Tag: Frozen Food

REVIEW: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles

Marvo 11 Comments

MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles does the opposite of what the cafeteria workers at my old elementary school did with lasagna. Instead of chopping vegetables, like carrots and celery, into tiny pieces in order to trick us into eating veggies, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna has decent-sized chunks of vegetables dumped right on top. They let me know I’m getting vegetables whether I like it or not.

I’m no longer the chubby fourth grader who avoided vegetables anyway I could. I’m now the chubby college graduate who eats vegetables because my doctor told me to or else I’m going to die. So I don’t mind this veggie lasagna having a heaping pile of vegetables on top, which consists of carrots, onions, red bell peppers, red onions and kale.

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna is one of two products, the other being their Sweet & Sour Chik’n meal, that the company has introduced to dip their toes in the vast pond of microwaveable frozen meals. If you’ve seen how immense the microwaveable frozen meal aisle is, you know their toes will get pulled under and lost somewhere within the Lean Cuisine Sea or Healthy Choice Ocean.

MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles 2

Like a multistoried Banana Republic, this veggie lasagna has something different on each level. The ground floor has a zesty marinara sauce mixed with an Italian sausage-like veggie crumble, the next floor up contains an unnaturally bright white ricotta cheese, the top floor has the previously mentioned vegetables mixed with more marinara sauce and everything is roofed with mozzarella cheese.

I had high expectations for the MorningStar Farms Lasagna because I enjoy many of MorningStar Farms products. But I should’ve had the same expectations anyone should have when meeting someone in person from their local Craigslist — low, ready to dump at a moment’s notice or be prepared to spray with pepper. The noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked, the vegetables added a crunchy texture, and the zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Also, the Italian sausage-like veggie crumble wasn’t noticeable in the lasagna. I was hoping for a spicier flavor, but instead got something that wasn’t very Italian, like Jersey Shore’s Snooki and JWoww.

Overall, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles was disappointing and if I have to recommend a frozen microwaveable lasagna entree that uses fake meat, I’d suggest the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna…if you can find it somewhere in the middle of Banquet Bay or the Gulf of Hungry-Man.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 270 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 25% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles
Price: $5.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Veggies added crunch. Wide variety of veggies. Better for you than microwaveable lasagna entrees that use real meat. Somewhat filling. High in protein. Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna.
Cons: Expensive. Bland. Disappointing. Zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked. Sausage style crumble didn’t have flavor. Ricotta cheese was unusually bright white. Jersey Shore.

REVIEW: Kashi Caribbean Carnival Pizza

Stacey 17 Comments

You know that expression: “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time?” Well, Kashi should just stop making pizzas, because they are pleasing none of the people none of the time. Seriously, I really wanted to like this pizza. I’m normally a fan of everything Kashi – their frozen meals, crackers, granola bars, cereals, etcetera, etcetera. But in the past I have been let down by Kashi pizzas. Yet, I decided to give them one more chance to make amends when I saw the new delicious-sounding “Caribbean Carnival” Kashi pizza.

Spoiler alert: While I expected Kashi’s “Caribbean Carnival” pizza to invoke delightful imagery like friendly anthropomorphic parrots and jovial dark-skinned men wearing brightly colored beads in their hair; this pizza was neither “Caribbean” nor a carnival in my mouth. (Discuss!) Being a healthful eater, I normally resent when others disparage health food as tasting like cardboard – however, tasting like wonderful, delicious cardboard would probably be a lofty goal for this pizza.

Its promise of plantains, kale, fire-roasted red onions, mangoes and a “sweet and spicy Guava-infused jerk seasoned sauce” yielded a smattering of toppings lumped all in one corner of the pizza, which I meticulously picked apart and spread about before putting the pizza in the oven. Below all of that was some of the nastiest pizza crust known to mankind. I would like to know what think tank thought it would be a good idea to make a pizza crust out of ingredients like buckwheat and brown rice. Poor Antonio Pizzarelli, the inventor of the pizza pie*, would be spinning in his grave if he only knew. Normally the crust is one of my favorite parts of the pizza, and I couldn’t even get it down. Even the dog gave me the stinkface when I tried to pass it off, as if to say, “I’ll eat this because it’s technically contraband people food; but only begrudgingly so.”

The “toppings” provided little relief to the gritty taste bud-assault that was the crust. The pizza was covered mostly in kale and diced tomatoes, and I think I saw a few specs of yellow that was supposed to be mango. The best part of the pizza was undoubtedly the plantains — as I have expressed my enthusiasm for Kashi products featuring plantains in the past. But unfortunately the pizza only contained four slices of plantains and two bits of something that were probably the bodily remains of brave, fallen plantains who likely fought to the death against being put on this terrible pizza. And as for this alleged sweet and spicy Guava-infused jerk sauce…Well, I did detect some kind of flavor between the cheese and the crust, but I don’t think it tasted so much like jerk sauce as it did like “a funk.”

What separates Kashi’s Caribbean Carnival Pizza from your garden variety “fail” to an “epic fail,” is that it’s not even particularly healthy. One pizza, which is a reasonable-sized meal for most people, clocks in at over 800 whopping calories. You could probably eat two slices of real pizza for that and not feel let down like a kid who gets socks for Christmas.

* Look it up!

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza (120 grams) – 280 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein and 10% iron.)

Item: Kashi Caribbean Carnival Pizza
Price: $6.99 [sale price, reg. $7.99]
Size: 12.7 ounces
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The bites with plantain on them were almost not terrible. Pleasing all of the people all of the time. Friendly anthropomorphic parrots.
Cons: Pizza crust tasted like puppies crying. No mango. Not enough plantains. Eating this instead of real pizza. Horrible taste plus not great nutritional value plus outlandish price like getting raped in three orifices. Getting socks for Christmas.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers

Marvo 18 Comments

Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers

Like Lucky Charms marshmallows, bongs and Kardashian sisters, Hot Pockets come in an array of shapes.

There’s the regular rectangular Hot Pocket, the triangular Panini Hot Pocket, the circular Deep Dish Pizzeria Hot Pocket and you can now add the strapless bra-shaped Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers.

Unlike most Hot Pockets, these SideShots don’t involve a crisping sleeve. But just like all Hot Pockets, utensils aren’t necessary and they make me say to myself, “What wrong turn have I taken in my life that has led me to eating Hot Pockets?”

The Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers are made up of bits of seasoned ground beef, cubes of cheese and some kind of sauce enclosed in a soft bun. They come attached in pairs, hence the strapless bra shape, and each pair is as long as a normal rectangular Hot Pocket.

While warming up a pair in the microwave for the recommended time of 1 minute 45 seconds, they made my apartment smell like a bakery, something no other Hot Pocket has ever accomplished. I took that as a sign of good things to come.

Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers Innards

The buns turned out surprisingly well for something that came out of a microwave oven. They were mostly soft and only a little chewy. But what was even more astonishing to me was that they tasted just like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger (or McDouble) — pickles and all.

While the Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers do taste great, I didn’t think they were very filling and, at three dollars a box, they seem kind of pricey since one can get three heartier McDoubles for the same price. But then again, I guess they shouldn’t be as hearty since I consider consumption of a Hot Pocket as settling for something less than the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 buns – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 20% thiamine, 10% vitamin B12, 20% folic acid, 15% iron, 15% riboflavin, 15% niacin and 10% phosphorus.)

Item: Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers
Price: $3.00
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger — pickles and all. Buns came out surprisingly well. No trans fat. Contains vitamins and minerals. Made my apartment smell like a bakery. Shaped like a strapless bra.
Cons: Not very filling. Kind of pricey. Taking a wrong turn in your life, which leads you to eating a Hot Pocket. Shaped like a strapless bra.

REVIEW: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

Marvo 17 Comments

Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

I wonder if Chinese people are ashamed when they eat at Panda Express because it’s a bastardized version of real Chinese food. I know I would be if I ate at a Japanese fast food restaurant called Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

Whenever I walk into a Panda Express, I like to look at the faces of the Chinese people in the restaurant to see if they feel any shame. No, not the people working behind the counter and the gigantic woks because they shouldn’t feel shame since they have the power to mess with our food.

I look at the faces of the Chinese people who are ordering the Kung Pao Chicken, Beijing Beef and Orange Chicken to see if they grimace, close their eyes with disgust, or say under their breath “I’m sorry” to their dead ancestors who cooked real Chinese food. Unfortunately, I have yet to see shame from a Chinese person in a Panda Express. Perhaps they’re really good at hiding it when in public.

If you’re a Chinese person and enjoy Panda Express, but are ashamed when eating it, you can now have bastardized Chinese food that can be prepared in the comfort and privacy of your home with the Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal. You’ll still feel shame, except you probably won’t have to hide it, unless you have an elderly Chinese person living in your household.

The bagged Wanchai Ferry meal is made up of battered white meat chicken, pineapples, sugar snap peas, red peppers and jasmine rice in a sweet and sour sauce. I was hoping it would be easy to make, but preparing it is just like recovery from alcohol and drug addiction because there are a lot of steps. I’d list everything I needed to do before I was able to eat it, but if I did you would be cursing me after because during that same amount of time you could’ve easily driven to a Panda Express, picked up food and driven back. All I’m going to say is that it involves a lot of skillet work, microwaving a bag of rice and the ability to read.

The Sweet & Sour Chicken tasted like something I would wait in line at Panda Express for. The sweet and sour sauce was tasty, although a bit too thick. The vegetables and pineapples were limp, but I expected that since they were frozen, and they did provide a bit more flavor, especially the pineapples. The jasmine rice was cooked perfectly. As for the chicken, I hoped there would’ve been more and despite being pan fried to be heated, their breaded coating didn’t become crispy.

The Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Meal is meant for two, but I felt the serving sizes were a bit small. They were small enough that I feel ashamed of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package prepared – 590 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 87 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal
Price: $6.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and sour sauce was tasty. No trans fats. Lots of vegetables and pineapples. Allows Chinese people, and everyone else, to prepare bastardized Chinese food in the privacy of their own home. Panda Express.
Cons: Chicken wasn’t crispy and there wasn’t a lot of it. Veggies and fruits were limp. Lots of step to prepare it. Took me longer than the 14 minutes the packaging said it would take me to prepare it. Contains no MSG, except that which naturally occurs in autolyzed yeast extract, which means it has MSG. The shame I would have from eating at Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

REVIEW: Amy’s Ravioli Bowls

Kayla 13 Comments

Nothing beats a home cooked Italian meal. The smell of the sauce simmering, the perfectly cooked al dente pasta and enough garlic to keep a Hot Topic-clad Twilight vampire poser at bay is certainly a premature foodgasm waiting to happen.

When I’m in Philadelphia and away from my mommy (yes, I still call her mommy) and I’ve devoured all of the frozen casseroles of freshly made eggplant and chicken parmesan she so graciously made for me, I pretty much throw myself to the wolves. When I say “wolves” I mean the crazy people that stroll through the aisles at Whole Foods.

I don’t hate Whole Foods; I just don’t like dodging the swarms of hybrid vehicles in the parking lot. Yes, I applaud you for driving an eco-friendly car, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to drive like a total douche. (Side Note: I have yet to see a Hummer at a Whole Foods. I guess they’re too scared to go there because their precious road beast will get pelted with organic, hormone-free eggs.) Despite the high probability of being hit by a Prius, I do head over to Whole Foods because they have the biggest selection of Amy’s Organic frozen meals.

Amy’s always comes out with some great frozen meals that don’t have me questioning my sexual identity when I’m eating one, unlike when I consume Hungry Man dinners. These organic pasta pillows filled with ricotta are really freakin’ good. The sauce, which is made from organic tomatoes, was plentiful and wasn’t too acidic, nor was it really sweet. They reminded me of ravioli that you would order at — dare I say it — Olive Garden. I added a bit of grated Parmesan cheese to the top, but it really didn’t need it since the sauce and ravioli are so damn tasty.

Although Amy’s may appear healthy, since many people associate the word “organic” with something that’s good for them, this is most definitely not health food. If you compare it with a deep fried cheesesteak, then yeah it looks healthy. There is a lot of fat packed in this little bowl; 12 grams of it to be exact (4.5 grams of saturated fat) and it felt like lead in my stomach a minute after I inhaled this meal. Although that could be from not eating anything all day and scarfing down my dinner, so individual results may vary.

It’s really worth the price tag even though you can live off of Banquet Meals for at least four or five days for the same price of one Amy’s Organic Ravioli Bowl. I’m saying “live” loosely here, because I think your quality of life after a few days of feasting from the Red Box of Death might be affected. But in all fairness, if you decide to go all out and splurge and eat Amy’s Organic Ravioli Bowls every day your vital organs will not be thanking you.

However, your taste buds might.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 380 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium, 20% vitamin C and 15% iron.)

Item: Amy’s Ravioli Bowls
Price: $4.39
Size: 1 bowl
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Excellent quality for a frozen meal. Ravioli are a good size. Organic. Home cooked Italian meals. The free glass of wine at the Olive Garden. Foodgasming.
Cons: Not health food. Douchey hybrid car drivers. Expensive for the size. Living off of Banquet frozen dinners. No Hungry Woman available yet. Premature foodgasming.