REVIEW: Red Baron Fully Loaded Hand Tossed Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza

Though factual evidence isn’t as plentiful as I’d like it to be (which, okay, maybe means my supposition is NOT true), it feels like nowhere are food cost increases more jarring than in the frozen pizza aisle. At most of my local grocery stores, a middle-of-the-road pizza like Tombstone or Red Baron, when not on sale, is somewhere between $6 and $7. A Totino’s — and I know, I know, it’s hardly a “pizza” (but it serves its own sort of purpose, like a McDonald’s hamburger) — is $2. And while I don’t want to be “old man yells at cloud” about it, I remember a time not all that long ago when these things were just a smidge over $1.

And then you get to the “top shelf” frozen pizza. At my closest grocery store, the DiGiorno Fully Stuffed Crust Ultimate Three Meat Pizza is $15.79. Take a moment and let that sink in. (I’ll also remind you that I live in Kansas City, not on a coast, and not on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.) The Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust Pepperoni is on sale… for $10.49. It’s hard to imagine anyone paying these prices, but I guess someone is. But when you can get a carryout two-topping from Dominos for slightly less than this, your frozen pie had really better bring it, right?

So is the Red Baron Fully Loaded Hand Tossed Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza worth the sticker shock? Look, I cannot in good conscience ever recommend that someone pay almost $10 for a frozen pizza. I just can’t. However, I can say that, compared to other pizzas at the same price point, this pizza is pretty great.

Though the “hand tossed” crust is pedestrian in terms of taste, it supports the heavy pizza well. There are three types of pepperoni present, regular circular, what seems to be a thicker cut triangle variety, and cubed. Accordingly, each bite is packed full of salty little bits of deliciousness. It’s worth noting that, for frozen pizza pepperoni, these things carry a bit of spice; not enough to make someone with an aversion to heat avoid it, I don’t think, but something that might surprise you if you’re not expecting it. The cheese isn’t snappy, but it stretches a bit, which isn’t ideal if, like me, you go at it too fast and end up with a napalmed chin. It appears to be a blend of mozzarella and cheddar, and there’s some parmesan sprinkled on the top, too, if I’m not mistaken. The sauce tastes like a canned generic pizza sauce, but it works.

Here’s what really struck me about this pizza — the sauce, coupled with the parmesan, really evoked the flavor of a Chef Boyardee home pizza kit. You know the kind. It comes in a box with the dough mix and the canned sauce. (And, in olden times, a packet of grated parmesan and Romano cheese.) If you’ve had that, you’ll have a good sense of how this pizza tastes. It tickled something nostalgic in me and momentarily made me forget that I was an adult paying exorbitant prices for any and everything, including frozen pizza. For that reason — and the fact that the pizza was damn tasty — I’ll buy it again. Provided, of course, that I find it on sale.

Purchased Price: $8.99 ($9.99 regular price)
Size: 28.75 oz
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/6th pizza) 370 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 mg of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Chocolatey Chip Banana Waffles

What are they?

In a riff on its classic frozen toaster waffle, Kellogg’s brings banana flavor and mini chocolate chips to the breakfast table.

How are they?

Let me address this question with the help of a fun banana fact: a bunch of bananas is called a “hand,” and one banana from that bunch is referred to as a “finger.” Knowing this, I’d liken the amount of banana flavor in each Chocolatey Chip Banana Waffle to a “hangnail.” That is to say, it is very small.

Upon opening the package, the frozen waffles have a wonderful, natural banana smell. (Per the list of ingredients, banana powder is used to achieve the product’s flavor.) Somehow, toasting the product loses this essence. The prepared waffle has the buttery quality of the Homestyle flavor, with satisfyingly crispy ridges and a softer center. However, the banana taste is very mild, appearing once every few chews, and seems to be the most concentrated around the perimeter. This reminded me a little of eating the crust of over-baked banana bread: you know there is banana hidden in the crispiness, but it is a shadow of what it once was.

The package recommends adding maple syrup or chocolate sauce for an extra treat. I added a touch of the former, resisting the primal urge to fill each square neatly and evenly with syrup. Alas, even a small amount of syrup drowned out the already-minimal banana flavor.

The chocolate chips scattered throughout the waffle are small but effective in adding flavor without overwhelming sweetness. Still, the product tastes bland overall, given its promise. I wonder if the banana flavor would have been better executed as part of Eggo’s Thick and Fluffy variety.

Anything else you need to know?

At first, I thought “Chocolatey Chip” was a typo for “Chocolate Chip.” Chocolatey is a fun word to say, but it feels awkward in print. I wondered if the word choice implied the use of a substance that cannot be classified as chocolate and sounded more appealing than chocolate-esque, chocolate-ish, or chocolate-like. The ingredients list includes simply “chocolate,” so consider my rhetoric-driven suspicions unfounded.

Conclusion:

Although the convenience, price, and nostalgia factor of the Eggo line can’t be beat, Chocolatey Chip Banana Waffles lack promised flavor, making them easy to l’eggo.

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 12.3 oz package – 10 waffles
Purchased at: Giant Eagle
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (per 2 waffles) 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: White Castle Castle Bites

White Castle Castle Bites Bag

What are they?

They are the love children from a White Castle cheeseburger slider and a pizza roll. And there are lots of kids in this 40-ounce party pack, which is also available in a hamburger variety.

How are they?

These are delicious, but with a big asterisk. And that asterisk is because these really don’t taste like White Castle sliders, neither the ones you get from the restaurant nor the frozen ones from the grocery store (and yes, I can confirm there is a difference). Part of the White Castle experience, especially if you get them fresh off the grill, is the pillowy softness of the bun that soaks up that distinctive beefy-onion flavor. That’s what’s missing here, along with the signature White Castle smell. If not for the packaging, I’m not sure I would have associated these with White Castle. But if you are just looking for cheeseburger-flavored pizza rolls, these really hit the spot. The outer shell has a nice crunch, and the filling provides a satisfying cheeseburger flavor with just a hint of onion. My only disappointment was the lack of White Castle smell and taste.

White Castle Castle Bites Plate

White Castle Castle Bites Split

Anyone who’s made pizza rolls knows there is about a 15-second difference between perfect crispness and a crime scene with filling splattered everywhere. These are no different, as evidenced by the pictures, except at least the oozing cheese makes it look less like something from a horror movie. And keep in mind, I’m the guy who turns on the oven light constantly to check on my food’s progress (and also the guy who always ignored my parent’s warnings and pressed my face against the microwave window), so I was watching these with fervent dedication, and I still got the dreaded explosive results.

White Castle Castle Bites Pan

Anything else you need to know?

White Castle Castle Bites Nutrition

It’s generally not a great idea to read the ingredients on Frankenstein-type food products like this, and that’s the case here. The back of the bag raises more questions than it answers, such as, what the heck is “natural grilled hamburger type flavor”? I didn’t expect this to only contain chopped up White Castle sliders, but the long list of ingredients (including chicken fat) probably does explain why these don’t taste how I thought they would. Also among my questions is how water is the first ingredient in these (as a refresher, ingredients are listed in descending weight order).

Conclusion:

White Castle Castle Bites Back Bag

If you don’t go in expecting the signature White Castle flavor and instead are just looking for a tasty and unhealthy snack, then you should enjoy these. And if you don’t want to make the significant financial commitment on a 40-ounce bag, an 18-ounce version is also available.

Purchased Price: $11.49
Size: 40 oz. party pack
Purchased at: Kroger
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (6 bites) 190 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 660 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Froot Loops Waffles (2022)

Kellogg s Eggo Froot Loops Waffles Box

What is it?

We’ve known for some time that Froot Loops is discontent with their lot in life. Dissatisfied for years now with their small corner on the grocery store shelf, nestled between the Honey Smacks and the Apple Jacks, they’ve been throwing themselves around like some rummed-up pirate on shore leave.

They were gummies for a spell after they were Pop-Tarts; they’ve been made into bars and straws. They were Easter Peeps once, and who could forget the time they became donuts from Carl’s Jr.? Well, now they’ve made their way into Eggo waffles. (Well, again. The first time was in 2003. Given the shared parentage, maybe it’s surprising it’s not a standard offering.)

How is it?

Kellogg s Eggo Froot Loops Waffles Plated

It’s exactly as you imagine: mostly run-of-the-mill Eggo waffles, but every so often, you get an aggressively sweet bit of Froot Loops cereal. There was no discernible textural difference between the regular waffle and the cereal piece, but I could see them, and I sure as hell could taste them.

I tried them plain and then in a universally standard waffle format — i.e. with butter and syrup — and it is worth noting that, while the Froot Loops taste is powerful on the naked waffle, when gussied up, it loses 95% of its impact. With butter and syrup, you’re just eating a normal waffle that gets weirdly chemical-tasting at the end.

Kellogg s Eggo Froot Loops Waffles Closeup

Anything else you need to know?

These weren’t bad; I don’t want anyone to think that. I’m just not sure under what circumstance they get eaten. Most people eat waffles with toppings, yeah? And if you’re topping these things, there’s no point in having them be Froot Loops waffles. It’s a real Catch Twenty-Toucan Sam. (Oh wow, I am so sorry about that. It just slipped out.)

Conclusion:

Froot Loops should work on their self-esteem and realize that, as the world’s preeminent artificially fruit-flavored, ring-shaped cereal, they are good enough, they make us proud, and all we want is for them to be happy with who they are.

Purchased Price: $2.69
Size: 12.3 oz/10 waffles
Purchased at: Sun Fresh
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 waffles) 190 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: DiGiorno Fully Stuffed Crust Pizza

DiGiorno Double Pepperoni Fully Stuffed Crust Pizza Box

Convenience, accessibility, price… there are so many reasons to love frozen pizza, and lots of people might also consider a crispy, cracker-like crust to be one of them. But buyer beware, that is not what you’ll get with DiGiorno’s new Fully Stuffed Crust.

DiGiorno Double Pepperoni Fully Stuffed Crust Pizza Frozen

I bought the Double Pepperoni variety, which, truthfully, I had cynically assumed was just a marketing gimmick to make run-of-the-mill pepperoni sound twice as exciting. I was pleased to realize that the name does, in fact, refer to two distinct types of pepperoni, “sliced” (the usual rounds) and “diced” (little chunks that reminded me of the julienne-cut Canadian bacon from Papa John’s Triple Bacon Pizza). If you prefer your pizza with an additional exciting adjective, you can also opt for Ultimate Three Meat.

DiGiorno Double Pepperoni Fully Stuffed Crust Pizza Cooked

I don’t think I need to dwell too long on the standard elements here: the cheese on top is mild and chewy, the pepperoni is greasy and aggressively meaty-tasting (I found the diced bits to be notably tender too, almost melt-in-your-mouth), the sparingly applied red sauce is flavorful if a bit watery, and the crust is yeasty and satisfying. My particular pie actually reminded me of Pizza Hut’s The Edge, with the toppings extending right to the end of every slice. I’m not sure if that’s a core part of the Fully Stuffed Crust brand or if I just got lucky, but either way, I’m happy! I sometimes find eating a dry, hard pizza crust a bit of a chore, but this was its own pleasure, reminiscent of focaccia bread, thick and luxurious.

Speaking of thick and luxurious, let’s get to the star of the show!

DiGiorno Double Pepperoni Fully Stuffed Crust Pizza Cheese

Unlike traditional stuffed crust, which merely crams cheese along the pie’s paltry perimeter, this ambitious new entry into the DiGiorno canon boasts, according to its box, “A FULL LAYER of cheese” on the inside. After some careful peeling (the pizza lent itself oddly well to being separated into layers), I can confirm that this is no joke! The inner cheese really does span the entire pizza, meting out an extra mound of mozzarella in every mouthful.

DiGiorno Double Pepperoni Fully Stuffed Crust Pizza Bite

This is where my warning about the lack of crispiness comes in: often frozen pizzas are so brittle they snap if you look at them wrong, but the bonus layer of cheese makes this whole shebang seriously smooth and supple. I’d even go as far as to call it “fluffy.” That being said, the fluffiness is buried under an avalanche of sauce, toppings, and surprisingly soft crust, all jostling for your taste buds’ attention, so “extra cheesiness” does not necessarily jump out as part of the flavor profile. During my aforementioned peeling experiment, I was able to isolate the inner cheese and enjoy its buttery, slightly sharp taste — and the very comforting joyfulness that stuffed crust inevitably induces in me — but it was still a little bland.

If you particularly appreciate a silky texture or are just a passionate pizza patron, I would fully recommend this Fully Stuffed Crust. If your primary concern is taste, the extra cheese layer might not be stuffed with enough bang for your buck.

Purchased Price: $10.49
Size: 31.2 oz
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/6 pizza) 370 calories, 19 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 950 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.