

Item: IHOP Who-Cakes
Price: $4.99
Purchased at: IHOP
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Bubblegum flavored lollipop. NKOTB reunion.
Cons: Tastes like artificial blueberry pancakes when eating with unnatural colored frosting. Not a complete breakfast. Not enough frosting crap on it. Candy + pancakes = possible diabetes. Frosting colors don’t occur in nature. No nutritional facts on website.

Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger

Ace 48 Comments

When The King isn’t watching you sleep or molesting your children, he’s in the corporate test kitchen. He’s probably molesting the chefs too, but what he’s really doing is finding ways to slowly kill you with fat so that he may harvest your organs to pay for the medical bills that come from maintaining that abnormally large head of his. It’s no surprise that he managed to get this gut-busting Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger green-lit.

There’s also a regular Steakhouse Burger that has lettuce and tomatoes, but for entertainment purposes I decided to go with the more gastronomically disgusting Loaded variety. It’s a cubed angus steak (basically chewy ground beef), about ten strips of bacon, A1 Sauce, fried onion strings, and “loaded mashed potatoes on a corn-dusted bun. I use the term “loaded” very loosely because I got a smear of mashed potatoes the size of a pat of butter. “Ripped Off” mashed potatoes would be much more fitting.

Of course, I haven’t even gotten to the insanity inherent in a burger with mashed potatoes as a selling point. KFC already crossed several lines with their Famous Bowls, but the PR people at Burger King took it to another level by trying to sell this burger as “the indulgence of an entire steak dinner at a fraction of the cost.” What they fail to mention is that the steak dinner they are referring to is Banquet’s Salisbury Steak, which is on sale at your local supermarket for 99 cents, ironically a fraction of the $6.99 you’ll be paying for this combo.

Once you get down to it, you’re paying a rather hefty price for a rather meager burger that consists of dry, chewy beef, a pig’s ass worth of bacon, a gentle wipe of mashed potatoes, and some crushed Funyuns. This is the type of burger that you should be absolutely embarrassed to order. It is the type of burger that is only dreamt up by the fattest of all fat people and the stoniest of all stoners. The type of burger that you want to tell your mom about, but are too afraid because she would think you were shooting up heroin with the wrong crowd.

Don’t let The King harvest your organs. Boycott this overpriced monstrosity.

Item: Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger
Price: $6.99 for medium combo
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: A ridiculous yet ballsy concept for a burger. A fun story to tell your friends about after it gets pulled. A1 sauce tastes a little better than Burger King’s barbecue sauce.
Cons: Burger is way smaller than advertised. Almost no mashed potatoes. Onions are nearly non-existent. Angus beefsteak is chewy and flavorless. Horrendously overpriced. The King.

Wendy’s Spicy Baconator

Marvo 27 Comments

After all the rejected advances on women, Fs on my college report cards, cancellation of all the shows Tom Cavanagh has been in, and not achieving my dream of being the The Village People’s leatherman because I could not properly make the letter “C” with my arms, I should be used to disappointment by now. But I am again deeply disappointed by the Wendy’s Spicy Baconator.

I thought the Spicy Baconator would be just as good as the original Wendy’s Baconator with its two hamburger patties, six small strips of bacon, jalapenos, two slices of pepper jack cheese, and chipotle ranch sauce. The jalapenos add a decent amount of heat to the burger, but don’t add any flavor. It’s like Charo without the “Cuchi-Cuchi.”

Wait. Was that too old of a reference?

Anyhoo, without the jalapenos, the burger was pretty bland, not even the chipotle ranch sauce or the bacon could save it, which was disappointing since bacon can usually save anything. Just ask slightly wilted salads, overcooked baked potatoes, and people being chased by cougars or Kirstie Alley.

Oh disappointment! You rain upon me like tears of a little boy who has had their candy taken from them or who have shared a bed with Michael Jackson.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of cholesterol, 1850 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 58 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 15% Vitamin C, 35% Calcium, 40% Iron, and 75% disappointment.)

Item: Wendy’s Spicy Baconator
Price: $6.49 (small combo)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Spicy. Bacon. Wearing leather. Most shows with Tom Cavanagh.
Cons: Disappointing. 2.5 grams of trans fat. Jalapenos don’t add anything to flavor. Bland without the jalapenos. Sauce was lame. Charo without the “Cuchi-Cuchi.” Being chased by Kirstie Alley.

Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake

Marvo 21 Comments

Kona Coffee is known worldwide as one of the best varieties of coffee. To reach that level of excellence, you may think there’s something special about the town of Kona, like it’s a magical place where coffee beans rain down from the sky and the wonderful smell of coffee lingers like the aroma of urine in every public stairwell.

You may think the beans are collected by little men called Menehune who come out of their tiny grass huts at night and each bean is carried on a donkey-shaped cloud to a magic grinder that uses the bones of unicorns to turn the coffee beans into a fine dust for the world to enjoy. Sadly, I’m here to let you know that Kona is not the magical coffee heaven on Earth that you may think. Kona is just like most towns.

There’s a Wal-Mart, Kmart, multiplex movie theater, Costco, Home Depot, Borders, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe, a couple of Starbucks, a variety of national fast food restaurants, and there used to be a shitty Sizzler. Also, the coffee isn’t picked up by Menehune, it’s picked off of trees by Filipino immigrants.

So what makes Kona Coffee good?

I don’t know, but whatever it is I wished the new Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake had some of it. I’m a big fan of Jack’s Oreo Shake, which I order whenever I want to add a second chin or another dimple on my ass, but I don’t feel the same way about this creamy coffee-flavored milkshake. The coffee flavor was noticeable, but not strong enough for those who have Starbucks flowing through their veins. I didn’t really think it tasted like Kona Coffee, but it did taste like all the faux Kona Coffee products I’ve tried over the years.

Another problem I had with the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake was its thickness. I couldn’t get that thickness into my mouth, not even with my vacuum-like oral sucking skillz. I sucked and sucked, but it was hard to get the creamy goodness into my mouth. After awhile, all that sucking just made my mouth sore and I waited for that thickness to get soft before I tried sucking it again. When it did get soft, I was able to suck it dry.

But I really wished I also had the option to spoon the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake
Price: $3.09 (regular-sized)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mah oral sucking skillz. Cool. Creamy. If you like the fake Kona Coffee taste, you’ll like this. Jack in the Box Oreo Shake. Costco. Real Kona Coffee. Spooning.
Cons: Coffee flavor was light. The aroma of urine in every public stairwell. Thickness of milkshake was a little too thick for my mouth. Kona is not a magical place.