Tag: General Mills

REVIEW: Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch

Marvo 15 Comments

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch

I thought the new Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch was going to be this generation’s Post Oreo O’s.

Not familiar with the discontinued Post Oreo O’s because you’re too young to remember or you avoid all things awesome? Well let’s just say Post created an Oreo-branded cereal that really didn’t taste like Oreo cookies but was still so damn good that I wish I owned a DeLorean with a flux capacitor so that I could go back in time, fill said DeLorean with boxes of Post Oreo O’s, and then spend the next couple of weeks in a sugar-induced comatose.

If you’re too lazy to do a Google Image search to see what this cereal among cereals looks like, I’ll describe it to you.

Imagine an O-shaped cereal, like Apple Jacks. Now remove the red cinnamon spots on the cereal and replace it with a whole lot of white sugary spots that’ll make it look like it was in the spittle range of someone who sneezed on a pile cocaine. Next, replace the green or orange color of the Apple Jacks cereal with black. Yes, the color of death (and Oreo cookies). However, in this case it’s the color of chocolatey deliciousness.

Yes, I just spent the first 200 words of this Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch review describing another cereal. But I brought up Post Oreo O’s because the high expectations I had for that heavenly cereal are the same I had for this cereal. Seriously. Think about it. Doesn’t Oreo cereal sound like one of the greatest ideas for a cereal? If you’re saying no, you’re lying to yourself and your sweet tooth. Now, doesn’t Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch also sound like one of the greatest ideas for a cereal? Cocoa Puffs PLUS brownies!?! The name alone makes me go a little cuckoo.

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch may sound like one of the greatest ideas for a cereal, but, sadly, it’s far from a great cereal.

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch Naked

What disappoints me the most is that, despite being a cereal that appears to be different than regular Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch tastes like regular Cocoa Puffs. Actually, it starts off kind of tasting like Cookie Crisp and then ends up tasting like Cocoa Puffs, but that’s still disappointing. It makes me want to stuff Sonny the Cuckoo Bird into an oven and have him as part of my complete breakfast.

Also, speaking of Cookie Crisp, the pieces of Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch with their tiny bits of chocolate attached to them look like the burnt square rejects from the Cookie Crisp factory.

There were only two things about this cereal that impressed me. It did take awhile for it to get soggy in milk and if you leave the cereal wading in milk long enough, it does turn the milk chocolatey. Although, it’s kind of scary it stays crunchy in milk for as long as it does because it makes me wonder what’s keeping it from getting soggy.

Now if you go read the reviews of this cereal on mommy blogs, every single one of them will say that they and their kids enjoyed it. But if the children of those mommy bloggers could taste what my taste buds experienced with Post Oreo O’s, they would push away their Dora the Explorer or Ben 10 bowls filled with Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch cereal and demand for something better.

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch isn’t a horrible tasting cereal. It tastes like Cocoa Puffs, which I enjoy, but it shouldn’t taste like Cocoa Puffs. If General Mills can get their hands on a DeLorean with a flux capacitor they should go back to the year 2000 to pick up a box of Post Oreo O’s, then go forward in time to 2010 when they were developing Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch and use the cereal from the past as the flavor template for their future Cocoa Puffs spinoff cereal.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (cereal only) – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 80 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch
Price: $3.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk. Turns milk chocolatey. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Post Oreo O’s. The Back to the Future trilogy.
Cons: Tastes like Cocoa Puffs, which it shouldn’t. Doesn’t come close to tasting like brownies. Looks like burnt square rejects from a Cookie Crisp factory. No longer having Post Oreo O’s.

REVIEW: Cinnamon Burst Cheerios

Marvo 14 Comments

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios

I think I’m psychic.

I feel like the Miss Cleo of predicting new products because I envisioned in my sleep the new Cinnamon Burst Cheerios. Actually, to be honest, I foresaw a cinnamon-flavored Cheerios called Cinnamon Charged Cheerios, but I’m close enough. Even the greatest psychics can’t get every detail right.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I think because I’ve been reviewing foods that I shouldn’t be eating for so long that, perhaps, my brain is now wired to accurately predict new products. If only Las Vegas, an offshore gambling website or an underground gambling operation in Chinatown had odds on which new Pop-Tarts flavors Kellogg’s will be released next, then I could profit from my ability. By the way, I predict the new flavors will be pomegranate, coffee or Neapolitan Ice Cream.

Or maybe I have The Force. Or maybe the folks at General Mills are scanning my brain at night for ideas via my WiFi wireless router and ripped the idea from the mind.

ARRRGH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! TAKE MY IDEAS FOR FRUITY CHEX CEREAL, CHOCOLATE KIX, AND HUNGARIAN HAMBURGER HELPER, AND JUST LEAVE MY HEAD! BUT PLEASE LEAVE THE SEXY IMAGES OF HELEN MIRREN IN A MRS. CLAUS SUIT.

Speaking of icons that have been around since the mid-1940s and are covered in something red, the Cinnamon Burst Cheerios give me another option that keeps me from eating plain Cheerios to help me lower my cholesterol, which, by the way, has made my tongue weep every time I’ve eaten it.

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios Closeup

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios is flavored with real cinnamon that’s been baked into each piece of cereal. The cinnamon flavor is noticeable, but just like other flavored Cheerios it’s not sweet enough to have it mistaken for a cereal that’s meant for eight-year-olds who hold their spoon as though they’re gonna stab someone with it. So I don’t know whether I would call the amount it contains a “burst.”

On a scale of 1-10, with one being the cinnamon that falls from Isla Fisher’s red hair whenever she scratches her cute head and ten being the spoonful of cinnamon used to attempt spoonful of cinnamon challenges, the Cinnamon Burst Cheerios would be a four. If this cereal has a burst of cinnamon, then I wonder what the more cinnamon-y Cinnamon Toast Crunch has? An inundation of cinnamon? An overload of cinnamon? Double D’s of cinnamon?

When eaten sans milk, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios makes for a tasty, crunchy snack. When eaten avec milk, the cinnamon flavor holds up and it becomes a delicious part of a complete breakfast, an appetizing part of an I-don’t-really-give-a-shit lunch or a pathetic part of a depressing dinner alone. If you’re eating it as part of a sad dinner alone, you should know that some of the cinnamon ends up floating in the milk, so when you’re left with just the milk to slurp up…CINNAMON BONUS!

High five!

If you’re tired of regular Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, MulitGrain Cheerios, Banana Nut Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Fruity Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios is a worthy replacement for any of them.

And, in the future, you’ll be able to add Peanut Butter Cheerios to the list.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Cinnamon Burst Cheerios
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Good, mild cinnamon flavor. Great with or without milk. Stays crunchy in milk for a good amount of time. My ability to predict new products. Worthy replacement for any other Cheerios flavor. CINNAMON BONUS! I learned a new French word.
Cons: Not sure if I would call the amount of cinnamon it has a burst. No gambling odds for new Pop-Tarts flavors. Would make for a pathetic part of a depressing dinner. Attempting spoonful of cinnamon challenges.

REVIEW: Chocolate Cheerios

Marvo 13 Comments

Are you a young homie trying to impress a young hottie?

Pushing her to the ground or teasing her are first grade tactics and ain’t going to work. I’ve got a third grade solution for you — necklaces.

You know they work because you’ve seen your daddy give your mommy necklaces all the time. He purchases one for Valentine’s Day, their wedding anniversary and after they end up on either Maury and Cheaters. Now you can’t afford the necklaces your daddy buys your mommy because you don’t have an allowance, which probably happened because your daddy buys so many necklaces. So I’m gonna teach all you young homies a cheap way to make your own necklace using the new Chocolate Cheerios.

Why Chocolate Cheerios and not the regular stuff or Honey Nut Cheerios? Well I think it’s one of the better tasting and sweeter Cheerios varieties and using the other stuff will make you look cheap. Also, if you use the good stuff, you can use the line, “I want to give something sweet to someone sweet.” I guarantee that line will get her to share her applesauce with you in the school cafeteria. You can’t pull that shit off with regular bland Cheerios or the not as sweet Honey Nut Cheerios.

In order to make the necklace, you’re going to need a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios and about two feet of thread. If you don’t know how long two feet is, ask your mommy or daddy to cut the piece of thread for you. If your mommy and daddy are having make up sex after he gave her a necklace, use the Chocolate Cheerios box to measure the length since it’s about one foot high.

Try to clean the table before you start, but if you can’t, don’t worry about it since you won’t be eating the cereal anyway. Lay the string on a table and start adding Cheerios to it. Alternate the different colors and she’ll know you put some thought into it. Once you’ve covered the entire string with Chocolate Cheerios, tie the two ends together and you’re done. Pour yourself a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios to celebrate, or if your parents are having make up sex, to feed yourself because they’ll be awhile.

Chocolate Cheerios isn’t quite as sweet as chocolate-flavored children’s cereals, but it does have a decent level of chocolate flavor, thanks to the fact that it’s made with real cocoa. Actually, its chocolatey-ness is exactly where I expected it to be since it’s a health conscious Cheerios product. But if it were any sweeter, I’d expect to see a cartoon character printed on the front of the box, some kind of puzzle on the back and it would be popular with 35-year-old virgins who live in their parents’ basements. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, but I was more surprised by the chocolatey milk that was left after eating the cereal, which tasted like something that only Cocoa Puffs could leave behind. I have to say that Chocolate Cheerios is my favorite Cheerios variety.

If the young hottie rejects you, but keeps the necklace, an 11.25 ounce box of Chocolate Cheerios can easily make several necklaces, as long as you don’t eat the entire box within three days like I have. If you need another line when you present it to the next hottie, you can use, “I got a neck-lace for your pretty face.”

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 100 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein and a bevy of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Chocolate Cheerios
Price: $3.99
Size: 11.25 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The best tasting variety of Cheerios. Made with real cocoa. Creates a chocolatey milk. Makes a nice necklace to impress a hottie. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Made with whole grains. 100 calories per serving. May reduce the risk of heart disease, unless you eat it with lard.
Cons: Needs to come in a bigger box. Only 1 gram of dietary fiber. Pushing or teasing a hottie to get her attention. Ending up on Maury or Cheaters.

REVIEW: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal

Marvo 17 Comments

Cookie Crisp has always had the potential to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. All General Mills, the maker of Cookie Crisp, has to do to make this happen is to turn to the dark side, but they haven’t done it, yet, with their new Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal.

When I say “dark side,” I’m not talking about the one filled with anger and hate that turned Anakin Skywalker into the heartless and powerful Darth Vader. Instead, I’m talking about the one that’s filled with greed and gluttony and has the ability to turn an ordinary couch potato into the heart-diseased and easily winded Girth Vider.

This dark side also has the ability to turn Trix into something you would want to eat with a condom on, preferably on your tongue, unless you pay extra to fuck it.

If General Mills did turn to the dark side and wanted Cookie Crisp to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, the cereal would be made up of actual mini cookies, and none of these unsatisfying cookie-shaped pieces.

These cookies would be made with enough milk to make a cow’s udder spew dust, enough flour to make it look like one just came from a 1980s cocaine party, enough eggs to make PETA protest, enough butter to make Paula Deen weep, enough sugar to rot one’s teeth instantly and enough love to make one file a restraining order.

Unfortunately, the Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal maintains the status quo with its vanilla-flavored cereal with colorful sprinkles on top. It has a flavor that’s similar to regular Cookie Crisp, except without the slight chocolate chip flavor, proving the sprinkles are just there to distract from the fact that the cereal has no personality, like silicone breast implants do for most female reality show contestants.

I prefer regular Cookie Crisp over Sprinkles Cookie Crisp, but that’s just me, because I tend to prefer chocolately cereals. So if Cookie Crisp decided to go to the dark side and sell a box that contains nothing but Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy, I would purchase that in a heartbeat and then wait for that heartbeat to quicken as I turn into Girth Vider.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup with skim milk – 140 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 12 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.)

(Note: Here’s an old review I did for Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I’m not sure if it still exists.)

Item: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal
Price: $5.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Like regular Cookie Crisp, except without the light chocolate chip flavor. Sprinkles give the cereal some color. Going to the dark side, if you’re a cereal company. A cereal made up of Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy.
Cons: Not better than regular Cookie Crisp. Kind of boring. Not made up of actual cookies. Turning into Girth Vider. Going to the dark side, if you’re a Jedi. Most reality show contestants. Eating Trix that has turned to the dark side.

REVIEW: Honey Kix

Marvo 24 Comments

Kix has always been one of those cereals that have puzzled me. It’s one of those cereals that makes me wonder why it’s still on store shelves because, frankly, it’s as tasty as a wet hobo’s home. I used to think that way about Rice Krispies too, but then realized that its production is probably still going thanks to people who makes homemade Rice Krispies Treats and those who use it to absorb liquid spills.

My dislike for regular Kix was the reason why I was skeptical about the new Honey Kix. It would take a lot for me to like Kix and adding honey might not be enough to do it because you can put a sheep’s clothing on a wolf and it’s still a wolf and you can put a beard on Spencer Pratt and he’s still an asshole. What also made me pessimistic about Honey Kix was the fact that, just like the original Kix, it’s “Kid-Tested, Mother-Approved.”

“Kid-Tested” is such a vague term. Sure, they gave it to kids and they might’ve all hated it or they might’ve all loved it, but there’s no way to know what those children were thinking with the open-ended phrase, “Kid-Tested.” At one point, kids might’ve liked Kix, perhaps back in 1937, when it was introduced. But, of course, kids would like it back then because they didn’t have much of a choice. There wasn’t enough variety to have a cereal aisle. It was just a cereal corner.

What I want to know is, how often do they do these tests?

I hope they do it often because kids likes and dislikes are so fickle. If they need someone to do more tests, I could do it because I understand the basics of experimentation thanks to college chemistry and watching Mythbusters. All I need is a kid to be a control subject who eats only Kix and a bunch of other kids to be subjects that aren’t controls who will be eating cereals that will make the control subject jealous. Although, now that I think about it, it will be difficult to do this testing since I’m pretty sure having a 33-year-old man entice children to his “laboratory” with promises of delicious cereal is illegal in most, if not all, countries.

I ended up using myself as a test subject with the Honey Kix. The first thing I noticed about the latest Kix is that it’s much more yellow in color than regular Kix. Then I noticed it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. Its taste was definitely sweeter than original Kix and it had a slight honey flavor that made the cereal sort of taste like Cookie Crisp, except without the chocolate. But it’s flavor won’t satisfy those who love their sugary cereals that either come with marshmallows or colors that don’t occur in nature.

After all my experiments, I’ve come to the conclusion that Honey Kix is better than original Kix. So consider it, “Marvo-Tested, Marvo-Approved!”

(Nutrition Facts – 1.25 cups – 120 calories, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 19 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and lots of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Honey Kix
Price: $5.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweeter than original Kix. Sort of tastes like Cookie Crisp without the chocolate. Provides 16 grams of whole grain. No high fructose corn syrup. 3 grams of dietary fiber. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. No artificial flavors or preservatives. Mythbusters. Using Rice Krispies to absorb liquids.
Cons: Taste won’t satisfy those who love sugary cereals. “Kid-Tested” is vague term. Enticing children to a “laboratory” with promises of delicious cereal. The asshole-ness of Spencer Pratt. The fickleness of children.