Tag: Fast Food

First it was the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and now it’s the Ultimate Double Whopper. Burger King, when are you going to learn that no matter how large your sandwiches are, they won’t ever compensate for your small penis.

Not everyone can have a HUGE wang like White Castle. So don’t try to be like Hardee’s, with his Monster Thickburger. He only made it because the huge SUVs and sports cars he bought couldn’t deflect ALL the attention away from his really small dick.

Besides, so what if you have a small dong. Subway has one too, but the difference between Subway and Hardee’s is the fact that Subway knows how to use it with the ladies. Remember it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean…and how long you go down on her.

Anyway, when I picked up the Ultimate Double Whopper, I felt really guilty about eating it on Earth Day last week Friday. On a day that people celebrated conservation and all life on this planet, I devoured half a pound of beef, two slices of American Cheese, several strips of bacon, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun.

It was gluttony at its greatest.

Fortunately, I didn’t eat it at one of the many Earth Day celebrations, because the beef alone would’ve made vegan hippies want to beat me down with their hemp bags.

The first thing I noticed about the Ultimate Double Whopper was its thickness. If you don’t have a big mouth or you aren’t an anime character, you might have a difficult time eating it. It may not look that thick in the picture above, but I had to do some squishing before sticking my chomps into it.

The Ultimate Double Whopper was very good, but this didn’t surprise, since I’m a fan of the regular Whopper. It had that familiar Whopper taste, but the extra beef patty, slices of cheese, and bacon made it also taste like a burger from such fine sit-down establishments with annoying versions of the birthday song, like Chili’s and TGI Friday’s. With all of that stuffed into a burger, the Ultimate Double Whopper was kind of messy, but most big burgers are.

Personally, I think the Ultimate Double Whopper is better than any of Burger King’s overhyped Angus Steak Burgers.

I’d post the nutritional values for the Ultimate Double Whopper, but it’s not available on the Burger King website, which means either Burger King is too afraid to post it or the Ultimate Double Whopper was a figment of my imagination, caused by the excessive calories, fat, and sodium from my McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week.

Whether it’s real or not, I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon, because something like the Ultimate Double Whopper has to be ungodly unhealthy, but for those of you who are curious and don’t have any heart conditions, I’d recommend it.

Even if you have a small penis.

Item: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper
Purchase Price: $5.59 (with $1 off coupon)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Better than BK’s Angus Steak Burgers. Thick burger, unlike the size of Burger King’s penis.
Cons: Pricey. Not something anyone should eat on a regular basis. People with small mouths might have trouble eating it. Kind of messy. White Castle has a bigger penis than I do.

Ever since I heard about the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I’ve been bitter about not having the opportunity to try one, since there aren’t any Hardee’s here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That bitterness slightly faded, after I read a story about the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Okay, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich still pales in comparison with the Monster Thickburger and its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium. However, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich’s 730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium would make any nutritionist or cardiologist cringe, like I do when I see a guy get kicked in the balls and whenever I see someone do Macarena.

So yesterday morning, I got up early and headed out the door to the Burger King down the street.

As I walked to the Burger King, a mini version of me suddenly appeared on my left shoulder, wearing a white suit and wings. “Holy crap!” he said to me. “What are you doing? I can’t believe you’re gonna buy that. It’s so unhealthy. It could be the last thing you eat in this world.”

“But if it’s the last thing he eats, that would make one hell of a review,” said the mini version of me that suddenly appeared on my right shoulder, wearing a black suit with horns on his head.

“How can he write a review when he’s dead, moron!?!” the mini me in the white suit said.

“Oh, come on, you wuss,” the mini me in the black suit snorted. “It’s got almost the same amount of calories and fat as a Burger King Whopper. He’s eaten lots of Whoppers and he’s still here.”

“But it also has FOUR times the cholesterol and almost twice the sodium of a Whopper. He doesn’t need that much salt, he’s not a frickin’ horse,” the white suited mini me replied.

While those two argued, I walked into the Burger King and ordered an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” the pure and innocent mini me screamed. The dark and evil mini me just laughed.

The person behind the counter asked if I wanted anything else. The dark mini me screamed, “HASH BROWNS!!!” and then disappeared. The innocent mini me yelled, “DEFIBRILLATOR!!!” and then also disappeared.

I said to the cashier, “No, that’s all.”

On my way back, I felt guilty about buying the sandwich, so I stopped by the convenience store that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors, to pick up a bottle of apple juice, which I picked up because the antioxidants in the juice can help prevent damage from fatty foods and because it looks like beer.

The Enormous Omelet Sandwich consists of a toasted roll with two slices of American cheese, two layers of fluffy eggs, three strips of bacon, and a sausage patty. It looked like Burger King just joined two regular breakfast sandwiches together to form the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. In other words, it didn’t look very spectacular.

As I took the first bite, I heard a faint, “Nooooooo,” which might have been either my white suited mini me or my heart. I stopped for a second, shrugged my shoulders, and dug into the sandwich.

The sandwich was good, but there wasn’t anything special about it. It tasted like any other breakfast sandwich with eggs and sausage. The bacon was almost nonexistent, because I could hardly taste it. The only thing the Enormous Omelet Sandwich really has going for itself is the fact that it’s probably the biggest breakfast sandwich available.

My recommendation is, if you like angioplasty, eat an Enormous Omelet Sandwich every other day. If you don’t like angioplasty, I’d recommend eating it just once, just so you can say you survived an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Item: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich
Purchase Price: $3.29 (sandwich only)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good, but nothing really special about it. Possibly the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
Cons: Very high cholesterol and sodium. High fat and calories. Your conscience may bother you. It’s no Monster Thickburger.

Dear Darius Rucker,

My name is Marvo and I’m a big fan of Hootie and the Blowfish, except for that last album you guys did in 2003. I will also admit, for about six months, I didn’t know you were African-American until I saw one of your music videos on MTV.

I’m writing this letter in regards to the Burger King commercial you did for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. I was wondering how much dignity you have left, because you were a multi-platinum recording artist and now you’re a burger salesman.

Don’t you know that once a celebrity loses all of his or her dignity, they become like Michael Jackson or a cast member on a reality show?

Although, I will admit the song you sing the in commercial is catchy, like your song “Only Wanna Be With You.” The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, my roommate swore he heard me singing the song in my sleep one night while I slept on the living room couch.

But this is not about me singing the song, it’s about you singing the song. This burger selling has to stop before it gets worse and you end up singing songs about insurance or cell phone service plans.

Imagine having to sing a song like this:

I love my cell phone service plan
It allows me to talk to anyone I like
Let’s me call relatives and friends
Free calls on weekends and nights

I love my cell phone service plan
Caller ID and voice mail are slick
Keeps me from receiving prank calls
Since my number was on Paris’ Sidekick

Besides, have you actually eaten a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? I know, in the song you sing about how you love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, but I’ve tried it and I don’t love it.

First off, in the song you sing about how there are streams of bacon ranch dressing, but there’s got to be a drought or something, because at the Burger King I went to they were pretty stingy with it.

Also, I know YOU can afford it, but I paid an arm and a leg to buy the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch “value meal.” For the price I paid, I expected you to pop out from behind the counter and start singing the song to me.

I know it’s a very hearty sandwich with chicken breasts that grow on trees, tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar that paves the streets, but I wish it tasted better.

So please Darius Rucker, stop with the commercials. Please don’t make me feel sorry for you, because if you do, I’m gonna have to buy your solo albums out of pity.

Your fan,

Marvo

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
Purchase Price: $6.59 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Bacon and cheddar. The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song is catchy. Hootie and the Blowfish’s last album sucked.
Cons: Not a lot of bacon ranch dressing taste. Pricey. Messy burger. Darius Rucker is an insurance commercial away from losing ALL of his dignity.