Tag: Jack in the Box

If Jack in the Box are “herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they’re cattle” for their Mini Sirloin Burgers, then I wonder what they’re using for their new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches.

Oh wait…Could it be?

Tweety Bird! Nooooooooooo!

It looks like Jack was able to do what Sylvester the Cat couldn’t. Sufferin’ Succotash! It seems like for Tweety, it’s Th-Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks! I guess instead of the puddy tat, Tweety taw a puddy Jack!

Aaaah, Looney Tunes references — so 1950s.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches comes in a pack of three and each is made up of white meat homestyle chicken filets, a drizzle of lettuce, ranch sauce and Frank’s RedHot Sauce. I don’t know Frank, nor do I know the reason why he made RedHot a compound word, but I do know that the sauce is tasty, although it wasn’t as redhot as I hoped. The lack of redheat might’ve been caused by the addition of the whitecool ranch dressing, which if that’s the case, would be a shame for those who really enjoy the redspice of buffalo sauce.

The lack of heat also might’ve been caused by the semi-conservative use of Frank’s RedHot Sauce on each mini chicken sandwich. While I could taste the sauce, I really wish they dipped the chicken filets in the sauce, like they were Salem witches, instead of just topping them. I think doing that might make up for the unnecessary gram of trans fat per mini sandwich. The ranch sauce, while quite visible when pulling back the top bun, wasn’t noticeable flavor-wise, the chicken filets were slightly tough and the lettuce was just there, like the stiff-bodied person on the bottom of a sexual position who is having no fun or significantly less fun than their partner on top.

Overall, I thought the Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches were decent, but they don’t come close to being as tasty as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. I guess, for some reason, cows the size of schnauzers seem to taste better than Tweety Bird.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 738 calories, 27 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 51 milligrams of cholesterol, 1877 milligrams of sodium, 461 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 31 grams of protein.)

(Note: The commercial for it is below.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Frank’s RedHot Sauce was tasty. Looney Tunes references for older people. Photoshopping. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers. Perfect if you love sodium.
Cons: I didn’t like them as much as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. Could’ve used more sauce. Frank’s RedHot Sauce wasn’t as redhot as I would’ve liked. Ranch sauce wasn’t noticeable. Chicken filets were a little tough. The use of lettuce. Three grams of trans fat. High in sodium. Looney Tunes references for younger people.

I’ve been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches.  I don’t think it’s the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the conclusion that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child’s successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est.  You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be.  Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges.  Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in purée form and that’s where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby’s mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby…that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby’s bad onion breath isn’t taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you’re a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren’t beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you’re entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby’s mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
Cons: They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you’re willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby’ breath. Years of therapy.

As I’ve said many times before, I’m not a fan of Jack in the Box’s tacos because there’s not much filling in them and they’re greasier than a Best Buy employee trying to sell you the extended warranty, TV calibration and the overpriced HDMI Monster Cable to go with your new HDTV. Because of my feelings towards Jack in the Box’s tacos, I didn’t expect much from their new Taco Nachos.

The Jack in the Box Taco Nachos is made up of their regular beef nachos cut up into thirds, placed on a bed of shredded lettuce and topped with a cheddar cheese sauce, pepper jack cheese and pickled jalapeno slices with salsa and a plastic fork on the side.

As you can see in the picture above, it looks like the Jack in the Box tacos went partying with Tara Reid, then puked out most of its fillings and ended up lying in its own filth. As you can also see in the picture, the taco shells look soaked which means that they’re either oil sponges or they competed in a wet t-shirt contest while partying with Tara Reid.

If you like Jack in the Box tacos, the orange glow of melted cheddar cheese and jalapenos, you will like the Taco Nachos even though they look like a bastardized version of nachos. I may not enjoy Jack in the Box’s regular tacos, but I did somewhat enjoy the Taco Nachos thanks to the previously mentioned cheddar cheese sauce and jalapenos. Both of them added a lot of flavor to the dish and the jalapenos also gave it a little heat. There were enough jalapeno slices to provide one for each Taco Nacho piece.

At $1.99, the Jack in the Box Taco Nachos is a decent meal or snack. If it was priced at $2.49 or more, it wouldn’t be worth it, since Jack in the Box’s regular tacos are pretty much dirt cheap.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the Jack in the Box Taco Nachos, but I guess my heart has a place for radioactive orange cheddar cheese sauce and pickled jalapeno slices. If Jack in the Box’s regular tacos had on the inside what the Taco Nachos had on the outside, I might actually like them.

(Nutrition Facts – Unavailable on website.)

Item: Jack in the Box Taco Nachos
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Cheddar cheese sauce and jalapenos make it tasty. Jalapenos provided a little heat. It’s worth $1.99. If you enjoy JITB tacos, you’ll like these. Comes with plastic fork.
Cons: It’s not worth it if it’s more than $1.99. Looks like it puked out its filling. Oil soaked taco shells. Aggressive Best Buy salespeople.

Dear Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal,

By the time you read this, I’ll be eating a salad with a low-fat balsamic vinaigrette. I apologize for doing this, but it’s something I had to do for the both of us. I know this might come as a bit of a surprise to you, especially because you’re so cheap and mostly delicious, but I need to be far away from you as possible. I think you’re wonderful and me love you long time, but I don’t think we’re right for each other.

First of all, we’re not very compatible. With 2,178 milligrams of sodium, you’re a salt lick and that does not go well with my high blood pressure. You like clogging my arteries and I like them unclogged so that I can properly distribute blood throughout my body. Heck, we don’t even enjoy the same types of movies and music. I still don’t understand your fascination with Pokemon movies and your love for the Jonas Brothers. Also, what’s up with you and all those Betamax tapes?

My gut tells me that I should be with you every day, but my heart says the opposite. And I’m going to listen to my heart because if I were to stay with you, there’s no way my heart would be able to take it.

You have to admit that we met under desperate situations. I only had $3.25 in my wallet and you needed a gimmick that would encourage people to spend money during these tight times. Your Jumbo Jack, two beef tacos and small order of natural cut fries for $2.99 is hard to resist. Your Jumbo Jack is delicious because it’s so simple. It’s just a beef patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mayo and ketchup in between a bun. Your natural cut fries are decent fare because they’re a bit too soggy for my tastes. And your beef tacos are probably the worst fast food tacos ever, but combined with the other two for a $2.99 price tag makes me forget that they’re greasier than a used Yugo salesman. In the end, I guess you only loved me for my money, no matter how small of an amount it was.

Anyway, I want to eat other cheap meals that won’t make my heart explode…if I can find some. But if you like, we can still be friends with benefits. So maybe once in awhile, when I want to be naughty, I can come over and nibble at you. Let me know if you would be willing to do that.

So take care of yourself and good luck.

Sincerely,

Marvo

PS – I went down on a Whopper and Big Mac at the same time while we were together.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Jumbo Deal – 1236 calories, 66 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 8 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 2178 milligrams of sodium, 1591 milligrams of potassium, 122 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 35 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cheap and mostly delicious. Jumbo Jack is tasty. Fries are decent. Great source of protein. Great for a cheap date. Friends with benefits.
Cons: Extremely unhealthy. Does not include drink. Does not include Accupril (high blood pressure medication). Jack in the Box tacos are the worst fast food tacos. Jonas Brothers. Pokemon movies. Used Yugo salesmen.

I love Jack in the Box. Not the food, but the character and everything that is associated with his adorable giant head. Let’s face it – he’s the greatest fast food mascot in the history of the universe. Jack is non-threatening, yet authoritative, pleasant and jovial without being silly. I even buy a Jack antenna ball for every season of the year and enjoy it thoroughly until it’s stolen. In this era of terrible white-guy-rap McDonald’s commercials, Jack brightens my day.

But then there’s the food. Their Ultimate Cheeseburger can leave you constipated for weeks and their egg rolls are filled with the saltiest pork mixture I’ve ever tasted, which is saying something because I eat fried salt pork as a snack. I know some people swear by them, but these are people who have probably never had a real egg roll as a reference point.

Jack in the Box’s latest foray into the realm of Asian-themed food comes in bowl form, fresh off the heels of their hideous yet tasty breakfast bowls. I guess this was the logical progression. The combo even comes with one of those aforementioned egg rolls for your dipping pleasure.

These sirloin steak and chicken teriyaki bowls are made up of white rice topped with julienne carrots, broccoli, and the meat of your choice covered in a sweet teriyaki sauce. At around five bucks, they are a bit pricey, but you do get a generous amount of meat in the bowl. But as they say, quantity doesn’t beat quality unless you’re trying to get drunk. My first taste led to a resounding shrug of the shoulders and a high-pitched “Eh,” a reaction that I felt was necessary even though I was eating lunch by myself.

The steak, while abundant, obviously came pre-packaged and had that unnaturally soft texture that frozen steak tends to have. Needs more tendony mouth feel, I’d say! Unlike Yoshinoya, however, the broccoli and carrots were sufficiently crunchy. All of this smacks of mediocrity and is quite literally topped off with the one-note sweetness of the teriyaki sauce. Completely uninteresting and bland come to mind. I say stick with Yoshinoya and their baby food-soft vegetables if you want Asian-style fast food, or better yet, try a Flame Broiler if you have one in your area.

It’s a noble effort from a mascot I love, but it’s only worthwhile as a last resort when you’re desperate for some teriyaki and the better places aren’t open.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 bowl – 650 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 45 mg of cholesterol, 1740mg sodium, 106 grams of carbs, 4 grams of fiber, and 30 grams of protein)

Item: Jack in the Box Steak Teriyaki Bowl
Price: $4.79
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Jack is a superior mascot. Branching out into ethnic foods can lead to possible future interesting foods. Steak is abundant and plentiful. Vegetables maintain their texture.
Cons: Steak has pre-packaged taste and texture. Sauce is obnoxiously sweet and ordinary. There’s probably a better variation of this bowl at Yoshinoya or a local joint. People stealing my Jack antenna balls.