Tag: Frozen Food

REVIEW: California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Frozen Personal Pizza

Marvo 7 Comments

California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Crispy Thin Crust

The Hawaiian pizza sounds like the result of a love story that happened in the 19th century between an Italian explorer and a Hawaiian princess who couldn’t be together due to her family’s disapproval, but before heading out to sea to return to his home country, the Italian explorer showed his love for her and how he would remember her forever by baking a pizza that combined Italian ingredients (cheese, sauce, and ham) with a local Hawaiian ingredient (pineapples) for their last meal together.

But, alas, that’s not how the Hawaiian pizza was invented. Instead, it was created in 1962 by a couple of canucks in Ontario.

It may be called the Hawaiian pizza, but, to be honest, most Hawaii residents don’t order it even though it’s offered by the major pizza chains and a few local restaurants. I guess we find the idea of having pineapples on pizza as disgusting as most of the country. I know it might be disappointing to hear that people from Hawaii don’t like the Hawaiian pizza, but you can just included that on your list of things you didn’t know about Hawaii…and here’s more.

No one lives in grass huts. The state motto is Ua Mau ke Ea o ka ʻĀina i ka Pono, which means, “The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.” The Victoria’s Secret store in Hawaii doesn’t sell coconut bras. It does snow in Hawaii. Hawaii residents don’t drink Mai Tais. The beach water in Waikiki is warm because of all the tourist kids who pee in it.

Okay, that last one isn’t true.

But, as for most Hawaii residents not eating Hawaiian pizzas, that’s true. Although, I did eat the California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe personal pizza for this review. Also, there were a couple of times at a Pizza Hut buffet that I had to eat their Hawaiian pizza because they were all out of the others.

California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Crispy Thin Crust Before

The California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe personal pizza is made up of a crispy thin crust, tomato sauce, reduced fat mozzarella cheese, hickory smoked ham, and, of course, pineapple.

The packaging looks like a mini version of their larger frozen pizzas, which is probably a cheerful upgrade from the old packinging for these personal CPK pizzas when they were called “California Pizza Kitchen Pizza For One.” The older boxes had emblazoned on the front, in a large font, “For One,” which I imagine was depressing for some single people, and for others, a way to let people know they were available.

California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Crispy Thin Crust After

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had Hawaiian pizza in the past. However, I should mention that I don’t find them utterly disgusting. I just think they’re a little weird because of the use of pineapples, but overall they’re decent tasting. With that said, I thought the flavor of the California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe personal pizza was disappointing for a Hawaiian pizza. While the pineapples are definitely noticeable, even though I didn’t have many chunks on the pizza I bought, the other ingredients fell flat. The sauce and cheese were bland, and the ham didn’t provide much flavor to compliment the pineapples. But the crust did end up crispy, thanks to the included cooking tray.

Yay! Cooking tray!

If for some strange reason you really like Hawaiian pizzas, I’d stay away from the California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Frozen Personal Pizza because you’ll probably be disappointed. But if you’re single, putting it in your shopping basket will let everyone know you’re available.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pizza – 370 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 720 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 19 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 8% vitamin C, and 8% iron.)

Item: California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Frozen Personal Pizza
Price: $3.99
Size: 6.2 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable pineapple flavor. Crust was crispy. Good source of calcium. Good way to let people know you’re available.
Cons: Trans fat. Bland cheese and sauce. Ham lacked any flavor. Not a lot of pineapple chunks. Ending up in a particularly warm section of water at a beach. Bad way to let people know you’re lonely. Hawaiian pizza not the result of forbidden love. Wearing a coconut bra.

REVIEW: Amy’s Light & Lean (Soft Taco Fiesta and Pasta & Veggie)

Stephanie 6 Comments

Amy's Light & Lean (Soft Taco Fiesta and Pasta & Veggies)

January needs to be re-named “National Feel-Bad-About-What-You’ve-Done-To-Your-Body-The-Past-90-Days Month.” With all the commercials for Zumba, The Lap-Band, free gym membership trials, and conveniently-placed banner ads referring you to the “Top 10 Best Ways to Bust Your Booty,” it’s a wonder we don’t all suddenly gain 120 pounds from guilt and start rolling ourselves down the street to work each day. Why do we engage in this bizarre ritual of kidding ourselves every year when all anyone wants to do is eat yummy food and feel convinced that if they ran into Tom Hardy on the way to the Laundromat with their filthy socks and scads of unmentionables piled in a basket and their baggy, faded sweatpants on, he’d still give them the sexy-eye because daaaamn, they look good?

To combat the inevitable struggle of many of those hoping to shed pounds, the Amy’s team has done a pretty great job here, translating these normally fattening foods into the language of diet organic cuisine. Filling out the roster of new items: Spinach Lasagna, Black Bean & Cheese Enchilada, Pasta & Veggies, and Soft Taco Fiesta.

Amy's Light & Lean Soft Taco Fiesta Bowl

I went for the Soft Taco Fiesta first because I’d just bought a piñata and needed a reason to bust it open. No, I’m lying. I didn’t need a reason.

The colors used for the soft taco’s packaging are pretty muted for something that’s supposed to evoke a wild food party. The design is more circa 1990 Southwest Adobe-style retiree living room, and I felt more like taking a siesta than having a fiesta. WOCKA-WOCKA-WOCKA! No? Go to hell.

I have to say that once cooked, the contents of the bowl look pretty N-to-the-Asty. But, you see, this soft taco contraption is more like a taco pie without the crust than a street taco. The corn tortilla is layered between a mound of mild salsa with black beans and cheese and a bed of nicely-seasoned brown rice, corn, and vegetables. As a result, the tortilla isn’t necessarily firm, but it could be a lot worse. It doesn’t disintegrate under the weight of the sauce and seasonings. The ranchero salsa flavor is spicy, but not overpowering, and mingles nicely with the tomatillo blend. The result is a dish that has plenty of flavor and barely any of the sogginess one comes to expect from nuked Mexican food.

Amy's Light & Lean Pasta & Veggies Bowl

The Pasta & Veggies bowl is another convincing re-design of a popular ethnic food – thick, hearty sauce and grated parmesan cheese accompany a pretty filling bowl of rotini, crunchy asparagus, broccoli florets, and shallots, for fewer calories. Similar to the somewhat-robust tortilla in the Fiesta bowl, the noodles retain a nice texture and come out, as the Italians say, al dente. That’s right. I just got all Rosetta Stone on that azz. Another plus: there doesn’t appear to be any excess water at the bottom of the bowl after cooking, which tends to happen a lot with frozen pasta meals.

The ultra-literal name isn’t really something I can get behind, since it’s clearly pasta marinara in there… but, hey, if slapping the word “Veggies” on the box in order to align with the company mission statement – creating healthy, organic, vegetarian meals by any means necessary or something like that – helps you sleep at night, then go for it, Amy’s.

Though it also suffers from the same yawn-worthy pastel color scheme that turned my awesome personal taco party into a sober and mature taco observance, the Pasta & Veggie bowl’s flavor is kick-ass. I was shocked – SHOCKED to actually taste the parmesan cheese. So many of these so-called “diet” items really skimp on important accents such as cheese, but the Pasta & Veggies meal delivered. It tasted like the real thing, not some limp, flavorless imitation.

If National Freak-Out Month (January) is gonna be tough for you because you inhaled a metric shit-ton of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and mini Snickers bars in October, followed by plates and plates of cornbread stuffing and mashed potatoes coated in gravy in November, and then topped it all off with frosted Snowman cookies, latkes and gallons of egg nog in December, don’t throw yourself under the Little Debbie snack cake delivery truck just yet. There is hope, little plump one. Delicious hope.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl/227 grams – Soft Taco Fiesta – 220 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 560 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 7 grams of protein. Pasta & Veggies – 210 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 470 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Amy’s Light & Lean (Soft Taco Fiesta and Pasta & Veggie)
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Soft Taco Fiesta)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Pasta & Veggie Bowl)
Pros: Tastes like the real thing. Tom Hardy. Low-fat/low-cal. Piñatas. Fozzie Bear.
Cons: Looking like a hot mess on laundry day. “Veggie.” Grandma’s condo in Santa Fe. The Lap Band.

REVIEW: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal

Marvo 8 Comments

Romano's Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal

Where was the Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal when I wanted to create the illusion that I had some culinary skills so I could impress a woman?

Instead, I had to plate a Stouffer’s lasagna in a way that made it look like it wasn’t a Stouffer’s lasagna.

I also had to make my kitchen look like I did some actual cooking in it by having a dish rack full of items I would use if I had made the lasagna, an empty lasagna noodle box in the trash, a slightly warm oven, a half used block of mozzarella cheese in the fridge and a few tomato sauce spots on my kitchen counter that I “missed” while cleaning up.

Heck, I had to buy a casserole dish so I could plop the Stouffer’s lasagna into it. On top of that, in an attempt to gain pity points, I cut myself with a knife on purpose to make it appear like I injured myself while cooking. Who knew pretending to make a lasagna would be as hard as making a lasagna?

But, sadly, all that effort didn’t even get me to first base with her. I might as well have taken her to Chuck E. Cheese, because it would’ve gotten the same result, but at least I would’ve had the opportunity to play in a pit of balls. Maybe I didn’t get to first base because she knew it was a Stouffer’s lasagna. Or maybe my yawn/stretch/wrap my arm around her technique was creepy because my hand accidentally landed on her boob.

Oh wait, I just realized I got to second base with her. YES! I can now add this to my sexual conquests diary.

While I never saw her again and never heard from her after leaving a message on her voice mail every day for a month, perhaps I can accidentally get to third base with next woman if I pretend to make the Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal from scratch.

Romano's Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal Prepared

The bagged meal is made up of grilled white meat chicken and spinach with farfalle pasta tossed in a creamy parmesan cheese and garlic sauce. What’s farfalle pasta? It’s one of my trump cards to impress her.

I’ll keep calling it farfalle pasta, until she asks me what it is. Then I’ll say, “Oh, silly me. I thought you knew what farfalle was, because you look like a sophisticated woman. We in the culinary world call it farfalle, but normal people call it bowtie pasta.”

Aw yeah, droppin’ knowledge equals droppin’ panties.

I’ve tried a number of frozen meals for two and almost all of them tend to have small servings, but this Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal makes two ample servings. Preparing it involves stirring the contents of the package in a non-stick skillet with 1/3 cup of milk.

The result is a creamy, tasty dish that makes me appear to have skills in the kitchen. The farfalle pasta came out perfect, the sauce had the right amount of garlic flavor and the spinach provided color to the dish and iron, but the chicken turned out a little dry.

The Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal turned out quite well, which gives me hope that, with my fraudulent culinary skills, I can impress the next woman who begrudgingly agrees to have dinner with me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package/340 grams (prepared) – 560 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1270 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 40 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 4% vitamin C, 45% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal
Price: $7.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty frozen meal. Ample servings. Creamy sauce. Pasta came out perfect. Getting a woman to have dinner with me. Easy to make. Getting to first, second or third base. Good source of calcium and vitamin A. Awesome source of protein.
Cons: Chicken turned out a little dry. Great source of sodium and saturated fat. Impressing women with fake culinary skills. Not getting a call back after leaving a voice mail message every day for a month.

REVIEW: Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs

Marvo 11 Comments

Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs

The Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs look like trailer trash cuisine that involved snapping into a Slim Jim and then snapping into the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Other Savorings flavors sound a lot classier, like artichoke and spinach, cream cheese and jalapeno, and cheese and spinach. With those high quality varieties, I didn’t think Pillsbury would attempt to make an upscaled version of pigs in a blanket and take the Savorings line down to the level of Boy Scout meeting grub.

Just look at the Pillsbury Doughboy on the front of the box smiling like he’s offering us the greatest Canadian microwaveable product of all time. How can he be smiling? He’s offering us something he wouldn’t eat himself, because doing so would be cannibalism to him.

You know who shouldn’t be smiling? People who buy the Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs and Canadians. Why Canadians? Because, as Cybele from Candy Blog pointed out after I posted the photo above on Flickr, if it’s from Canada, shouldn’t it be spelled Savourings?

A box of this Savorings variety contains ten pieces which are made up of “soft pastry wrapped around a miniature smoky sausage.” The pieces are small, so if you’re planning to take some to a Boy Scout meeting, you should buy several boxes, unless you’re bringing the snack to one of the world’s smallest Boy Scout troops, which consist of just two fervent preteens who will become Eagle Scouts before they even kiss a girl.

Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs 2

To prepare a serving, place five pieces on a plate as if they’re the points to create the Star of Sodium and Saturated Fat, and then microwave for one minute. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MICROWAVE JUST ONE UNLESS YOU WISH TO TURN THE SAUSAGE INTO ASH AND HAVE YOUR MICROWAVE SMELL LIKE CARNAGE FOR SEVERAL DAYS, OR IF YOU WISH TO WIPE THAT SMILE OFF THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’S FACE.

WHEN I PREPARED…OH WAIT, I’M SORRY. When I prepared them properly, the pastry wasn’t very soft, was awfully dry and bland tasting. Also, the mini pork, chicken and beef sausages were a bit too salty and had me yearning for the unnatural red color and normal saltiness of hot dogs.

If you’re trying to convince Boy Scouts or anyone else into thinking you made them fresh, you won’t. Although if you’re willing to admit you really suck at cooking, because Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs aren’t very good, you might get away with it. But either way, you’ll be breaking the trustworthiness part of the Scout Law.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces/85 grams – 290 calories, 150 calories of fat, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 1000 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein and 8% iron.)

*made with partially hydrogenated soybean oil

Item: Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs
Price: $4.29
Size: 10 dogs
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Quick to prepare. Hot dogs. Other Savorings flavors. Pigs in a blanket. Watching the Pillsbury Doughboy eat bread.
Cons: Dough came out not soft, dry and bland. Sausage was a bit too salty. Excellent source of sodium and saturated fat. Contains only two servings. Sausage looks like Slim Jim pieces. Can’t microwave in smaller amounts than what’s in the instructions. Becoming Eagle Scout before kissing a girl.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes

Marvo 17 Comments

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes

Imagine a world without Cinnabon.

Walking through the malls of America would be less odoriferous. There wouldn’t be anything sweet to cleanse the nasal palate with to get rid of the old person smell wafting from Sears, the youthful scents seeping out of Abercrombie & Fitch, the testosterone pouring out of GNC and the smell of death coming from Radio Shack.

A world without Cinnabon would also be a world without the recent influx of Cinnabon-branded products, like Cinnabon Snack Bars, Cinnabon Cereal, Cinnabon Lip Balm and these Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes.

Oh, what a world that would be!

If you’re expecting these Cinnabon-branded pancakes to taste anything close to Cinnabon’s shopping mall-famous cinnamon rolls, you will be disappointed, like I am whenever I’m told I can’t sit on Santa’s lap at the mall because “I’m a grown man” or because “It looks like I have crabs because I scratch myself in the neither region too much.”

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Naked

While there’s cinnamon baked into each four-inch pancake and spots of white frosting injected into the breakfast disk, they do nothing to make it taste like the cloyingly sweet cinnamon rolls. The cinnamon, which isn’t Cinnabon’s Makara Cinnamon, is noticeable and allows the pancake to be eaten without syrup. But when syrup is added, the cinnamon is easily covered up. As for the frosting, it was like a stripper on stage; I could see it, but couldn’t taste it.

Even though I’m not impressed with the Original Cinnabon Pancakes, I did come up with a way to make them better — turn them into breakfast sandwich buns, a la McGriddles.

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Taco

However, I couldn’t find at my local Safeway a large breakfast sausage patty that would fit nicely in between two of these pancakes. I thought about asking a stock clerk for help, but they were all men and I thought it would be weird asking them if they had bigger sausages.

So instead I bought smaller breakfast patties, microwaved them, cut them in half, tessellated the halves on top of a microwaved pancake and then folded the pancake over to create a breakfast taco that had the right balance of sweet and salty.

Yeah! Suck it, Bobby Flay! The secret ingredient iz deez nutz!

I’m sorry about that unnecessary outburst. I’m just surprised I came up with a breakfast dish that’s slightly more complicated than my last great breakfast idea, which just involved mixing Cocoa Puffs with Cocoa Pebbles and pouring chocolate soy milk over it. And it’s been awhile since I’ve used the phrase “deez nutz” in a review.

Overall, the Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes were mediocre frozen pancakes. The cinnamon flavor was decent, but I really wish I could taste the frosting that was also injected into it. They’re also quite thin, making them easy to cut through and to fold over to create a pancake taco shell, but not really filling for a grown man.

They almost make me wish for a world without Cinnabon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pancakes – 270 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 28 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 12 pancakes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable cinnamon flavor. Can be prepared in either the microwave or oven. Makes an great breakfast sandwich bun or breakfast taco shell. Contains eight vitamins and minerals. A world without Cinnabon.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like anything from Cinnabon. Injected frosting isn’t noticeable. The term “injected frosting.” Too thin to be satisfying for a grown man. A grown man not being able to sit on Santa’s lap. Syrup kills cinnamon flavor. A world without Cinnabon.