Tag: Ice Cream

Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream

Marvo 7 Comments

Keto Ice Cream

(Editor’s Note: I was going to do a review about Valentine’s Day today, but I found a product that could actually help me get a Valentine, if their commercial is accurate. I’ll review it tomorrow and let you know if it worked. No, it’s not pheromones.

So instead of a Valentine’s Day review, today you get another low-carb product review. Yeah!)

When items are labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale,” there are probably several reasons why: (1) Expiration date is coming up. (2) Item has been discontinued. (3) The product isn’t selling well. (4) The packaging has been damaged. (5) Item was returned. (6) It’s crap and it totally blows. (7) Product is endorsed by Seymour Smith. Who? Exactly. (8) Possible store employee practical joke on customers involving bodily fluids being added to the product.

When I pulled out a pint of Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream from the freezer case at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I picked it up because of the “Reduced for Quick Sale” price tag hanging from the shelf.

I inspected it to see which of the reasons above was the cause for the “Reduced for Quick Sale” tag. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell, but my money was on reason number six because of the three words printed repeatedly on the lid, “The Low Carb Leader.”

Now boys and girls, what have we learned about low-carb foods?

Let’s say it all together.

“They’re crap, they totally blow, and they’re a waste of money.”

However, after reading the packaging more thoroughly, I thought the Keto Vanilla Moon might taste better than other low-carb foods because it had the same high levels of saturated fat and cholesterol than regular ice cream.

Well just like my Super Bowl pick, my presidential election pick, and my pick to win Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards, I was totally wrong. Despite all the fat and cholesterol, it didn’t taste very good. It sort of tasted like Cool Whip…Lite, and I think I’m being a little generous by saying that.

After I read the package even more thoroughly, I found out the Keto Vanilla Moon was also high in dietary fiber. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, ice cream didn’t aid with bowel movements, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it REALLY helps with bowel movements.

But it’s good to know that I can get fiber in ways other than Metamucil, whole-grain bread, and a Taco Bell bean burrito.

I wanted to find out more about Keto, but unfortunately it turned out that they’re no longer in business. So I guess that explained why the Keto Super Premium Ice Cream was labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale.”

I’ll have to add to my list, “(9) Company no longer in business.”

So if you’re interested in trying Keto Super Premium Ice Cream, get yours now, because once they’re gone, they’re gone forever.

Item: Vanilla Moon Keto Super Premium Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Very limited edition. High in fiber.
Cons: Keto is no longer in business. Not very “super” or “premium.” Tastes like Cool Whip Lite. High is saturated fat and cholesterol.

REVIEW: Barq’s Floatz

Marvo 7 Comments

Barq's Floats

Last night was waaay too fun. I learned a lot last night on Election Day.

The most important thing I learned: Watching the presidential election coverage on cable would make a great drinking game.

Take a sip if:
Anyone says “Florida”
Anyone says “Ohio”

Do a shot if:
Anyone says “too close to call”
Anyone mentions Gore in the 2000 election

Beer bong if:
A candidate announces victory, before the opponent concedes
Fox News projects Bush to win before all the other networks

Down a keg if:
Nader wins any electoral votes
Kerry or Bush asks for a recount

During the pre-election run to the convenience store, I picked up a few things to snack on during the night. One of the coolest things I picked up was the new Barq’s Floatz. It’s a frozen treat with the taste of a root beer float. FOR ONLY 75 CENTS!!!

They were so cheap that I bought two.

The Barq’s Floatz is exactly like those frozen fruit push-pops I used to get with my school lunch. You basically have to push out the goodness, like you would if you were trying to milk toothpaste out of the tube.

It tasted just like a root beer float, except without the spoon, two straws, and the beautiful girl to share it with.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, baby doll. Would you like to be the beautiful girl to share it with me? I got your straw right here, baby. Uh huh. Yeah, I know what you like”¦

W-w-what?

Oh sorry, been kind of lonely recently.

The only thing I was disappointed with was the size of the three-ounce Barq’s Floatz, because it takes only a minute to eat the whole thing.

Now some of you might be saying, “Well what do you expect for only 75 cents?”

Well in certain establishments, 25 cents will get me 5 minutes of pleasure in a small room with a window and a sticky floor.

So for 75 cents, I expect a whole lot more.

Item: Barq’s Floatz
Purchase Price: $0.75
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: 75 cents. Tastes like an actual root beer float.
Cons: Only 3 ounces of pleasure.