Tag: Fast Food

Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer

Marvo 30 Comments

I hate to admit this, but I have a terrible fear of Starbucks.

I don’t know if it’s because of my fear of standing in long lines of grouchy people who could explode at any moment unless they get their caffeine fix or because of the urban legend that says, “For every thirteen Starbucks coffees sold, somewhere around the world a new Starbucks shop will unfold. Starbucks will continue to grow wherever there is a sign that says ‘For Lease.’ Starbucks will continue to grow until it can no longer increase.”

So instead of Starbucks, I end up at Jamba Juice, with its brightly colored decor, which makes you feel like you’re either inside of a rainbow, in an Old Navy advertisement, or you’ve been staring at a tie-dye shirt for too long.

I believe the unofficial slogan of Jamba Juice is, “All of the same prices and weird cup size names as Starbucks, but without the coffee-smelling farts.”

During my most recent trip to Jamba Juice, I noticed that they were offering their holiday flavors, Orange Cherry Cheer and Mighty Cherry Charger.

I picked up an Orange Cherry Cheer, with its cherries, freshly-squeezed orange juice, orange sherbet, soymilk and nonfat frozen yogurt. I decided to get it because I felt the brightly colored decor of the Jamba Juice didn’t make me cheery enough.

Also, in order to get in touch with my feminine side, I added a Femme Boost to my smoothie, which according to the Jamba Juice website:

Jamba’s Femme Boost combines folic acid to support a healthy nervous system, calcium for strong bones, iron for healthy blood, magnesium to support a healthy heartbeat, and hormone-balancing herbs & extracts to keep you cheery all year long. As an added bonus, soy isoflavones are blended in to support reproductive health and comfort, especially during and after menopause. So power up with Jamba’s Femme Boost and let your girl power prevail!

You go girl! I am woman, hear me roar! All the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. All the honeys who makin’ money, throw your hands up at me. All the mommas who profit dollas, throw your hands up at me. All the ladies who truly feel me, throw your hands up at me.

Girl power!

The first thing I noticed about the Orange Cherry Cheer was the fact that it had more orange than cherry, but it had more cherry than cheer. Even with the hormone-balancing herbs & extracts in the Femme Boost, I still didn’t feel very cheery.

Maybe I wasn’t so cheery because I was picking chunks of cherry seeds off of my tongue much like how I would probably have to pick off pubic hair after going down on a hairy Hungarian hooker.

Despite the chunks of cherry seeds, I liked the taste of the Orange Cherry Cheer, it was kind of Orange Julius-ish. (I dare you to say Julius-ish five times in a row really fast.) Plus, no coffee-smelling farts.

(Editor’s Note: Here are a couple of things you can do to have fun with Jamba Juice employees. (1) When ordering, talk REALLY fast and be very fidgety, then ask if you can add an Energy Boost to your purchase, and then say, “I’ve been feeling really sluggish today.” (2) When the cashier asks you for your name, use different names every time. Mix it up. Use names of the opposite sex. Use foreign names. Use names with more than five syllables. Use names without any vowels. Be creative.)

Item: Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer
Purchase Price: $4.55 (Original Size)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Orangy. Telling the Jamba Juice employee that your name is Rico Suave. No coffee-smelling farts. Femme Boost helped me get in touch with my feminine side.
Cons: Not so cheery. Chunks of cherry seeds. Weird cup size names. Starbucks will soon swallow the Earth.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande

Marvo 35 Comments

Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande

Come on, Taco Bell! Can’t you do better than this?

Can’t you come up with something better than the Steak Nachos BellGrande?

You’ve come up with some great ideas, but Steak Nachos BellGrande just isn’t a fun name to say.

GORDITA!!!

Look how fun it was to say Gordita.

CHALUPA!!!

Saying Chalupa was also frickin’ fun.

BEAN BURRRRITO!!!

Even saying Bean Burrito was fun, not just because I rolled the R’s and said it in a high-pitched, stereotypical, borderline offensive Hispanic accent, but also because of the alliteration.

Sure, I could roll the R in “BellGrande,” but it still wouldn’t sound very fun because there are too many words and syllables in the name and it also wouldn’t be fun to say, “Yo quiero Steak Nachos BellGrande” in my best Taco Bell commercial chihuahua voice, while ordering in the drive-thru lane.

It’s also not exciting to yell whenever I’m swinging at a pinata.

How about Mucho Nacho? Or Nacho Rancho? Or Steako Greato?

Even some of the ingredients in the Steak Nachos BellGrande have better names, like the carne asada steak and nacho cheese sauce. Okay, the tortilla chips, green onions, tomatoes, sour cream, and refried beans have plain names. But if you add the optional jalapenos, you not only add some heat to the Steak Nachos BellGrande, you also add another ingredient that’s fun to say and you can have fun with Taco Bell employees by asking for the jalapenos phonetically.

The Steak Nachos BellGrande was good. The steak was surprisingly tender and the optional jalapenos gave it a nice kick. However, I think what really made this product tasty was the nacho cheese sauce, which also made the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme tasty and added a nice crayon orange to the dish.

However, with 770 calories, 41 grams of fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 1230 milligrams of sodium, and enough carbs to make Dr. Atkins weep in heaven, I don’t think I’ll be buying it again. Although, it does have a whopping 10 grams of dietary fiber.

Hey! Maybe it should be called Nacho PoopGrande?

Item: Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande
Purchase Price: $3.59
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Steak was surprisingly tender. Nacho cheese sauce is frickin’ addicting. Optional jalapenos gave it some nice heat. Lots of dietary fiber. CHALUPA! GORDITA!
Cons: Boring name. High in bad trans fat and other things.

McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich

Marvo 34 Comments

McDonald's Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich

I don’t know about you, but when I buy “premium” products, I act like a rich, snobby, irritating son of a bitch that deserves to either be run over by a car or tied up and forced to listen to a continuous loop of David Hasselhoff albums with a gun pointed to my head that’s triggered by the words, “Please stop.”

I guess I act this way because “premium” products tend to be more expensive than regular versions of the product. For example, there’s premium gas, premium ice cream, premium cable channels, and premium mail order bride catalogs.

Whenever I pick up something like premium ice cream, I’ll look around, find someone who picked up regular ice cream, stare at them, and say to myself, “I’ve got premium ice cream, beeyatch! What do you have? Regular ice cream? Ha! I laugh at your regular ice cream. Ha! I laugh again. What? You can’t afford premium ice cream like I can? Yeah, by the way you dress, it looks like you can’t afford premium ice cream.”

See, I’m such as asshole when I pick up premium products.

Recently, McDonald’s introduced a line of premium chicken sandwiches. There are three varieties of chicken sandwiches to choose from: the Premium Chicken Classic, the Premium Chicken Ranch BLT, and the Premium Chicken Club. Also, all three sandwiches are available with either crispy or grilled chicken.

During my most recent visit to McDonald’s, I picked up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich. I decided to pick up the grilled version because it was slightly healthier than the crispy version. Along with the chicken, the sandwich consists of a toasted bakery roll with green lettuce, mayonnaise, a slice of fresh tomato, hickory smoked bacon, topped with Swiss cheese.

After picking it up, I sat down and immediately scanned the room to see what everyone else was eating and I noticed a woman eating a Big Mac.

Then I stared at her and said to myself, “Oh my goodness, a Big Mac? That’s so 1980s. Hey, you want a Culture Club record to go with that Big Mac? Couldn’t you afford the extra dollar to pick up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich like I have? I guess you have to save that dollar so that you can buy a pair of pants from Goodwill or the Salvation Army.”

After scanning the restaurant again and ridiculing a couple of kids with Happy Meals, I began eating my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich.

The first thing I noticed about the sandwich was the green lettuce. It was actually green! I guess I was so used to seeing the whitish lettuce that comes with the poor folks Big Mac. But then I realized that I should be getting green lettuce, after all, it is a “premium” sandwich for “premium” consumers, like myself.

When I took my first bite, it tasted kind of bland, but the reason why it tasted bland was because that first bite didn’t include all the parts of the sandwich. When I took my second bite, which included the chicken, mayo, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and swiss cheese, it tasted much better, but it didn’t impress me.

Actually, I would’ve preferred eating a poor folks Big Mac than the rich folks Premium Grilled Chicken Sandwich.

Another problem I had with the Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich was trying to prevent the chicken from sliding around in between the buns. On a couple of occasions the bite I took didn’t have any chicken in it because it slid away from my mouth. I basically had to choke the chicken to keep it in place.

So what did I learn from my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich experience?

I learned that adding the word “premium” to fast food, is like adding the word “fresh” to poop. It doesn’t make it any better.

Item: McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.19 (sandwich only)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes not bad if you can get a bite that includes all the parts of the sandwich. Healthier than crispy version. Green lettuce.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Slippery chicken. My attitude when I pick up “premium” products.

REVIEW: Burger King Chicken Fries

Marvo 60 Comments

BK Chicken Fries

Sometimes there are ideas that when I first hear about them, I say to myself, “That’s a really good idea.”

But then when I’m sober and I actually see the product, I take back what I said and replace it with something like, “Dammit! I can’t believe I’m wearing men’s capri pants! Damn you, vodka! Damn you!”

Well, it happened to me again with these new Burger King Chicken Fries, which are thin strips of all-white meat chicken breast coated with a seasoned batter.

Damn you, vodka! Damn you!

When I read about them a few months ago, I thought that it was a really great idea, because I imagined that Burger King would take the same sleeves they use for their regular french fries and just fill them with chicken fries instead.

Unfortunately, just like all my imaginations that involve me being a ceiling mirror at the Playboy Mansion, what I imagined the chicken fries were, didn’t come out the way I had hoped.

Instead of a heaping of chicken fries, I had the option of having either a six-piece snack pack or a nine-piece “value” meal, which I decided to purchase. Although, after seeing what the chicken fries looked like, I’d suggest you avoid the “value” meal, because it wasn’t much of a value.

Each chicken fry was a little thicker than BK’s regular french fries, roughly three inches long, and depending where your mind is at, they look like either skinny fried mozzarella sticks or fried tampons.

The BK Chicken Fries comes with a buffalo sauce, which I thought wasn’t bad and tasted better than the buffalo sauce I got with the McDonald’s Chicken Selects I reviewed last year. You can also replace the buffalo sauce with either a barbeque, honey mustard, sweet and sour, or ranch sauce.

Probably the most impressive part of the BK Chicken Fries was the container they came in. Just like the Transformers, this container had more than meets the eye. It had a lid that folds back and creates a place to hold the container of buffalo sauce, as you can see in the picture above.

The container was also designed to fit into your car’s cup holder, so that you can eat while driving, talking on the phone, and yelling stuff at your rowdy kids, like “Be quiet!” or “You were all mistakes!”

I would’ve tried eating them in my car, but I was afraid of getting buffalo sauce on my new red and black leopard print car seat covers.

Grrrowl!

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the BK Chicken Fries. With them being so skinny, receiving only six or nine pieces made them seem overpriced. Plus, with so little chicken in each fry, it seemed like each fry only contained the seasoned batter.

However, I really did like the ingenuity of the container they came in and I now believe that chickens have another fate to look forward to that isn’t as embarrassing as becoming chicken nuggets.

Item: Burger King Chicken Fries
Purchase Price: $4.59 (9-piece value meal)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Buffalo sauce was decent. Nifty container made for those who like to eat on the go. Better fate for chickens than becoming chicken nuggets. Vodka.
Cons: Value meal wasn’t much of a value. Only six or nine pieces. Not much chicken in each fry. Looked like a fried tampon. Men wearing capri pants. Vodka.

Jack in the Box Root Beer Float

Marvo 31 Comments

Jack in the Box Root Beer Float

Ahh! Summertime.

It’s a time when you can sit on your porch swing at night with a cold, tall glass of homemade lemonade and look at the constellations in the sky, listen to the crickets chirp, and bitch about how frickin’ hot it is.

It’s a time when the mercury in the thermometer rises straight up, like it’s just taken a couple of Viagra. It’s so hot, even Kevin Federline sweats while sitting on the couch and staring at the television all day.

To beat the heat, there are many things we could do.

For example, we could play with a Slip ‘N’ Slide. It’s a great way to cool down, except when you get caught by your neighbors for using their water spigot or when you get chafed nipples from all the sliding.

Another great way to cool down would be to go to the beach or swimming pool, which are crowded this time of year. You can get instant cooling satisfaction by jumping into the water. Of course, this is great until you hit a warm spot in the water, which makes you wonder if it’s warm because of the sun or because all the little kids are peeing in the water.

Perhaps the best way to cool down, without fear of chafed nipples or little kids peeing in the water, is to drink something cold. Fortunately, Jack in the Box has brought out Jack’s Root Beer Float, made with Barq’s Root Beer and “real vanilla ice cream.”

Why is “real vanilla ice cream” in quotes?

You’ll read why later, but it’s sort of like the reason why “straight” is always in quotes when people write about Tom Cruise.

Recently, it’s been getting into the low 90s, and I’ve been feeling the heat. I would’ve brought out the Slip ‘N’ Slide, but my nipples were chafed from (insert your imagination here). Instead, I decided to drive to the nearest Jack in the Box and pick up their Root Beer Float.

I decided to use the drive-thru, because I ain’t steppin’ outside.

When I got to the drive-thru window, I could see them making my Root Beer Float. First, they put in the “real vanilla ice cream,” which unfortunately was the sort of fake, comes-in-a-bag soft-serve vanilla ice cream. It’s the same stuff Jack in the Box uses for their milkshakes, which isn’t very dense, so it melts pretty quickly and it’s smarter than me.

Next they added the root beer, which thankfully was Barq’s Root Beer, one of my favorites.

When I received it, the ice cream remained at the bottom, which, if you’re familiar with root beer floats, was where it shouldn’t have been. After flicking the cup a couple of times, the ice cream quickly rose to the top, proving once again the saying, “Cream always rises to the top, except when the creme is used to get rid of zits or herpes.”

After drinking the Jack in the Box Root Beer Float, I have to say that I wasn’t very impressed with it. It was decent, but anyone could make a better one at home.

Plus, they didn’t even give me a frickin’ spoon.

Item: Jack in the Box Root Beer Float
Purchase Price: $2.29
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Decent. Barq’s Root Beer. Cup has a red racing stripe.
Cons: Uses soft serve ice cream. No frickin’ spoon. I can make a better one at home.