Tag: Frozen Food

REVIEW: Bertolli Chicken Parmigiana & Penne Oven Bake Meals

Marvo 11 Comments

Sometimes I enjoy kickin’ it old school.

Instead of using the couch potato convenience of a remote control, I’ll occasionally walk up to the TV to change the channel or mess with the volume. Once in a while, when I want to kick it Stephen J. Cannell-style I’ll bust out the typewriter and Wite-Out to write a review, and then bob my head to the click-clack of the keys as I type with only my pointer fingers.

Every so often, I get a thrill out of the pre-heating, moving of wire racks, and the orange glow of the heating elements of a conventional oven, because sometimes I don’t want to deal with the rotating plate, LCD digits, and radiation of a microwave oven, and because I can’t build a fire in the middle of my apartment when I want to kick it REALLY old school. It’s been awhile since I fired up my conventional oven, so I was glad to try the Bertolli Chicken Parmigiana & Penne Oven Bake Meal.

The frozen dish is made up of breaded white meat chicken breast cutlets with penne pasta in a tomato-herb sauce and a pouch of cheese. Creating the meal, which is either meant as a meal for two people or two meals for someone who has more than a dozen cats, is extremely easy since it only consists of six steps:

1) Pour contents of bag into a baking dish.
2) Cover baking dish with aluminum foil.
3) Bake in conventional oven for 45 minutes.
4) Pull out dish and remove foil.
5) Sprinkle cheese on top.
6) Bake for five minutes more.

The packaging claims it has a restaurant taste and I’ve experienced the chain restaurant goodness that is Romano’s Macaroni Grill and Buca di Beppo so many times that I feel confident in saying that it doesn’t have a chain restaurant taste. The chicken was moist and the penne pasta was cooked well, but the sauce wasn’t as savory as I hoped. Another disappointment was the disproportional sizes of the two chicken pieces in the bag I bought, one of which was the size of a Chicken McNugget and the other was about three times larger. I’m pretty sure I was just unlucky with the bag I bought, but even the bigger piece of chicken seemed kind of small.

In the end, I wish the Bertolli Chicken Parmigiana & Penne Oven Bake Meal kicked it old school and put on some bellbottom pants, an afro wig, and a pair of rainbow suspenders. It wouldn’t make it better tasting, but if I were to play some disco music it would be a lot more fun to be around.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package – 500 calories, 26 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 1000 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 35% Vitamin A, 20% Calcium, 20% Vitamin C, 10% Iron, and 10 grams of kickin’ it old school.)

Item: Bertolli Chicken Parmigiana & Penne Oven Bake Meals
Price: FREE (via coupon from PR peeps)
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Convenient. Chicken was moist. No trans fat. Allows me to kick it old school. Typing on a typewriter once in awhile. Being mesmerized by the orange glow of the heating elements in a conventional oven. Smelling Wite-Out.
Cons: Sauce wasn’t very savory. Chicken seemed small. Doesn’t have an Italian restaurant taste. High in sodium. Can’t build a fire in my apartment. People who have more than a dozen cats. Smelling Wite-Out.

Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops

Marvo 21 Comments

Every time I try to eat the Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops, my stomach gets a funny feeling. I don’t feel this way because of how they taste, instead it’s because when I eat one of their Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops, the image of multiple muffin tops jiggle around in my head. When I say “muffin tops,” I’m not talking about the remnants of a baked goodie after a Sylar-like cutting off of its top, I’m talking about the overflow of flesh seen when a tight pair of jeans is wrapped around a body that is a little too big for it.

It would be semi-all right if it were images of women with their guts hanging over the edge of their jeans, but unfortunately it’s mostly images of dudes with the physique of Chris Farley. So you can understand why I have an arduous time trying to eat a set of these mini muffin tops. Not even a variety of toppings or the finest Canadian Maple Syrup could make these go down easier while thinking about male muffin tops that flap around in Baywatch-slow motion.

If I didn’t have images of large male bellies wiggling around in tight jeans in my head, I would probably have to say that these Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops were good. Each set comes with four mini muffin tops, which were each about an inch and half in diameter. It toasted very nicely and it ended up with a slightly crispy outside and fluffy inside. Its taste was very similar to blueberry pancakes, which I do enjoy. However, because they’re convex in shape, most of any topping you put on it tends to roll off and end up on your plate.

So who am I going to blame for preventing me from fully enjoying these Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops? I could blame the fast food industry for making our waist sizes larger. Or I could point my finger at fashion designers who make hip-hugging jeans in sizes they shouldn’t. But I’m going to blame the asshole who came up with the idea for muffin tops because if there weren’t muffin tops to begin with, society would’ve probably named the overflow of fat something else, like mushroom waist or sign of future heart disease.

It’s probably the same douchebag who also invented doughnut holes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 set of 4 – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a variety of vitamins and minerals, and many images of male bellies jiggling in my head.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Carolanne for recommending this product and for filling my head with images of big men in tight jeans.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops
Price: $3.50
Size: 8 sets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Taste like blueberry pancakes. Toasted very nicely, ending up with a slightly crispy outside and fluffy inside. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Images of the male bellies jiggling in my head. People in tight jeans who shouldn’t wear tight jeans. Its shape tends to cause toppings to roll off. The asshole who came up with the idea for muffin tops. No dietary fiber.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Philly Steak and Cheese Croissant

Ace 19 Comments

If Hot Pockets were a movie franchise, it would probably be Batman. Like Batman, the Hot Pocket has a crusty exterior but a center that burns hotter than a thousand blazing suns. Anyone who’s ever scorched their taste buds on a Pocket after not waiting the recommended minute can attest to this. Both franchises bring comfort to lonely nerds everywhere who will always make every new iteration a commercial success. Finally, and perhaps most regretfully, both are marred with tremendous cheesiness in the middle − Hot Pockets with a mysterious processed cheese sauce and Batman with Joel Schumacher.

The mystery sauce is no more, however, as Hot Pockets has finally decided to integrate real cheese into their product. This is definitely one of life’s pleasant surprises, like finding a dollar under your couch or witnessing MILFy Travel Channel host Samantha Brown turn into a filthy slut on her new show. It just goes to show that even simple things that are unexpected can bring pleasure to your life. If they ever decide to make it with real meat, my head would almost certainly explode with joy.

Indeed, the meat is still the same processed “beef steak” that shares textural similarities with silicon foam. To its credit, the flavor is similar enough to real chopped steak to be passable. With the peppers and cheese inside, you won’t really notice the difference. And let’s be honest; when you find yourself enjoying a Hot Pocket, you’ll probably be too drunk to care.

The addition of real cheese is immediately noticeable. The naturally stringy texture is a nice of pace from the typical radioactively bright orange sauces that Hot Pockets typically deploys. The croissant crust is flakier and more flavorful than the regular Hot Pocket crust and can almost make you forget that you’re eating a frozen sandwich product in a cardboard sleeve. Overall, this is one of the best Hot Pockets on the market and one of the few that you shouldn’t be ashamed to eat.

I pray that this is a sign of things to come and that we will never see the Hot Pockets equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze again.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 pocket – 340 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 550mg sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, 10% Iron, 15% Thiamaine, 10% Riboflavin, 8% Vitamin B12, 10% Niacin, 15% Folic Acid, and 10% Phosphorus)

Item: Hot Pockets Philly Steak and Cheese Croissant
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Same flavor as an authentic Philly Cheese Steak. Addition of real cheese makes it taste like something that humans should actually eat. Croissant crust is flaky and flavorful. Samantha Brown acting like a slutty sorority girl.
Cons: Still uses spongy processed meat. Eating something out a cardboard sleeve still feels humiliating. Mr. Freeze.

REVIEW: Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage Minis

Ace 23 Comments

Being a die-hard Celtics fan, I recently had the great pleasure of watching Kobe Bryant lose in historic fashion in the NBA Finals. I never liked Kobe, probably stemming from the time he took pop singer Brandy to his high school prom. It all seemed very insincere. At that moment, I could have sworn that it was a Michael Jackson−Lisa Marie Presley situation where he was covering up his secret disturbing sexuality by dating a woman that he could never really be attracted to. I mean, come on…Moesha? I’m not gay, but I’m pretty certain that I’d rather have sex with her brother Ray J.

Perhaps the best Kobe Bryant-related news I’ve heard all week, however, stems from a club frequented by former teammate and fellow adulterer Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq hates Kobe, not just because he is a sociopathic ball-hog, but because he told the police that Shaq paid off women to keep them quiet about their unsavory trysts. This all led up to TMZ catching juvenile-ly hilarious footage of Shaq in a club commanding Kobe to “tell me how my ass tastes” through the medium of freestyle rap.

I don’t know what Kobe’s response is, though I’m certain that he would somehow manage to fit in “We just have to toughen up on defense,” but I’d imagine that the taste of Shaq’s ass is not dissimilar to Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage Minis. Maybe that’s being a little harsh, but I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to eat these things when there’s a much better version on the market that comes on a stick. My philosophy has always been that things taste better on sticks. Preferably deep fried sticks. Don’t ask me why, it’s just how things are.

Since I bought this box on the eve of my championship celebration, I had high hopes for these bite-sized Minis. Unfortunately for me, nothing ruins my mood faster than crappy and overpriced food. These Minis were soggy, disarmingly sweet, and had the texture of ground rubber. Being a fair reviewer, I then tried a batch in the toaster over.

For my patience, I was rewarded with a saccharine, crispy shell of batter surrounding a fine piece of ground rubber. As you could probably imagine, I quickly grew weary of this mysterious rubber sausage and went to the local Pep Boys to inquire about its recycled value. Alas, as I’m sure Shaq would enjoy hearing Kobe say something about his ass, sometimes things are just better in bigger packages.

(Nutritional Facts – 3 pieces – 260 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 30 mg of cholesterol, 510mg sodium, 19 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, 4% Iron)

Item: Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage Minis
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Small, convenient size for families on the go who don’t care if they enjoy what they’re eating. For the environmentally conscious, sausage may be recyclable. Freestyle rapping about the taste of ass.
Cons: Very small portion for the price that you’re paying. Comes out soggy in the microwave. Extremely sweet for a product that isn’t honey-battered. Sausage tastes like a tire.

REVIEW: Banquet Select Recipe Chicken Parmesan

Ace 23 Comments

Banquet holds a special place in my heart, and not just in the cholesterol-filled regions either. For as long as I can remember, Banquet has been cranking out meals that rarely go above the rate of one dollar. Even as gas prices have risen to the point where I regularly consider skipping important things like school and frat parties just to save a little scratch, I know I can find a cheap frozen meal that will do a decent job of filling me up.

With the introduction of their Select Recipe line of meals, Banquet is looking to be more than just stop-gap chow for broke people. They are now looking to compete with brands like Marie Calendar’s in terms of flavor and heartiness. While they don’t exactly succeed, they would earn themselves a trophy if the frozen food market was like one of those self-esteem boosting little leagues for weenies.

Select Recipes differ from other Banquet meals because they offer up more vegetables and generally more “gourmet” ingredients such as white meat chicken in this Chicken Parmesan selection. The chicken is still emulsified and processed to the depths of Hell, yes, but it is white meat nonetheless. The result is a slightly inflated price of $1.50 per box, which is still cheaper than anything the government should legally allow you to eat as a meal.

Predictably, the broccoli turns into green mush once it touches your teeth. Those spoiled by those fancy steam-cooked microwave vegetables will be sorely disappointed. You can salvage it by smothering it with cheese whiz, but I doubt you’ll feel good about yourself afterwards.

The chicken, however, surprised me by not becoming too soggy even after being cooked on top of the sauce and penne pasta. It actually had a decent amount of flavor despite without tasting too salty. Pasta often turns into a gummy paste after being nuked in the microwave, but it managed to stay reasonably firm and completed the surprisingly edible meal. Cheapskates, heed my call: you may miss your fifty cents now, but even the grimiest of all hobos would laugh at your stinginess if you didn’t give these meals a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 meal – 350 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 870mg sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 8 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 30% Vitamin C, 15% Calcium, 15% Iron, 10% Vitamin E, 15% Thiamine, 15% Riboflavin, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Folic Acid, 30% Phosphorus, and 10% Magnesium)

Item: Banquet Select Recipe Chicken Parmesan
Price: $1.50
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A decent serving of vegetables to help curb your malnourishment. Chicken and pasta maintain a nice texture even after being microwaved. Now made with white meat chicken.
Cons: Chicken is still processed. Broccoli is way overcooked and soft. 50% more expensive than the regular meals. Letting gas prices control your life.