Frozen Food Archives - Page 19 of 39

REVIEW: Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pockets

May 6, 2013September 5, 2023 Marvo 3 Comments

As someone whose stomach has had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many different varieties of Hot Pockets, the new Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pockets tasted like a meat and cheese cocoon that the fine folks over at Nestle had released before.

After spending more time than anyone should on the Hot Pockets website, looking through the varieties like they were perps in a mugshot book, I realized this limited edition Hot Pocket didn’t taste like a previous regular Hot Pocket, it kind of tasted like these Fiesta Nacho Hot Pockets Snackers.

It’s not surprising since the bite-sized Snackers with its taco seasoned beef, Mexican-style cheese sauce, and jalapeños in a tortilla style crust looks on paper very similar to the spicy beef, reduced fat mozzarella, jalapeño peppers, onions, cheddar sauce, and seasoned crust that make up this limited edition Hot Pocket. It would’ve been cool if the meat and cheese cocoon also had tortilla chips inside of it, but I don’t know if frozen food technology has advanced to the point where it can keep chips crunchy in a Hot Pocket.

As the pocket got hot in my microwave, it made my kitchen smell like jalapeños, which got me thinking that these Hot Pockets were going to be spicy. They were, but not five-alarm spicy. It was more like a two-alarm spicy that instantly smacked my tongue around like I was making out with a first time French kisser. For me, water was unnecessary.

So instead of having the word “spicy” on fire on the front of the box, perhaps the letter I should’ve been a lit match, because it definitely wasn’t word-on-fire spicy. And while I’m talking graphic design, the word “spicy” is on fire, the word “beef” looks like it was branded, but nothing was done with the word “nacho” beyond some gradients. Come on, Hot Pockets graphic designer! Couldn’t you have made it look like cheese was dripping from it?

Speaking of cheese, why does this nacho-flavored Hot Pocket highlight mozzarella? The cheese isn’t what I would consider nacho-ey. But after spending more time than anyone should reading the ingredient label on a Hot Pockets box, I did also learn it has some cheddar, Monterey jack, parmesan, and swiss cheeses. Maybe having more cheddar would’ve helped the cheeses stand out because they get overwhelmed by the jalapeños and the almost too salty ground beef.

Overall, Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pocket’s flavor was good, thanks to the jalapeños, but not amazing. The only thing that was completely amazing about Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pocket was how its contents didn’t ooze out from the slightly crunchy crust while being microwaved, which, again, as someone whose stomach has had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many different varieties of Hot Pockets, I can say is a very rare occurrence.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pocket – 260 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 15% calcium, and 15% iron.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oils

Item: Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pockets
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice jalapeño flavor. Innards didn’t ooze out while being microwaved. Slightly crunchy crust. Made my kitchen smell like jalapeños.
Cons: Beef was almost too salty. Not really a creative flavor. Cheese gets lost among the jalapeño and beef. Mozzarella being highlighted in a nacho Hot Pocket. No tortilla chips inside the Hot Pocket. Playing armchair graphic designer.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers Strawberry Waffles

January 23, 2013September 5, 2023 Marvo 5 Comments

Right now in my freezer there are only two food items that have been in there for over six months — a half full bag of store brand chopped broccoli and Guy Fieri’s S’mores Indoor Pizza.

In another six months, I expect both to still be occupying freezer space because I’m scared to open them, especially the s’mores pizza, but for the six months they’ll be joined by a Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers strawberry topping packet because the topping made with real fruit is…

What do the kids say nowadays?

Um…

Oh yeah, weak sauce.

Each Eggo Drizzlers box comes with six waffles and three topping packets, each of which holds about an ounce of strawberry weak sauce. The Eggo waffles included are the exact same circular breakfast modules that you know and love (or have nothing else better to eat). They are prepared in the toaster the same way as any other Eggo waffles. The topping, according to the box, can be heated in two ways:

1. Place the topping packet in a cup of warm water while the waffles are being toasted.

2. Warm topping packet in hand while toasting waffles.

But if you really want to multitask, I’d recommend a third option. Clip the topping packet to an ID lanyard around your neck and take a shower with it while the waffles are in the toaster.

After the waffles are done and the topping is warmed up, tear open the strawberry sauce-filled packet like it’s a condom wrapper and squeeze out its contents. As you can see in the photo above, there’s enough in one packet to cover two waffles.

But, again, the strawberry topping is weak sauce.

If your child is used to syrup from Mrs. Butterworth’s, Aunt Jemima, or anything else that’s dark, viscous, sugary, and comes in a plastic bottle, then the strawberry topping might not satisfy their taste buds and sweet tooths. Although, the topping has a gooeyness similar to pancake syrup, its strawberry flavor was light and not that sweet.

However, the strawberry topping has around 50 percent less sugar than syrup from Mrs. Butterworth’s, Aunt Jemima, or anything else that’s dark, viscous, sugary, and comes in a plastic bottle. So if you’re looking to cut your child’s sugar intake (or want to make your paunch disappear), use the strawberry topping packet.

Since I don’t have a child with a sugar problem or a paunch big enough to encourage me to do something about it, and I don’t care for the Eggo Drizzlers strawberry topping (and I turned the last two waffles into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich), the last topping packet will keep my freezer burned broccoli and s’mores pizza company in the freezer…and, when I decide to clean out my freezer, in the trash can also.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles & 1 topping packet – 250 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals I’m too lazy to list.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers Strawberry Waffles
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 waffles & 2 topping packets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Same ol’ Eggo waffles, if you like Eggo waffles. Leftover packet keeping company other frozen food. Topping has less sugar than regular syrup. Enough topping to cover two waffles. Topping is made with real fruit. Multitasking.
Cons: Strawberry topping was light on flavor and not that sweet. Only six waffles per box. If you’re addicted to pancake syrup, topping will not suffice. Freezer burned broccoli. Showering with a topping packet.

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Chicken Salad Additions

January 17, 2013February 16, 2023 Adam 13 Comments

Contrary to a review history which leans towards a diet based exclusively around breakfast cereal and fast food, I do not hold anything against the vegetable food group. I count Larry the Cucumber among my favorite recording artists, have been known to munch on frozen peas as if they were beer nuts, and might, according to my grandmother, even transform into a vegetable one day thanks to hours spent watching college sports on TV.

So no, I’m not a veggie-phobe by any means, and I certainly wouldn’t spurn the chance to nosh on a salad that could increase my lifespan.

But here’s the thing: vegetables are complicated. Buying them, cooking them, and even knowing which part to eat are all tricky. Also, if I want to add a totally chic “lean protein” to the salad, I have to wield a knife and totally risk salmonella with my careless Millennial kitchen hygiene habits (not to mention risk chopping off a finger).

Of course, I could go the convenience route, but that can be expensive. Last I checked, Panera had a rockin’-looking Asian chicken salad. But $7.09 plus tax is pricey. I mean seriously. That’s like seven and a half small Wendy’s Frosty desserts forgone. If you really want me to eat my vegetables, then get me something cheap, not complicated, and something which won’t go bad should I, you know, put off the whole veggie eating thing in favor of those Frosty desserts for a few days.

Lean Cuisine meals might not be aesthetically pleasing, but they aren’t complicated. Taking something out of the freezer and heating it up in the microwave oven is, based on numerous test runs, pretty simple. A head of lettuce? Well, aside from exercising restraint and resisting the cereal aisle at the grocery store, that actually seems relatively painless as well.

Also, ‘Asian style’ food isn’t complicated. I’ve never been one to even try to understand what separates Korean, Chinese, and Japanese cuisines, but throw some carrots and broccoli in there, dress it up with something gingery and soy-based, and my white person American taste buds are totally basking in the idea of ethnic food.

Lean Cuisine’s new Salad Additions look to engage my yearning for de-complicating veggies by combining the miracle of refrigeration with some good old fashioned step-by-step heating instructions, all the while keeping me well away from knifes.

After keeping the ethos of Asian-style and picking up a head of green leaf lettuce and some spinach at for a combined $2.73 at my local Lotte plaza, I made sure to follow the directions by placing my sesame-ginger vinaigrette in room temperature water to thaw. It didn’t. At least it didn’t within the three and a half minute microwave window the box told me to nuke the vegetables and chicken for, and it still didn’t thaw completely after I stood around and inhaled the smell of bland lettuce for five minutes after that.

This was a most disheartening wait given that the vinaigrette passed from a consistency bordering on root beer float popsicle to that of diarrhea, all the while waiting to be drenched on a hodgepodge of cut up colors that provided little truth in advertising to the juicy pieces of pineapple and grilled chicken breast that the package photo displayed.

Finally reaching a vinaigrette consistency that might fool you for an actual vinaigrette, I decided to make my salad pretty. Despite an art background which includes numerous preschool awards for staying within the lines, I was unable to make my salad appear exactly as it was on the box. The salad tastes like what you’d expect from a mediocre fast food attempt to make a similar salad.

The chicken doesn’t really taste like chicken, but with ten ingredients to make “cooked white meat chicken,” that might be expected. The chicken strips ranged from gummy to dry and were mostly salty with a bit of that gelatinous gunk you sometimes encounter with canned chicken.

The broccoli and edamame would best be described as terribly bland. However, I can accurately report the orange and yellow carrots tasted like absolutely nothing. Compared to absolutely nothing, bland might as well be chocolate cake. I believe, but cannot confirm, I received one or two small slices of pineapple, which tasted canned and were cloying, like the dressing. However, I do appreciate that dressing as well as the crunchy noodles. Together they contributed salt, sweetness, crunch, and a bit of fat, albeit in a very McDonald’s salad kind of way.

Lean Cuisine’s new Asian Chicken Salad Addition is not very complicated, not very Asian, and not very good. But because it’s also not very expensive and not very horrible, it leaves me feeling significantly less guilty about my purchase than an overpriced and not very good salad from say…McDonald’s. It also leaves me less likely to purchase something that will significantly decrease my lifespan, and leaves me with a buttload of leftover lettuce. And you know what they say when life gives you a bunch of lettuce?

Yeah, I don’t really know either. I just hope it doesn’t involve buying more Lean Cuisine Salad Additions.

(Nutrition Facts – 260 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 gram of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 510 milligrams of sodium, 400 milligrams of potassium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.)

Item: Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Chicken Salad Additions
Purchased Price: $2.00
Size: 7.2 ounces
Purchased at: Weis Markets
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: No fuss vegetables. Tasty vinaigrette. Noodle strips. Cheaper than most ‘Asian-style’ fast food salads. Fitting in with the middle aged women at the office lunch table. Forces me to buy lettuce. Turning into a vegetable via too much college sports watching.
Cons: Gives vegetables a bad name. Insipid two-carrot mix. Not very many vegetables. “Grilled” chicken that doesn’t taste much like chicken, and contains nine ingredients which aren’t actually chicken. Vinaigrette looks like frozen Dr Pepper.

REVIEW: Special K Ham, Egg & Pepper Jack Cheese Flatbread Breakfast Sandwich

October 22, 2012December 24, 2020 Adam 13 Comments

It pretty much goes without saying that meat, egg, and cheese form the triumvirate of breakfast deliciousness in the grab-and-go world. It also goes without saying that this trinity of cholesterol, fat, and sodium will pretty much kill you if you eat too much of it and sit on your butt all day.

That is, unless you serve it up within the familiar packaging of Special K, which wants to rewards that hard butt-sitting at the office with a breakfast sandwich to keep you going without sending you into cardiac arrest.

There are a few things I give Special K the benefit of the doubt with. Cereal, obviously, is one of them. Making my girlfriend attempt contortionist yoga moves while pouring milk onto said cereal while wiggling into those skinny jeans would also be up there. Crafting a healthy breakfast sandwich that doesn’t taste rubbery or flavorless (here’s looking at you, Dunkin Donuts) isn’t.

That being said, I have an unhealthy and unrealistic expectation of box art on new grocery products and not a lot of time to spare for making breakfast in the morning, so I willingly stepped to the plate when it came to buying Special K’s new Flatbread Breakfast Sandwiches.

They must have been selling like hotcakes because there were only a few boxes of the Ham, Egg and Pepper Jack Flatbreads left on the morning I stopped by the store. If they tasted half as good as hotcakes, I might be inclined to make a joke about how I’d be on a fast track to becoming a fat dude. Except, since each flatbread is only 200 calories and packs 12 grams of protein, I guess I’d be on a fast track to being one skinny dude, which I already am.

Regular readers now know I’ve lived up to the stereotype about men and our inability to follow directions. However, in this case I followed the directions to a tee, right on down to microwaving my sandwich on a paper towel for 1 minute and 15 seconds and then letting it rest for one minute to ensure “even heating.” I followed the directions so closely that had I considered myself a child, I would have made sure to Skype my parents and have them supervise me.

After 2 minutes and 15 seconds my previously hard as a hockey puck flatbread had become warm and, to my utter bewilderment, slightly toasty. Worried the microwave process would render the bread component flimsy and soggy was a fear of mine going in, but aside from one spot where the cheese had overflowed to the side, the sandwich emerged almost as if it had a round at the number two setting in the toaster. Speaking of that cheese to the side deal, would it kill Special K to position the cheese to the middle? There’s not a lot of pepper jack to begin with, and having a sixth of my puny slice fed to the paper towel wasn’t, as the kids say, cool.

The sandwich itself isn’t half bad. Wow, I can’t believe I actually wrote that. Obviously it’s small, but the the eggs have a slightly buttery and salty flavor, with the cheese adding a really good, milky, and fatty richness that has all the melty goo and backheat you’d expect from pepper jack. Even the flatbread had a nice honey-oat flavor, which added a little sweetness and wholesomeness to the otherwise salty-heat of the eggs and cheese.

It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. The cheese lacks the coverage needed to goo-ify the entire sandwich, while the ham is dry and a bit chewy. Oh yea, did I mention that it was salty? Low calorie it might be, but with 30 percent of the RDA for salt (based on a 2,000 calorie diet) it’s not going to do your blood pressure any flavors. As much as I liked the pepper jack, the sandwich screams for a little sweetness, while a salsa component that adds tomatoes would go a long way to pushing a southwestern flavor profile.

I’m not willing start giving Special K the benefit of the doubt on other crap like chicken nuggets and french fries, but for the crowd who’ve been staring at those skinny jeans or just looking to mix-up the breakfast routine with a heated component, I admit these breakfast flatbreads could be a big hit. The texture isn’t bad at all for something that starts out in your freezer, and it definitely doesn’t taste like it’s low calorie. Still, a few minor tweaks would have gone a long way to making these way tastier, and maybe even a semi-regular buy for those of us not looking to add a few new yoga moves.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 flatbread – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, and 20% calcium)

Item: Special K Ham, Egg & Pepper Jack Cheese Flatbread Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 4 flatbreads
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cheese melts up nicely and has great milky flavor with spicy backheat. Flatbread maintains toasty texture with honey-oat taste. Eggs have buttery flavor. Ham is smoky. Tastier than Dunkin Donuts’ egg white flatbreads. Only 200 calories per sandwich. Reading directions. New yoga props.
Cons: Small. Tiny. Puny. Minuscule. Not recommended if you’re a grown man. Cheese doesn’t get full coverage over the egg. Ham is dry and chewy. Could use some kind of sweetness or relief. Saltier than the Dead Sea.

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs

September 10, 2012August 12, 2023 Kelley 12 Comments

I am an unapologetic carnivore. Steaks, ribs, loins, legs, wings, cheeks – bring it on. To my mouth, I mean; not to a cheerleading competition. My arteries are far too clogged by a lifetime of red meat for me to have the strength or motivation to climb a human pyramid, even if it is made up of sexy underaged girls in short skirts.

That said, I’m willing to keep an open mind about veggie-made foods that are supposed to taste like meat, or at least, a close enough approximation that non-meat-eaters can pretend like they’re not completely missing out on delicious, delicious animals.

Admittedly, I’ve only eaten veggie meat once – I was in college, and like any good Liberal Arts student, I was into Eastern philosophy, which culminated in a ten-day trip to the Shambala Center in Boulder, Colorado. While there, I learned things like ikebana, maitri, the fact that I could rock the Lotus position better than most of my peers, and how to make a bong out of an apple. That last one was not a University-sanctioned activity, but it was educational nonetheless.

It being Buddha Camp (my name for it, not theirs), there were meat-eater and vegetarian options available for every meal. I passed on almost every veggie dish, mostly out of animal-eating defiance and a general distrust of tofu, but on the day of our very last breakfast I had reached Enlightenment and decided to try some not-made-from-a-once-living-thing fake bacon (fakon?) and breakfast sausage (fauxsage?)

The fakon was like a delicious bacon-flavored cracker strip, but it could not hold a candle to the real thing. The fauxsage, however, was spot-on, and I had to admit that, if I ever watched a documentary about the inhumane treatment of slaughterhouse-destined animals that was horrifying enough to turn me off of meat, I could say goodbye to Jimmy Dean and be pretty satisfied with some fake sausage links to go with my organic free-range chicken eggs and the grapefruit from my local pesticide-free community garden.

It is with this experience in mind that I opened my chakras to Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs.

Each box comes with 15 meatballs, which gives you “about” three portions, according to the box. I’ve never been great at math, but dividing five into 15 should give you exactly three portions, unless someone’s being a ball hog. The Buddha frowns upon ball hogs.

The microwave instructions couldn’t have been easier: put five meatballs on a paper plate, cover, cook on high for two minutes, flipping after a minute. I’ve had Hot Pockets with cooking instructions more complicated than that.

The results, however, were what you might expect from two minutes in the microwave: they were kind of squishy, and not at all crisp on the outside. Despite the sponginess, however, I was pleased with the flavor – there was a definite meatiness to it, and the spices were plentiful. Although the list of ingredients only specify onion, onion spices, tomato paste, garlic powder, and “natural spices”, I swear I could also detect some fennel and sage in there, which were welcome additions.

I decided to try them using the oven instructions also, despite my aversion to actually having to cook anything. The directions here were to preheat to 350°F, spray a cooking sheet with cooking spray, plop down five meatballs, and cook for 17-18 minutes, flipping after 8 minutes.

I am, in case you hadn’t noticed, I am lazy bastard, so I long-ago learned the trick of placing a piece of foil on top of the baking sheet for easy clean-up. This ingenious “trick” backfired on me for obvious reasons: they tell you to use cooking spray to keep the meatballs from sticking when you flip them. My balls stuck to the foil like testicles to the thighs of a man going commando on a hot summer day.

I couldn’t unstick the balls without losing some meat, a sentence that I’m sure just made some male readers uncomfortable, but flipping them directly back onto the stuck parts prevented further meat loss, and the entirety of the meatballs’ surfaces actually turned out nice and crispy.

I found that the veggieballs cooked in the oven had a firmer texture on the inside and got some nice crunch and browning on the outside, making them less spongy and more meat-like.

Morningstar Farms Veggie Meatballs are called a Meal Starters; presumably, this means they are a means in which to start your meal, which in this case, would obviously be spaghetti and meatballs. Oh sure, I could have cooked up some whole grain pasta and got a jar of veghead-friendly sauce, but I took the phrase “Meal Starters” literally and ate them like an appetizer.

Oh, who am I kidding, I ate them with a plastic fork and a cup of Domino’s Marinara Sauce I found in my Drawer of Orphaned Condiments. I didn’t bother putting the oven-cooked balls on a plate or even leaving the kitchen. I again blame my laziness on the lethargy caused by eating too much real meat.

While Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs didn’t convert me to a vegetarian for life, I appreciate whatever dark arts they use to turn soy and spices into a meatless meatball that I would gladly eat if one of my filthy hippy friends invited me over for dinner. While the microwaved balls fell short in the texture department, the oven-cooked ones were quite pleasant, and the spices used were well-balanced, warding off any ideas of blandness.

These veggie meatballs get my Buddha Camp seal of approval. I’d try to sit Lotus in their honor, but I’m afraid my knee joints would pop because I am no longer a young, spry college student and my Enlightenment flew out the window once I started putting words like “synergy” and “dictation” on my resumé.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 meatballs – 130 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 4% calcium, and 8% iron.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 8.5 ounces (15 meatballs)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very well-spiced. The word “fauxsage”. Easy cooking instructions. Youthful college-Buddhist enthusiasm. Oven-cooked balls had a nice, crispy outside.
Cons: Spongy texture when microwaved. Being too old and rickety to sit in the Lotus position. Sticky (meat)balls. Ball hogs.

Tag: Frozen Food

REVIEW: Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pockets

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers Strawberry Waffles

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Chicken Salad Additions

REVIEW: Special K Ham, Egg & Pepper Jack Cheese Flatbread Breakfast Sandwich

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs

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