REVIEW: Ranch Lovers Pepperoni Hot Pockets

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Holy Hot Pockets! When did Hot Pockets get rid of the microwaveable crisping sleeve?

What’s going to protect my fingers from burning on the crust? What will help contain the oozing molten filling that might burn my fingers? What will I use to scrape up the filling that oozed onto the plate I used to microwave the Hot Pocket? Will I never experience susceptors again? Can I buy sleeves in bulk on Amazon from a Chinese brand name missing vowels and all in caps, like HPCKTSLVS?

It turns out Nestle removed the sleeves in June 2024, but Nestle didn’t formally announce it until September 2024. As you can guess, I haven’t had a Hot Pocket in so long that I didn’t even notice Crisping Sleeve-gate. But you know what? These Ranch Lovers Pepperoni Hot Pockets with reduced fat mozzarella cheese, Hidden Valley Ranch sauce, and a Hidden Valley Ranch seasoned crust are tasty enough that I forgive Nestle for the removal of the crisping sleeve/finger protector/filling shovel.

However, I’m not sure the sauce and the seasoned crust remind me of Hidden Valley Ranch. I’ve gone through Costco-sized bottles of the creamy dressing, so I think my taste buds have a pretty good idea of what it’s supposed to taste like, but that’s not what comes to mind when chomping on these. Perhaps the cheese and pepperoni skew the ranch’s taste into something less brand-name. But that seasoning on the crust does make it the best smelling Hot Pocket I’ve ever experienced, and the creamy sauce inside does taste like ranch, but, again, not specifically Hidden Valley Ranch. While its flavor wasn’t what I expected, Holy Hot Pockets, it’s still a tasty, savory pocket of meat, cheese, and sauce.

After eating three of the four “sandwiches” in the box, I didn’t miss the crisping sleeve. Also, none of them had their filling ooze out while being zapped with microwaves. Now that I think about it, did the sleeve really “crisp” the crust? Instead, did it heat the Hot Pocket so much that there was a 99 percent chance the filling would ooze out?

If that’s the case, HPCKTSLVS won’t get any of my money.

Purchased Price: $7.49*
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 sandwich) 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar (including 2 grams of added sugar), and 9 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Cheez-It Hidden Valley Ranch Crackers

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I grew up in the Midwest, where ranch is synonymous with ketchup and mustard in most quick-service restaurants. It’s almost everywhere and used on almost any food. I know this isn’t specific to the Midwest, but I think there are certain parts of the country where this is NOT common, and people abhor ranch with as much passion as most folks in my neck of the woods adore it. If you fall into the former category, perhaps skip this new product mash-up. If you fall into the latter, Rejoice! Cheez-It and Hidden Valley Ranch (HVR) have launched a limited-release collab, Cheez-It Hidden Valley Ranch Crackers!

This particular mash-up feels like a no-brainer. In fact, several Pinterest-style recipes out there show you how to douse Cheez-Its, oyster crackers, or whatever little crunchies in powdered HVR seasoning as a DIY seasoned snack. But this officially licensed version got me excited because it meant the real Original Ranch seasoning would be used on my oh-so-beloved Cheez-Its.

I could smell the ranch immediately upon opening the box. The seasoning is visible and distinctly speckled in a way you’d expect from Hidden Valley Ranch. The Cheez-It base cracker is the white cheddar cheese flavor. This differs from their inverted collab, the Cheez-It Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing, which is orange and, therefore, strangely off-putting. Yes, they made the Cheez-It white and the dressing orange.

Anyway, back to these crackers, the ranch seasoning is not too overwhelming on the white cheddar base, and they’re very snackable. Some crackers have a heavier coating, so as I went through my taste test, I would occasionally be delighted with a little extra kick of flavor.

What I realized pretty quickly, however, is that ranch powdered seasoning and powdered Cheez-It seasoning are not incredibly different. The main powdered dairy components are either powdered buttermilk or powdered cheddar, and these just really aren’t THAT different when you’re downing snack crackers with salt and other flavors. If I were tasting these blind, I’m not certain I would pick them up as distinctly ranch or just an onion and garlic-flavored Cheez-It. Still delicious.

To summarize it directly, these Hidden Valley Ranch Cheez-Its are subtle but great. I think the power of this collaboration is the ubiquitous success of onion and garlic flavors mingled with white cheddar and the powerhouse brand mash-up of Cheez-It and Hidden Valley. Available for a limited time, I’ll likely buy them again and again until that time runs out.

Purchased Price: $4.99 (sale)
Size: 12.4 oz box
Purchased at: Jewel Osco (Albertson’s)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (30g or 25 Crackers) 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Van Leeuwen Hidden Valley Ranch Ice Cream

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After shaving two thin layers off the top of Van Leeuwen’s Hidden Valley Ranch Ice Cream, I closed my eyes and thought it tasted familiar.

I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Well, DUH! It tastes like Hidden Valley Ranch!” Yeah, I know. I’m familiar with the flavor because I buy the 40-ounce bottle two-pack at Costco once a year to help convince my body to eat more salad. But after shaving off a few thicker layers that could legally be considered “spoonfuls,” I realized this weird ice cream flavor tastes like another odd dessert creation in a pint — Van Leeuwen’s Pizza Ice Cream.

However, after comparing ingredient lists, they don’t share any savory ones, so I’m not sure why they remind me of each other. To get the savory ranch taste, the ice cream was made using buttermilk powder, onion powder, garlic powder, and other natural flavors. Those components make this smell like it’s not going to be a fun time.

It also doesn’t initially taste like a fun time because the buttermilk, salt, onion and garlic powders, and herb flavors strike the taste buds hard. But after subsequent attempts at eating it, the sweetness in the base starts to come out and the savory ingredients fade a bit, making the ice cream a bit more edible. Much like the pizza flavor, once I got past the initial savoriness, it turned out to be, um, I can’t think of a word that means just under okay. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, and maybe eating Van Leeuwen’s previous unusual creations has made my taste buds ready for whatever the brand offers.

Because I always have Hidden Valley Ranch in my kitchen, I could compare the two, and the notable difference between them, other than sweetness levels, is that the dressing has a stronger eggy and buttermilk flavor that would’ve been awful in the ice cream. Also, because I always seem to have McDonald’s in my house, I could find out how this is as a McNuggets dipping sauce. It’s, um, not something I’d do again because the savory ingredients get somewhat negated by the ice cream’s sweetness. Also, because I constantly try to convince my body to eat salad, I happen to have some lettuce and raw spinach in my house. So I topped them with ice cream, and learned it’s not a good salad dressing because of the taste and how it slides off the vegetables.

I imagine 99 percent of you will find Van Leeuwen’s Hidden Valley Ranch Ice Cream utterly disgusting, and I completely understand, but I think of it differently. I wouldn’t call it delicious or even good. I don’t even think I could eat a bowl of it. But it’s okay in small doses; a creative novelty that makes me smile and grimace at the same time; I haven’t thrown it out after eating 1/6th of the pint so far; and I love that Van Leeuwen had the Nads Leeuwens to sell this. Those are the nicest things I can say about it. But if you have an adventurous palate, it’s worth a try.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free product sample from Van Leeuwen. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 14 fl oz
Purchased at: Received from Van Leeuwen, but it’s available at Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 260 calories, 18 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 21 grams of sugar (including 15 grams of added sugar), and 5 grams of protein.