Tag: Hamburger Helper

I tried. I really tried. But, I think it’s impossible to overdose on whole grains. I picked up as many products with whole grains as I could, which were all over the place. No, seriously. If I were to piss blindfolded in a grocery store, it’s hard not to hit a product that has whole grains.

In one day, I ate a bowl of Froot Loops made with whole grain, consumed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with whole wheat bread, snacked on Tostitos tortilla chips made with whole grain, inhaled a plate of pasta with whole grain noodles, chomped on whole grain Wheat Thins and ate a hearty serving of Betty Crocker’s new Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper.

That’s easily 100 grams of whole grain, which is twice the recommended 48 grams of whole grain one should eat daily. Whatever happened to “too much of a good thing can be bad”? I’ve eaten enough prunes in one sitting to know the effects of having too much of a good thing. If it had been 100 grams of cocaine, I’d be dead, unless I was Keith Richards. With that many grams of whole grain, I though I would at least have hallucinations of grain fields or giant spiders trying to eat me.

You know what? Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I could’ve had more whole grains if I had brunch, linner, and Taco Bell’s Fourthmeal. That would’ve taken me to around 175 grams of whole grain. Or even better, I could’ve hung out near the feederhouse or cylinder of a combine grain harvester. I would’ve easily gotten 1,000 grams of whole grain. Or maybe I should’ve eaten the entire skillet I prepared of Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper, which would’ve given me 80 grams of whole grain.

Although, I don’t know whether I could eat the entire skillet, because Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper looks weird. It’s like staring at Renee Zellwegger without any makeup on or me with a drag queen’s-worth of makeup on. It looks unappetizing and drab, like something that would be served in a Siberian prison for kids.

I blame the bronzed 100 percent whole grain elbow macaroni for making this Whole Grain Hamburger Helper look weird, and for giving the dish a grainy texture. Although, the grainy texture was expected since the whole grain noodles I had earlier, during my attempt to OD on whole grains, had the same texture.

But it’s not only the bronzed elbow macaroni that brings this Hamburger Helper down, it’s also the cheesy sauce, which wasn’t very cheesy. Some bites I took didn’t have any cheese flavor, and instead all I could taste was the ground beef I added. If I just wanted to taste the ground beef, I would’ve made myself a hamburger without the helper.

The Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper may sound like a healthier Hamburger Helper, but there really isn’t anything healthier about it beyond the whole grain pasta. Okay, it also has 240 milligrams less sodium than regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper, but it has the same amount of calories, saturated fat and trans fat as the regular version.

If you’re desperate to get whole grains, I guess it could be an option, but again, there are many other ways to get whole grains. To find out, just go to your favorite grocery store, blindfold yourself, pull down your pants, and pee.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup prepared – 310 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper
Price: $2.29
Size: 4.8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Easy to prepare. Provides 16 grams of whole grain per serving. Less sodium than regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper. Cheap meal. Good source of protein. No artificial flavors or preservatives.
Cons: Looks like something that would be served in a Siberian prison for kids. Not very cheesy. Grainy texture of macaroni. Same amount of calories, saturated fat and trans fat as regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper. Elbow macaroni looks like it’s been hanging out by the pool with George Hamilton. Eating too many prunes.

I just want to make clear that the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef and its other flavors are not part of some big conspiracy for Asian Domination.

Oh wait.

Why did I capitalize the D in “Domination”? It makes it look like a code name for something, which it is totally not. If I had typed “Operation Asian Domination,” and something cryptic along with it, like “All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes,” then maybe it might look like all the Asians, except North Korea, are coming together to take over the world. But that IS NOT the case.

The Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef is just an easy-to-make dish and the eyebrows on the Hamburger Helper glove are not slanted eyes, his eyes are not nostrils, and his nose is not a gigantic zit. All you need is a pound of ground beef, 2 3/4 cups of hot water, and, of course, the ingredients contained in the box. Within 20 minutes, you’ll have a dish that native Mongolians will not recognize at all, because the Mongolian Beef dish is an American creation.

Betty Crocker is not trying to deceive you, just like Asians aren’t trying to swindle you by infiltrating various aspects of society to bring it crashing down two weeks from today. People love Jackie Chan, the number one golfer in the world is half-Asian, there’s a Korean on Grey’s Anatomy, my doppleganger is on CBS’s The Mentalist, there are Japanese players in Major League Baseball, Olivia Munn is half-Chinese, there are over a thousand Panda Express locations across the United States, Rob Schneider is half-Filipino, sushi and karaoke bars are all over, and many women learned a new Japanese word, Harajuku, but all of that does not equate to Asians wanting to rule the world and force everyone to drive fuel-efficient Toyota, Honda, Kia, or Hyundai cars two weeks from today.

Besides, how can the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef be part of an Asian conspiracy to take over the world when it doesn’t taste Asian. It was all right tasting, but it tasted more like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff than any Asian dish. The pasta noodles were gummy and the addition of freeze-dried peas and carrots seemed unnecessary since they didn’t add anything to the flavor.

So to all the non-Asians out there, you don’t have to worry about an Operation Asian Domination because it’s just silly to think Asians would want to take over the world. To all the Asians out there, All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes, two weeks from today.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup prepared – 270 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef
Price: $3.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting if you like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff. Easy to make. Ready to eat in about 20 minutes. Two weeks from today. Olivia Munn.
Cons: Not Asian tasting. Noodles were gummy. Conspiracies that involve Asians wanting to take over the world. Not Mongolian. Freeze-dried peas and carrots were useless.

Hi. My name is Marvo. It’s nice to meet you…um, what does your name tag say?

Wow. That’s a really long name you have there, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. That’s an unusual name. N-n-no, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your name, I just think it’s really cool that you have such a long name. Anyway, it’s really nice to meet you Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. So have you ever done this speed dating thing before?

Yeah, I’m new to it too. My friends said I should give it a try since I don’t get out of the house much and all I do is write, sleep, and download internet porn. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I download internet porn…unless you do it too?

You don’t? Well you should try it someday. If you do try, remember to lock your bedroom door and close your window shades. Anyway, you know what I do during my free time, so what do you do for fun?

Oh, you like food? I’m surprised by that because you’re so dainty. No, really. You come in a very small package. You have 210 calories and 4.5 grams of fat? That’s not much at all. You also have 1.5 grams of trans fat? Oh…um. W-w-well, I like my dates to have a “little junk in the trunk.” N-n-no, I’m not saying you have a big ass. I just don’t like women who are anorexic and you’re not. I-I-I’m not saying you’re fat. You’re curvy. No, again, I’m not saying you’re fat. You have a nice shape. No, not like a cow. I think you’re skinny…and pretty. Really pretty. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so are you spiritual or religious? You’re into Satanism. Wait…the Satanism with or without the chicken sacrifices? With? Um, I can dig that. Oh wait, chicken sacrifices with or without drinking the chicken’s blood? Without? Phew. Thank goodness you’re not one of those chicken blood drinking Satanists, because those people are crazy.

You do what with the blood? Use the blood to draw pentagrams all over your body and dance naked around the sacrificed chicken to gain immortality and increase your vision? Um, as long as you don’t drink the blood, I don’t find that weird.

So how would you best describe yourself?

Salty, quick, and easy?

You seem like such a nice person that I couldn’t imagine you getting a little salty. But then again, with 580 milligrams of sodium I could possibly see it happening. N-n-no, I’m not calling you short tempered. N-n-no, I don’t want to take this outside. No, I do not want my ass kicked.

So you say you’re also quick and easy. To be honest, I kind of like that. So it takes only three steps to make you hot and ready to eat. How long does it take you to get hot? Four to six minutes is pretty quick.

But I’ll never find out how easy you are? Why won’t you let me? I’m a decent looking guy. I’m not sexiest man in my apartment and I live alone, but I think I’m above average. I don’t think I’m a D+. In the eight minutes we’re spending together, I don’t think we can truly learn enough about each other, but if you spend more time with me you would find out that I’m a great guy. I have not been staring at your breasts all this time. I just think the pendant you’re wearing is really nice.

Time’s up.

Well it was nice meeting you, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. I thought you were kind of tasty, although I’m not too sure about your small balls of freeze dried ground beef, but they did add some nice flavor. No, I’m not calling you a man with small balls. Your noodles were tender and your cheesy sauce was decent, but I didn’t expect much since I just mixed cheese powder with water.

Overall, I think things between us went well and I hope we meet again.

Oh, you didn’t think so? Um, I guess it was nice meeting you then.

I should do something about my breath? Oh, thanks.

Item: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not great. Decent cheesy sauce. Easy to make. Kinda quick to make. Four individual pouches. Satanists who don’t drink chicken blood. I’m a decent looking guy.
Cons: Servings are small. A little salty. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Freeze dried ground beef kind of scares me. Satanists who drink chicken blood. Telling a woman they have “junk in the trunk.” Being caught staring at breasts. My breath.