REVIEW: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie

Haagen Dazs Caramel Apple Pie

Häagen-Dazs is quite possibly the Mercedes-Benz of the ice cream world. Both exhibit high quality in their respective industries and both have the letter Z in the second word of their names. Okay, maybe I’m making this comparison because I watched a marathon of Top Gear episodes thanks to Netflix.

But for Americans, when they imagine a European luxury car maker, they’ll probably think Mercedes Benz, and when they imagine a European premium ice cream, they’ll probably think Häagen-Dazs.

However, there’s a problem with that, because Häagen-Dazs is, and has always been, an American company. It’s as American as apple pie, baseball, and people suing fast food companies for making them fat. Now I could say I knew Häagen-Dazs has been an American company all this time, but like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie, and I blame the umlaut-ed A for my ignorance.

Umlaut! Thou trickery shall not be forgotten and I shall place you under a lowercase L, the number one, or a Sheffer stroke to shame you.

With the knowledge that Häagen-Dazs is an American company and apple pie is as American as…itself, I think the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie ice cream is the most patriotic ice cream ever. Although some might say, Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream is the most patriotic ice cream, but the only way it could be more patriotic than the Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie is if it contained actual chunks of Mr. Colbert or a gooey swirl of his Formula 401.

The Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie, a.k.a. The Most American Ice Cream, is made up of apple ice cream, chunks of apples, caramel swirls, and chunks of pie crust. When combined, it’s as if I’m eating an American flag that’s been wrapped around the U.S. Constitution, which has been stuffed with the Bill of Rights that contains grounded bits of other things I learned in grade school social studies, all of which has been covered with lots of cinnamon, which is the most dominate flavor in the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie.

Haagen Dazs Caramel Apple Pie Topless

The apple ice cream is what you expect from a Häagen-Dazs ice cream: creamy, easy to scoop, and something so deliciously right, but yet, so addictively wrong. The apple and pie crust chunks were small, and in about 60 percent of the spoonfuls I took from the 14-ounce container, I ended up with either a chunk of apple or a chunk of pie crust. But having a spoonful with both was extremely rare.

The apple chunks brought a little more apple flavor beyond the apple ice cream, and it was nice having them in there to provide the crisp texture of apples. I guess having actual apple chunks are one of the little things that makes Häagen-Dazs a premium American ice cream maker. The buttery pie crust chunks were one of the best parts of the ice cream, because when mixed with the apple ice cream, it tastes somewhat similar to an actual apple pie. As for the caramel, despite being a focal ingredient of this ice cream, it doesn’t really stand out, nor does it complement anything. It sort of gets lost within the cinnamon, which is fine by me.

Overall, I like the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie ice cream, although I do wish it had more pie crust chunks. The combination of apple ice cream and cinnamon is a winner, but at the same time it makes me yearn for a real apple pie a la mode.

Oh wait, that’s not the American way to say it. I meant to say, apple pie served with ice cream.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 250 calories, 130 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, and 8% calcium.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie
Price: $4.19
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: U-S-A! Apple ice cream and cinnamon make an awesome combination. Creamy. Apple ice cream and pie crust chunks make an awesome combination. Apple chunks added a little more apple flavor and a nice crisp texture. Eating apple pie while watching baseball with a bald eagle perched on my shoulder make an awesome combination. Top Gear. Netflix. Fun with punctuations. U-S-A!
Cons: Only 14 ounces. Not a satisfying substitute for apple pie served with ice cream. Small chunks of pie crust and apples. Not enough chunks of pie crust and apples. The umlaut tricking me into thinking Häagen-Dazs is a European company.

REVIEW: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble

Haagen Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble

This past holiday weekend, I had the pleasure of visiting the mile-high city of Denver. I saw the Rocky Mountains, miles and miles of rolling amber prairie, and the giant Zombie Demon Horse at the airport.

Oh, you’ve never heard of this nightmarish equine fiend from Hell?

It’s a thing of rare, unmitigated monstrousness with its jagged, shiny metal form, gaping mouth, wildly probing tongue, and glowing red eyes. It fuels dark visions of the end times and makes one wonder whether the city of Denver is the ideal location for a zombie demon invasion, what with the mountains providing protection from the hordes of undead monsters and all. It also invites speculation as to whether the airport’s Zombie Demon Horse, itself, would be the thing that allows these foul creatures to enter our dimension. Would this 32-foot statue be the glowing, neon sign that declares “Denver is Open for Zombie Demon Business?” I only mention this Zombie Demon Horse because it has exactly one thing in common with the new Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble ice cream: It’s blue.

Haagen Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble Open Carton

Much like being subjected to night-terror-inducing public works of art, it isn’t often that we encounter naturally-occurring blue food. I can count all the blue foods I’ve eaten on one hand: blue potatoes, blue corn chips, bleu cheese (it’s the mold that’s blue), and, of course, blueberries. There is no shortage of blueberries in Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble, which gives it a nice, violet color. It’s smooth and isn’t clumpy, which certain types of fruity ice cream seem to be.

With my first bite, I was wowed by the Blueberry Crumble’s flavorful combination of real blueberries and fresh cream. The packaging boasts of ripe, simmered blueberries, and frankly, I think they’ve hit a home run with the recipe. Nothing about it tastes artificial – this is made from real fruit. A quick scan of the ingredients lists confirms a refreshing lack of chemical additives and preservatives.

Haagen Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble Scoops

The texture of the ice cream is smooth and dense, and the crushed blueberries are evenly mixed throughout. However, the “cobbler crust crumbles” – tiny pieces of buttery cobbler that have been folded into the ice cream — are not as plentiful as we are led to believe. Every third bite may include some of the crumble, but overall, it’s mostly blueberry-flavored ice cream. Not what I expected, since the label strongly suggests that you’ll be digging into something that would be at least 50 percent crumbly. The tiny bits of cobbler taste yummy and are an interesting addition, but the pieces aren’t large enough and don’t add much to the experience. The Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble is tasty, but I wish it was bursting with cobbler crumbles.

The Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble may be just the thing to have in the mountains while we’re taking shelter from the zombie demon apocalypse. It’s pretty cold up there, so we can leave the ice cream just about anywhere. In fact, it may be the only thing we’ll have to eat for months, since the power grid will go down within three hours of the Zombie Demon Horse’s clarion call to arms for the denizens of the Underworld. I suggest you start stocking up on Blueberry Crumble now and head for the hills.

(Nutrition Facts- ½ cup (102 grams) –250 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 8% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble
Price: $3.99
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Made from real blueberries and fresh cream. Blue foods are rare. Smooth and dense texture. Violet. The majestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains. Yummy buttery crust crumbles. Delicious, ice-cream-based survival.
Cons: Zombie Demon Horses. Misleading label. Terrifying works of public art. Cobbler crust crumbles are small and don’t add much to the experience. Wildly probing tongues. Gateway airports to the Underworld.

REVIEW: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Limited Edition Egg Nog Ice Cream

Dreyer's Slow Churned Limited Edition Egg Nog Ice Cream

When the wind chill is thirty below and I’m at the grocery store, the last thing in the world that I want is for someone to steal my coat, but the next-to-last thing I want is ice cream, so winter specialty flavors meant nothing to me back in Illinois. Last week, however, while basking in a short-lived California heat wave, I felt drawn to a tub of Dreyer’s Slow Churned Limited Edition Egg Nog Ice Cream.

Frankly, egg nog sounds like an obvious, even lazy flavor choice. The product itself is just slightly off-color, but not in an egg shell or cream kind of way. It’s more like evenly coated yellow snow, tinged with a creeping bit of fear and self-doubt.

The flavor isn’t overwhelmingly sweet, which I guess is the point of the whole Slow Churned line. Unlike some low-ish fat ice cream options, however, nothing about it tastes terribly off and the ingredients list hasn’t kept me awake at night.

If you’re like me or the five people I’ve discussed this with thus far, the only thing you’re probably concerned about is whether or not the nutmeg flavor is present. Calm down. It’s there. No extraneous nutmeg buying expenses required. Really, that’s three-quarters of the way to a quality egg nog product right there.

See? Minimal effort all the way.

I found I actually enjoyed the ice cream more once it had slightly melted, which basically only indicates that, yes, I like egg nog.

I won’t name any names, but I’ve witnessed the creation of chewable egg nog before, and it ain’t pretty. From that experience I learned that I prefer my egg nog to be a liquid, rather than a liquid and some solids strained through a 99 cent wicker cornucopia. Not that the end result tasted bad, but the process was still questionable. The main point here is that I wouldn’t have dreamed of eating those superfluous egg chunks, and while the ice cream does not share the same troubling texture, I’m still less enthused about this whole solid nog concept.

Dreyer’s Egg Nog Ice Cream is unquestionably fairly tasty. However, it fails on three of my four main egg nog qualifications which are:

1. Nutmeg prominence
2. Drinkability
3. Warmth
4. Ability to combine with rum and not make the saddest ice cream float ever

Unless you’re already freezing, you probably won’t regret trying this stuff. You’ll just wonder why you didn’t grab some no-frills, non-chilly egg nog instead. If you’re a cold nog kind of person, this will make even less sense for you. And really that’s the bottom line – there’s no outstanding perk or fantastic reason to go back for a few more scoops instead of melting it down and slurping it up.

In this case limited edition seems to equate to acknowledgement of lack of staying power, yet they mention it being “back.” Did I just miss it last year? More importantly, am I supposed to be anticipating this next year? Because next year I plan on nodding knowingly as I pass by the freezer section in search of the special holiday fulfillment Dreyer’s could not provide. I hate to break it to you like this, Dreyer’s, but I’m leaving you for either Southern Comfort or Soy Nog. I like you. I just don’t like like you. I’m sorry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)

Item: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Limited Edition Egg Nog Ice Cream
Price: $3.49
Size: 1.5 Quarts
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 5 out 10
Pros: Nutmeg. That heat wave last week. Tastes far better than it looks. It’s actually ice cream rather than a bag of worms or something. Half the fat of “regular ice cream.” Creamy.
Cons: Yellow snow. Egg nog with chunks. Ice cream in a Midwestern winter. Mini rum nog floats. Frostbite. Uncertainty over what constitutes “regular ice cream.” No coziness. Better melted. Fills non-exist nog niche.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Snickerdoodle Cookie

Ben & Jerry's Snickerdoodle Cookie

Full title: “Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Snickerdoodle Cookie Buttery Cinnamon Ice Cream Loaded with Snickerdoodle Cookies.” Limited Batch! Buttery Cinnamon! Cookies! I haven’t had Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in years, but when I saw this limited edition flavor I knew I’d have to give it a go.

I’ll be honest with you, I had to consult Wikipedia in order to remember exactly what a snickerdoodle cookie is. I knew I’d had them before, specifically around Christmastime, but my family Christmases were so chock full of cookies, candy and everything sugar that I wasn’t sure if I was thinking of the flavor of snickerdoodles, my grandpa’s pfeffernüsse, or those weird white cookies my cousin baked every year that nobody ever ate.

For anyone who might have a memory as poor as mine, snickerdoodles are basically cinnamon-sugar cookies, which explains their inclusion in this cinnamon-infused ice cream. This is the perfect time to introduce this ice cream flavor, what with Christmas sneaking up on us like a mugger in a dark side alley, ready to demand all our money in the form of Clappers and Chia Pets shaped like Garfield’s head.

As the inevitability of crowded malls, sold-out “must have” toys and dysfunctional family gatherings washes over you, maybe you should comfort yourself with a pint of Snickerdoodle Cookie ice cream. To me, cinnamon equals chilly nights, cozy blankets and hot cocoa, all the good things that come along to keep me sane during the oft-stressful holiday season. Let’s try out this ice cream and see if it’s going to give me warm fuzzies or curse Ben & Jerry’s for ruining one of the few things about the holiday season that keeps me from hanging myself from the ceiling fan with a length of tangled Christmas lights. I’m already glaring at it for making me talk about Christmas in November. That shit is verboten in my house.

Fun fact: turns out I don’t own an ice cream scoop.

It’s hard enough to play food photographer and try to make nice, big, inviting mounds of ice cream with a scoop; without one, fuggedaboudit. During my search, however, I did find a scoop-like device in the utensils drawer, a.k.a. the Murder Drawer of Sharp, Unsheathed Knives. I think it used to belong to an espresso machine, but it looks more like a melon baller. Either way, it became an impromptu ice cream scooper. I am MacGyver.

As you can see, there’s plenty of snickerdoodle cookie in Snickerdoodle Cookie. Instead of chunks of cookie, I’d describe them as clusters of crumbles. Delicious crumbles! The ice cream is, as described, buttery, and by that I mean rich and creamy, not “containing properties resembling butter.” That would be gross. Somewhere, someone at Jones Soda just decided to make a Butter Ice Cream flavored soda. I take full responsibility for this.

Both the cinnamon in the ice cream and in the cookie crumbles are perfectly portioned. Too much cinnamon and I would have felt like I was eating a softer version of one of those cinnamon-scented grocery store pine cones that always make me sneeze; too little and it would have just been a creamy vanilla ice cream with sugar cookies. But Snickerdoodle Cookie strikes just the right balance, resulting in me eating the entire bowl and wishing it was a month from now and about 50 degrees cooler outside. Time travel doesn’t exist (yet) and it will never be 20 degrees where I live, so I’m shaking my fist at Ben & Jerry’s while at the same time contemplating eating another bowl.

Snickerdoodle Cookie ice cream nails the flavor of the cookie while also delivering a rich and creamy cinnamon ice cream that is the perfect compliment to the cookie crumbles. Ben & Jerry’s is wise for making this a “Limited Batch,” because while it’s a great flavor for the holiday season, the richness of it wouldn’t make for a very refreshing summertime frozen treat. There’s something about the cold winter season that makes rich foods comforting instead of overwhelming, and this is the case with Snickerdoodle Cookie. I’d suggest waiting until Christmas window displays make you happy instead of angry, curling up under a soft blanket, and eating this ice cream while you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas.

A healthy pour of bourbon to help keep you warm wouldn’t hurt, either.

(Nutrition Facts – ½ cup — 230 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, , 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Snickerdoodle Cookie reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Snickerdoodle Cookie
Price: $3.50 (on sale; normally $4.79)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Ice cream rich and buttery. The word pfeffernüsse. Cinnamon was well-balanced. MacGuyver. Cookie crumbles were yummy. Bourbon.
Cons: Ice cream may be too rich for some. Early Christmas decorations. 230 calories per serving helping to pack on the holiday pounds. Butter Ice Cream flavored soda.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Target Exclusive Flavors (Berry Voluntary & Brownie Chew Gooder)

Target’s exclusive Ben & Jerry’s flavors — Berry Voluntary and Brownie Chew Gooder — are supposed to promote volunteerism. But the only things Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has encouraged me to do are: buy more of it, exercise so that I don’t get fat from eating it and not let the dishes pile up in the sink so that I will always have a clean spoon handy to eat their ice cream.

Now I don’t have time to volunteer because my Hulu and Netflix Instant Watch queues are extremely long. Seriously, this season of ABC’s Wipeout isn’t going to watch itself. It’s also going to take time away from the 12 hours a day I spend in front of a computer, writing reviews and watching cat videos on YouTube. However, because I was on my computer while eating both of these flavors, I visited the volunteering website printed on each of the one pint tubs: VolunteerMatch.org.

When I searched for volunteer opportunities on my rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I mostly found posts about hosting exchange students from other countries, which I am even less inclined to do because that means I would not only have to give up time, but also space. And I have no space to give because my rental agreement says I can’t have the following things in my apartment that start with the letter P: pets, plants and phoreign exchange students.

I guess I just don’t have the heart for volunteering. Or maybe the saturated fat in all the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream I eat is clogging my heart, which is preventing me from volunteering.

Now I feel bad about it. But do you know what makes me feel better?

Ice cream.

But the only ice cream I have are the Berry Voluntary and Brownie Chew Gooder, and if I eat them I’ll feel good for a little while, but then feel bad because they remind me that I’m not volunteering. It’s a vicious cycle of yum and guilt.

Of course, to get rid of the guilt, I could just sign up to volunteer for something, like help clean a beach or work at a soup kitchen. Or I could blame Target and Ben & Jerry’s for not giving a portion of the profits from each ice cream sold to a worthy cause, which would allow me to make a difference by eating their ice cream in front of my computer in only my boxer briefs.

If that were the case, it would encourage me to buy more of both flavors. But just promoting volunteerism doesn’t cut it because I think both flavors are two of the least exciting Ben & Jerry’s flavors I’ve tasted.

Berry Voluntary consists of raspberry cheesecake ice cream with white chocolatey chunks and raspberry swirls. There’s definitely a tart cheesecake flavor to it, but at times I swear it tastes like a milder version of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. The white chocolatey chunks don’t do much to enhance the ice cream’s flavor. All they seem to do is get in the way of my spoon, like big rocks do when serial killers bury bodies in their backyard. It’s a good flavor, but not good enough to encourage me to buy it again, if I have the option of choosing between it and Cherry Garcia.

As for Brownie Chew Gooder, it’s made up of vanilla caramel ice cream with fudge brownies and a caramel swirl. It’s also good, but not one of Ben & Jerry’s best. Some of the brownie pieces in the ice cream were frickin’ big one inch squares, and they were chewy, but not the good kind of chewy you’d expect in an ice cream. They’re a little grainy and tough to bite through. The caramel ice cream and caramel swirls make the whole thing taste a little cloying. With all of that caramel, perhaps Brownie Chew Gooder should be renamed to Goody Too Much Caramel.

Get it? Goody Two Shoes…Goody Too Much Caramel.

Oh my goodness, I’ve had too much sugar.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – Berry Voluntary – 250 calories, 12 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 6% vitamin C. Brownie Chew Gooder – 250 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Target Exclusive Flavors (Berry Voluntary & Brownie Chew Gooder)
Price: $4.14 each
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Berry Voluntary)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Brownie Chew Gooder)
Pros: Both are good, but not Ben & Jerry’s best. Berry Voluntary at times tastes like Cherry Garcia, but also has a nice, slightly tart cheesecake flavor. Brownie pieces in Brownie Chew Gooder are frickin’ big. Hulu and Netflix Instant Watch. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream encouraging me to exercise and wash dishes.
Cons: Two of the least exciting Ben & Jerry flavors I’ve tasted. Brownie Chew Gooder can be a little cloying due to caramel ice cream and caramel swirls. Brownie chunks in the Brownie Chew Gooder were a little tough. White chocolatey chunks in Berry Voluntary did little to enhance flavor. My ability to come up with Ben & Jerry flavor names. My unwillingness to volunteer.