Tag: Ice Cream

REVIEW: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

Marvo 14 Comments

Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

As a place that is known for its calorie-filled coffee concoctions, I wasn’t surprised that Starbucks has their own line of calorie-filled coffee ice cream concoctions, although these pints of ice cream can’t be bought in one of the dozens of Starbucks locations within a 10 miles radius of you.

The new Starbucks Ice Cream line replaces the old Starbucks Ice Cream line made by Dreyer’s and features milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It comes in four different flavors and I chose the plain ol’ coffee flavor because I wasn’t feeling very adventurous at the time of purchase to try any of the other flavors — caramel macchiato, mocha frappuccino and java chip frappuccino — all of which are apparently brought to us by the letter O.

The Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream is made up of coffee and espresso ice creams. If you look closely at it you can see the swirls the two ice creams make and if you listen very carefully to the ice cream you might be able to hear the sounds of jazz or easy listening music playing, just like you’re sitting in a Starbucks location.

To be honest, I’ve consumed more water out of a rusty pipe than Starbucks coffee (although some people might say they taste the same), so I can’t tell you if the ice cream tastes similar to its insulated cupped brethren. But I do know that I’ve had better tasting coffee ice cream. While it has an adequate coffee flavor, it isn’t as creamy or as rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had in the past, like the Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. Perhaps the use of espresso ice cream is the reason for that or maybe the it’s the “Starbucks Coffee Concentrate” that’s listed among the ice cream’s ingredients, which sounds like something Starbucks should start selling in a cup — straight up.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It’s size is one pint, unlike Haagen Dazs. The number of Starbucks locations.
Cons: Not as creamy or rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had. Drinking out of a rusty pipe. Falling asleep to the music played in a Starbucks. Starbucks Coffee Concentrate sounds scary. The number of Starbucks locations.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream

Marvo 17 Comments

Here on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we’re known for a lot of things, like warm weather throughout the year, beautiful beaches, pineapples, tourists, Kona coffee, meth addicts, hot female prostitutes who are actually men and marijuana. But were you aware that we’re also known for macadamia nuts?

If you’re not familiar with macadamia nuts, they were named after Australian chemist Dr. John Macadam by his colleague Ferdinand von Mueller, who probably wanted to throw his friend a bone since Mueller had several places in Australia and New Zealand named after him, which includes the Mueller Ranges, Mount Mueller, Mount von Mueller, Mueller’s Peak, the Mueller River, Mueller’s Creek, Lake Mueller, Mueller Glacier and Mueller Park. Macadamia nuts are special because they have the highest amount of beneficial monounsaturated fats among all known nuts, they have a decent amount of protein and carbohydrates and they’ve been called exotic nuts, like they’re Taiwanese tranny hookers.

If you ever visit Hawaii, macadamia nuts are the perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii and enjoyed 80 plus degree weather while they suffered through snow and near freezing conditions. Consider it the non-verbal equivalent of saying “Suck on deez nuts, bitches! I went to Hawaii! Jealous?”

Despite having easy access to macadamia nuts and them being so delicious, I don’t eat them too often because they’re expensive. Also, if I buy some, they’ll be less of them for those tourists who would like nothing better than to give a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts to the annoying person in the cubicle next to them at work, then talking about how awesome their trip to Hawaii was and then asking what went on at work while he/she was soaking up some rays on a beach with a beverage served in a coconut and topped with a tiny paper umbrella.

While I don’t know if the new Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream has macadamia nuts from Hawaii, I do know that there wasn’t enough of them in the pint I purchased. Along with the nuts, which are fudge covered, this flavor also consists of chocolate and vanilla ice creams made from Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla, which means the companies that produce them meet certain environmental, labor and development standards.

With all of the ingredients involved I expected the ice cream and my tongue to do the Lambada, the Forbidden Dance, but instead they ended up holding each other at arms length and just swaying from side to side as Atlantic Starr’s “Always” plays. The chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy, but the macadamia nuts overpowered their flavors, but only when I could get a macadamia nut in a spoonful. As I mentioned earlier, I felt there weren’t enough macadamia nuts throughout the pint of ice cream. I counted ten whole nuts, but I think I would’ve preferred them being in much smaller pieces so that they could be spread out more and dampen their flavor.

Now that I think about it, I guess I could add my own smaller pieces of macadamia nuts since they’re so easy to get on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 270 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 8% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy. Uses Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla. Macadamia nuts. The perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii.
Cons: Macadamia nuts overpowered the flavor of the ice cream. Slightly disappointing. Not enough nuts were spread throughout the pint. Would’ve been better with smaller nut pieces. Getting chocolate covered macadamia nuts from your co-worker who just came back from Hawaii. Taiwanese tranny hookers.

REVIEW: Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream

Marvo 13 Comments

Haagen Dazs Five Ginger

When I’m faced with a fork in the road, I take the path that’s less traveled because I like a little adventure in my life and I don’t like the sloppy seconds I’d get with the other, well-used road. I could’ve purchased a normal, safe flavor in new Haagen-Dazs Five Ice Cream line, like vanilla bean, milk chocolate, mint or coffee, but I decided to go with the most unconventional (i.e. f’ed up) flavor instead — ginger.

What makes the new Haagen-Dazs Five Ice Cream line so special is that it contains only five ingredients — milk, cream, eggs, sugar and ginger.

I guess the love they put into it isn’t considered an ingredient.

Since it already contains sugar and spice, all Haagen-Dazs needs is everything nice and some Chemical X and they can probably make their own Powerpuff Girl. They can name her Beauty, if she turns out beautiful, or Bonbon, if she turns out fat.

Much like you don’t expect quality, wholesome programming that stars people you don’t want to punch in the face from MTV, you probably don’t expect a confectionary company to make a ginger-flavored ice cream. It doesn’t seem right because, like beer and Japanese tentacle rape porn, ginger is an acquired taste. And that taste is something I have yet to truly acquire, which I know for a fact because the gag reflexes tell me so. I don’t like ginger snaps, ginger ale or the pickled ginger that comes with my sushi, but I do think redheads are frickin’ hot.

While I do not care for the taste of ginger, for some reason I enjoyed mild ginger flavor of the Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream. Although the first time I tried it, I did something that every valley girl is very familiar with — I gagged myself with a spoon.

The very first taste was a little harsh, but I quickly got over it. I could definitely taste and smell the ginger, and there were even small bits of ginger mixed in with the ice cream, but for some reason the other four ingredients made it extremely palatable. I think the reason why enjoyed the flavor was because after the initial ginger, the flavor kind of reminded me of egg nog, which I love and is the cause of my inflated manboobs during holiday season.

The texture of the Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream wasn’t as creamy as their regular ice cream, which was disappointing. It does have less fat than regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream, but eating a whole pint by yourself in one sitting while getting over a breakup won’t make it seem less like a cliched scene from a romantic comedy.

Overall, I was surprised I enjoyed it, but I was hoping the ginger in it could do a little more, since it’s known as an effective way to treat nausea. It didn’t work when I felt nauseous while watching vile, meaningless programming that stars people I want to punch in the face on MTV, so I don’t think it will work after a rough boat ride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 230 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream
Price: $4.49
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly pleasant taste. It kind of tastes like egg nog. Less fat than regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Contains five all-natural ingredients. Being adventurous and taking the road less traveled. Redheads.
Cons: If you don’t like ginger, you probably won’t like this. Not as creamy as regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Will still make you fat. The vile, meaningless programming that stars people I want to punch in the face on MTV. Sloppy seconds.

REVIEW: Baskin-Robbins BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream (Vanilla & Chocolate)

Marvo 15 Comments

Ice cream is the GREATEST COMFORT FOOD THAT TAKES YOU ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER RIDE EVAR!

That’s right. You read what I typed with my caps lock key on. How many foods out there can make you feel so good while eating it, but make you feel so bad after eating it?

It’s like illegal drugs with their highs and lows. And just like illegal drugs, you can get ice cream anytime of the day because dealers, like most convenient stores and Wal-Marts, are available 24 hours a day. As long as you’ve got the money, you can get your honey. Pints of ice cream are like nickelbags, half gallons are like bricks, and those three gallon tubs of ice cream are like all-you-can-smoke buffets.

As I wrote earlier, the problem with ice cream is that it makes you feel bad after eating it. The saturated fat that comes with good ice cream is like the THC in weed, you know it’s bad for you, but it’s what makes it so good. Thankfully, Baskin-Robbins has created their BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream that has 50% less fat and 20% fewer calories than their regular ice cream.

The Premium Churned Light Ice Cream comes in a few flavors, but I chose milk chocolate and vanilla varieties because I love the message behind the Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder song “Ebony and Ivory” and I try to bring them together as much as possible and because the Baskin-Robbins I went to only had three Premium Churned flavors to choose from.

When I put Premium Churned ice cream into my warm mouth I thought it wasn’t as creamy as regular full-fat, pants-ripping ice cream. Between the two flavors, the vanilla one was my least favorite because it tasted exactly how I expected a 50% less fat ice cream should taste — kind of bland. The vanilla flavor wasn’t very strong and I felt it didn’t come close to tasting like full-fat, pants-button-popping-off ice cream, which was disappointing because the milk chocolate flavor was a different story. If someone were to give me the Premium Churned Milk Chocolate Light Ice Cream while I was blindfolded with my limbs restrained in a torture rack and a leather-clad woman named Olga feeding me spoonfuls of it in between the whip lashes she’s giving me, I wouldn’t think it was a reduced fat ice cream. It was surprisingly good and really chocolatey.

Hopefully the Baskin-Robbins BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream won’t make you feel so bad after gorging on them. With 50% less fat and 20% less calories than their full-fat counterparts, the roller coaster ride you’ll have after eating them will feel like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride instead of Space Mountain.

(Nutrition Facts – 2.5 ounce scoop – Vanilla – 130 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, and 15% Calcium. Milk Chocolate – 130 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, 15% Calcium, and 2% Iron.)

Item: Baskin-Robbins BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream (Vanilla & Chocolate)
Price: FREE (received coupons from nice PR folks)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Baskin-Robbins
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Milk Chocolate)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Pros: Milk Chocolate flavor was surprisingly really good and chocolatey and didn’t taste like a reduced fat ice cream. 50% less fat and 20% less calories than Baskin-Robbins’ regular ice cream. “Ebony and Ivory” is a classic song. Being blindfolded, restrained in a torture rack, and whipped by a leather-clad woman named Olga.
Cons: Not as creamy as full-fat ice cream. Vanilla flavor was kind of bland. The BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream doesn’t come in a lot of flavors. The bill for being blindfolded, restrained in a torture rack, and whipped by a leather-clad woman named Olga.

REVIEW: Astronaut Ice Cream

Marvo 29 Comments

Once in a while there’s a special product that I just can’t write about in normal paragraphs because it’s something that I believe deserves more than just blocks of joined sentences that are separated by two punches of my keyboard’s space bar.

Astronaut Ice Cream is worthy of the best word craftsmanship that my English degree and thesaurus can produce. I firmly believe that the only way I could pay homage to this product is through the gift of rhyme.

I’m not talking about a sonnet, limerick, quatrain, allegory, or epigram. I’m talking about something a lot more contemporary. So right now I’m about to drop some mad, crazy skills on y’all that would make Kanye West not shake in his sunglasses that he seems to wear whether he’s outdoors or indoors.

Awwww yeah. This one goes out to all the Space Cowboys. Giddy up!

I got a dessert that can be enjoyed across the universe.
Store it in your cubicle, pants, spacecraft, or purse.
It’s not perishable, so it doesn’t need any refrigeration.
Gives me elation when I opened a pack of this creation.
It’s hard to find and been a long time since I had one.
Might’ve got some if I lived near an aerospace museum.
For years and years, too many to count, I’ve gone without.
Now that I found you again Astronaut Ice Cream, I have to shout.

From Cape Canaveral to the International Space Station,
giving astronaut bros and hos instant, sweet salvation.
After experiments in zero gravity or a spacewalk at night,
only Astronaut Ice Cream can satisfy an astronaut’s appetite.

Like Lucky Charms marshmallows, it’s freeze-dried hard.
Fuck utilizing spoons or bowls, those you can disregard.
Pick up a block and it feels quite fragile, airy and light.
Take a bite and you’ll experience a galactic delight.
Comes with vanilla, chocolate and strawberry – the Neapolitan three.
It melts in your mouth like the walls do when you’re on LSD.
Astronaut Ice Cream is so delicious that it is a must.
I bet US astronauts use it to make Cosmonauts envious.

From the Space Shuttles to the all the Apollo missions,
giving astronaut bros and hos instant, sweet salvation.
After experiments with a monkey or a long space flight,
only Astronaut Ice Cream can satisfy an astronaut’s appetite.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 120 calories, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 0% Iron.)

Item: Astronaut Ice Cream
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 0.7 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: One of my favorite things to eat in the world. The feeling of it melting in my mouth. Chocolate tastes like actual chocolate ice cream. It’s what astronauts eat. Made in the USA. Kanye West wearing sunglasses outdoors.
Cons: Not as good as the real thing. Vanilla and strawberry don’t quite taste like their frozen versions. Small and pricey. Breaks easily. Contains HFCS. Might be hard to find. Kanye West wearing sunglasses indoors.