Tag: Frozen Food

REVIEW: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes

Marvo 38 Comments

When all the other men on the face of the Earth disappear and I am the last man on the planet, women will have to come over to my place to keep the human race going. When the ladies come over for some sweet, sweet lovin’, I like to give them a night to forget, full of my crying a night to remember, full of pleasure, and if they’re into it, a little pain.

If they don’t run away sleep over, I can also give them a morning to remember with a little surprise.

Herpes. Breakfast.

After a night of drunken “I totally don’t know your name” sex passionate lovemaking, she’ll probably need breakfast to realize that I’m not as handsome in daylight as I am under a strobelight reenergize herself so that she can get through the day. After all, breakfast is her chance to escape the most important meal of the day.

Sure, I could just pour her a bowl of Froot Loops Raisin Bran with chocolate milk skim milk, but I want to show her that I’m not cheap I had a wonderful time last night and I hope the leopard print fuzzy handcuffs didn’t freak her out it was wonderful for her as well.

Instead, I would warm up pizza from the other night cook her a breakfast, that consists of eggs, bacon, and some potatoes.

I like cooking breakfast because it is the only time I get to wear my “Kiss the Cook….Down There” apron is one of the easiest and quickest meals to make. On several occasion, I’ve cooked breakfast for dinner because it’s the only thing I know how to cook it’s so easy to do.

Look at that picture of breakfast-sy goodness on the right, ladies. You can expect that in the morning if you happened to be tricked by me to come to my place to see my Ansel Adams photo collection that doesn’t exist come over and spend the night.

The eggs and bacon take only minutes to make, but the potatoes can be a totally different story. Sure I could just stick some day-old potato wedges from KFC in the microwave and say I slaved over a stove to make them. Sure I could cut up some red potatoes into wedges, dip them in egg whites, sprinkle paprika over them, and stick them in the oven for 30 minutes at 450 degrees, but I wouldn’t want the mother of my possible future illegitimate children caused by an expired broken condom beautiful woman in my bed to wait.

Thank goodness for these frozen Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes. Using the crisp and serve tray made out of the box, they take four short minutes to heat up in the microwave, which is the same amount of time I would last during a sweet, sweet lovemaking session it would take me to cook the eggs and bacon to go along with it. The result of those four minutes are some decently crispy potatoes, but not extra crispy like the box says, which is as disappointing as my performance in the bedroom the Detroit Tigers in the 2006 World Series.

The Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes taste pretty good for something that came out of the microwave. I noticed a slight peppery taste to them, which I’m sure a lady friend who slept over would like because it will help get the taste of me out of her mouth she won’t need to reach for the salt or pepper.

When they’re on sale for $1.25 a box, they’re cheap enough to stock up on, which will come in handy when some woman stays over after giving me pity sex another lady friend comes over.

Item: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes
Price: $1.25 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good for something that came out of a microwave. Quick to make. The crisp and serve tray. Crispy, but not extra crispy. Enough for two people. Making breakfast for a lady friend. My “Kiss the Cook…Down There” apron.
Cons: 1.5 grams of trans fat per serving. Herpes. My short performances in the bedroom. Illegitimate children caused by an expired broken condom. Tricking women to come over. Making sweet, sweet love with me.

REVIEW: Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna

Marvo 33 Comments

Have your parents ever tricked you to eat something you didn’t like?

Mine did and that something was liver.

On that fateful day, I knew something was up because I could smell the stench of deceit from my room. It smelled like rotting meat.

I asked my parents what they were cooking for dinner. They told me it was steak. I knew it wasn’t. They told me to eat it. I didn’t want to. They continued to tell me it was steak. I still didn’t believe them. They told me they cooked the steak a different way. I kind of believed them. They told me to try it. I did. They asked me how it was. I spit it out on to my plate to prevent me from throwing up. They told me to put on some ketchup. I knew it wasn’t going to help. They ate it for me. I ate cereal.

Of course, things could’ve been worse. If they tried to make me drink coconut milk by telling me it was regular milk AND feed me peas by telling me they were green Sixlets, that would’ve been the terrible tasting torture trifecta.

From that moment on, everything I thought and believed came crashing down around me.

I soon discovered my parents were Santa, putting the toys into my Christmas stocking. Then I realized my parents were the Tooth Fairy, putting quarters under my pillow. Then I found out that wearing Underoos in the fifth grade was not cool. Then I discovered that knowing New Kids on the Block dance moves did not make me a good dancer.

Oh, if only they had the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna back in those days, because then my parents would’ve had an easier time trying to trick me to eat something that was healthy for me — and maybe the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus would still be alive in my head and not just in my heart.

The Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna looks like lasagna. It smells like lasagna. It tastes like lasagna. It can stain clothing in a food fight like lasagna. However, there’s no meat in the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna, just soy products that tastes sort of like meat.

It’s hard to believe the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna was low-fat and low-cholesterol, because it tasted pretty good. It had a nice little spicy tomato taste and I honestly couldn’t tell there wasn’t any meat in it. Although, the cheese looked like it could be used for Barbie plastic surgery, but it added a little more flavor to the lasagna.

Oh, if only Garfield the cat was real and not a comic strip character created in the mind of Jim Davis, then we would find out if Garfield could tell the difference between the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna and the usual meat lasagna.

But then again, Garfield looks like he would eat anything — even liver.

Item: Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Meatless Lasagna
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Can’t tell there isn’t meat. Low fat. Low cholesterol. Lots of protein.
Cons: A little pricey. Just enough lasagna for a single quasi-product review blog editor. Plastic looking cheese. Liver. Parent trickery. My NKOTB dance moves. The stench of deceit.

Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders

Marvo 45 Comments

I guess being fake is the new black.

Just ask James Frey and the Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders.

How could you do this to me, Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders?

God, I feel so cheated, bamboozled, conned, deceived, defrauded, duped, finagled, hoodwinked, mislead, screwed, suckered, swindled, victimized, and any other word in the thesaurus that also means to be cheated.

I trusted that you would give me delicious chicken tender goodness in exchange for my three dollars and fifty cents. How was I supposed to know that you were veggie tenders and didn’t contain any “chik’n” at all?

I know it says “veggie tenders” on your box, but I thought the amount of veggies in you were the same amounts of shredded carrots and celery the cafeteria workers at my old grade school would sneak into the meat lasagna to meet USDA school lunch standards.

Also, on top of the lie about you not having any chicken, I later learned that you contained milk and egg ingredients, which really doesn’t make you 100% vegetarian, like your box says. So to vegans, you’re not really 100% vegetarian, you’re just inedible and a liar.

How are my vegan homies supposed to keep it real?

I really feel duped. I feel duped. But more importantly I feel that you betrayed millions of eaters.

The pleasing scent of honey mustard that filled my kitchen might’ve made up for all the lies, but your honey mustard taste was weak. I wish your honey mustard flavor came in the form of a dipping sauce.

After eating a couple of “chik’n” tenders, I decided to eat the rest using a more honest condiment, ketchup, which is made from REAL tomato concentrate.

But that’s not the end of the lies. Here’s another one. You look so crispy on the box, but sticking you in my toaster oven for over twenty minutes at 375 degrees wasn’t even enough to make you crispy.

Also, why do you come with seven “chik’n” tenders? That’s an odd number. Are you going to lie to me and say the 8th piece was actually a chicken tender and because it was a chicken tender, it ran away.

At least you’re slightly healthy, with 7 grams of fat, 13 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber and 480 mg of sodium in only two pieces. Unless you’re lying about that too.

Despite being a liar, you are a healthier substitute for real chicken nuggets, especially McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. However, just like McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, I don’t know what’s in you, and I really don’t want to know.

Besides, even if you did tell me, it would probably be just a lie.

Item: Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Healthier than other chicken nuggets. Nice honey mustard smell. High in protein and dietary fiber. Ketchup.
Cons: A big fat liar. Weak honey mustard taste. High sodium. Wasn’t crispy. Contains milk and egg ingredients, which my strict vegetarians homies may not like.

Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips

Marvo 21 Comments

Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips

I didn’t buy these frozen Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips because they were easy to make.

I didn’t buy them for the Hooters Original Medium Wing Sauce, which was all right.

I didn’t buy them so that I could finally accomplish my goal of having the word “Hooters” in every sentence of a review, so that I can giggle every time after I read the word “Hooters.”

I also didn’t buy them so I could blow up a couple of balloons, put on my Hooters uniform, stick the balloons under my Hooters uniform, and do jumping jack in the mirror.

I bought them to torture myself with a poor pre-cooked frozen representation of a food that will always taste 100 times better fresh and is always better when served to me by a woman in a tight Hooters uniform, who I have absolutely NO CHANCE in the world to score with, not even with Funky Cold Medina.

Now I don’t know what’s worse, getting a restraining order from a Hooters waitress or eating these Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips.

Like I said before, the Hooters sauce was all right, but I don’t think that makes up for the fact that I paid over six bucks for this product and only got FIVE FRICKIN’ FROZEN STRIPS of boneless chicken.

Besides the amount of chicken, another thing that bothered me was the fact that the chicken wasn’t crispy after sticking them in the oven for suggested maximum of 13 minutes. The chicken were pretty limp, just like most men’s penises are when they realize they’re watching hermaphrodite porn.

Just remember to avoid any video with the title, “Double the Pleasure, Double the Trouble.” It really is double the trouble.

Anyway, I had the option of deep frying them, which probably would’ve made them crispy, but I lack a deep fryer and a healthy enough heart to withstand the shortening that the instructions suggested I use for frying.

If there was one thing that could’ve overcame the limp chicken, it would’ve been the sauce, but like I said before the sauce was okay. I remember the medium Hooters sauce in the restaurant being really spicy.

Oh wait. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t the medium Hooters sauce that I remember being really spicy, it was our waitress that was really spicy.

My bad.

(Editor’s Note: Okay. Okay. I suck! I still haven’t done the prize drawing yet. I will do it this week. I know I said that last week, but now I have someone to help me out.)

Item: Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips
Purchase Price: $6.19 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Easy to make, if you’ve got an oven. Hooters Original Medium Wing Sauce was okay.
Cons: Overpriced. Only five frickin’ pieces of chicken. Limp chicken. Sauce wasn’t creamy, like on the box. Doesn’t include a Hooters waitress that will turn me down.

REVIEW: White Castle Microwaveable Cheeseburgers

Marvo 39 Comments

White Castle Microwaveable Cheeseburgers

It seems like there’s been a trend to make things bigger. SUVs are getting larger, 15-pound cheeseburgers are being sold, the breasts of 18-year-old girls are artificially increasing, and Joan Rivers’ mouth seems to get louder and wider with every awards show.

But it’s good to know there are items that buck this trend and keep things small, like cell phones, digital cameras, wages at Walmart, the portions at five-star restaurants, and testicles in cold water.

A company that has also kept it small is White Castle, which is famous for their small, squarish hamburgers and their ability to attract people with a case of the munchies.

Unfortunately, being several thousand miles away from the nearest White Castle restaurant, I haven’t experienced the wonder of White Castle hamburgers. However, the national grocery store chain I shop at just so happens to have in stock frozen White Castle Microwaveable Cheeseburgers.

Of course, I’m sure the frozen burgers can’t compare with fresh White Castle burgers, because if I’ve learned anything about freezing environments, it’s that it makes everything in it miserable and it can shrink testicles.

The frozen White Castle cheeseburgers are almost identical to their fresh counterparts, they both have the patented burger patties with five holes, a whole lot of onions, and a small slice of American cheese, in between a small bun. However, the hard frozen White Castle cheeseburger would probably do more harm in a food fight.

One of the problems I had with these frozen burgers was the microwave heating instructions. Despite following them with great accuracy, I ended up with burgers with slightly cold edges. Sticking them in the microwave for a few more seconds resulted in soggy buns.

Fortunately, Impulsive Buy reader Kimdog let me in on her highly scientific heating instructions, which she spent minutes months honing.

Take the two burgers and nuke them on high for about 20 seconds. Open the microwave and take the tops of the buns off and remove them from the cooking interior. At the same time rotate the burgers by 180 degrees.

Restart the microwave and cook until you see the cheese bubble (usually about another 40 or so seconds). Open the microwave and put the tops of the buns back on the burgers and close the door.

Let them sit in the dark lifeless microwave for about another minute. This will warm and moisten the bun tops with out drying them out.

Kimdog’s heating instructions helped a little bit, but the burgers still weren’t completely heated.

As for the taste of the burgers, how can I put it? Um…it’s like I was eating grease. But something in that greasy taste kind of made them addicting. I don’t know if it’s the onions, the burger patty, or the holes in the burger patty, but something about it made it taste pretty good.

However, at $5.49 per six-count box, it made them slightly less tasty. (How much do fresh White Castle burgers cost?)

If you divide the price by six, each burger comes out to be about 91 cents. Personally, I’d rather grab six McDonald’s one dollar Double Cheeseburgers, which are bigger and just as tasty.

If I really wanted to, I could’ve eaten the entire box because the burgers are so small. However, eating just two of them left a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if this is common with White Castle burgers, but after my recent experiences with Olestra, I didn’t want to take the chance of eating the entire box.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Chuck, who let me know about the 15-pound cheeseburger.)

Item: White Castle Microwaveable Cheeseburgers
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Lots of dietary fiber. Kind of addicting. Makes for a great snack.
Cons: Greasy. Pricey. Soggy buns in the microwave. Inconsistent results with heating instructions on the box.