Tag: Frozen Food

REVIEW: Totino’s Pizza Stuffers (Pepperoni and Combination)

Marvo 21 Comments

Totino's Pizza Stuffers

Totino’s Party Pizzas have a special place in my heart, which I hope they’re not clogging with trans fats.

Even though I’ve never seen one at a party, it uses something called “Mozzarella Cheese Substitute,” and its crispy crust sometimes makes my upper palate raw, my mouth can’t help but water when a Totino’s Party Pizza is presented in front of me. So while I’ve never seen Totino’s Party Pizza served at a party, it does create a party in my mouth.

But it’s not just being so damn tasty that makes a Totino’s Party Pizza so special, it’s also its price.

When on sale, you can score yourself one with whatever loose change you can panhandle in 10 minutes outside the store you’re going to purchase it from. Of course, the more charming or desolate you are, the quicker you’ll probably get the one dollar you’ll need to purchase a Party Pizza.

While Totino’s Party Pizzas are tasty and cheap, the two things they aren’t are portable and microwaveable. But Totino’s is trying to solve that with their new Pizza Stuffers, which takes the meat, sauce, and mozzarella cheese substitute on top of a Party Pizza and stuffs it into a golden crust. Think of it as Totino’s delayed answer to the Hot Pocket.

I know Totino’s has their Pizza Rolls, but, seriously, those are meant for 10-year-olds.

The Totino’s Pizza Stuffers come in three varieties: cheese, pepperoni, and combination (sausage and pepperoni). I skipped the cheese one because, really, there’s only so much mozzarella cheese substitute I’m willing to tolerate. Depending on which ethnicity you are, a Pizza Stuffer looks like either an empanada, a gigantic gyoza, a mini calzone, or some kind of dim sum.

Totino's Pizza Stuffers Innards

Preparing a Pizza Stuffer took me about two minutes of microwaving time, flipping it over once at the one minute mark. Just like Hot Pockets, Totino’s hasn’t figured out how to prevent their products from oozing when being microwaved. If you decide to microwave your Totino’s Pizza Stuffer, expect a softer crust that’s a little tough and chewy at the edges. I also baked them in a toaster oven, which takes 20 minutes to heat up at the instructed 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Since they don’t come with fancy crisping sleeves, a crispy crust can only be accomplished in an oven or toaster oven.

If you find yourself staring into the freezer aisle case at your local grocery store because you’re trying to decide which Pizza Stuffers flavor to pick up, I’d suggest picking up the Combination one. The Pepperoni Pizza Stuffers were palatable, but I could hardly taste the pepperoni. Instead, it had a significant tomato sauce flavor. The only difference between the Pepperoni and Combination flavors is the use of pork sausage, but it makes a huge difference in terms of flavor because, unlike the pepperoni in the Pepperoni one, I could actually taste the sausage. I still couldn’t taste the pepperoni in the Combination Pizza Stuffers, but that was expected.

Overall, the Totino’s Pizza Stuffers are a good snack or part of a complete lunch or dinner. If Totino’s Party Pizzas have a special place in your heart, both varieties will have a familiar taste, thanks to that sweet sauce they all have. They’re more expensive and less satisfying than a Party Pizza, but their size makes portion control much easier. Because, seriously, I could inhale a whole Party Pizza in one sitting.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Pizza Stuffer – Pepperoni – 280 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein. Combination – 270 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

*uses partially hydrogenated oil

Item: Totino’s Pizza Stuffers (Pepperoni and Combination)
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 4 count
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Pepperoni)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Combination)
Pros: Combination flavor is good. Pork sausage brings the flava. If you enjoy Totino’s Party Pizzas, you’ll enjoy these. Portable and microwaveable. Totino’s Party Pizzas.
Cons: Pepperoni flavor was a little disappointing. Uses partially hydrogenated oils. More expensive and less satisfying than a Totino’s Party Pizza. No crisping sleeves. Uses something called mozzarella cheese substitute. Eating a Totino’s Party Pizza in one sitting.

REVIEW: Freschetta Simply… Inspired Southern BBQ Recipe Chicken Pizza

Nichol 7 Comments

Freschetta Simply Inspired Southern BBQ Recipe Chicken Pizza

Often it’s the little things that provide the greatest inspiration: the first autumn leaves swirling in the breeze, the laughter of children, the ethereal glow of crashing waves in the full moonlight, etc. And now, Freschetta hopes you’ll add BBQ chicken pizza to that list, along with the seven other new varieties not found at my local Target as of last week. That’s right folks – branch-clinging kitten poster levels of inspiration can be yours, instantly, for the low, low price of five dollars.

With it you’ll also get inordinate levels of pretension, free of charge. In my head, I’m pronouncing Target as Tar-zjay. That’s how pretentious I’ve become just a few hours after my discovery of the Simply… Inspired Pizzas, which supposedly feature larger and more prevalent toppings, a crispier crust and come in a more form-fitting box. This makes me instantly better than you by association. I feel like scoffing at the Red Baron and flippantly ignoring Wolfgang Puck as he calls to me from down the way. Digiorno? California Pizza Kitchen? Tombstone? Amateurs, the lot of them.

If I had to peg one element that truly elevates this pizza above those with cookies, dips, budget-rate price tags, and garlic crusts, I’d say… it’s the ellipses in the title. Hands down. As far as I can tell, nobody else in frozen food section has yet taken advantage of the grandeur and enticement of this rare bit of punctuation. In a world of keyboard bashing neurotics, the ellipses falls dangerously close to becoming the snootier, desperately more boring cousin of the interrobang. It hangs there mid-sentence as if to say, “Oh, sorry there. Didn’t mean to start off too overwhelmingly fast (for idiots like yourself). Let’s take a pause, shall we. And you know what? It might be time to skim over the really dull, academic bits. It’s the least I can do, really, without adding footnotes and visual aids.”

Inspired? Really? By all the other previously existing BBQ chicken pizzas you mean? What’s that? Oh, of course: you’re different. This apparently isn’t the California-born taste revolution you’ve naively fallen for. Oh no. This one’s a unique blend of “classic flavors of the south”, meaning the cilantro is almost non-existent and the “sweet and tangy” sauce pretty much tastes like KC Masterpiece.

Freschetta Simply Inspired Southern BBQ Recipe Chicken Pizza Frozen

Peeling open the package initially reveals large white meat chicken chunks and thick cut onions, true to the pompous package promises. This gives me tragically high hopes, which immediately began to droop and melt away along with the pizza as soon as I toss it in the oven.

I sit on my kitchen floor in denial for the first few minutes, staring vacantly as the crust buckles and cheese drips into the abyss.

I followed directions! I normally don’t abandon the tray unless the particular line of pizzas has proven its structural integrity to me on numerous occasions in the past, but this time I threw caution to the wind and went by the book on my first go-round. This will certainly even out. Everything will be okay. It just has to. It’s such a pretty pizza!

I snap back to reality as the first beautiful chicken chunk tumbles to its crispy death between the grates. A rescue is in order. Preparing for battle, I grab two metal spatulas, a cookie sheet, an oven mitt, and a potholder. Brazenly and triumphantly flinging open the oven door yields a first good look at my apparent wax replica of a classic southern pizza. With one hand, I press the cookie sheet up against the bottom of the rack. With the other, I begin coaxing the pizza forward. At first the pizza merely responds with a resounding “fuck you” and refuses to budge. I burn my hand and retreat hastily, leaving the cookie sheet on the rack below the pizza to catch falling toppings.

Time to regroup.

For round two, I reinforce my tender digits using a larger, thicker potholder and the second, non-slotted spatula. This time the game plan is to pry as I coax. Pliability will be its downfall.

I ease the pizza forward ever so slowly, bending it to my will… and my spatula. Eventually it oozes over to the cookie sheet, like the creature in The Blob, only with crust.

Freschetta Simply Inspired Southern BBQ Recipe Chicken Pizza Baked

Hot, sweaty, and battle scarred, I nonetheless emerge victorious. Once on the tray, the pizza magically loses its malleability and holds its abhorrent mutant shape. Amazingly nothing appears too burnt, aside from the scattered casualties on the floor of my oven.

With the dearth of cilantro, a hidden Midwestern side takes over, reminding me of mom’s grilled BBQ chicken, minus the frantic race to light the grill and complete cooking in 50 mile per hour gusting winds ahead of the weekly oncoming thunderstorm. What this thing really needs is a side of potato salad.

For all the hype, it’s a let down, but without all that it wouldn’t actually be too bad. The sauce is never too rich or overwhelming. The topping distribution is generally above par. For all the drama, the crust is surprisingly crisp and chewy. My only qualm is the cheese, which starts out decent then disintegrates and slides around a bit, nearing vegan cheese texture as it cools. This is most noticeable in places where the cheese is thickest. It was just weird. Not terrible, but a bit fake.

If you’re a BBQ chicken fan, you’ll find this difficult to hate, unless you burn yourself horribly as I did. But if you’re a tried and true BBQ Chicken pizza addict of the CPK ilk, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment by getting Inspired. Sorry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza – 360 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 820 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 25% calcium, and 10% iron)

Item: Freschetta Simply… Inspired Southern BBQ Recipe Chicken Pizza
Price: 2 for $10
Size: 14.84 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like the Midwest. Gaining pretension like a super power. Thick, juicy chicken chunks. Interrobangs. Chewy, crispy thin crust. Footnotes. Visual aids. Inspiring kitten posters.
Cons: Undersized potholders. Cheese cools to oily faux-cheese texture. Screamingly pretentious, yet oh so unrefined. Similar to a crusty blob monster while cooking. Thunderstorm battle almost unwinnable with charcoal grill. Condescending ellipses.

REVIEW: California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Crispy Thin Crust Four Cheese Pizza Spinach Artichoke Dip 10 Flatbread Wedges

Kelley 10 Comments

California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Four Cheese Spinach Artichoke

Well, it was bound to happen. DiGiorno started it with their Pizza & Cookies and their Pizza & Wyngz. As we all know by now, once one company comes up with a batshit crazy idea, competitors must keep up with their level of insanity. And thus, California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Crispy Thin Crust Four Cheese Pizza Spinach Artichoke Dip 10 Flatbread Wedges was born.

CPK makes some of the highest-quality frozen pizzas out there. They have a wide variety of flavors that go well beyond your typical Pepperoni or Supreme, thus reflecting their products as gourmet, or as gourmet as you can get in the frozen food aisle. You might be wondering why they would kowtow to such ridiculousness. Just call me Sherlock fucking Holmes, because I did a little sleuthing and found some interesting information.

In early 2010, Kraft sold its North American frozen pizza empire to Nestle for $3.7 billion. This included brands like DiGiorno, Tombstone, and…you guessed it…California Pizza Kitchen. Given this information, it becomes clear that this is not a matter of competitive craziness. It’s more like two siblings sleeping together in the same bed. That bed is made with tomato sauce, cookie dough and spinach artichoke dip. That bed is messy in more than one way.

I feel like Nestle has tried to hoodwink all of us, but I’m not exactly sure how, and I can only pour so much of my outrage into frozen pizza conspiracies. You’d be surprised how thin my outrage is spread. Like CPK’s Bordelaise butter sauce on their Garlic Chicken pizza. Yep, just like that.

One reason I can’t get too mad at CPK is that I love spinach artichoke dip. It’s one of my favoritest foods ever. I’ve never had CPK’s version, but pick a chain restaurant and I’ve probably had theirs. I’m not an expert; I just know my dips is all I’m saying.

The store I found CPKP&ACTCFCPSAD10FW in only had Four Cheese as the pizza portion of the equation, but Marvo has seen it with Sicilian, so there are more flavors out there. CPK’s website is strangely mum about the subject, so you’ll just have to check for yourself.

California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Four Cheese Spinach Artichoke Box Back

Let’s tackle the cooking method of CPKP&ACTCFCPSAD10FW. When you’ve got three different items that need to be cooked, things can get tricky. Bear with me as I slog through this mire of directions. It’ll be a pretty dry portion of this review, but if you find yourself giving up halfway through reading this, you may not have the patience necessary to cook the real thing. Consider it a litmus test for your level of interest in making CPK’s Pizza & Appetizer.

Method 1: Appetizer First, As God Intended

Preheat oven to 400. Shove pizza and flatbread into oven, right on the rack. Cook 6 minutes. Meanwhile, microwave dip with plastic cover lifted to vent for 1 to 1:45, depending on your wattage. Stir, recover, microwave 1 more minute. Take flatbread out after the first 6 minutes; cook pizza another 6 minutes while you hurriedly shove dip into your mouth with flatbread wedges so you finish your appetizer before the pizza burns.

Method 2: Appetizer and Pizza at Same Time So You Aren’t Running Around Like Crazy

Same preheat. Cook pizza 6 minutes. Throw in flatbread; cook another 6 minutes. Microwave dip the same way. Eat everything together, turning your appetizer into a side dish. Consider dunking your pizza in the spinach artichoke dip.

California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Four Cheese Spinach Artichoke Wrapped

Unwrapping CPK Pizza & Appetizer was like pulling apart a Russian nesting doll in reverse. There’s plastic shrink-wrapped around the whole package; after you take that off, you free the upside-down cup of spinach artichoke dip. Underneath is more plastic; once you remove that, you have access to the flatbread, which has a grease-stained disc of white paper separating it from the pizza itself. Unearthing all the components was like conducting an archeological dig, except instead of bones or mummies, you’re digging out an improbable trio of junk food.

At first, I was going to choose Cooking Method 1, but then I realized that from the perspective of taking pictures while the food was fresh and not having to run around frantically, having them at the same time would work much better.

Even then, the whole cooking process felt a little like conducting an orchestra. When I made this comment to my husband, he replied with, “Yes, Kelley, that is exactly what baking, photographing, and reviewing pizza and dip is like. You’re goddamned Leopold.” No respect for the process, that man. Honestly though, without the picture-taking I feel the process would have been much less hectic,

California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Spinach Artichoke Frozen-Cooked

I’ll start with the appetizer, since it is, after all…the appetizer. I thought I might have pulled the flatbread out too early because the pizza looked like it was about to burn but the flatbread didn’t look like it had enough golden brown parts like the box said it should. When I was eating it, however, the bread was a perfect consistency – soft and chewy, with a touch of crispiness on the outside. The flatbread also broke apart easily along the perforations into ten wedges that were the perfect size for dipping.

As for the spinach artichoke dip, it wasn’t quite restaurant quality, but I would consider it above average for a frozen dip. I’ve had TGI Friday’s frozen spinach artichoke dip many times, and I think CPK beats Friday’s dip hands down. I would have liked to have seen larger artichoke pieces, but other than that, it was creamy, cheesy, garlicky, and frankly more than I expected out of a frozen dip.

Unfortunately, the container was rather small. I ate all the dip in one sitting, and while I do tend to pile it on when I’m dipping, in this instance I attempted to eat like a normal human being and still wound up finishing it off after only six and a quarter wedges. My leftover wedges sat on the plate, brokenhearted, with no purpose left in life. They wanted more dip, and so did my mouth.

California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Four Cheese Frozen-Cooked

CPK’s Four Cheese frozen pizza is not a new product, but I’ve never had it, so it was new to me. Again, I thought I’d burned it, but it came out perfectly cooked, with good browning on the cheese. CPK really did get the cooking times right.

They got the cheese right, too. I’m not an easy person to impress when it comes to cheese pizza; I’m usually all about the toppings and consider cheese pizza to be for boring people who sit in the corner at parties, abstaining from booze and complaining about there being too much smoke in the room.

CPK really impressed me with their Four Cheese, however. And we’re even talking about a frozen pizza. The addition of fontina and gouda really added depth to the flavor and gave the pizza different levels of cheesy goodness. There was just the right amount of tomato sauce to compliment the cheeses, too. I found myself pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the cheese and felt it really could stand on its own.

Is this whole “pizza plus appetizer/side/desert” premise propagated by Nestle silly? Sure. But I really enjoyed California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Crispy Thin Crust Four Cheese Pizza Spinach Artichoke Dip 10 Flatbread Wedges. The dip was delicious, the flatbread a perfect vessel for it, and the cheese pizza surprised me with its depth of flavor. I’ll probably never again cook pizza and cookies together, but I can see myself indulging in this bread, dip and pie trio again and again.

Speaking of DiGiorno, where’s the third player in Nestle’s frozen pizza empire in all this? I’m talking to you, Tombstone. You may be a little more for the budget-minded pizza buyers, but there’s no reason you can’t get in on this game. We’ve already covered, appetizers, sides and desserts, but what about beverages? My suggestion: dehydrated beer packets. Get on it!

(Nutrition Facts – Four Cheese Pizza – 1/3 pizza – 320 calories, 130 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 650 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 0% vitamin C, 35% calcium and 10% iron. Spinach Artichoke Dip and Flatbread Wedges – 3 flatbread wedges + 2 tablespoons dip – 130 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: California Pizza Kitchen Pizza & Appetizer Crispy Thin Crust Four Cheese Pizza Spinach Artichoke Dip 10 Flatbread Wedges
Price: $7.49
Size: 1 pizza; 3.9 ounces dip; 10 flatbread wedges
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cooking times just right. Flatbread just the right texture. Composing a junk food orchestra. Spinach artichoke dip was creamy and delicious. Overdipping. Cheese pizza had good depth of cheesy flavor.
Cons: Not enough dip. Incestuous products from sneaky megacompanies. Not enough artichoke chunks in dip. Cooking takes a lot of planning. Heartbroken unused flatbread wedges.

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits

Stephanie 23 Comments

Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits

Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a food scientist? I mean, somewhere in this country, right now, in any number of laboratories, there are chemists standing around in white lab coats, creating the next flavor sensation over a Bunsen burner and an Erlenmeyer flask. Do they have a list of objectives for each new invention? “Step 1: Create new convenience food. Step 2: Test flavor. Make improvements if necessary. Step 3: Collect paycheck. Buy Maserati.” Seriously, some of these folks earn up to six figures. When you throw in the added challenge of using meat substitutes for dishes traditionally reserved for the real thing, it makes that hefty paycheck seem all the more reasonable, especially if it turns out pretty well.

Morningstar Farms has a nice fake meat thing going on, and it appears their food technicians have mad skills in the stuffed sandwich science department. It’s like they took a look at the other smaller, less flavorful stuffed breakfast sandwich failures on the grocery shelves and said to themselves, “We can rebuild these. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first frozen, vegetarian stuffed sandwich with fake sausage.” They vowed that the Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit would be that sandwich… A Six-Million Dollar Biscuit, sold for $6. Hot, buttery, and fluffy on the inside, crispy and flaky on the outside, and stuffed with delicious, low-fat ingredients that won’t slide out. And it would be huge for a frozen biscuit. Not teensy like some other brands. Better. Stronger. Tastier. And there’d be a fake bacon one, too.

I’m pleased to say that, on the whole, those crazy scientists have succeeded. The other frozen vegetarian sandwiches I’ve tried just don’t compare to the Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. For one, the other sandwiches lack fake meat, opting for just eggs and cheese. I’ve always preferred breakfast sandwiches that combine the holy trinity of eggs, cheese and some type of meat, and having low-fat, vegetarian sausage crumbles in place of full-fat pork or turkey sausage makes the whole thing even more attractive. Sometimes you just crave that third flavor in a sandwich to kind of balance everything out. Three is the magic number, after all. It’s science.

Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits Outters Innards

However, I discovered that the number three isn’t so wonderful. Startlingly, it took me three separate attempts to cook the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit to an appropriate temperature and texture. It’s pretty strange, considering the warning on the box that the biscuit filling may be “EXTREMELY HOT” after cooking (presumably once), and that the biscuits themselves may be “too hot to handle.” It took a lot more time to get either of these advisories to come true. And even then, it was never too hot to handle.

The first time, I followed the package’s microwave instructions, and the result was just okay. The innards had been sufficiently cooked, but the biscuit itself was left a little bit spongy. On my second try, I used the conventional oven instructions and discovered to my horror, that the innards were still a bit cool, even after sitting in a 400-degree oven for 20 minutes. For my final attempt, I combined the two methods: I microwaved the biscuit for 15 seconds then placed it in the oven for the full amount of time. It came out perfectly: soft, warm, crispy-on-the-edges biscuit on the outside with a hot, sausage-egg-and-cheese mixture on the inside. The texture of the veggie sausage crumbles was exactly what I expected, but the cheese was a bit runny and may have gotten soaked up by the scrambled egg. It tasted much better than before, though. Good thing they sell these things in boxes of three.

The Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit makes an excellent breakfast, but not if you’re in any particular hurry. The Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit is indeed state-of-the-art, but the Morningstar Farms scientists should have been a little more precise with their cooking instructions. Getting the temperature of my breakfast just right was a trial that brought me a little closer to the plight of a true food scientist… only the reward for my scientific experimentation had slightly less vrooom.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 biscuit (105g) – 270 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 190 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein. 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 15% iron.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits
Price: $3.99 (on sale; normally $5.99)
Size: 3 biscuits/11.1 ounces
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Buttery biscuit. Low-fat breakfast. Savory vegetarian sausage crumbles. “3” is the magic number. Bigger and denser than other stuffed breakfast sandwiches. Erlenmeyer flasks. Lee Majors.
Cons: Took three different attempts to get the right temperature and texture. Liquid cheese. Not for those in a rush. Less horsepower than a Maserati. $6 regular price tag.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo FiberPlus Waffles (Calcium Buttermilk & Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)

Drew 6 Comments

Eggo FiberPlus Waffles

“Waffles?” you ask.  “Really, Drew?  The man who reviewed beer for Christmas is a week behind on a review, and when he finally gets it in, it’s waffles?  That’s weak, bro.”  Your scorn is duly noted, and all I can offer in return is that, as the joint creator and co-producer of a two-year-old and a three-week-old, I have not gotten more than five hours of sleep a night in, well, three weeks.  Ergo, I am going to review my effing waffles with fiber, and you will read every damn word I have to say, no matter how little sense it makes or how old it makes me sound.  Are we clear?

The gimmick of Kellogg’s new Eggo waffles is that they’re FiberPlus, boldly proclaimed as 35% of your daily recommended intake of fiber right there on the front of the box.  By way of differentiating the two flavors beyond just “one’s got chocolate chips, the other don’t,” the buttermilk variety touts the word “calcium” on its banner, whereas the chocolate chip version boasts of its antioxidants, including vitamin E and zinc.  I was prepared to laugh my taint off if both versions had the exact same amount of calcium and Kellogg’s was just pretending there’s some health advantages of one over the other, but apparently they are indeed slightly distinct.  According to the nutritional info, the buttermilk variety have a whopping 5% more of your daily recommended intake of calcium per waffle than their be-chipped brethren, but with the trade-off of no appreciable levels of vitamin E or zinc.  This matters to me absolutely zero, but I suppose somewhere there may be someone who has strong, definitive opinions about how much zinc they consume in their breakfast toaster items.  Someday I would like to meet that man and tell him he’s wasted his life.  Then he’ll say I’m pretty judgmental for a guy who’s not wearing any pants, and we’ll both have a good laugh.

Eggo FiberPlus Waffles Naked

My chief concern about the waffles beforehand was the same one I have whenever I try a food purporting to be healthy, which is that too often there’s the inevitable sacrifice of taste for health.  Yes, your unsweetened organic rice cakes may let me live two days longer than if I’d eaten a Twinkie instead, but during that time the thought “Man, those rice cakes really tasted like the styrofoam packing peanuts they were probably made from” will cross my mind at least three times.  (I intend to be very reflective in my final days.)  I’m not interested in improved colon health if the unspoken caveat is that I’m basically eating cardboard.  Fortunately, I can report that the FiberPlus waffles are no worse than other Eggo waffles I’ve had in the past, which also means they’re tastier than your average frozen waffle.

The adjectives most commonly used to denote good waffles are “light and fluffy.” But be honest — when’s the last time you had a frozen food that really qualified as “light”?   I’ll offer that these are fluffy and… semi light?  Light-ish?  Loosely adapted from a work inspired by light?  You won’t mistake them for being freshly made, but they’re probably as non-heavy as you could expect out of frozen waffles.  As for the flavor, extra calcium and fiber or not, nothing tastes “off” about the buttermilk ones.  I could distinctly taste the chocolate chips in the antioxidants variety, and there are a decent (though not overly generous) number of chips in each.  For the price you’re paying, it’s hard to find too much fault with the taste.

In the interest of garnering multiple perspectives, and also because kids gotta eat, I solicited my toddler’s opinions on the waffles as well.  She reported that they taste, quote, “Mmm-hmm,” and expanded on this with, “I get down now?” However, she also ate every bite, which NEVER happens, so that’s kind of the ultimate compliment.  Bafflingly, that was the buttermilk; the next day she ate two bites of the chocolate chip one and then flatly turned it down, proving once and for all that kids are kind of dumb.  She did deign to eat the rest of it that night, and when asked to clarify whether it was “satisfying” or “flavorful,” indicated that it was “favorul.”  If Kellogg’s wants to use that in their new advertising campaign, I’m willing to sign the consent forms.

Finally, I’m not a coffee drinker, but many people are, and between a cup or two of java and these waffles, well… I can’t vouch for it personally, but I could see that being the kind of breakfast that puts a spring in your step and your ass on the john.  I would not schedule a particularly long staff meeting after a venti mocha and a couple of these waffles, is what I’m saying.  On the other hand, happy parents make for happy babies, and what’s more important to long-term happiness than good digestive health?  Maybe I was smart to buy these things after all.  Thanks, FiberPlus!

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – Calcium Buttermilk – 160 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 390 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.  Antioxidants Chocolate Chip – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 350 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo FiberPlus Waffles (Calcium Buttermilk & Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)
Price: $3.39
Size: 8 waffles
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Calcium Buttermilk)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)
Pros: Affordable.  Easy to prepare.  Surprisingly good for frozen food.  Healthier than I anticipated.  Buttermilk = calci-riffic!  Antioxidants are… good, I’m pretty sure?  Keeping the system, uh, well, you know.  “Running smoothly.”  Yeah.
Cons: All baby and no sleep makes Drew go crazy. Not especially light.  Having to decide if it’s worth swapping calcium for antioxidants and chocolate chips.  (Yes.)  Knowing that maple syrup eliminates any pretense of “healthiness.”  Toddler eating habits.