Tag: Hot Pockets

If Hot Pockets were a movie franchise, it would probably be Batman. Like Batman, the Hot Pocket has a crusty exterior but a center that burns hotter than a thousand blazing suns. Anyone who’s ever scorched their taste buds on a Pocket after not waiting the recommended minute can attest to this. Both franchises bring comfort to lonely nerds everywhere who will always make every new iteration a commercial success. Finally, and perhaps most regretfully, both are marred with tremendous cheesiness in the middle − Hot Pockets with a mysterious processed cheese sauce and Batman with Joel Schumacher.

The mystery sauce is no more, however, as Hot Pockets has finally decided to integrate real cheese into their product. This is definitely one of life’s pleasant surprises, like finding a dollar under your couch or witnessing MILFy Travel Channel host Samantha Brown turn into a filthy slut on her new show. It just goes to show that even simple things that are unexpected can bring pleasure to your life. If they ever decide to make it with real meat, my head would almost certainly explode with joy.

Indeed, the meat is still the same processed “beef steak” that shares textural similarities with silicon foam. To its credit, the flavor is similar enough to real chopped steak to be passable. With the peppers and cheese inside, you won’t really notice the difference. And let’s be honest; when you find yourself enjoying a Hot Pocket, you’ll probably be too drunk to care.

The addition of real cheese is immediately noticeable. The naturally stringy texture is a nice of pace from the typical radioactively bright orange sauces that Hot Pockets typically deploys. The croissant crust is flakier and more flavorful than the regular Hot Pocket crust and can almost make you forget that you’re eating a frozen sandwich product in a cardboard sleeve. Overall, this is one of the best Hot Pockets on the market and one of the few that you shouldn’t be ashamed to eat.

I pray that this is a sign of things to come and that we will never see the Hot Pockets equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze again.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 pocket – 340 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 550mg sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, 10% Iron, 15% Thiamaine, 10% Riboflavin, 8% Vitamin B12, 10% Niacin, 15% Folic Acid, and 10% Phosphorus)

Item: Hot Pockets Philly Steak and Cheese Croissant
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Same flavor as an authentic Philly Cheese Steak. Addition of real cheese makes it taste like something that humans should actually eat. Croissant crust is flaky and flavorful. Samantha Brown acting like a slutty sorority girl.
Cons: Still uses spongy processed meat. Eating something out a cardboard sleeve still feels humiliating. Mr. Freeze.

This review is a very emotional one for me, because it brings back a memory I’d like to have permanently erased. I have tried really hard to suppress this memory, but for you, my loyal five readers, I will relive it.

It was the summer of 1990. As I recall, it was an extremely hot summer season, with days filled with cloudless skies and parched pastures. Without school, the each day was one long recess spent with the other neighborhood kids. The beach is where we spent many days, bodysurfing in the two-foot waves and getting sunburnt because we forgot to reapply sunscreen. But it didn’t matter because we were young, innocent, and free.

Saved by the Bell was on the small screen; MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” was played across the radio waves; and Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets were the lunch of choice.

Oh those Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets, a delicious and hearty lunch I could eat outside, once I took it out of the microwave and let it cool down for a while. They were quite scrumptious, although I would soon find out how dangerous they could be to my wardrobe.

The one bad thing I discovered about those Hot Pockets was the possibility of the pepperoni pizza filling oozing out from the other end. The first time it happened to me was when I was wearing my green shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants. After taking a bite, a glob of cheese and pizza sauce fell onto my lap and onto my cherished dancing pants. I quickly reached for something to wipe the glob away, but there was nothing around and it was too late. The flimsy material was no match for the quick staining combo of cheese and pizza sauce.

I was devastated because I could no longer wave my hands in the air, bust a few moves and run my fingers through my hair, move slide my rump, or just for a minute do the bump. Nor could I break it down. From that moment on, I vowed never to eat another Hot Pocket again.

(Just give me a moment to collect myself)

So I had some trepidation when I purchased the Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express, but I couldn’t help myself because they looked so good and it had the word “New!” on the box in big, fancy letters.

Each box comes with two 5-inch pot pies, which were kind of small. It takes 2 minutes to warm up one in the microwave and 24 minutes in a conventional oven. I decided to try both ways.

To warm it up in the microwave, there’s a crisping sleeve that you stick the pot pie in. If I recall from the summer of 1990, they don’t do a good job of crisping anything. However, I guess crisping sleeve technology has improved over the past decade because it did a pretty good job on the chicken and broccoli pot pie. The crust was flaky and the filling was hot, although the parts that didn’t have direct contact with the crisping sleeve were a little soggy.

As for the conventional oven, which was a toaster oven, it did a great job of crisping every inch of the pot pie. The crust was noticeably flakier than the one from the microwave. Was it worth waiting twelve times longer than the microwave one? No.

Both of them tasted very good. The sauce mixed in with the chicken and broccoli was a nice cheese sauce, all of which stayed in the pot pie and stayed away from my favorite tight red leather pants.

Item: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Flaky crust. The filling stays where it should, so I won’t ever ruin another pair of shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants.
Cons: Kind of small. Microwave crisping sleeve doesn’t do a good job a crisping compared to a conventional oven or toaster-oven. A little expensive for just two pot pies.