Tag: Gum

REVIEW: Dentyne Fire

Marvo 13 Comments

Dentyne Fire

I’m an awesome kisser.

After years of practicing with my pillow, hand, and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie, I have taught myself to apply the perfect amounts of pressure, sucking, and tongue playing, when making out with a woman.

I’ve done exercises that make my lips softer, help me efficiently control my breathing through my nose, make my jaw stronger for longevity, and make my tongue flick faster and longer. I’ve read numerous articles on the art of kissing, like this one, this one, and this one.

I’m a kissing master. A black-belt kisser. The Sultan of Smooching. The King of Kissing. The Heavyweight Champion of Kissing.

If you don’t believe me, ask my 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie.

Oh, but don’t ask the first girl I ever kissed, because that was one sloppy saliva mess I’d like to forget about. It was so bad, she broke up with me a couple of days later.

Anyway, how many of you have seen the commercial for Dentyne Fire?

If you haven’t seen it, it goes like this: A girl introduces her boyfriend to her parents. While boyfriend is talking to parents, girl pops a Dentyne Fire in her mouth. After chewing for a little bit, she gets horny as hell and jumps her boyfriend, right in front of her parents. Seeing this, the girl’s mom pops a Dentyne Fire and then jumps her husband.

The bottom line: Dentyne Fire will make you horny.

Of course, this can’t be true. It’s like saying spinach will instantly give me superhuman strength and help me attract flat-chested women.

To prove it isn’t true, I’ll chew a Dentyne Fire.

(Pops one into mouth)

Mmm…Nice cinnamon bite…OH! Excuse me…

(Eight hours and one pack of Dentyne Fire later)

Wow, I guess I’m going to have to buy some new pillows and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie. Heh, heh!

Now I don’t know if it was the Dentyne Fire or Debbie Gibson’s Playboy photo shoot that kept me busy for the past eight hours, but all I know is that I’m out of Dentyne Fire and Valentine’s Day is over. This means I can’t follow through with my plans to get a woman to kiss me on Valentine’s Day using the Dentyne Fire and then take her breath away using my well-practiced kissing techniques.

Oh well, there’s always next Valentine’s Day.

Item: Dentyne Fire
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Spicy. Cinnamon. May make you horny. I AM an awesome kisser.
Cons: Flavor lasts as long as any other gum.

REVIEW: Ice Breakers Liquid Ice

Marvo 4 Comments

Liquid Ice

Erin, a loyal Impulsive Buy reader / stalker / groupie, sent me an email asking if I was going to do a review on the Ice Breakers Liquid Ice. I told her that I would, but I wasn’t able to find any. I didn’t find it at the national grocery store chain or at the national convenience store chain I shop at. I emailed her back and told her about my dilemma.

She sent me another email and told me she would send some from Seattle.

Wow! Who would have thought running a quasi-review website would actually land me free stuff?

So the package with the Ice Breakers Liquid Ice came to The Impulsive Buy Laboratories the other day and the first thing I noticed was how small the Liquid Ice were. They were these tiny blue balls and when you suck on them, they eventually burst and all the liquid minty goodness comes out.

The problem with the blue balls is that if you suck on them it takes awhile for the goodness to come out and that can be damn frustrating. However, if you lightly bite the blue balls, things happen much quicker.

When the blue balls finally burst, it was pretty disappointing, despite all the pent up blue balls excitement I had. In my opinion, sucking on something else will get you better results, perhaps an Altoids or a breath strip.

You know how Altoids and breath strips seem to clear your nasal passages when you suck on them, I didn’t get this feeling with the Liquid Ice.

Also, the minty flavor from the Liquid Ice doesn’t seem to last very long in my mouth compared to its competitors.

Now some of you may be wondering, if the blue balls melt in your mouth, does it melt in your hand? Well I decided to figure that out with help from The Impulsive Buy Intern.

So I put two blue balls in the intern’s hand, so the intern could just hold them and get a feel for them. After a couple of minutes, nothing happened. I then told the intern to gently roll around the two blue balls with both hands. For a while nothing happened, so I told the intern to roll the blue balls a little faster and seconds later they burst, spraying its goodness into the intern’s hands and some on the intern’s blue lab coat.

I think the Ice Breakers Liquid Ice is a clever idea. It is definitely something different than the usual mints and breath strips. However, if you want fresh breath that lasts, mints and breath strips will do a much better job.

I guess the tiny blue balls left me a little frustrated.

Item: Ice Breakers Liquid Ice
Purchase Price: $1.77
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Compact packaging. Clever concept. Tiny blue balls.
Cons: Not much of a minty punch compared to mints and breath strips.