Tag: Fast Food

Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

Marvo 25 Comments

Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

How many of you remember the McDLT?

For those of you who weren’t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonald’s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.

This special container kept the “hot side hot” and the “cool side cool,” which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The “hot” thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the “cool” boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.

I don’t know why McDonald’s got rid of McDLT.

Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.

Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the “hot side hot, cool side cool” bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.

Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, “The Pouch,” which is the most unoriginal name since “The Big Bulge,” which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.

The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from “The Pouch” on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.

When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.

After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.

Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isn’t very good. I’ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didn’t have much taste.

The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.

Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.

Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the salad’s.

Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasn’t very good.

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads.
Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasn’t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name “The Pouch.” The name “The Big Bulge.”

REVIEW: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad

Marvo 44 Comments

Wendy's Mediterranean Chicken Salad

When I think of classy things, I think of fine wine, Gwyneth Paltrow, and feta cheese.

Feta is one of those “special” cheeses not found with the trailer trash cheeses like American, cheddar, swiss, mozzarella, and, of course, Velveeta, which is as classy as shiny, spinning hubcaps.

Feta cheese is usually located in the deli area near other cheeses with funny names, like asiago, gorgonzola, taleggio, limburger, and smelofarts.

Now I record a lot of shows on Food Network because I need to add more material to my never ending loop of Rachael Ray shows playing at my Rachael Ray shrine.

While fast forwarding through all the parts that don’t have Rachael Ray, I noticed that a lot of the chefs on the Food Network use feta cheese on a lot of things, like salads, pizzas, and pastas. Those chefs really like feta cheese and are very liberal with it, like strippers are with cocoa butter lotion.

Well it seems the chefs in the Wendy’s kitchen also have been watching a lot of the Food Network because they put a nice crumbled heaping of feta cheese on their new Mediterranean Chicken Salad.

Besides the feta cheese, the Mediterranean Chicken Salad comes with herb-seasoned chicken chunks, iceberg lettuce, Romaine lettuce, red leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion rings, and a package of red wine vinaigrette dressing.

Putting all of that together made for a pretty good tasting and decent sized salad. The feta cheese and the vinaigrette dressing gave the salad a nice tangy kick. The vegetables for the most part looked fresh, although I was disappointed that there was a lot of iceberg lettuce, which has as little redeeming value as the new Britney Spears reality show, “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.”

Despite the goodness that I discovered in the Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad, there were a few things I wish Wendy’s had done to it. For example, I think it would’ve been nice if the herb-seasoned chicken chunks were warmed up, because I’m slightly afraid of cold chicken.

However, my biggest problem was having to toss my salad, which is a pretty hard thing to do because I’m kind of uncoordinated and not very flexible.

If you look at the picture above, you’ll notice that all the feta cheese is on one side of the bowl, all the chicken is in the center of the bowl, and the cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes are all in their own respective cliques.

It’s like the feta cheese are the preppy kids, the pieces of chicken are the jocks, the cucumbers are the band geeks, the onions are the nerds, and the tomatoes are the goth kids. This kind of separation may work well in high school, but it doesn’t work well with a salad.

It would’ve been nice if the salad was pre-tossed, so I wouldn’t have to go through the trouble, pain, and mess of tossing my salad.

Item: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Decent sized. High in Vitamin A & C. Feta cheese makes me feel classy.
Cons: High in sodium. Chicken was cold. Lots of iceberg lettuce. Forced to toss my salad.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad

Marvo 48 Comments

McDonald's Fruit & Walnut Salad

Where are your balls, McDonald’s?

Hardee’s comes out with the Monster Thickburger, Burger King releases the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and you introduce the Fruit & Walnut Salad?

It’s like Cadillac introducing a bigger, eight-door Escalade with spinning wheels, Hummer selling a heavier, boxier H3 with tank tracks, and Ford coming out with another Pinto.

The combination of apple slices, red grapes, candied walnuts, and low-fat yogurt dipping sauce was pretty decent, but where’s the gluttony?

I know you’re trying to be more healthy, but couldn’t you have tried to make it overly healthy?

You could’ve made it the Xtreme Fruit & Walnut Mammoth Salad, which would contain insane amounts of things that are good for you, like dietary fiber, vitamins, and minerals.

I’m not talking about one sliced apple, a handful of grapes, a small airplane snack-sized bag of candied walnuts, and a small cup of fat-free yogurt that I got with the regular Fruit & Walnut Salad.

I’m talking about a whole bushel of apples, enough yogurt to dip your head into, enough red grapes to make your own bottle of wine, and enough nuts to prevent the lemmings from jumping into the ocean.

All of that in a deep, gigantic bowl that just barely fits through the drive-thru window and makes your automobile tip over like the slab of dinosaur ribs does during the ending credits of the Flintstones.

All of that has to contain enough dietary fiber to make my bowel movements so irregular that I might need adult diapers, enough calcium to make my bones stronger than adamantium, and enough antioxidants to make me feel like I could survive a few years of living a hardcore rockstar lifestyle with excessive booze, drugs, and women.

Also, why are there only two types of fruit in the Fruit & Walnut Salad? If a Monster Thickburger can have several slices of cheese, why can’t the Fruit & Walnut Salad have several types of fruit? Maybe some mangoes, lychee, pears, cantaloupes, and strawberries.

Anyway, despite the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad not being gluttonous enough, it was a decent meal. The candied walnuts are what really makes this salad tasty, so if you’re allergic to nuts, I’d suggest you pass on the Fruit & Walnut Salad, unless you’re feeling dangerous.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re allergic to nuts and are feeling dangerous, The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any allergic reaction caused by you feeling dangerous.)

Item: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad
Purchase Price: $3.29
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent taste. Healthy. Good source of dietary fiber. Low sodium. Better tasting and looking than a Ford Pinto.
Cons: Tastes better with walnuts, which is bad for those who are allergic to them. Weak variety of fruits. Not enormous, monster, or gluttonous enough. Not overly healthy.

REVIEW: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper

Marvo 24 Comments

Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper

First it was the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and now it’s the Ultimate Double Whopper. Burger King, when are you going to learn that no matter how large your sandwiches are, they won’t ever compensate for your small penis.

Not everyone can have a HUGE wang like White Castle. So don’t try to be like Hardee’s, with his Monster Thickburger. He only made it because the huge SUVs and sports cars he bought couldn’t deflect ALL the attention away from his really small dick.

Besides, so what if you have a small dong. Subway has one too, but the difference between Subway and Hardee’s is the fact that Subway knows how to use it with the ladies. Remember it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean…and how long you go down on her.

Anyway, when I picked up the Ultimate Double Whopper, I felt really guilty about eating it on Earth Day last week Friday. On a day that people celebrated conservation and all life on this planet, I devoured half a pound of beef, two slices of American Cheese, several strips of bacon, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun.

It was gluttony at its greatest.

Fortunately, I didn’t eat it at one of the many Earth Day celebrations, because the beef alone would’ve made vegan hippies want to beat me down with their hemp bags.

The first thing I noticed about the Ultimate Double Whopper was its thickness. If you don’t have a big mouth or you aren’t an anime character, you might have a difficult time eating it. It may not look that thick in the picture above, but I had to do some squishing before sticking my chomps into it.

The Ultimate Double Whopper was very good, but this didn’t surprise, since I’m a fan of the regular Whopper. It had that familiar Whopper taste, but the extra beef patty, slices of cheese, and bacon made it also taste like a burger from such fine sit-down establishments with annoying versions of the birthday song, like Chili’s and TGI Friday’s. With all of that stuffed into a burger, the Ultimate Double Whopper was kind of messy, but most big burgers are.

Personally, I think the Ultimate Double Whopper is better than any of Burger King’s overhyped Angus Steak Burgers.

I’d post the nutritional values for the Ultimate Double Whopper, but it’s not available on the Burger King website, which means either Burger King is too afraid to post it or the Ultimate Double Whopper was a figment of my imagination, caused by the excessive calories, fat, and sodium from my McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week.

Whether it’s real or not, I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon, because something like the Ultimate Double Whopper has to be ungodly unhealthy, but for those of you who are curious and don’t have any heart conditions, I’d recommend it.

Even if you have a small penis.

Item: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper
Purchase Price: $5.59 (with $1 off coupon)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Better than BK’s Angus Steak Burgers. Thick burger, unlike the size of Burger King’s penis.
Cons: Pricey. Not something anyone should eat on a regular basis. People with small mouths might have trouble eating it. Kind of messy. White Castle has a bigger penis than I do.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Dollar Menu

Marvo 31 Comments

McDonald's Dollar Menu

To celebrate McDonald’s 50th anniversary, I decided to review a McDonald’s product for today. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything new out, so instead I decided to order everything on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and try to eat it all in one sitting.

Yeah! Eat your heart out, Morgan Spurlock. Oh wait, you would probably eat your heart out. After all, you did eat 30 straight days of nothing but McDonald’s food.

For those of you who are smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, the Dollar Menu is a menu of items that cost only a dollar, but being that you’re smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, you probably knew that already.

The eight items on the Dollar Menu are: A double cheeseburger, McChicken sandwich, small fries, small drink, hot fudge sundae, fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, two apple pies, and a side salad.

Eating everything on the Dollar Menu may not seem that bad, but consuming 2,455 calories, 107 grams of fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,115 milligrams of sodium, 309 grams of carbs, and 152 grams of sugar can’t be a good thing, like being an 8-year old boy in a room with Michael Jackson.

This wasn’t Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich dangerous, it was Hardee’s Monster Thickburger dangerous.

As I waited in line at McDonald’s, I thought about the consequences of what I was about to do. I could increase my cholesterol count, have high blood pressure, gain a few pounds, or have really bad gas. After realizing this, I thought about walking out of the line and scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see if my body could handle this, or at least, pick up some Beano.

However, I said to myself, “Balls to the wall.”

Then I wondered if that saying even existed, but eventually shrugged it off and ordered my food.

I came away with five McDonald’s bags and as I drove away I wondered if it would’ve been safer for me to eat in the restaurant, just in case something happens. Oh, how I wish I had a medical alarm bracelet. “Help I’ve eaten three times the amount of McDonald’s food in one sitting than I should and I can’t get up because of my fat ass.”

When I got home and laid the food out on the table, a serious problem arose. Which food item should I start with? With eight food items there were eight way I could start, or as I decided to call it, eight ways to possibly get diabetes.

Since the hot fudge sundae was almost melted, I decided to start there. Oh, how I love the hot fudge sundae. Oh, how I wish I had a girlfriend to lick it off of. Oh, how I wish I didn’t sound like such a kinky freak.

I followed that with the not-so-fresh looking side salad, which could’ve been the healthiest item on the Dollar Menu if it weren’t for the creamy Caesar dressing I added. It’s sort of like eating a tub of ice cream while working out on your BowFlex or adding crack (pharmaceutical or anatomical) to your Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal.

The double cheeseburger and small fries were next, which was probably the best and least healthiest parts of the feast. I followed that with one of the baked-but-looks-fried apple pies. By this point, I was full, but took a few deep breaths and put my balls to the wall, finishing the fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, McChicken sandwich, and small soda.

After that barrage of food, all that was left was the other apple pie, but my spider-sense told me that I should leave the apple pie alone for now. However, six hours later, that apple pie became my dinner. It was the only thing I had for dinner.

It’s been over 24 hours since my Dollar Menu feast and I feel fine. However, yesterday after consuming everything, I felt extremely sluggish for the rest of the day and just lounged around the house. But at least I now know what it’s like to be Kevin Federline, except without the boinking Britney Spears part.

So what would I do differently next time? I definitely won’t try to eat the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting. Eating that much food on a regular basis could turn me into one of those 500-pound freaks who sit on the couch all day, have other people wipe their ass, and need a whole wall ripped out in order for them to be taken to a hospital.

Also, I really wished I had bought some Beano.

So what have I learned? Nothing new, but this experience has made me swear off fast food…for a few weeks or when someone builds a Hardee’s here, whichever comes first.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, McDonald’s!!!

Item: McDonald’s Dollar Menu
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cheap eats, if bought individually. I’m still alive. Hot fudge sundae. Double cheeseburger. Small fries.
Cons: Expensive if bought all together. Same nutritional values as a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger sandwich. Too much food. Fruit ‘n yogurt parfait. Side salad. Couldn’t finish it all. Experienced what it’s like to be Kevin Federline. Really bad gas.