Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: McDonald’s Chicken Selects

Marvo 16 Comments

McDonald's Chicken Selects

Damn, I’m such an idiot!

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the spicy buffalo sauce for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

The voices in my head were telling me I should go for the tangy low-fat honey mustard or the creamy ranch dipping sauce, because there was no way the McDonald’s spicy buffalo sauce could even come close to the sauce Hooters uses for their spicy, hot, juicy, voluptuous boob…I mean…Buffalo wings.

Maybe it was the carbon monoxide from the beat up Volkswagon Golf in front of me in the drive-thru lane that prevented me from changing my mind. Or it could have been the thoughts of bouncing Hooters girls.

Yes, Hooters girls…Ummm…

Uh, what?

Oh!

So what makes these Chicken Selects better than the not-so-select Chicken McNuggets?

Most notable: They don’t have the embarrassing name of McNuggets.

Check this out. If you use the word “McNuggets” to replace the word “testicles” in any sentence, people will still understand the sentence.

For example: The Hamburgler was kicked in the McNuggets by Mayor McCheese, as he tried to steal hamburgers from that big fat purple blob, Grimace.

Oh yeah, I forgot: Robble! Robble!

So I was stuck with the spicy buffalo sauce, which wasn’t very good. Just like the voices in my head predicted. However, if there was something good that came out of this, it would be getting a five-piece Chicken Selects meal instead of the three-piece meal I ordered. Bonus, baby!

Two more premium-quality, 100 percent white chicken breast meat, seasoned and lightly breaded so they are crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside that I get to dip into a spicy buffalo sauce that I don’t like.

Thank goodness for universal condiment: Ketchup.

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Selects
Purchase Price: $4.39 (3 pc Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: White chicken breast meat. Accidentally got 5 pieces. Heh, heh…McNuggets!
Cons: Spicy buffalo sauce wasn’t that good. Slightly expensive for just 3 pieces. Robble! Robble!

REVIEW: KFC Snacker

Marvo 2 Comments

KFC Snacker

I was going to start off this review with some sexual analogy about how some women say size doesn’t matter. Then I realized how overused these types of analogies are. I’ve even used it in a previous review. I didn’t want to stoop to that level again, because this is a classy, well-respected quasi-review website that averages 20 visitors a day.

I could have said something like, “The KFC Snacker is small, but many people say it’s cute.”

Or I could have said, “The KFC Snacker maybe small, but it tries its best to get the job done.”

Or “The KFC Snacker is small, because it admits it’s very cold outside.”

Or “It’s not the size of the KFC Snacker that matters, it’s the motion of the ocean of secret herbs and spices.”

Okay, that last one was pretty lame.

However, instead of complaining about how small the KFC Snacker is in the form of badly written sexual innuendoes, I will tell you that the KFC Snacker was disappointing because of it’s size and performance.

The KFC Snacker is roughly the size and shape of a bar of soap, which is about half the size of other chicken sandwiches offered by other fast food joints. It comes with a sesame seed bun, some lettuce, mayonnaise, and a strip of chicken with the Colonial’s secret herbs and spices, all for 99 cents.

The $1 McChicken from McDonald’s isn’t as tasty as the KFC Snacker, but you definitely get more bang for the buck, since it is significantly bigger. I guess Colonial’s secret herbs and spices are getting rare or something.

Despite the typical delicious taste of those herbs and spices, I couldn’t get over the disappointment of how small it was and how it probably wouldn’t satisfy most people’s hunger.

I guess in the case of the KFC Snacker, size really does matter.

Item: KFC Snacker
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Typical Colonial secret herbs and spices. Tasty.
Cons: Too small in size, but cute.

Jack in the Box Natural Cut Fries

Marvo 1 Comment

Natural Cut Fries

“Bigger and thicker” is how Jack in the Box is promoting their new Natural Cut Fries. I’m sure the same phrase has been used to promote other things. I won’t list them here, but I’ll let you use your imaginations…your dirty imaginations.

These new Natural Cut Fries replaces Jack in the Box’s previous fries, which honestly made me think, “This REALLY was a potato at some point?”

Jack in the Box is also promoting their Natural Cut Fries by saying they leave on the skin of the potato.

In case you didn’t know, the most nutrient part of a potato is the skin. However, when you cut up a potato with the skin and deep-fry it in extremely hot oil, the most nutrient part becomes the paper French Fry sleeve they come in.

After watching the Jack in the Box commercial on television, I was so looking forward to trying these fries.

I was thinking it was going to be like In-N-Out Burger fries, where they have some dude chopping up the potatoes in the kitchen, but then I remembered that this is crappy fast food and that the fries were probably chopped in some big factory, then flash frozen, then dumped into large brown bags, shipped across the United States in a 16-wheeler, and poured frozen out of the large brown bags into a waiting basket that will be dipped into a tub of boiling oil.

The Natural Cut Fries are bigger and thicker than Jack in the Box’s original fries and after trying them; I have to say they’re definitely better. However, their taste doesn’t stack up against the 800-pound gorilla of the French Fry world, McDonald’s French Fries.

I guess sometimes “bigger and thicker” doesn’t mean better.

Also, “average and I know how to use it,” always means better.

Right, ladies?

Item: Jack in the Box Natural Cut Fries
Purchase Price: $2.29
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Potato skin!!! Bigger and thicker than Jack in the Box’s original fries.
Cons: Still doesn’t beat out McDonald’s fries in taste. Bigger and thicker, doesn’t mean better.

REVIEW: Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger

Marvo 4 Comments

Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger

Honestly, there’s something slightly wrong with eating a burger whose name is a dropped letter “g” away from being called something that’s a part of my own ass.

I actually tried the original Angus Steak Burger when it first came out and I really didn’t think much of it. However, due to the influx of annoying Angus Diet advertisements I felt compelled to try it again, hoping it would please the Advertising Gods and make those commercials go away. Unfortunately, my theory didn’t work.

I think if I ate a heart attack’s worth of Angus Steak Burgers, only then would I be able to get away from those damn commercials, unless heaven has basic cable.

So what exactly is Anus…I mean Angus beef? What makes it so special?

Apparently, only 8 percent of the beef in the United States can be considered Angus beef. It’s known for it outstanding juiciness, tenderness, and flavor. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find out if the Angus beef comes from the ass of a cow, since I think that’s how Angus got its name.

Enough with the slaughterhouse lesson, let’s talk about the rest of the burger which consists of fire-grilled onions, cap leaf lettuce, red ripe tomatoes, freshly toasted corn-dusted buns, signature steak sauce, juicy bacon, and slightly melted cheese.

I don’t know whose signature is on the steak sauce, but they should definitely erase their signature, because this peppery sauce isn’t very good. Not as peppery as the Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips, but it doesn’t add much to the burger. Besides, if the Angus beef is so damn good, why add some weak sauce to cover it?

Despite the sauce, the Angus Bacon and Cheese Steak Burger isn’t a bad burger. It’s big and thick, like all burgers should be and the Angus beef is actually pretty tasty, when the sauce doesn’t get in the way. The burger is kind of pricey, but I guess if you’re getting beef that consists of only 8 percent of all the beef in the U.S., there should be a premium on it.

Then again, should there really be a premium on a burger that I might accidentally (or purposely) order as the Anus Steak Burger.

Item: Burger King Angus Bacon and Cheese Steak Burger
Purchase Price: $5.39 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big, thick burger. Angus beef.
Cons: Signature steak sauce isn’t very good. A little expensive. I wish they would change the name, because I don’t like the images of shaking cow butts in my head.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich

Marvo 6 Comments

Bacon Ranch Sandwich

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae… Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.